The dorm. The 18×10 space you are crammed into with another girl, who may or may not be a complete stranger, depending on your housing situation. It’s hard enough to keep your notebooks and gym clothes on “your” side of the room when it’s just the two of you…try throwing a relationship into the picture.

Suddenly, you and your roommate are juggling class schedules, study time, piles of laundry, the remote control, and trying to throw intimate time with a guy into the mix. It can be rough, but it can be done. You just need to remain respectful of your roommate, and follow some simple steps to sexile (and be sexiled) without spitefully poking pinholes in each other’s condoms.

1. Have “The Talk.”

Tell your roommate what’s going on. If you move in, and you’re already in a relationship, be honest. Tell her your boyfriend will be coming up one weekend a month, and ask if you can arrange some private time in the room. If you’re single but have a prospect, tell your roommate that you have a date on Friday and ask if she has plans, just in case.

Do not get separated at a party and call your roommate at 3 a.m. to tell her you’re already stumbling home with a boy in tow. Read More »

I am sorry.

As it seems, I am currently suffering from a WICKED case of PMS. I have never really fallen victim to this monthly debacle, but in the last 24 hours I have felt overwhelmingly compelled to freak out on nearly everyone I have come into contact with, and, well, have.

For that, I’d like to make amends.

My dear, sweet boyfriend:

Sorry for freaking out on you after you felt compelled to repeat – verbatim – nearly the entire dialog from “Tropic Thunder.” I know you enjoyed the movie, and in a sick way enjoyed how irritated it made me for you to continue doing it, but that was no excuse to smack you on the arm with the blunt force of a car crash then scream at you like a fire-breathing dragon. It was mortifying to see you look so terrified of me.

Waitress at the Goose:

I understand how it can be working in food service; I have been there too, sister. With that in mind, I am sorry for being a total bitch after finding out we were merely 4 minutes late to order food last night. Sure, my eye rolling and walking out of the restaurant without a comment to you was rude, but, in my defense, I had just spent 2 hours watching “Tropic Thunder” and was famished. If I didn’t eat something soon, I was going to lose it and my poor boyfriend was going to be my target practice. I’m sorry for being so rude. In hindsight hanging around, having a few pitchers and enjoying the quick buzz may have been exactly what I needed. Read More »

I love animals. I always have. I had dogs, rabbits, birds, and fish growing up. Never for one moment have I ever thought that animals aren’t ‘alive’. Never for one moment have I thought that they can’t feel. And I still eat meat.

I have absolutely nothing against vegetarians. Many of my friends are vegetarians and, in fact, I was a vegetarian myself for a couple of years in high school. However, I H-A-T-E being talked down to by the occasional vegetarian/vegan who comes my way and feels it’s his or her duty to “inform” me of anything related to the subject matter. I hate it almost as much as I hate religious people who feel the need to damn me to Hell via conversation. I almost hate it as much as the smell of burnt hair. I hate it almost as much as I hate Daisy from Rock of Love 2.

Why all of the hate?

Because it’s not anyone’s place to tell me what to eat. Read More »

It’s the start of a new week and already I feel haggard and exhausted. My moods are swinging like a particularly feisty pendulum and my breasts ache. It can only mean one thing: my good friend PMS is on the horizon.

The beginnings of some minor stomach cramps, an increased feeling of self-consciousness and a patience threshold shorter than my small toe surface like clockwork once a month, warning me of impending pain and the cycle of womanhood.

Thankfully I am not alone, basking in the dull glory of 90% of menstruating women who currently experience some form of Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. There are at least a hundred symptoms, though women experience a mix of just a few. The most common include irritability, loss of confidence, poor concentration, crying for no particular reason and the infamous mood swings, as feared by boyfriends and spouses the world over.

I myself am prone to similar experiences as mentioned above, along with an unpleasant notion of feeling like a beached whale and wishing my bedroom were the sea and my bed the sand, so I could waddle on my belly to bask in comfort and perhaps make a few guessed interpretations of what I would consider to be whale groans. Read More »

God, I remember my first kiss. I remember thinking that it tasted like bananas and then I remember thinking, “Sh*t, I hope this gets better or I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”

Turns out, it got better. The kissing got better, the men I kissed got better, the touching, the sweaty make-out sessions and the ridiculous hormones that flew about with reckless abandon, that all got better and definitely got put to use, frequently.

Then, I remember my “first time”. I remember thinking that it was short. Fumbling and awkward. And then I remember thinking, “Sh*t, I hope this get’s better or I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”

Well, yippee…it got better. A lot better. For myself and my friends included. Read More »

As I mentioned once before, I have issues with my birth control.

In fact, with all the horrible side effects like the migraines and weight gain I feel like the only reason the pill is even working is because it is preventing me from going out to find someone to have sex with. And I am not so sure that is how it is supposed to work.

I have attempted to stick it out for the past six months, but, considering I have been sans sex for quite some time, I am about ready to throw in the towel. My doctor – always the optimist – didn’t like that idea.

“Lauren, I know you joke about being a crazy cat woman, but you will have sex again someday and you might regret your decision to stop taking birth control.”

She had a point. Maybe one day I might again have the urge to do something besides catch up on my TiVo on a Friday night. You know; like go out and meet a man. And have sex. She recommended a different form of birth control that minimized the side effects that have been haunting me for months.

Unfortunately, this one presents a whole new slew of problems. Read More »

This may be a bit of a public place to announce this, but since none of you can actually see me – which is a good thing considering I am writing this in my skivvies – I feel a little more comfortable sharing my most intimate details. Like the fact that I am currently a la rag.

Yes, just like this time a mere 30 days ago, I am riding the ole’ crimson wave. Which, as you know, isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds. No surfboards. Not hot dudes with 6 packs. Just cramps (ow), attitude (bitch slaps abound), and a whole lot of chocolate (get between me and a cookie and you better pray for that little life of yours).

Oh, and one big case of horniness.

I don’t know who invented the period, but God, if you are listening, I deplore you. Not only do I have to deal with bloating and a feeling of general filth once a month, but I have to add that to an unyielding sense of lust (for anything with 2 legs and testosterone, might I add)? Read More »