As girls, there’s one itty bitty thing that got screwed up in our chromosomes.  Any time we see a slightly attractive male we automatically throw ourselves in their direction like a piece of freakin’ meat.  We instantly get big, googly eyes, say things that we should be keeping to ourselves, and completely freak the eff out our potential soul mate.

It’s hard to remember that guys, unlike us, aren’t very complicated specimens. They typically have one thing running through their minds when they meet us (hint: it starts with an “s” and ends in “ex”), while we already have the wedding and future children’s names picked out by the time introductions are over.

We’re hopeless.  Hopeless romantics, that is.  We want a love like “The Notebook,” but it usually ends up looking more like “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”…without the happily ever after.

Let’s not let Matthew McConaughey’s beautifully sculpted abs get away from us this time.  No, don’t tie your man down and lock him in your closet (unless he’s into that sort of thing).  All you have to do is avoid scaring him away. Easy, right?

Here are four things you should avoid if you want your happily ever after. Read More »

[Read day three HERE]

…Or maybe it’s the gender distinction of romance and love.

It’s been my understanding that the majority of guys do not watch rom-coms without mentally noting what things someone would obviously do if they loved you; that they in fact can listen to a John Legend song without awaiting a diamond ring; that they can even watch that sappy Hershey’s Kiss commercial (the one where the guy special orders all those Kisses with the little tags that say ‘I miss you’ for his lady) and never register that might be something you would actually do for the one you Love. Talk about a revelation.

Talk about a productive night’s sleep. I just woke up with this brain child.

It may not be the ‘solution’ to all this, but it is kind of brilliant in figuring this whole thing out; maybe I am not so unreasonable as a hopeless romantic, but rather just sh*t-out-of-luck as far as finding a guy who is on the same page to provide me with all the things I am waiting for, all the time. Read More »

Q: I want to try having sex on the beach this summer. What should I keep in mind?

A: Sex on the beach. It’s the ultimate cliche of sexual fantasies for hopeless romantics everywhere, usually triggered by a movie scene complete with soft lighting and background music. For me, it was Chris Isaak that did it. Specifically, the sexy black-and-white video for his song, “Wicked Game,” featuring soft sand, crashing waves, and leggy supermodel Helena Christensen.

In reality, beach sex rarely includes a soundtrack, and a leggy supermodel is even harder to find. Instead you’re left with wind carrying sand into your eyes and wet particles creeping into your crevices. In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I’ve never actually had sex on a beach. I’m all for trying new things, but it never seemed to be worth the hassle or the worry that I would spend the next three months washing sand out of my crotch.

An informal survey of my friends only served to confirm what I already thought about beach sex — it’s overrated. Those that have dared to bare all and get busy shoreside agree that the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy. Before I came along, my boyfriend’s attempt came to a screeching halt when he got his hand wet and then placed it in the sand, rendering it useless. Read More »