Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Girl, boy, after a class.)

Girl:  I bet you had an erection that whole lecture.
Boy: No, I didn’t.

(Two interns, talking in an office breakroom.)

Girl: I think public art is important.

Guy: And pubic art, too.

Girl: Well, that goes without saying.

(Guy, with his girlfriend, at a hairdresser.)

Girl: Oh wow! I love it!

Guy: I don’t know … I don’t look like I’m smart anymore.

(Girl, standing outside the men’s bathroom at a bar when a guy walks up.)

Girl: Hey. Hey! Don’t go in there. I know what you’re going to do in there!

(Girl, bringing a drink back to a table.)

Guy: Whad’ya get?

Girl: It’s a gimlet.

Guy: Oh. We usually freeze those. Or put them in the gravy.

(Girl and British guy, hanging out outside the dining hall.)

Guy: So … Irish Car Bombs? That’s really a thing? Like, a weapon of terrorism used to blow people up in Northern Ireland?

Girl: Yeah, I guess it’s kind of insensitive.

Guy: I mean, how would you feel if we had a drink called the Twin Towers or something?

(Extremely loud girl, at a restaurant.)

Girl: Oh, I absolutely want to f— him. Geez, and his girlfriend, I’d steal her! My vagina is absolutely interested in that. Wow!  (Turns to waitress, who just showed up) Oh, yeah, can I just get a refill on my water?

(Girl and boy, heard through a screen door at a party.)

Girl: Sorry, but …

Guy: Yeah?

Girl: That was probably the worst sex I’ve had, ever.

Guy: Yeah, I agree, that was pretty lame. I’ll make it up to you.

Girl: No, that’s okay.

(Girl, walking out of a sex lecture.)

Girl: Wow … I just got a year’s worth of Awkward Turtles in like forty minutes.

Girl, walking through campus on the phone.)

Girl: OK, well I haven’t pooped yet today so we may have to make a stop…. No I’m Prairie Doggin’ so it should be quick.

(Two girls, following a reproductive anatomy class.)

Girl 1: Now, whenever I do anything with anyone I’m going to be thinking about this.

Girl 2: Yeah, I know

Girl 1: Yeah, like right before he gets off I’m gonna be thinking, “oh, this is secreting this, this is mixing with that.”

While I love my boyfriend Matt to death, there comes a time (OK, many times) when he drive me insane. Sometimes all of the little annoying habits he has make either want to barf or slap him upside the head. I’m sure some of you will think “That’s terrible! I would never be grossed out by or want to hurt my boyfriend!” But I’d put money down on the table right now that most of you feel my pain and are sitting there right now thinking, “OMG, sometimes my boyfriend annoys the crap out of me.”

For instance, let’s just take the fact that men, by nature, are gross. Matt is no exception (obviously). While yes, it’s appreciated that he showers regularly and brushes his teeth, it still grosses me out to no end when he wakes up in the morning and immediately starts hacking and coughing up God knows what. I know that people have to take care of some phlegm in the morning on occasion, but this is every. single. morning. And it’s not one cough either – it’s several loud and, from the sound of it, very productive hacks. Trust me, it’s not what you want to hear at 6 a.m. when you’re trying desperately to get a few more precious minutes of sleep.

Then there’s the failed attempts at humor. While Matt has a great sense of wit and is usually really dang funny, he’s got one flaw in the comedy department: accents and impersonations. That really wouldn’t be a big deal if it weren’t for the fact that he tries to do them just about every time we’re with people. As a former theater major, bad accents get to me. I did a year of Irish dialect training, so when he tries his hand at an Irish brogue, it’s not only totally unfunny, but it has the same effect on me that nails on the chalkboard have one the rest of society. And our friends have noticed as well.

Before you go off thinking I’m a total witch with a capital B, please know that I’ve talked to Matt about it. While it was hard news to take, he did promise to try to cut back on the bad impersonations and has made huge strides in the hacking department. (Literally – he runs into the bathroom.) He is human and slips up sometimes, but I’m learning to not let stuff like that get to me, and in no way does it make me love him less. I also know that there are things that I do that annoy the heck out of him, so we both try to be understanding when the other slips up.

In a way it’s kind of nice to have a boyfriend with tiny flaws, because, well, it’s a whole lot better than someone with giant flaws. And at the end of the day, wanting to kick my boyfriend for attempting to pull phlegm up from his chest isn’t a bad thing – it’s normal. Even the happiest couple in the world wants to smack each other once in awhile.

So, what does your BF do that makes you want to scream?

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Two girls, on a campus bus.)

Girl 1: So did they have sex?

Girl 2: No, they boarded Penetration Station but the train never left.

(Girls in pajamas, waiting in line at Dunkin Donuts.)

Girl 1: It was hands versus boobs.

Girl 2: That’s a really hard fight to win.

(Two guys, talking in the student lounge.)

Guy 1: They’ve really improved dread rendering, haven’t they.

Guy 2: Yeah. Dreads are just these big snakey lumps.

(Tour group, walking through campus.)

Group leader (yelling) : Hey! You guys aren’t fooling anyone! You’re not gay at all! … Yeah, so this is the library.

(Guy, writing a paper with another guy in the library.)

Guy: Is it funny if I … ejaculate out a window? Holding two stress balls? No, I mean, not like that.

(Guy, at a party, talking to another guy.)

Guy: I have to pee. Should I go outside, or can I use your toilet?

Guy 2: What? Why?

Guy: Don’t you have to pay for water?

Guy 2: Yeah, the toilet is heated. I don’t know if I can spare you a flush.

(Guy, raising a hand in class.)

Guy: This book is about wanting to get out of your circumstances. Wanting to make them better. Like me, see, I’m a miserable prick. And I can’t ever get away.

(Girl, on phone.)

Girl: … I don’t get it! What’s so funny about pudding farts?

(Girl, guy, in Starbucks.)

Girl: Wait, so … is your hat glued to your head?

(Girls, at dining hall for breakfast.)

Girl 1: You’re gonna have to stop laying on me.

Girl 2: But you’re soft. Breakfast is not. I wouldn’t lay on a bowl of oatmeal.

Girl 1: Don’t they do that in spas?

(Girl, talking to friends in a dorm.)

Girl: So I was thinking … like it’s really cool. When Japanese people talk to each other, they just sound like this. Or Australians.

(Girls, outside a dorm bathroom.)

Girl 1: Hey, you guys almost done in there?

Girl 2: Yeah, you done slappin’ the pants?

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Customer and cashier, at a cash register.)

Cashier: That doesn’t even look like your signature.

Customer: I know. It looks like Chinese or something.

Cashier: Yeah, I think it looks like if somebody had a stroke.

Customer: Yeah I was going to say that, but I thought that would be inappropriate.

(Guy and girl in tour group, walking through campus.)

Guy: Flying’s weird. Turbulence feels like you’re … hitting a ton of small animals, or something.

Girl: Ohh-kay. Don’t know you well enough for that kind of humor yet.

(Girl, buying food at a Subway.)

Girl: Can I have a footlong meatball sub on … the fattening bread?

(Guy, leaving some girls at a bar.)

Guy: Call me! We’ll do something!

Girl: Yeah, sure!

(Guy leaves.)

Girl: Yeah, nobody likes him. He’s awkward and old and he has a really creepy family.

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: So I woke up on the porch this morning. Yup, right next to the grill and the beer. Yup, it was awesome.

(Mom, with family, in a sports bar.)

Mom: So wait, there are only two halves?

Daughter: Yeah, two halves.

Mom: I don’t get it. Why two?

Daughter: Well … like, there aren’t four, ’cause that’d be quarters.

Mom: I don’t understand.

(Guy, girl, talking in an office.)

Guy: So you wouldn’t go back in time and kill Hitler?

Girl: I don’t think I would, no.

Guy: Geez, I mean … maybe you look kind of Aryan …

Girl: I’m Jewish.

(Two guys, talking in a dorm room doorway.)

Guy 1: Dude, you’re drinking and you’re still not done with that assignment?

Guy 2: No, it’s done. I did it all in this special ink that only appears when you spill beer on it.

(Guy, ordering from Starbucks.)

Guy: Hi, can I get a venti Italian?

Barista: A … sorry, what?

Guy: Italian roast? Venti Italian roast.

Barista: Oh, oh. Coffee.

(Two guys, talking during a plane trip.)

Guy 1: You’re a priest. You think America needs a miracle right now?

Guy 2: Don’t know about America, but I need a hamburger right now.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Two guys, on a day trip to farm)

Guy 1: Look! A bunch of cows!
Guy 2: Herd of cows!
Guy 1: Of course I’ve heard of cows!
Guy 2: No, no! A cow herd!
Guy 1: What do I care if a cow heard? I never said anything I shouldn’t have!

(Girl and guy, walking.)

Girl: I’m starving. Let’s get burgers.
Guy: Fur burgers?

(Guy, girl, in a restaurant.)

Guy: I’ve heard from Davis and Florida State.

Girl: Wait, Florida State? Where’s that?

(Two girls, walking around an art museum.)

Girl 1: I didn’t think people wore dresses like that back then.

Girl 2: I didn’t know people knew what boobs were back then.

(Two guys, waiting in a restaurant.)

Guy 1: Man, if I don’t eat something soon, I’m gonna eat someone.

Guy 2: S—.

Guy 1: Didn’t say it had to be you.

(Girl, on the phone at a bus stop.)

Girl: Why are you apologizing? I’m the one who’s making out with your roommate!

(Two girls, watching women’s basketball in the lounge.)

Girl 1: I don’t think we can lose.

Girl 2: Depends. Can they shoot 3-point shots from the bathroom?

Girl 1: That’s gotta be a euphemism for something.

(Two girls, browsing a bookstore.)

Girl 1: … Yeah, me too. We fit like hand and glove.

Girl 2: Like Batman and Superman.

Girl 1: Like Batman in Superman.

Girl 2: Yes.

(Girl, on the phone at a party.)

Girl: Look … okay, I’m really too drunk to break up with you right now. Can we just do this tomorrow? Okay. Love you, bye.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Girls, on a park bench.)

Girl 1: … And he said he was afraid to sleeping with me!

Girl 2: I think he’s gay. Or not human.

Girl 3: Oh no! The cockroach clones again?

(Girls, talking at dinner.)

Girl: Today was horrible.

Girl 2: Yeah?

Girl 1: I had the worst headache. It was so bad, I couldn’t pee.

(Guy and girl, getting something from a vending machine.)

Guy: I love vending machines. I love putting my coins into their slots.

(Guy, girl, talking outside a professor’s office.)

Girl: I think you’re an egotistical idiot, you’re full of s—, stupid and your face looks like a pizza. Woops! Vrrrp! Go back in time 10 seconds.

(Professor, lecturing in class.)

Professor: A meteorologist who doesn’t believe in climate change is like a paleontologist who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.

(Girl, talking, in a dorm hallway.)

Girl: I’m going to the rumpus room. Do you have any condoms?

(Girls, at breakfast.)

Girl 1: Hey, you got some boyfriend on your shirt.

Girl 2: What? Eew.

Girl 1: No, it’s nothing gross. Just a little bit of your boyfriend.

(Guy, complaining about something.)

Guy: I don’t see why it needs to just be the ‘Vagina Monologues.’ What about the Penis Monologues? What if all I really want to see is a talking d—?

(Guys, waiting at a bus stop.)

Guy 1: Blue line. That’s all mine.

Guy 2: Dude, you can’t leave now. If you leave now, who will I fart on?

Guy 1: An excellent point.

(Guys, talking over lunch. Different guys. Seriously.)

Guy 1: You know, we have all the power of the internet at our disposal … we can connect to anyone, any time, anywhere … we can share all the information in the world.

Guy 2: And all we want to do is show our d—-s to people.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Girl, yelling, in a bar bathroom.)

Girl: … I’m NOT PREGNANT!

(Two guys, walking in an apartment parking lot.)

Guy 1: Dude, look at that cat. Is that cat drunk?

Guy 2: No, man, everyone knows cats don’t drink.

(Two girls, walking)

Girl 1: OK, we take this to the grave.

Girl 2: Yeah, no one can find out.

Girl 1: Kinda like the time I cried in the Lizzie McGuire movie.

Girl 2: Or when you peed on Stacie’s boots.

(Girl, guy, playing Wii in the lounge.)

Girl: Ughh! Oh my God! I need some Viagra for video games!

(Guy, girl, in the lunchroom kitchen.)

Guy: Aah! I destroy everything I touch!

Girl: Wait, are you breaking up with me?

Guy: No. Broke a plate.

(Girl, watching TV in the lounge.)

Girl: Oh. I get it. Suddenly it makes sense. Football players are all virgins.

(Two guys, waiting to get into a concert.)

Guy 1: You know what it means to f— a duck, right?

Guy 2: What? Uh, no.

Guy 1: Uh, geez. F— a duck. You know, like … that thing?

Guy 2: I dunno, dude.

Guy 1: Man. Just f— a duck.

(Professor, teaching a communications class.)

Professor: But, you’d never do that. It’d be like … a dozen people, sitting in a room in silence, watching a pair of lips on TV. It would be very European.

(Girls, talking at breakfast.)

Girl 1: I need to purge this pizza from my body.

Girl 2: Uh …

Girl 1: Yup. Exactly as gross as you think.

(Guys, outside a campus wings restaurant.)

Guy: Ughhh. I ate so much. It feels like I just got kicked in the stomach. And their shoe got stuck there.

(Girls, sitting around in the study lounge.)

Girl 1: What’s a fun game?

Girl 2: I have this game called “Loot.” It’s, like, a pirate card game.

Girl 1: Like, cuttin’ throats and swingin’ on rigging. And stabbing people’s eyes, so they bleed everywhere like a bloody duck’s butt.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Two guys, leaving a dining hall with hand sanitizer.)

Guy 1: All right. Sterilized high five!

(Girls, at breakfast.)

Girl 1: How was the party?

Girl 2: Weird. Some guy and his girlfriend trapped me in the bathroom all night.

(Two guys, in line for brunch.)

Guy 1: Man, I got so lucky last night.

Guy 2: Oh dude. Did you do it on her face?

Guy 1: … What? No! I didn’t get beat up!

(Girls, playing video games in the common lounge.)

Girl 1: I don’t like it.

Girl 2: Yeah, it’s a giant talking space vagina.

(Two guys, talking while getting out of bio class.)

Guy: You know, sometimes I feel like I was born as the wrong mammal.

(Guy, talking to another guy outside the infirmary office.)

Guy: You think if I go to the center for students with disabilities, they’ll give me a helper monkey?

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: Hey, it’s fine … that’s no skin off my teeth.

(beat)

Girl: Nah. We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.

(From a reader: Two guys, going to the gym.)

Guy 1: Hey, when you’re running on the treadmill … just imagine you’re getting chased by border patrol.

(Girls, waiting in line at the registrar’s office.)

Girl 1: Did you see those fish tanks on the way in?

Girl 2: Oh my god. I am so hungry.

(Two girls, outside the campus basketball stadium.)

Girl 1: I mean, I don’t see how we can lose.

Girl 2: Maybe if we start taking shots while we’re on the crapper.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Guy, talking on the phone.)

Guy: Know how you win an argument? You spank ‘em. Can’t nobody argue with a good spank.

(Two girls, browsing in a convenience store.)

Girl 1: Twix?

Girl: 2: Nah. That doesn’t really lubricate my gears.

(Girl, yelling, behind me at a basketball game.)

Girl: No … ! Don’t dribble! Please don’t dribble! If you dribble, it’ll never come back! I’ll never come back!

(Girls, watching television in the lounge.)

Girl 1: I just like Peyton and beer.

Girl 2: I’d hit Peyton. I’d hit his chin, too, if he had. one.

(Guy, girl, arguing on the apartment bus.)

Girl: I’m not a homophobe! Stop putting words in my mouth.

Guy: I’m not! You said you thought being gay was really crazy and weird!

Girl: I never said that.

Guy: Okay, no, you’re right, you didn’t. Sorry.

(Girl, talking on cell phone.)

Girl: I can’t believe she won the Grammy. I hate Taylor Swift. I’m not listening to her again. Unless I’m drunk. Or working out. Or walking to class.

(Guy and girl, talking – from a CC reader.)

Guy: Nose hair trimmers … I think you could use some of those!

(Two girls, leaving an English class.)

Girl 1: Whaddya think?

Girl 2: I think she makes my coochie tingle.

(Guy, confused, on the phone.)

Guy: I don’t get it. Why would you give someone a purple nurple if it didn’t feel really good?

(Guy, introducing another guy to a lunch table.)

Guy 1: This is Josh. He goes to William and Mary.

Guy 2: Oh, Virginia? So you guys, like, bleed Velveeta, right?

(Girls, watching ‘The Lion King.’)

Girl 1: Mm. Jeremy Irons.

Girl 2: Jeremy’s Iron.

Girl 1: Jer – in me – Irons.

(Two girls, on the other end of the dorm hall.)

Girl: I mean … they do it at 9 p.m., then midnight, then 5 a.m. I don’t get it! Is that guy, like, made of dicks or something?

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Two guys in the grocery store.)

Guy 1: What about that? Gorilla grape. What do you think?

Guy 2: No, man, like … think about it. Gorilla? Ew. I don’t want to drink that.

(Girl, on the phone in Starbucks.)

Girl: You puked in the middle of the street? How drunk were you?…. Sober? Who pukes sober?

(Guy, on the phone in the art lab.)

Guy: Listen, you don’t need to care. But I can fit inside a dinosaur.

(Two girls, walking.)

Girl 1: So how was last night?

Girl 2: It was great. Craziest sex I’ve ever had…. But I’m worried. I think he might like me.

(Professor, in an early morning class.)

Professor: Oh. Sorry.

(beat)

Professor: It’s early. I just burped for the first time.

(Girl, explaining herself.)

Girl: Oh, you see, I barfed, but it was just – this white gunk. Because I didn’t eat anything. I only ever ate Popsicles and yogurt. Because I used to weigh 150 pounds. I was 150 pounds when I was in fourth grade.

(Guy, talking on the road outside an apartment complex.)

Guy 1: God. I was so sick. Couldn’t keep anything down. I only drank iced tea for three days because it tasted just as good coming back the other way.

Guy 2: Dude, that was a rough cyst.

(Girl, on cell phone.)

Girl: It was insane. All of a sudden there was a big dance circle and the entire bar was beating the beat. Even the bartenders.

(Woman, at a deli, wearing a fur coat, fur hat and fur shawl.)

Woman: I would like seven pounds of ham. It’s cold.

(Two girls, talking in the library cafe.)

Girl 1: If I die, just keep me in the worms.

Girl 2: They’re getting hungry. They could use you.

(Cashier at a pizza delivery restaurant.)

Guy: Thanks.

Cashier: I don’t know. I’m just giving you … like, all these presents of food.

Guy: Uh-huh?

Cashier: Like I’m the witch from Hansel and Gretel or something.

Guy: Yeah.

(Two girls, waiting at a bus stop.)

Girl 1: Isn’t it supposed to make your breasts really uncomfortable?

Girl 2: It’s fine. I’ll just have the tiny human take care of it.