It was a couple days after Christmas and my sister and I were at my parents’ cherished retirement pad in Florida. I was hungover and menstruating, so basically my mouth and vagina tasted like cat piss and pennies. We decided mimosas were in order… until I had a sip, remembered single handedly slamming a bottle of bubbly the night before and replaced the champagne with vodka. My mother came home two hours later, and was not happy that A. I had broken into her emergency alcohol supply (this actually exists) and B. that we had decided to get drunk before noon rather than returning/exchanging Christmas presents for her like we said we would three days in a row now.

The two man party kept going until 7 p.m., eight hours later, and somehow we convinced our dad to drive us to a local bar to watch a highly anticipated NFL game. In exchange, we would let him have our McFlurries that were in the freezer. (Also, true.)

The first thing I did when I walked into the bar was buy a waitress’ entire tray of Jell-O shots. The following things also happened at the bar that night: My sister, 21, made out with a 60 year old bartender for a free bag of Jay’s potato chips, I face planted in front of a young family having dinner and the mother says to her daughter “do not talk to that woman”, and as my father pulls in to pick us up I have my pants around my ankles (definitely on the rag), pissing in the parking lot terrace and using the hands of two old geezers to balance myself. (Apparently I had called my dad to tell him he couldn’t eat my McFlurry afterall and spoke like “someone had stapled my tongue to my chin” therefore, he felt compelled to come get us. A**hole.). Meanwhile, my sister is sitting Indian style in a handicap parking spot across from a child who couldn’t be older than twelve, ripping menthol cigarettes and telling him about the Christmas presents she got. Read More »

I am feeling sick. Hungover sick. The sad part? I only had two beers and a shot last night. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. But I am.

I spent all day yesterday looking forward to midnight. I got all dolled up and went downtown to a show–which was so pretentious buzz indie rock that I was suffocating soberly in a room filled with drunken hipsters. At midnight, some gentleman friends of mine took me to a bar for a drink.

A cold, fizzy beer thrilled my lips more than any part of any male has probably ever done. I finished the beer and it was time to move on to another bar down the street. And everyone there was SO HIP. No, I don’t mean to sound like a sarcastic b*tch, but I just loathe walking into any place where people stare me down because they’re trying to figure out WHO I am. It’s so L.A. and I wish that kind of stuff would just stay in L.A.

After waiting for the bartender to attend to my off the wagon needs for twenty minutes…I was really starting to wonder what all of the fuss was about. All of that ridiculous waiting while the sad looking hippie girl, who undoubtedly thought she was the one who invented dangling earrings, was elbowing me in the boob…it all seemed a little silly for a simple PBR. Read More »

I, like so many others, joined a gym last month. I swear, it had nothing to do with me wanting to hop on the New Years Resolution Band Wagon…it was more about the deals in January targeted toward those people more than anything else.

So now I go to the gym every day. And on Thursdays and Sundays, I belly dance. That’s right. I never saw my self as a belly dancer before, but when I saw these classes were being offered for free at the gym…uh…duh…I had to try it.

I saw a belly dancer once at a party and I thought, “Damn, that looks kinda easy. She shakes her ass and looks mysterious and has a cool outfit.”

I was gravely mistaken. Belly dancing is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Hands down. It’s harder than riding the train hung over, harder than breaking up face to face when you really just wanna send an email, and it’s definitely harder than just shaking your ass and looking mysterious. God, how I wish it were that easy.

The ass and hips, I am learning, have all sorts of muscles. But I’m pretty sure they’ve been set aside for those who belly dance ONLY because I certainly never felt them before. And now I feel them aching…every Friday and Monday. Read More »

So usually, I bring you a recipe or two each week that won’t cut into your tv time and will save that cash of yours to be spent on more important things (like Soko lime shots)

But, when the weekend rolls around and we spend our days hung-over and hungry on the couch, let’s be real, the last thing we are going to do is cook.

Enter… my favorite munchies I’ve discovered that are yummy and healthy(ish)

Better N Peanut Butter: This all natural treat is made out of peanuts, but has only 100 calories and 2.5 grams of fat per serving. While it doesn’t taste exactly like its cousin, PB, it’s close enough, and is a great alternative (also great in smoothies, or when cooking to get that PB flavor without the PB fat)

Trader Joe’s Flax Seed Chips. They look like tortilla chips, they taste even better and they come in different flavors. While they are higher in Calorie (140 per serving), they are full of complex carbs, are all natural and hits the salty-craving spot. Read More »