Chag Samach everyone! And no, that’s not a typo or a drunken slur. It’s how we Jews say “happy holiday” to each other during the high holidays. It’s right up there with our favorite sayings and is only beat out by “daaaddddyyyy” and “what was your Bat Mitzah theme?”

We’re now right in the middle of the Ten Days of Repentance, the week and a half following Rosh Hashanah during which Jews reflect on past sins they’ve committed and ask for forgiveness (kind of like Sunday Confession for you Catholics out there), as well as forgive those who’ve sinned against them (I always have a bit of trouble with this part…like, do I really need to forgive my friend for hooking up with my ex?). These ten days are supposed to prepare us for this weekend’s upcoming holiday, Yom Kippur. Otherwise known in my family as that day where every gets extremely cranky and hostile. Oh and extra bonus: my dad suddenly feels compelled to talk about his decreasing blood sugar every six minutes.

The Deal: Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. It’s the day that we ask God for forgiveness and for a good year ahead. Essentially, Jews believe that God decides on Yom Kippur whether or not the upcoming year will be the best ever, a living nightmare, or something in between. So, in hopes of swaying God’s opinion, we repent. We pray, we atone for our sins, we mourn those lost, and we look forward to a better future. It sounds depressing, I know, but it actually ends on an optimistic note and starts with the Kol Nidre service, which is absolutely gorgeous. We’re not allowed to play instruments, but the singing for this particular service is some of the most beautiful of all of our prayers. Unless your chorus has that token loud singer who insists on overshadowing everyone with her tone deaf voice. Like, you’re not Beyonce. You’re Shira Goldberg, head of the Scarsdale PTA.

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A bag of ranch Doritos, an everything bagel and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food later, you’re lying immobile on the sofa with a bulging belly. Not only do you feel guilty and disgusting, but your breath plain stanks.

Oh girl, you’ve overdone it … again.

In trying times like these (cue the violin), you must ask yourself why you just shoveled those unneeded calories into your mouth. Were you actually hungry? Or were you just bored?

Probably the latter.

Somehow you’ve gotten into the habit of associating free time with eating. You’re done with class and you check the fridge. You take a study break and you pick up a Snickers bar. You go for a drive and and stop for ice cream. Quite a pattern.

Food’s a quick fix, but let’s end the regretful food overdoses for good and fight the boredom with something stimulating.

After tossing the fatty snacks (out of sight, out of mind!), sit down and make a list of all the things you need and want to accomplish in the next month. Hang it somewhere (in plain view!) in your kitchen. The next time you stumble upon a couple of Oreos, the list will be there, staring you in the face. You’ll be forced to reevaluate the situation.

Hungry?

Not really.

Do something on the list instead.

Not only will you get a lot more done on a daily basis (I spend a lot of time grazing in the evenings), but without the constant flow of food throughout the day, your body will drop excess weight quickly. More importantly, you will no longer hate yourself for eating until you empty the pantry.

Easy as pie (that you will not eat when you get bored).

It is really easy to throw caution to the wind and dive headfirst into holiday dinners, cocktails and leftovers (a few hours later.) Unfortunately, it is not so easy to rid your body of the fat and calories the next day. So, instead of letting yourself go crazy for the holidays this year (“But my mom only makes this peanut buttery chocolatey heavenly dessert once a year!”), why not try a little moderation?

Don’t worry; you can still eat some of the chocolatey peanut butter thing.

1. Exercise: Whether it is Christmas dinner, or a plate full of latkes, you know you will be eating something out of the ordinary (and off the charts in terms of calories) this holday season. Prepare in advance by getting a workout in. Most gyms are open – even on Christmas day – so don’t use the holiday as an excuse to take a vacation from fitness. Unless you want everyone to buy you a size up in the clothes on your holiday wish list.

2. Eat Before You Go: Whenever I go to holiday meals I tend to starve myself all day to make room for the scrumptious treats that will be served. That is a good idea in theory, until I find myself taking second and third servings of very unhealthy foods (and feeling horribly guilty/angry at myself later). Don’t go to these meals hungry! Eat a little snack before you go to curb your hunger, that way you can have a little bit of the foods you love without going completely overboard. Read More »

Let it be known that day three of the Master Cleanse really, really blows.

My day started off OK. I woke up in good spirits feeling ready to take on another day without food when I remembered that it was time for my massive morning dosage of salt water. The night before, I had premixed my oral enema and left it next to my bed in the hopes that I would then drink it immediately when I awoke and I would be so out of it that I wouldn’t fully realize what I was doing. And it worked. At least, a third of the way through it, it worked.

After that I was left to choke down the rest, and though it proved to be more effective than yesterday, I came to the conclusion that a belly full of salt water is no way to kick things off. Tomorrow I’ll be entrusting my a.m. colon purge to Chocolate Smooth Moves; because I’m already struggling to find reasons to wake up in the morning without that staring me in the face. Read More »

Basically, I’m hungry and fatigued. And I want to eat bread.

I wake up and I eat matzoh.

Then I go about my daily day (see?! I can’t even think of a better way to say this!) and find something I can eat for lunch (surprisingly difficult even in lower manhattan).

Then I’m cranky at people until dinner, at which point I am tired of trying to think of what to eat and end up having a fudgesicle.

Actually, I think I might be losing weight, but only because eating has become so calculated and joyless that it’s not even worth it.

I mean, this is not a big deal. I can’t have bread. To channel my grandmother for a moment, this should be the worst thing that happens to me. Read More »

I should probably point out that I am crappy Jew and, even in not eating chametz (leavened bread), I’m not actually keeping Kosher for Passover. There are lots of rules that I suck at and am therefore not doing. Think of me as a Secular Jew. That’s probably the nicest possible term.

Anyway, Day 3. I woke up hungry. I ate leftover lox (with nothing else because I am super gross) and drank coffee. Then I went about my daily business.

I didn’t get a chance to eat again until the early afternoon and by then I was starving, I mean like in a dizzy, light-headed kind of way. Usually I can wait a bunch of hours before eating again. But then again, usually I eat bread.

So I had chicken and broccoli for lunch and felt better but still hungry.

Round it off with an apple and I’m doing really great, right? Actually, maybe I’ll lose weight on this after all. Coincidentally, of course.

Buuuuut then I felt hungry and depraved and ate a whole bunch of chocolate. Twice.

Happy Passover. Hand over the bread.

All I want today is a doughnut. A big, sticky, sugary, flaky doughnut.

And I’m f*&cking incensed over it.

All I want to do today is be elbow deep in butter cream frosting and rub it all over my face like war paint, while making Indian battle cries over my victory of gluttony.

And I’m so irate over it, that I cursed my salad for tasting like a f*&cking salad, instead of a cupcake.

No, I’m not about to start my period. I’m just being reminded that my eating has to be conscious in order to not fall back into a period of my life that was unhealthy and dark. A period where I let my mind, stress, and brutal standards for myself take over.

I used to have an eating disorder.

Back then, I would never acknowledge that’s what it was, the words too difficult to even think in my head. I never CALLED what I had a disorder. Instead I used words like hardcore dieting, choosing healthy options, and on the bad days I was having a “Free day“- though most people’s free days didn’t include 4 stops to 4 different fast food chains, followed by 2 boxes of cereal, followed by candy bars, followed by liquor, followed by pastries, followed by immobility. And often followed by vomiting. Read More »

When I miss a meal, I am struck by fatigue and hunger pangs which combine to create an awful mood and severe desperation to eat anything I can get my hands on.

When a Breatharianist misses all three meals, every single day, they don’t flinch.

The last time Michael Werner, a 58-year-old German professor has eaten was six and a half years ago. He survives solely on liquids and sunlight, which he claims provide him with all of the nutrients and energy that he needs.

Sound a lot like starvation or anorexia to you? Yeah, me too.

Despite my intial repulsion, Werner and Breatharianists (also called Light Nutritionists) worldwide claim that their method of life is both natural and healthy.

Michael Werner, a doctor of chemistry, has an average body weight and believes that the key to his unusual diet lies within his mindset. Dr. Werner even goes so far as to claim that those starving in Africa would be able to survive on sun and liquids alone if their minds were not conditioned to believe that they are going to starve without a steady supply of food.

Despite Dr. Werner’s repeated justifications of Breatharianism, I find it hard to believe that millions of starving people in Africa would be frolicking in the sun and carrying on normal lives if they only decided to not be hungry anymore. I’m sure people that have been starving for years have been able to build up some type of mental tolerance against their hunger- and obviously it isn’t keeping them alive. Read More »