When you’re in a relationship, however, a whole new set of problems can arise. For instance, is there really a romantic gift out there that you can give to your guy without freaking him out or insulting is masculinity? Just like in any other case, the best gifts in life are free and usually involve sex. For those of us who like to go the extra mile, I’ve compiled a list of spicy activities that you and your guy can enjoy together. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Bust out the edible massage oil – What guy doesn’t like a massage? And what girl doesn’t love sweets (especially when licking it off their boyfriend’s hot bod)? I like to think that this activity combines the two best activities out there. You can even make your own massage oil from random things laying around the house. Plus, there is a high chance that your boyfriend will reciprocate your affection (in more than one way) by the time the night’s through.

Cook a romantic dinner in aprons. Nope, no clothes. Just aprons. – The more romantic, delicious, and lickable the food you make together, the better. I like the idea of dipping fresh strawberries in a home-made chocolate fondue. Add some champagne, mood lighting, and chocolate body painting and you’re in business.

Move it to the Bathroom – This is for all you romantics out there. It’s time to say goodbye to your routine shower-quickie. This Valentine’s Day, it’s all about going big. I’m talkin’ intense bubbles, vanilla scented candles, and a Barry White on the record player. (Okay maybe not the last one, you’re not your Aunt Sally, after all). Kill two birds with one stone and get clean while gettin dirrrrrty.

Jump his bones – Invite him to a feux-romantic date. When he shows up on your porch (hopefully with flowers) stun him by opening the door in your scantily-clad bod and pulling him inside. The bigger the surprise, the better, so be sure to make your fake plans extra mushy so he doesn’t expect anything resembling sex. “Hey honey, how about this Valentine’s Day we go to the ballet then watch The Notebook?” Perfect.

Get Ballsy – Instead of your normal hum-drum I Love You Handsome Valentine’s Day card, give him something that will really spark his interest. Step 1: Pick out a frilly pink romantic V-day card at Hallmark. Step 2: Write a lonnggg list of all the things you want to do to him that night. Step 3: Give it to him when he least expects it; leave it on his car before his class, give it to him when you exchange gifts at a romantic dinner, or have a stranger deliver it to him in the middle of campus. Step 4: Deliver on your promises. I swear he won’t be able to get you off his mind for the entire day.

Go Off-Site – If you’re feeling a little well-off (aka, not broke), take your romantic evening to a cheap-ish hotel. It will feel much more exciting hooking up in an unfamiliar place rather than the bed you’ve slept in every night since freshman year. Plus, there’s no chance of his awkward 30 year old roommate walking in on you or hearing you through the walls while he’s watching the Price is Right.

If you can travel…

Hey, if you’ve got the funds, lucky you. Hit up another country and see how they do New Years. You don’t regret it. If you’re still underage, Canadian cities can be quite the hotspot (take it from someone who spent her last <21 New Years in Montreal, after a 10-hour road strip). If you’re loaded despite being in college during the recession, head on over to Europe. Hate the cold? Sing Auld Lang Syne in Puerto Rico or the Dominican Republic.

Okay, those are nice ideas in a fantasy world… but let’s move onto options for those of us who can’t cough up the money for airfare.

If you want to travel but can’t afford it…

Throw a Chinese New Year’s party. Okay, so technically the CNY kicks off February 1, but who cares? Cater your party with Egg Rolls and Fortune Cookies (way cheaper than many food options), decorate with paper dragons, and serve Sake till the last Geisha’s standing.

Create Your Own Times Square. NYC is pretty much insane on New Year’s anyway. Hang a disco ball from the ceiling and buy skyscraper cut-outs for the walls. Have everyone dress up (because in college, the land of hoodies and sweatshirts, you can never have too many fancy-dress parties), and broadcast the Manhattan festivities on your TV in the background. It’ll be warmer than Times Square, and you probably won’t have any bums hitting you up for spare change on the way home.

Throw a Hotel Party…in the Next Town Over. Grab a room at the Best Western or the HoJo, and pretend you’re at the Ritz Carlton. Nobody will have to drive, you won’t have to clean up, and maybe you can work it so you share a queen bed with your crush.

If you really don’t care about traveling, and just want to have a good time:

Throw a “My Tie” party. If you can make a large quantity of Mai Tais in a punch bowl, more power to you. But encourage everyone to dress business-casual, and when the men arrive, have them remove their ties and throw them in a basket. The ladies then choose a tie, and the man who belongs to that piece of neckwear is her date for the night. Takes the pressure off of finding a kiss at Midnight.

New Year’s Resolutions parties can also be fun, because we all have them, and none of us stick to them. Wear a necklace made of empty Marlboro boxes if you plan to quit smoking, or wear some hot spandex if you vow to go to the gym more regularly. Things can get pretty effing creative here. Not into costumes? Have everyone throw their resolution into a hat, and try to guess who is giving up what this year.

Have a Blind Date. They say the way you ring in the new year is a prediction of how the next 365 days will unfold. Plan a girl’s night and go Speed Dating as a group, or see if any bachelors have posted on CrazyBlindDate.com. The key is to get your friends involved, so that at the very least, you can have a laugh. New Year’s Eve is all about letting loose isn’t it?

If you really don’t care about getting smashed…

Check out your city’s First Night. There’s bound to be fireworks, free live music, and tons of street vendors. Many cities across the US host First Night celebrations, and they are quite lucrative.

Host a Best-Of 2008 Movie Marathon. Curl up with some take-out and a stash of DVDs – just be sure to press pause for the Ball Drop at midnight!

Make Some Money. I’ve had my share of insane NYE celebrations. So last year, I opted to wait tables, since every weekend for me is as crazy as the novice’s New Year. The tips were good, and I was still out by midnight. And I made up for missing the big party by having several “No Reason” celebrations. Scour Craigslist and you’ll see tons of opportunities to work at private parties on the 31st. You never know what kind of adventure will actually unravel.

For some reason, Ali chooses to adopt an even more nasally tone for this 25 minute tribute to ungratefulness. She complains in this obnoxious tantrum pending voice about all of the trials life has delivered to her. Like the fact that she, her awesome brother and (arguably) cool mom have to live in a tricked out penthouse at the Palms while she records her album. I guess it gets pretty taxing when you’re attending all of these exhausting “Welcome to Vegas!” parties (with delicious looking cake) thrown just for you by the f*#king Maloufs.

Ugh, sorry about that. Anyways, Dina introduces Ali (who is wearing a gorgeous but way too mature minidress) to a bunch of important 30 something guys that she wants Ali to “get comfortable with.” Dina baby, they’re mentally undressing your 14 year old — not very comfort inducing, I would say. The men all flirt with Ali while she fidgets, present her the aforementioned cake (note to self, go buy something with chocolate as soon as I’m done writing) and begin an episode long tradition of complimenting Ali and promising her she’s the next big thing.

Ali, unnerved by all this attention, tells Alexis she’s starting to feel the heat. Dina gives her a necklace as a job well done gift (even though she hasn’t done anything yet.) Apparently, Ali is very comfortable with doing very little and expecting great outcomes, because in the studio the next day, she is a difficult and annoying child.

Ali interrupts herself with criticism every 5 seconds and you can see the frustration seeping out of the producers’ faces. Meanwhile, her wierd ass vocal coach tries to teach Ali how to sing un-flat notes. Her voice has the potential to be good, but she does this wierd man sounding thing that my friend Sarah does when she sings Carrie Underwood. Yea, it’s more Kermit than Mariah, but it’s nothing the Maloufs’ Auto-Tune can’t fix.

Ali then takes a break from recording, even though she’s accomplished like, 3 verses. When she gets back, the producer tells her she’s done for today. Her homework: work on her confidence and staying in the moment–she has all the natural gifts, but needs to stop being a whiny, impatient brat (in so many words).

To ease the viewers’ frustration, the wise wise powers that be at E! intersperse Ali’s episodes with the sheer brilliance that is Cody Lohan. Dina feels bad for her bored youngest, and takes Cody out on the town while Ali records, for some mommy and me bonding time. First stop, lunch with a famous magician who impresses Cody, Dina and I with double entendre laden magic tricks about multiplying rabbits. Next, to soothe his disappointment that there’s no soccer in Vegas (and here I thought there’s no crying in baseball), Codeman gets his sports fix at a sweet arcade, and gets to run around a wax museum with Dina. I don’t know about her use of Botox, but she seemed awfully at home amongst all those frozen faces–JK Dina you beautiful creature, I know your secret is probably something Long Island old school that Nana taught you.

Ali, back at the hotel room after a hard day’s “work” calls Dina to complain about not doing anything. Um ,you recorded your album…isn’t that why you’re here? She whines about being tired and not being able to go out and play with mom and Cody.

Dina comes to talk to Ali about her pissy attitude today. Ali complains more about not being able to go out and have fun when she was recording all day. Dina gently explains to Ali that she’s here to work and record–not run around Vegas with her family. She tells Ali that if she wants this, she needs to work, or they’ll just pack it up and head back East. Ali agrees to give it another shot.

Dina then talks to Ali’s babysitter producer about her naptime, snack time, when she needs to be changed, etc. Dina explains that, being that Ali is only 14, she is a whiny little git by default. I guess this makes sense, and yes, the producers must remember that “the talent” is a child. However Ali needs to remember that she is being given the chance of a lifetime, not thanks to her own merit, but as a bonus of her (legitimate, non secret bastard child) sister’s hard work, pre-trainwreck. Suck it up and realize how awesome your life is woman!

Then Dina takes Ali to the Pearl theater to have Ali lip sync her own song. This is supposed to instill Ali with some cojones, and apparently works. She hits the studio with renewed energy and confidence, and even worse annunciation skills. Nonetheless, the grown ups are all pleased.

Everyone gathers for the big reveal of a portion of her song “All the Way Around” Cody deems it excellent and everyone reassures Ali that she’s going to be the next big thing (again). I fight the urge to backhand my TV and wonder if Ali has learned any semblance of a lesson. Oh Well.

Next Week:

Cody meets the Girls Next Door. I think he and Kendra should play a round of soccer together. Although it may lead to him developing a crush on her and ruining my chances of marrying him.

Jeremy arrives in Vegas (ugh) to try to get Ali to sing a “guy song.” The clips show everyone being annoyed and frustrated by Jeremy’s general presence, and I wonder if it’s finally time for them to give him the boot. I also wonder if he has eyeballs, or if those stupid glasses are a coverup for empty sockets. Hmm.

Deflowering a virgin is something that guys think about…and they usually think about it in one of two ways: they either are dying to do it because they love the idea of being a girl’s “first” OR they’re terrified of it because they can’t emotionally throw down and they don’t think it’d be fair to rob a girl of her innocence without being able to give her foot massages and take her out on dates.

However, when I deflowered my first and only (or so I hope to be my first and only) virgin; I wasn’t thinking about either one of these things. Because I didn’t know he was a virgin. I had just met him.

Here’s what I DID know:

-He was bangin’ hot.

-He was a few years younger than me. However, he was 19 and legal.

-He was shy around me and I thought it was cute.

-He was willing to drive two hours to meet up with me the day after he met me.

-He still lived with his parents.

-He worked at Jamba Juice.

Here’s what I found out during the act:

-He was afraid of giving oral. I taught him how. (In my defense; I believed that there was a possibility he could have been inexperienced with oral, but still experienced with intercourse.)

-He had no idea how to take charge in sex. (Yawn. I hate that.)

Here’s what happened after the act:

-He invited himself to stay at my hotel with my friends.

-He cuddled with me as if we were stranded in the arctic.

-He asked me when he’d see me again when I had to leave (take note of the fact that he and I live about a 24 hour drive apart from each other.)

-He texted/called me incessantly during the days after…toying with ideas of coming to visit me…and even MOVING to L.A.

I eventually cracked.

“Had you ever had sex before me?”

I finally asked him this via a text message after yet another voicemail at 3am about how much I meant to him.

“No….so?”

UGH.

I have no idea why he didn’t mention to me that he was a virgin. However, now I know why so many guys out there are terrified of deflowering one. The pressure is frightening! I hope I’m never any boy’s first ever again.

I’ll make sure of this by keeping away from 19 year old boys who live with their parents and work at Jamba Juice.

Sex sells. We all know that.

Otherwise, the porn industry wouldn’t be so profitable and I wouldn’t consider hooking myself out sometimes because I’m so poor (kidding!).But as TV and the Internet merge into one, the porn industry is thinking of taking it live… straight to your hotel room.

Eventually, you could trade in your $9.99 pre-recorded porn Pay-Per-View movie for the real deal. Albeit, the real deal as it happens live from somewhere else, not in your hotel room bed.

Gregory Clayman, owner of Video Secrets a live-action company, told the New York Times that “live, right now, is coming of age.”

And with about one-third of America’s On-Demand and Pay-Per-View movies (which are profiting $1.6 billion a year) being adult films, I guess the question is why not?

Some web companies already allow the viewer to direct the action of the porn through text messages sent directly to the performers. And with the popularity of web cams, porn and live action sex already taking place on the internet, its just a matter of time before live is not just for Regis and Kelly.

Move over morning television, live porn is on its way.