In case you don’t watch any of VH1’s reality shows, after doing everything (and I do mean everything) including getting her ass kicked by a past contestant to try to win Bret Michaels’s affection; Daisy was totally denied and had her little heart crushed on national TV.  Now, Daisy gets a “real” shot at love, and she’s the one with the passes in her hand this time! Bret Michaels who?

With a few seasons of VH1 reality shows under my belt, I can’t say that I didn’t see this one coming. Daisy was the same type of possessive, clingy, addicted girl as New York.  She spent most of her time on Rock of Love 2 either having sex with Bret Michaels, like New York with Flav, or crying over Bret Michaels, like New York with Flav. It was only right that she too got her own show — just like New York.

I hate to be negative, but I don’t believe one single person has found their true love through reality shows, and I’m starting to wonder if they ever really intend to. I don’t foresee Daisy’s relationship lasting after the season finale.

I do, however, foresee her show being packed with the same over-dramatic, drunk, sex-induced insanity that all the VH1 reality shows provide (thus why I adore them!).  If you loved Daisy on Rock of Love 2 or are just plain interested in getting on TV, they are doing casting on the internet.

You still have plenty of time to be a part of the VH1 madness and/or Daisy’s lover.

Ms. Hudson is about to become Mrs. Jennifer Hudson Otunga! (She’s engaged, for everyone who missed that.)

There is nothing quite like being in love, so we are so happy for our pal, Jennifer. Her husband-to-be, David Otunga is hot, smart (a Harvard Law School grad) and has some fine taste in engagement rings. His previous taste in women is a tad questionable (I Love New York? Really?!), but he has clearly learned from his mistakes and traded up to the beautiful, talented Jennifer Hudson.

This woman proves that you can really have it all: looks, talent, a successful career and a worthwhile relationship (even if guy happened to be on one of the worst reality shows…ever).

You go girl.

Yet, knowing all of that, I am still really embarrassed to have watched the trash also known as, I Love Money.

This show is trashier than The Real World, I Love New York and From G’s to Gents (yes, I have watched one episode of that train wreck) combined. I mean, seriously? Is VH1 for real with this show? There are just a bunch of REALLY dumb, really trashy people living in a house together…and having sex with other people in the room. And the names? Whiteboy? The Entertainer? DESTINEY?

I don’t know if I am watching TV or visiting a strip club.

I am not quite sure of the premise of the show, but I assume it is for all these freaks to try and win some money. And on last night’s episode, that somehow included making themselves cry with the aid of onions, cayenne pepper (that some moron RUBBED INTO HER EYES) and even some girl asking a dude to smack her in the face while her teammate tried (so hard) to be upset that she was away from her son.

Yeah. Seriously.

The Gold team ended up winning the tearjerker, which sent the Green team into a hizzy. I guess they lose a lot? I felt bad for them, especially that dude who has like no nose hairs left because he plucked them all out attempting to tear up.

So, after the competition everyone decides to get completely sh*tfaced and dance around topless throwing food at one another. Meanwhile, some dude is trying to save Destiney (cuz the whole team hates her), but gets mad cuz his brilliant plan doesn’t work.

The Gold captain (Paymaster?) now has some sort of power to take three people out and figure out which one she wants to save. (Note: choosing someone to leave is also called being “bounced.” Like a check? Get it? How cute!) And in attempts to stay in the game, some blonde chick with big boobs tries to make out with her. Toasty (what does that name even mean?) and the three people chosen by the Green team (Destiney, Real and Brandi C.) head out to the beach and go snorkeling.

And there are sharks. But I don’t care about that. I need to know: WHO IS GONNA STAY??? (Notice the sarcasm.)

There is some talking and then Real gets some one-on-one time with Toasty. The conversation did nothing except make me wonder if there is something wrong with that girl. Like, mentally. Is she slow?

Ok, so (finally!) after a load of wasted time watching people fight and stupid commercials, we find out that it’s time for Destiney to bounce. Goodbyyyyyye, Destiney!

And with that, I hate myself. I want that hour of my life back. I want my dignity back. I want everyone at the gym to know that I was only watching that show for work. NOT for pleasure.

Never again. Never.

Let me just comment on a few of the wonderful tidbits of the season premier that reassured viewers that this will be reality at its finest:

Twelve-Pack and Heather. So, Rock of Love’s no.1 craziest bitch is going to get it on with the speedo, spandex wearing drunk who, despite from his abs, is about one tap dance away from being the most sexually confused man on television.

Brandi C. You spray painted your dog pink. PINK. You are not Paris Hilton honey and even she hasn’t stooped to that level yet.

Destiny and The Entertainer???? I don’t know if you watched previews for the season, but it looks like our favorite Bret Michaels groupie shacks up with the oldest pizza delivery boy! This I gotta see.

Megan. Yes, you’re hot as hell from the neck down sweetheart, but please put some clothes on. Have you ever heard less is more?

Hoops. This girl I actually really like. She’s tough, athletic and seems to be smart. However, why introduce us to your live-in boyfriend on the pre-show, only to seemingly play him for “real” this season?

Mr. Boston. A part of me feels bad for this guy; he gets picked on for being the token white, nerdy kid and I think he’s actually just trying to fit in, in some sick, twisted, wear a man-thong around the house all day, sort of way.

Pumkin. ‘Nuff said. Love this bitch. Can’t wait to see the dramazzzz.

Midget Mac. Watching him not get picked made me feel like I was in the school playground, last to get picked for dodgeball again. Maybe they didn’t like him in a speedo? or his attitude perhaps? Your girl is pregnant dude, go home and be responsible.

Toastee. Who wants to put money down that her and someone on the show make a porno? I got 50 bucks on it.

Whether it’s more men in speedos, cat fights or some nooky nooky, we’re all guaranteed to have a good time tuning in every week to this Reality Razzie Award Winner.

Tune in next week when I Love Money takes trashiness to a whole new level (and I recap it in all it’s horrible, horrible glory).

How do I know? Because I’m really, really looking forward to this.

Yes, you understood that video correctly–there is going to be a show in which reality “stars” from Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York compete for cash (specifically, $250,000). And not the actual stars. It’s going to be the doofuses (doofii?) who competed for the lame stars’ hearts. (Note: New York is not lame. New York is a marvel of nature whose delightful bizarreness I will love for always. Just so’s ya know.)

Annnnyway, let’s take a look at the cast, shall we?

Brandi C. from Rock of Love

That weird blonde chick from the first season who kept calling Bret her boyfriend is back for the moolah. Having tried porn after she got off the show (frankly, not surprising), she was ready to jump back on the screen and into our hearts. Wait, did I say hearts? I meant nightmares.

The Entertainer from I Love New York

The crazo who got kicked off the show for living with his parents is back for more. This guy was pretty freaking crazy–there was an episode where he was convinced the house was haunted, so he wouldn’t take off his construction helmet. And I mean; what those two wacko things even have to do with one another I do not know.

Hoopz from Flavor of Love

The first ever (of three, but still) winner of FOL is back to kick some butt. She always seemed kind of dumb to me (and I was pissed when she beat New York [have I mentioned I really like New York?]) but maybe she’ll actually keep the prize this time…

Midget Mac from I Love New York

Yeah, he never had a chance before, but maybe he’ll win this one! MM is a wacky lil’ guy (I can say that! I’m under 5′ myself!), but he’s actually pretty lovable. I hope he wins it for his kids.

Megan from Rock of Love

And *ahem* Beauty and the Geek. Lame. Megan is like my least favorite of all of these people. Not only does she appear to be an idiot, but she also appears to be vindictive, like when she took what’s-her-face’s note off Bret’s door and then copied the idea and lied about the whole thing. She totally sucks, and is totally NOT as cute as she seems to think. Therefore, I hope she gets kicked off first.

Nibblz from Flavor of Love

I actually had to look this one up. And then, unfortunately, I remembered. Nibblz is the bisexual stripper who showed Flav’s friends her boob. Also, she was gross and has a weird lisp. But, okay, good luck, Nibblz. Let’s see what you got.

Real from I Love New York

Real was third place on season 1. He was Chance’s brother (who New York obviously should have chosen–I’m sure, New York! But I’m glad you ended up with Tailor Made after season 2!) and actually seemed almost like a normal person. For this reason, I doubt he’ll last long, but, still, gotta root for the nice guy.

Chance from I Love New York

Like I said, shoulda won season 1! But, whatever. Chance should be awesome on this show. He’s got a weird attitude and temper, but he’s actually really funny, which is appealing in a sea of bland reality-show-wannabes. Plus I think he’ll put it into his music with Real, which is just fun and cool. Come on, Chance!

12 Pack from I Love New York

The male stripper who drank more than everyone combined and who then went off and started a touring party boy thing with Heat (his lover? just speculation on my part) is back. His face is nice, but personally, I find his freako muscles really frightening. But, you know, except for the frat boy machismo thing, he was pretty enjoyable to watch. Here’s to hoping he will be again.

Heat from I Love New York

I thought Heat was really hot (no pun intended), but it turned out he kind of had no personality. Maybe his function is this show is to make out with 12 Pack and set the show on its head when they all fight about whether or not that makes them gay.

Destiny from Rock of Love

She was kind of a groupie with a bad attitude, but, then again, her dad was very ill, so I’m going to give her a little bit of a pass and try to see her with fresh eyes this time around. Maybe she’ll throw a drink in someone’s face again. That was kind of funny.

Heather from Rock of Love

I don’t know why, but Heather was kind of the breakout star of ROL. I mean, at first she seemed like a manbot junkie for Lacey, but then she realized Lacey was evil and kind of had a righteous moment. I don’t know. I’m conflicted. But everyone else seems to love her, and she is kind of tough as sh*t, so maybe she’ll be cool.

Mr. Boston from I Love New York

He’s a gross nose-picking geek with the worst voice you can imagine (no, even worse), but New York really liked him for a while. I don’t like him, but I appreciate that he’s not a complete idiot. Maybe he’ll finally triumph. However, in the meantime, I’ll be needing earplugs.

Pumkin from Flavor of Love

Pumkin is so wild she got kicked off of Charm School for being slutty. She spit on New York (boooo), but she’s pretty funny, so I’m excited to see her back again. I mean, yeah, she’s gross, but she’s amusing. So bring it, Pumkin–let’s go!

Rodeo from Rock of Love

She’s the 85-year-old who honestly thought Bret would pick her (hint: he ended up picking a 19-year-old…so…yeah). Okay, she’s not 85, but she’s got to be in her 40s, yes? What is she doing on reality TV?! While I’m tempted to say, “get a life, lady,” Rodeo actually didn’t completely suck. Although it is weird that her name is Rodeo. Also, she’s nuts. But, meh. I’ll give ‘er a go.

Whiteboy from I Love New York

He was pretty boring, but maybe he’ll suck less here. I guess he had kind of a stoic thing going. I just can’t imagine him competing very hard. Hell, I can’t imagine him doing much. Because he’s boring.

And last, but certainly not least,

Tastee from Flavor of Love

Yeaaaah, boiiiii!!!! Tastee! Too slutty for Flav! And that’s saying something! She got kicked off for being a porn star. And she seemed so tiny and quiet! And yet somehow completely untrustworthy…didn’t she cause a fight or something? I forget. Anyway, Tastee! Psyched to have you back!

I know this is going to be the worst show ever. But I also know that I will watch it. And I know many, many other people will as well. And that’s how I know society as a whole has failed.

Thoughts?!

[Image courtesy of http://mbmfiles.com/]

You know how the first two seasons of Flavor of Love went down. Hoopz never wanted to be with Flav, never called him after the finale was shot. Delishis has gone on to sell jeans, record an album and she’s married to some dude now.

Flav opens the first episode blaming Delishis for needing a season three and a last VH1 chance at “finding love” when the truth is that Flav wanted a third season. Enjoy this one, y’all; Flav “ain’t doing this again” because VH1 is NOT funding another Flav show once this one wraps.

Let’s get started.

Twenty girls stand outside of the mansion as what appears to be a Presidential Motorcade approaches. Looks like VH1 has stepped up the budget to send Flav out with a bang. So what is the “President of Love” looking for in a woman? In his hope that this season has brought him a different bunch of women, Flav reveals that respect is the key to his heart. Respect for his kids, his crib and for him.

And then we see the free-for-all of screams, bed jumping, and elephant riding (you have to see it to get it) once the contestants enter the house. Oh, God, just name this trashy bunch already and get to it.

Poor Big Rick is back and he herds them all into the room where Flav awaits with nametags and markers. There is a twist for this season – the girls get to choose their own names. It’s Flav’s way of empowering them, yet throughout Flav really just ‘empowers’ himself whenever he doesn’t like what the girls have chosen.

Like there aren’t a bunch of 22 year old interns who randomly choose names during brainstorming sessions. I could offer some names; my friends and I have totally assigned Flav namez to each other.

Anyway, the names are as follows:

Sinceer. Ginormous forehead.

Bunz

Ice. She wanted to be called Vanilla; Flav liked Ice.

Bee-Ex. I can’t even tell you how she got this name, but she certainly didn’t choose it for herself.

Seezinz

El. Totally screwed on the name game here.

Prancer. She chose Vixen. I don’t see why Vixen couldn’t stick.

Tik. She likes the clocks. Flav declares, “She has the buns of a solar eclipse.”

Shy. Flav thought it was appropriate to call her something that she wasn’t. Riiight.

Oh, God. Twins. How? Why? Thing 1 & 2 are their names because someone loves “The Cat in the Hat.”

Q-Tee

St. Lewis

Hotlanta

Grayvee

Rayna

Dymz

Shore-Tee. Flav appropriately described her as having a large under bite. “She wasn’t sexy, but she was short.” Indeed.

Peechee. Also decidedly unsexy. She looks like Kathy Najimi and she’s from the Valley and totally out of place. I want her to stay.

Savanna

Myammee. Her forehead totally tops Sinceer’s. Sevenhead.

My spell check has miraculously not exploded.

The last four or five were chosen by the fans and Flav is clearly displeased with what came out of the internet. Not everyone can have an ass like Dymz. Get over it.

After the naming ceremony, everyone moves onto the mixer where Flav gets to learn about the girls behind the names (Namez?).

It’s pretty boring. Shy already needs to shut up. Vanilla Ice admits to being a radio personality in Detroit and totally ruined everything for herself by saying that she wasn’t sure why she was there. Dymz is studying criminal justice and Flav doesn’t want “fedz in the bedz” – so that’s another one who’s out.

Thing 1 & 2 say that they’ve never participated in a threesome. Good. Don’t start now, okay? Thanks.

Hotlanta and El share Flav time and I hope that they fight so that it will cut through the boredom. This was way more fun to watch the first two seasons.

There’s not fight and we then meet Bunz, who comes out all freak with her freakiness. Toys, girls, animals. I’m lying about animals. Toys are not a big deal, Bunz, get over your not so freaky self.

I’ve decided that Shy wants to be New York. Shut UP, Shy.

The ladies who aren’t with Flav start talking about knowing what they are getting into with Flav and ten kids and then everyone gets loud and I don’t know what’s going on.

I’m bored until Peechee and Savanna tag team Flav and squeeze onto the couch with him. No one has anything to say, they just smile stupidly at a flattened Flav. Prancer saves him from the atomic couch wedgie. Those two are definitely not staying around after tonight.

The girls keep touching Flav’s face and he HATES it. Like I think that he’s going to start smacking hands away and I hope that it happens so that I have something interesting to watch. Please move onto eliminations now.

Shy hates Bee-Ex and tells Flav about it in private. You’ve known her for eight minutes. Calm the eff down; you are NOT New York. Flav brings in Bee-Ex – apparently, this is all about how Bee- Ex doesn’t want kids but she has two sons at home. Did you follow that? If not, don’t worry, it really doesn’t matter.

Grayvee sums up the girls pretty neatly by calling them “Classless hoes.”

Elimination time! Flav descends the stairs looking clownish even for Flav. Is that a faux leopard cape? Did it come with the house? It matches the upstairs carpet; I think that it was the throw rug in his bedroom.

Since I have no attachment to anyone except for Valley Girl Peechee, I don’t care about who’s staying. You know that shit-stirring Shy had to stay because the producers said so. And of course the Twinz had to be kept around so that Flav could pretend that he’ll have another TV threesome (see season one with Hoopz and Pumkin in the shower. Or don’t. It’s gross).

The losers for the evening are:

Short-Tee and her massive under bite

Savanna

Q-Tee

Dymz (because of the criminal justice studies)

Peechee. Her real name is Crista and she’s okay with being eliminated because “God has a purpose for me.” And her name is Crista. I hope that her parents are named Mary and Joe.

Four of the five going home were the internet fan choices. The fans rock, I don’t care about what Flav wants. Peechee would have been awesome in that house.

This season, Flav is trying to step up the class and nothing says class like bringing your ladiez to the most romantical place. Meaning instead of shutting down KFC for a date, Bob’s Big Boy might get a visit. Oh, and “I will f*ck you up with these stretch marks” = “more class up in the crib.”

I have no early predictions. This is already a steaming mess.

Maybe it’s because we have other fantastic outlets to judge people, such as, say, Rock of Love, I Love New York, and the classic and oh-so-classy Flavor of Love (I’m detecting a “love” theme here, VH1).

Unpredictability is what sells, any idiot can see that. So in order to boost ratings, TLC made its own reality show about this year’s Miss America contestents, Miss America: Reality Check, which shows us that shockingly, some of these girls aren’t so bright.

I mean, that’s surprising, right? A not smart hot girl. Wow. And isn’t it just a little humorous that they can’t even bother to be creative with a title to try and pull viewers?

Reality Check is a little too formulaic for the typical American audience. We get it already. 50 Barbies prance around in eveningwear and bikinis, trying to show us that their baton-twirling or vocal stylings can change the world. They get narrowed down, the 4 prettiest, blondest Southern girls stay on and Texas always wins. Those of us who live in the North ponder what our lives could have been had we been born to drawl and drink sweet tea, and then quickly remember that it’s kind of like a foreign country and snap out of it.

This year’s winner was Miss Michigan, Kristen Haglund. That’s really the only thing I heard and remotely cared about. Finally, some good representation from the mitten… or is it?

I’m sure Miss Haglund is decent at life, and I like the idea of the midwest producing normal, pretty people, but come on. There are hot girls everywhere. It’s not like she’s curing cancer. She just happened to convince the same ten judges that she was the hottest of fifty people.

Can’t we set this thing up in the form of a job interview? Because really, that’s what it is, or at least what it’s supposed to be. A year-long “job” of hyping charities and wearing pantsuits. Maybe, instead of suggesting to the youth of America that looks are key to being successful, we could (gasp) show how hard work and intelligence are what actually pay off.

If not intelligence, then innovation, creativity, anything at all? Instead of, say, commenting that had Miss Iowa hit the gym a few more times, she’d have dominated in swimwear?

Personally, I think we’d all benefit more from a VH1 reality show that has nothing to do with love, or scantily clad girls at all:

Best Week Ever marathon, anyone?

I Love New York.

No, I am not talking about the VH1 show, or the person (really, who is named New York?), but rather, I love New York City. The diversity, the nightlife, the arts, the shopping- NYC is the ideal city… if you’re crapping out money, that is.

A cozy apartment, dinners at the trendiest restaurants and of course, as many Manolo’s and Jimmy Choo’s that will fit into my apartment. If that was life as a journalist for Carrie Bradshaw, then surely, my life couldn’t be much different. My biggest challenge would obviously be learning how to run down 5th avenue in heels or pull off that black bra/white shirt combo that she made look so effortlessly cool.

Just when I was about to boycott Sarah Jessica Parker for giving me false hopes, Urban Hostess looks like it can make my dream a reality.

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To put it simply- Brokers are eager to screw over those who don’t know the first thing about NY real estate. Urban Hostess gets rid of that possibility by creating an environment where Brokers are literally competing for your business and keeping your best interests at heart.

Urbanhostess.com provides you with everything you need to know about looking for a place in New York. From a virtual neighborhood guide, to finding a broker, to average neighborhood prices, Urban Hostess helps to empower Y-O-U.

And even better, if you click here, you will save 20% (yes, you read that right!) just because you are a CC reader (which, clearly, makes you fabulous).

Thanks to Urban Hostess, you can save that extra money towards your first pair of Manolo’s (or on more Ramen Noodles- whatever you so choose).