I could write a saga longer than the Twilight series about what sex means to a woman and why they have it.  Women will have sex to strike an extra intense emotional connection with someone else, boost their appeal in popularity, fulfill a fantasy, become physically and mentally closer to the one they love, gain revenge, because Cosmo say’s it is an easy way to beat off calories, or because a night out with their single lady friends made them feel like they needed to have more fun.

To make a long story long, sex to a woman means a plethora of complex things.  Sex is a loaded gun containing bullets of feelings, emotions, and meaning (even I’m getting a little poetic talking about it).

Sex for the dudes on the other hand?

It’s really just a three letter word.

According to a recent Men’s Health article, researchers revealed more than 200 reasons women do the nasty.  (e.g. the opportunity presented itself, the other person had a nice face, out of control hormones were in tact).  Hmm, seems pretty like obvious enough reasons to me.  But 200 reasons to get frisky? I doubt that’s the case for men. In fact, when it comes to dudes, I’m certain there are only 3.

1. They’re Guys

I’m a man-psychic. We all are. Because I’m willing to bet you could predict what current thought is churning any man’s mind: sex. As mentioned before, sex means so many things for woman. For men? Doggie style is as natural as breathing.  I’m not trying to put a derogatory light over men and their intentions, but I have strong beliefs that thoughts of sexual activity are multiplying in their mind like bunny rabbits. 24/7.

You’re right, that is a lot of thinking.

2. They Want to Tell Their Friends

I knew a group of guys in college who actually added up points each weekend after heavily drinking. Their point system went like this: they gave a certain amount of tallies to a roommate who scored a make-out sesh and even more tallies to anyone who romped it up in bed.  It’s true. I saw the whiteboard.  As much as our male-counterpart is not going to get into details about how “soft her skin felt and how sweet her lips tasted…” like all the fluffy girls do, a little notch in his belt (and a great story to go with it) is the ultimate trophy in his circle of bros.

3. They’re Horndogs

While girls keep their toy dog in their purse, men keep their toy dog in their pants (if you catch my drift here) and they’ll follow that little puppy anywhere. It’s that simple.

Read my lips: I want you.

Life has taken an unexpected turn into the world of sharing your utmost sexual feelings…on your lips.  Now you can proudly pair your sexy black dress and pumps with this sexy new lip gloss, that let’s your pals know when you’re ready to romp.

This lip gloss, working with your body chemistry, changes shades to reflect how hot and bothered you are. It’s like a mood ring for your lips, but instead of telling you how cool and relaxed you are, it tells others how much you want to tear their clothes off and get frisky in your twin XL.

It looks like I am in business! But without understanding which colors equal “let’s get it on,” how are dudes supposed to know when we’re feeling frisky? I see a new pick-up line forming already, “Hey baby, my lips seem to be darkening into a deep shade of turned-on, join me on the dance floor to get jiggy to Lady Gaga?”

Is it just me, or does this mood-lip gloss thing seem like a terrible idea?  Here are five reasons why:

1. The Color Won’t Work On Everyone
We all know picking out the perfect lip gloss color is a fine art; what if “feeling slightly aroused” doesn’t go with my skin tone? And what if it clashes with my outfit!?

2. Guys Might Not Know What it Means
Will guys instantly know that the deep plum color on your lips means you wanna see him nakey? Lip gloss or no lip gloss, unless you blatantly express your feelings towards his luscious lips (in this case, shoving the color guide into his hands), he isn’t going to understand (the chameleon color changing effects) of yours.

3. You Can’t Play Hard to Get
OK, and if for some reason the lip gloss drives the masses and every guy on earth does know what that cherry red shade means, is that really always a good thing? Not only could the wrong guy read your lips (like the creeper standing next to the uber hottie hockey player), but when your lips say it all you can’t dabble in the cat and mouse game (if just for a little bit) that we all love to play.  The mystery is diminished. Your feelings are spread clear on the table…er…the rim of your drink.

4. It Doesn’t Taste as Good As Liplicious Blue Colada
Well, then again, nothing tastes better than Liplicious Blue Colada. Is it Spring Break yet?

5. What is Going to Happen Next?
Bras that tell people when you’re horny? Contacts that convey when you’re feeling sexy?  People are going to be walking around with glowing boobs and topaz-colored eyes everywhere, hungry for some fun. And everyone is going to know.

I think mystery is a little sexy, so can we please keep the shared sexual feelings to a minimum?

Hey dude,

I find myself constantly single, and I’m wondering if it’s because i’m too “forward.” I’ve been told I’m the “dateable” type and that I’m pretty, but I think sometimes I tend to rush things with guys a little bit. For example, this guy asked me on a date a week ago, and it was great! I’ve known him for a while through mutual friends, and I was really flattered he asked me. We ended up meeting up that night at the bars and I went to his friend’s house, then he spent the night at my place (no sex, though). We’ve hung out a bunch more times, and I’ve met all of his friends, but every time we have hung out we’ve been drinking and have hooked up. I know I should probably be taking it slow so he takes me seriously or whatever that nonsense is about the thrill of the chase, but girls have needs too!

We haven’t had sex, and I’m not thinking we will anytime soon, but I would still like the attention. How do I straddle this line between, frankly, being horny and still feeling special and not like a hook up? This scenario has occurred more than a few times throughout my three and a half years in college, and i’m beginning to think I don’t know how to be in a relationship or how to get to the point of starting one. Am I doing something wrong?

Thanks dude,
Horny Hook-up

Dearest Horny Hook-up,

There is a big difference between being “too forward” (which men tend to find undeniably sexy) and being “too rushed.” If you’re the former (a confident, outgoing woman who is not afraid to make the first move), and a guy isn’t into you… then there is something wrong with him (not you). If it’s the latter (which it sounds like it might be), there is still time to turn things around.

Figuring out the line between “hook up” and “relationship” is not too hard to do: one is easier than the other. Has this guy really had to put in any effort forth to earn these steamy make-out sessions? Has he really had to learn who you are, or what you like, before getting all of the perks (and a warm body next to him at night?) Yes, it’s true that you haven’t had sex yet (which is farther ahead than most of your college peers), but you are still giving away all of your “intimacy” without much in return.

Although everyone says that “relationships should be easy,” they don’t mean that they don’t take work. A relationship is wrong if you’re constantly doubting, guessing and wondering what the other person is thinking. A relationship is right (no matter how easily it comes together in the beginning) if you’re taking the time and effort to make sure it forms properly, with mutual understanding (am I sounding like Dr. Phil yet?)

The real question to ask is… what do you want right now? If you really want immediate sexual relief and the meeting of your needs… than stop psychoanalyzing what this guy thinks of you and get some (safely), with zero mental strings attached. But if you want to evolve into something more, then you might need to pull on the reigns (slightly), and try meeting in environments that won’t equate drunkenness or spooning. If you don’t want to feel like just another horny hook up, then stop being one.

– The Dude

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

Like most women, I get a little horny sometimes. (And like all women, I wish there were a less disgusting term to use to describe that phenomenon.) The fact is, I have needs and it gets a little old to be using a battery operated machine to fulfill them all the time. I love my vibrator, but it can’t cuddle with me, or play with my hair, or tell me how hot I look thanks to all those grueling Sunday morning boot camps.

And the longer I’m single (which is a long, LONG time – the closest thing I’ve had in the past 3 years was a guy I was dating for 2 months who broke it off with me via email…and called me the wrong name), the more I’m inclined to get into a Friends With Benefits relationship.

But I’m not sure I should really let my hormones make any decisions for me. Lord knows that doesn’t work out when I’m PMSing and those bitches tell me to eat an entire pizza…and dip it in ranch dressing.

Needless to say, I’m torn.

Love It:
Let’s be honest – we all want a relationship, but sometimes that relationship doesn’t happen and we’re left all by our lonesome. That means no consistent booty, which makes the #1 benefit of an FWB “Booty on Demand.” I am a twenty-something woman and I have needs. Needs that are only intensified when Ketel One is coursing through my veins. The fact that I can dial for booty is incredibly enticing. No more going home alone and scouring the house for batteries; just a simple “wanna come over?” text and I’m halfway to pleasure-ville.

But even more than the actual sexy time, an FWB is fun and exciting. It’s someone to think about when lecture gets boring, someone to flirt and play games with, and someone you are comfortable enough with to try new things. And it’s just someone else to hang out with when all your girlfriends are having date night with their super serious boyfriends and there is nothing to watch on TV.

Loathe It:
Well, duh, someone always ends up getting hurt. No matter how much you both try to (or convince yourselves) that this is a no-strings-attached sitch, there are strings. And they are attached. Maybe not on an “I love you” level, but in a “you are supposed to be my FWB, I am not going to share you!” sort of way.

And then there’s the fact that instead of going out and meeting new guys who could be actual boyf material, you are leaving the bar early to get naked with someone who will never commit to you. You’re wasting your time and skills on someone who will never give you what you ultimately want/need, which is someone who calls you before midnight when they aren’t elbow deep in Bud Light.

But then there’s that little horny devil on your shoulder telling you to ignore all that ish and get thee an FWB.
Sigh.
Is there really a right answer here?!

Phone sex. One of those taboos that’s so great, people are willing to pay $5.99 a minute just to get some. Of course, if you’re in a relationship, you can get it for free. But you haven’t, have you? Sure, phone sex might seem awkward at first, but under certain circusmtances, it can satisfy the carnal needs of you and your partner.What’s the big deal with phone sex, you ask. I mean, sure, I prefer a quality hump to a Cingular-shag, but sometimes, you’re horny and physical contact isn’t an option.

I lost my phone sex virginity when I was in a long-distance relationship. Actually, we were having phone sex long before we had actual intercourse, because my track record was a lot longer than my man’s and I was trying to be a “good girl” and take things slow, or some bullsh*t like that.

Anyway, you know all the fluff and butterflies that come when you have a new crush, or even better, a new boyfriend. I was really into this guy. I wanted him. Bad. But I was buried with school work, and wouldn’t be able to visit him for a week or two. One night, I called him, half in the bag and 100% horny. Obviously, the alcohol lowered my inhibitions, and I started talking dirty, telling him how much I wanted him…and the next thing I knew, BAM! Phone sex.

We started having phone sex on a fairly regular basis after that. I mean, we both wanted to be together, and this was the closest thing to “real” intimacy. AND it was satisfying! Without going TMI on you folks, I’d just like to tell you that there’s something really hot about knowing that you can get your partner off from hundreds of miles away. And there’s also something hot about hearing all the things he wants to do to you when he finally gets to wrap his arms around you.

Like I said, my phone sex relationship was long distance. Still, the phone sex brought us super close together, because there is a certain amount of trust (and an equally important amount of lust) required to be able to feel comfortable about breathing heavily into the phone.

If you are in a long-distance relationship, or if your mate has to travel, phone sex is awesome. Hell, even if you call him on his lunch break and tell him all the naughty thoughts going through your head, I’m pretty sure you’ll earn ten billion cool girlfriend points. Besides, it’s a great creative outlet. If you want to have good phone sex, you better come up with some freaky shit to whisper to your man. “I want you to get on top of me and do me missionary” is only hot for the five seconds it takes to spit the words out. But, if you get creative and detail-oriented, you will drive your man wild. And just thinking about all this raunchy stuff will do wonders for your own libido as well.

An added bonus? You can vividly describe sexual stuff so funky it would never work in real life…but you can live out any fantasy over the phone.

If there’s one thing I already knew, it’s that when you’re the poor, unpopular kid on the Upper East Side, your life will be a continuous cycle of being walked over, speaking your mind, putting your foot in your mouth, and then being magically forgiven and allowed to advance to the next round.

Did you miss last night’s episode? Let me fill you in.

Within the first minute of GG, Nate mentions the inevitable party that will tangle everyone up in some drama that will continue to be played out next week.

Other expected GG staples: Catherine and Nate talk money; Serena and Dan are together but have issues (did I miss them deciding to be a “secret” couple?); and Jenny has some great ideas for her fashion internship, but she’s a lowly intern and isn’t allowed to have opinions.

The best thing about the first half? The mini gossip girls who approach Dan and throw in their two cents. If you missed it, two tweeny-bopping brunettes are on Dan’s side, and one tweeny-bopping blond is on team S. The blond asks Serena how she can kiss Dan, knowing his tongue has been in Georgina’s mouth, which seems a bit much when you consider the girs were, what, 11? The tweensters were obviously comic relief, but for some reason their opinions caused an awkward rift between S and Lonely Boy…which I was over by the next commercial.

The real hotness revolves around Chuck and Blair for the third consecutive week. Chuck, like most high school boys, has a string of call girls filing in and out of his room, but can’t seem to perform. Dr. Ruth–I mean, Serena–suggests it’s because all he really cares about is B., which prompts Chuck to seek out a tryst with Blair so he can use her as “sexual Drain-o” to unclog his pipes.

At the party, Chuck and Blair have their weekly sexual-tension infused interaction, which started out pretty hot, but then got a little creepy…but still pretty hot. (Editor’s Note: SO hot.) Here’s another question: why can’t Blair, last season’s token virgin, suddenly go without sex? I mean, she was with Nate since freaking kindergarten and kept her chastity belt on, but now she’s like a dog in heat around Marcus. Which, of course, our favorite Duchess, Catherine, can smell immediately.

Now, it’s time to learn our life lessons from the crew. Nate really likes Vanessa, but Vanessa discovers his affair with Catherine. Dear Nate, when someone you like asks you if you are sleeping with a cougar, don’t justify it with, “She’s giving me money.” Horny Blair invites Marcus upstairs, only to finally lock lips with Chuck. Dear Blair, when your boyfriend walks in on you making out with someone else, the excuse, “I thought he was you,” won’t fly.

Of course, this is Gossip Girl world, so Vanessa likes Nate even more, and Marcus is finally ready to nail Blair.

Oh, in the meantime, Jenny got fired by Mrs. Waldorf, then rehired. Because that’s what Jenny does. And Serena and Dan broke up, but they really still love each other. Because that’s what Serena and Dan do. And Catherine “doesn’t like to share her toys. Especially when she’s paid for them.” So she blackmails Vanessa to leave Nate alone. Because that’s what rich, horny cougars who get to ride Chace Crawford do.

Gossip Girl. Everything you missed in high school, wrapped into 42 minutes of Monday night television. I love it.

Usually, we try to have some kind of theme to our Wednesday Night series, but when we went digging through the Casual Encounters this week, we spent so much time being supremely grossed out that it was all we could do to keep ourselves from falling on the floor and pouring printer ink into our eyes. I mean, there was some gross sh*t on the internet this week. For realz.

Below are just a bunch of people we really hope we never meet.

Guy Who May or May Not Work At Costco Wants To Help You Promote Infidelity

Hey there. Thanks for reading my ad. I’m looking for a stay at home mom, that is already in a relationship, but just wants to have a lover on the side. You know the drill, your husband goes to work, and you have to watch the kids. But when the kids are at school, or go to their friends house, you have some free time to yourself. Then you fantasize about hooking up with the FedEx driver or that young guy that helped you at Costco. Well if that’s you, lets meet up.

If you can’t keep a secret, or if you are single, please don’t reply.

I own a pretty decent size company, so discretion is a must.

He Obviously TiVo’s ‘Little People, Big World’

Handsome multi ethnic male

6ft 200lbs muscular and hung 9 inches seeks a wild and kinky open minded little person, midget, dwarf who is interested in a sexual relationship. I prefer thick and curvy bbw types.

If interested in partying some time, lets trade pix, discrete here with plenty to trade.

This Dude Has Found the Missing Food Group…Apparently

Worldclass cunningluinguist [Editor's Note: Fantastic word choice!!] will get you off. believe it.

addicted/obsessed.teachable. & I can host if you like. same day/night meets only. no pic exchanges, I DO talk, keeps my tongue limber. going down….

Phoenix Guy Uses A) Caps and B) Bossy Statements Just A Little Too Much (but come on cut him some slack he’s bored and horny!!)

I AM HOME AND REALLY BORED! I WANNA CHILL WITH SOMEONE AND WE WILL SEE WHAT HAPPENS! IM 5’5 SHORT BLK HAIR, HAZEL EYES, AVERAGE BUILD, WEIGH 130 HAVE SIX AND A HALF INCHES UNCUT AND THICK, IF YOU WANNA MEET UP SEND ME A MESSAGE AND ILL HIT U UP!

I HAVE PICS UPON REQUEST! COME ON GUYS REALLY BORED AND HORNY!

This Guy Knows That Nothing Breaks Up A Monotonous Day Better Than Porn

Looking for a place to hang out during work hours .. maybe drink a beer watch some porn .. stroke my 8 inch c*ck ….

i am 5’11 188 lbs liteskin brn eyes a sweet smile and even sweeter lips …. let’s break up the monotony ….

For this week’s Wednesday Night Encounters, we’re going to observe Men Of Few Words. Not everyone finds it necessary to go on and on about what they want in a partner. Some people enjoy eulogizing for hours about their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams, their “future”, but these guys aren’t interested in bogging us down with such trivial matters. In only a few small sentences, they get to the heart of the matter. They know what they want…and they want it now.

Nice.

New York Guy Seeking a Chick to Kick the Sh*t Out Of Him (PS: he’s afraid of the word vagina)

I am looking for a dominant woman to smack me around a bit, and abuse me for her pleasure.

I want you to make me grovel at your feet, lick and suck your toes. Have you bend and make me lick you know where and clean you to show me my place.

Yes, I know, its extreme but damn it sounds fun, doesn’t it?

I am clean, nice and gl and wish to start fulfilling some fantasies I have had.

A plus if you are mature and a plus if a BBW.

‘Sopranos’ Extra Looking to Try Out His Viagra

Greetings and thanks for stopping by. what is super viagra? it’s a sexual stimulant that keeps me hard for hours… even after i’ve come! once i get off i’m yours to use any way you want plus, i have great hands, tongue and heart… oh and i’m also fairly well endowed. not huge but, as one lady friend once told me: ‘i’m the perfect size.’

funny thing too… the last lady i had a one night sand with… it lasted for five years! no, the viagra didn’t last that long!

I Can Haz Oralz?

let me get onto my knees. crawl under your desk. then lift you skirt up. pull panties aside. an orally plz you.

IF HE DOESN’T HAVE SEX NOW, HE WILL DIE. SERIOUSLY!!!

I AM EXTREMELY HORNY AND MUST HAVE SEX IMMMEDIATELY. I AM D AND D FREE AND COMPLETELY CLEAN THERE IS NOTHING. WRONG. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WTIH ME EXCEPT THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HORNY AND I NEED TO F*CK IN AS MANY POSITIONS AS POSSIBLE.

I EVEN WILL WECOME MORE PEOPLE TO THE F*CKFST. WOMEN OF ALL AGES AND SHAPES ARE INVITED. PLEASE HURRY IF INTERESTED CALL ME AT 2 ONE 4 7TWO5 2SIXFIVE6 I WILL BE ANSWERING ALL DAY UNTIL 4. I WILL MAKE EVERYSECOND YOUR WITH ME HEAVEN. HURRY BEFORE YOU MISS YOUR CHANCE.

Give Him a BJ, Please? I Mean, The Dude Had To Move Back To His Momz!

im not looking for sex just a bj i just broke up wit my lady and it would help i hade to move back to my moms…ladies only plz know how to suck d*ck for real!

Since learning that confidence is the most attractive thing to a man, I have been pretty successful in my late night endeavors. I see a man I want and I go for it. The general “walk up to a guy and flirt your heart out” approach is most definitely the way to go, but it is the variety of pick-up lines that makes the whole thing so much more fun.

My 5 most successful are listed below. Feel free to use ‘em…they work like a charm. (Just make sure to thank me later. I accept cookies, hugs and dates with Jake Gyllenhaal.)

1. Did you go to [Insert school here]? It is always good to have something to talk about when you approach a man. I mean, you would look pretty creepy if you just walked up to him and stood around. The school thing is always the best way to go because even if you know for a fact that kid did NOT go to Michigan, it is a great way to start off a convo. And let him know how smart you are.

2. My friends and I are fighting and I need your opinion. Is it true that all you guys need is a handful? Always a good line for the flatter ladies out there. This says, I have small boobs and I’m fine with it. Oh, it also shows the guy you have a sense of humor…and you want him to look at your boobs. Later. In bed.

3. Tell your friend you don’t need a wingman. Dudes always bring out a wingman. Without one, they just look like creepy/sleezy guys looking to get laid. Just tell him to ditch the friend and you have yourself more one on one time…instead of all that time wasted hanging out with the friends and trying to think of a way to get home.

4. [Chugs drink in front of boy.] I can’t seem to get a drink around here…Maybe you’ll have better luck? What can I say? I like getting free drinks… Oh and free drinks lead to drunk/horny people, which ends up working for all of us in the end.

5. What do you do for a living? Oh? I write a sex column. This one gets them every. time. And maybe that’s why I’m always using it. Men simply cannot turn down the opportunity to see their name in print. The minute I tell them what I do (and prove it by whippin’ out the iPhone), they can’t stay away. Not a sex columnist? Lie. I promise…this one always leads to happy endings (and not the kind you have to pay for).

Got any others? I’m always open to trying new ideas….

• I really wish my contribution to society was “:-)”! I’m really jealous…seriously. (Wired.com)

• So, wait, it’s breaking news now that people like to look at attractive people and it only takes a half second to notice them? Any horny college kid could’ve told you that. (Yahoo News)

• If you have a tramp stamp, beware! All of those pregnancies that your stamp has been causing is going to make birth a lot more painful. (wsj.com)

• Bad News: You’re in college and weed is still illegal. Good News: As long as you’re not a raging pot-head. (denverpost.com)

• I almost forgot Halloween was coming. So, just in case you love candy as much as we do at College Candy (ha) check out some sweets that never made it onto store shelves. (i-mockery.com)