Polygamy: because 4 wives is better for ratings than 19 kids.

As I was channel surfing the other day, I paused on TLC to watch an old episode of What Not To Wear. After countless “Umm… no”s, a few “I wish Clinton wasn’t gay”s, and too many moments in the painful-to-watch but wildly-entertaining 360° mirror, the show went to commercial. And before I had a chance to flip back to Teen Mom, across my screen flashed an ad for TLC’s newest reality show: Sister Wives, a show that rethinks “love, marriage, and reality family.”

Yes— if you just clicked on that link, what you saw was correct. TLC (what was formally known as The Learning Channel) will be teaching Americans all about a topic we are just dying to sink our teeth into: Polygamy. Dubbed by many as the real Big Love, the show follows Cody, his 3 wives, 13 kids, and newest fiancé as they all prepare for Cody’s fourth wedding.

Yeah, let that one marinate for a second.
And let us all come together with one big “WTF, TLC?!?”

I’ll be honest, I didn’t think it was possible for TLC to get any more messed up. Growing up, I used to watch A Wedding Story and A Baby Story, tears filling my eyes as I saw how a baby was born or what it took to pull off the perfect wedding. Nowadays, though, I legitimately cannot remember the last time TLC taught me much of anything….besides what it looks like for a happy marriage to go up in (Ed Hardy) flames or when a little person gets a DUI.

Which makes me wonder: what those TLC people are smoking goes on in the TLC boardroom? How do they come up with their stellar frightening TV line up? I don’t know for sure, but I have a feeling there are brownies (yeah, that kind), bean bag chairs and conversations that sound a little like this:

19 Kids and Counting – A small-town family that doesn’t believe in birth control but does believe in a general lack of attention for each individual kid. Every day is like a field trip!

“So, Jon and Kate split up. We’re sorta screwed….”
“Yeah, and the two older girls totally hit their awkward stage.”
“OMG, I know! We can’t sit around and risk the same fate for the other 6. We need a new show. A new family. But we gotta think bigger.”
“We could do a show about fat people.”
“Oh, good call. Get on that. But we need another show with lots of kids. And Less Ed Hardy.”
“Yeah, that one blew up in our faces, right? They seemed so…Christian. We need God-fearing people.”
“Uh, I just saw something on YouTube about a family with, like, 16 kids. All with “J” names.”
[Entire team gets on Google.]
“JEDEDIAH? SOMEONE GET THIS DUGGAR FAMILY ON THE HORN.”

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. A show about women who are pregnant….and don’t know it.

“Dude, remember Rescue 911? And it had all those sweet dramatizations? We need one of those shows.”
“Totally. But it needs to have babies in it. Or little people.”
“Truth. That’s pretty much what we do. OK, how about this? Women having babies.”
“Uh, we did that. It was called ‘A Baby Story.’ Let’s take it up a notch…. I’ve got it! Women having babies in toilets!”
“YES! And in cars.”
“Two words: gold mine.”

Toddlers & Tiaras – Outrageous parents forcing their children to spray tan, tease their hair and tap dance….all before the ripe age of 6.

“OK, team, the big guys up stairs are telling me we have to stop stealing show ideas from The Food Network. What ideas do you have for me today?”
“Does that mean we can’t do another cupcake show?”
“Right. And don’t pitch me ‘Steel Chef’ again either.”
“Alright. So, I was flipping back and forth between the Westminster Dog Show and Rugrats this weekend.”
[Team laughs.]
“Ha. I know. I was totally blazing. Anyways, I was really getting into both of them and I was all, ‘you know what would be better than this? PUTTING THEM TOGETHER.’”
“Yeah, little girls in eyeshadow and press-on nails are HOT.”
[Silence.]
“OK, so that was creepy, but there is an untapped market of creepy old men out there. This could be huge.”

The Little Chocalatiers - It’s a show about little people…who make chocolate.

“So, we need a new food reality show.”
“Another one? We already have ten and you know they are just watered down and annoying versions of Food Network shows….”
“Not like this one. Get this: we can do a show about monkeys that make chocolate while training to go into space. The anti-gravity chamber makes it way more delicious and gives the chocolate a lighter flavor, and then…”[Receives awkward stares. Composes himself.]
“OK, fine. How about little people who make chocolate?”
“Can we dip them in chocolate for the promos?”
“Of course!”
[Table erupts in cheers.]

Now, almost a year out of college, I would say 99% of my day is regimented, scheduled, planned, organized, and color-coded on my Google Calendar. I know people in the army who have more flexible schedules than me (and by people in the army I’m referring to the Disney channel documentary, Cadet Kelly).

I wake up at 7:45, press snooze exactly 3 times, look at myself in the mirror and debate if I need to shower, turn on the light and realize that I without a doubt need to shower, blow-dry my hair while praying that one day it will dry stick-straight, walk to work, step in front of a bus and make a bet with myself if it will stop before hitting me, work, go home, watch reruns, eat dinner, squeeze fat rolls and blame my birth control, eat stale Valentine’s Day candy sent by my mom, try to convince my roommates to get a dog (Shar, back me up here), go to bed, have a bad dream about getting hit by a bus.

With the exception of my Valentine’s Day candy getting progressively staler, every single day is exactly the same. And if I assume that I’m not starring in a ‘Groundhog Day’ remake (bold assumption, I know), then I can also assume I’ll spend the next 97 years of my life repeating this same conversation over and over again.

At this point I’m considering having a baby just to break up the monotony. Not only will I finally get to fulfill my fantasy to shop in Pea-in-a-Pod, but I’ll also get to steal all my sister’s attention at her upcoming graduation. And if I time everything just right and spin a good enough story, I might just get featured on TV’s most uplifting show “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” Hey, a girl can dream!

But having a baby means having a boyfriend. And since text messages can’t get you pregnant in the blue states, I’m plum out of luck. So I’m on to my back-up plan to bring back spontaneity into my life: never say no to anything ever again. Well maybe sometimes I’ll say no. I don’t want my life to turn into a half-ass trailer for the ‘Yes Man’ sequel. (However I do want my life to turn into a non-stop running list of movies, so expect at least 9 more to be mentioned before this blog ends.)

From here on out expect my blog to turn into a live action version of ‘The Bucket List.’ Who knows what wacky adventures I’ll get into when I say yes to everyone from the gypsy cabs (uh oh! death city) or the girl in the bar bathroom offering me coke (watch out, Lohan) or my roommate asking me if she can get me something while she’s out (um, a summer wardrobe and groceries for the week. k. thx).

How could a day of TV lead to pregnancy, you ask?
It can’t. I mean, I guess it could if someone else was under that blanket with me…and we were watching porn, but I was alone.

And I was watching TLC’s, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

This show is not new, but it was my first time watching. And unfortunately for me, there were quite a few episodes on back to back. And I was too lazy/scared stiff to change the channel.

The premise of the show is simple (and pretty obvious from the title): real women who did not know they were pregnant have babies. Sometimes in toilets.

While the dramatizations are hilarious (seriously, where do they find these actors?), the actual events are not. Nor is the fact that there are enough women in the world dealing with this to turn it into an actual series. And did I mention that one woman pulled down her leggings to find a baby hanging out in there?

OMG it’s terrifying.

But much like the train wreck that was the 2 hour premier of Jersey Shore, I couldn’t look away. Hours passed and there I was, clutching my stomach, watching women have surprise babies. By the end of the day, I was crying, my stomach was hurting, and I was craving potato chips. Naturally, I convinced myself I was with child.

I barely slept that night, visions of shoving a baby into my teeny dorm room flooding my mind. When I finally gave up on sleep at 7am on Sunday morning, I ran to CVS. I grabbed the 3-pack of tests (one wass not enough seeing as many of these women took a test and it came back negative), a bag of chips (because my pregnant hormones wouldn’t rest without some salt) and a bottle of wine.

“Wait… baby can’t have wine,” I thought to myself. I put the bottle down, grabbed some natural fruit juice instead, ignored the judgey look from the cashier and ran home.

The good news is, assuming I did everything right, there are no buns in this oven. Or hands. Or feet.
The bad news is there is a giant bag of chips in there. And I have to come up with another way to explain the 10 pound weight gain these past 3 months. And I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to have sex again.

Thanks, TLC.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are still some shows I’ll watch.  After all, I am a self-diagnosed What Not to Wear addict, and, like many other College Candy writers, I adore Jon & Kate Plus 8.  Not to mention I now dress up while grocery shopping, all because of Take Home Chef, Curtis Stone.  This sexy Aussie can ambush me and make me dinner anytime.

But, it ends there.  Lately, I can’t even watch show previews on TLC, because even they freak me out.  The Learning Channel either needs an overhaul (starting with this guy), or a new name.  Our suggestion: The Scary Channel (dun dun dun).

Now TLC, I do have to thank you for one thing.  Some of your shows are cheap birth control.  I mean, 18 Kids and Counting makes me want to join a convent and never have sex again!  While I adore Jon & Kate Plus 8, you should have stopped there, because the multiple birth/Brangelina’s competition shows now take up the majority of your scheduling time.

But then we have the pedophile’s wet dream, Toddlers & Tiaras. There is nothing scarier than a mom reliving her youth by putting lipstick on a 2-year-old. Yes I know these pageant moms exist, but I don’t want to see their doll-like children paraded around on screen. Doing sexy poses. In bikinis. (I feel icky.)

Then we have the medical mystery shows which really freak me out.  First, there’s the My Shocking Story series, featuring the half-man, half-tree; then there’s the multitude of Half-ton (insert descriptor) shows.  And let us not forget the show, “Woman With Half a Body.” Interesting? Yes. While I ate dinner? No thanks.

The scariest of all – and the one making me reconsider my cable package – is April’s all new, “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant” series. Seriously? WTF, TLC? Why?