“Can I share with you my worldview? All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.” –  Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

And that is exactly what I plan to do on this day, National Sandwich Day. Sit in peace and eat my go-to sandwich: the T.B.M sandwich from Cosi. With only a mere three ingredients, this sandwich somehow speaks to my soul and brightens even the darkest of days (no thanks to you, Daylight Savings Time.) If this sandwich was a man, I’d be rolling around in bed with it right now. Hell, maybe I’ll do it anyway.

My love of sandwiches and my love of men run almost parallel to each other on the mathematical graph of my life, intersecting only at the moment someone lets me eat a sandwich and have sex at the same time. That’s the stuff dreams are made of. And until that time comes, I’ve thought up a few sandwich ideas that bring my two weaknesses together.

The “I Love You, Sandwich” Sandwich: A piece of Paul Rudd in between two slices of Jason Segel with a side of honey mustard. Paul is the tried-and-true turkey to Jason’s hesitant-at-first-but-turns-out-to-be-a-party-in-my-mouth avocado. Unstoppable.

Ocean’s 11-Grain Sandwich: George Clooney and Brad Pitt lying neatly between two pieces of multi-grain bread. Let’s face it. George is getting old, bound to be a little gritty. But Brad balances out the sandwich with his smooth and creamy loins texture. Add a little Matt Damon on top for a little extra pop of flavor.

The Knocked-Up Fat Cat: A large submarine sandwich filled with ingredients such as, but not limited to: French fries, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, jalapeño poppers, pizza bites, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. Because who doesn’t get the munchies from time to time? Maybe you can cut it with the Samurai sword you keep in your room.

The Guilty Pleasure Open-Face Melt: Because there’s nothing I like more than Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick and whole wheel of cheese.  As much as you would like to just say no in the face of temptation, I’d like to see anyone deny these Gossip Girl stars…. especially if they’re covered in gooey, melted, cheesy goodness.

The Sloppy Jack: Grade-A man meat Jack Black is a hot mess. But we love him anyway. It’s obviously going to splatter all over the crotch of your pants, but no one ever cries over spilt Jack Black. I want my Manwich, please!

I Love You, Man was funny (duh).  It made me laugh till I peed a little and also reaffirmed my love for Jason Segel. Any man who can make fun of man Uggs but still pull them off gets bumped up on my list. For real. (P.S. Jason, I’m a NJG (Nice Jewish Girl); call me. My mom makes a mean matzo ball soup. True story.)

But anyways, I digress. More than Paul Rudd’s perfect delivery of awkwardness, my major crush on Jason Segel, and the screenplay stealing words right out own personal daily vernacular (hellllllo, I’ve been saying Totes Magotes since I came out of the womb… not that I am proud of it), there was actually something thought provoking about this movie (and, no, I’m not talking about the genius that was the random made up words… Jobin? Hilarious).

What I realized was that this movie would NEVER fly if the tables were turned.

Why is it that a man can be a ‘girlfriend’ guy without ANY friends of his own and not only is it so acceptable that  we can turn it into a movie that makes you pee in your pants, but also leaves women everywhere thinking, “Aw, how cute, I wish I had a fiancé JUST like Paul Rudd”? Fact is, if it was about some chick who just always happened to be a ‘boyfriend’ girl with no girlfriends or a maid of honor, guys would say she’s batsh*t insane and girls wouldn’t feel sorry for her. We would go around saying she pushed us all away and alienated herself  by being so clingy with her boyfriend that she even chose to see the SATC movie with him over us. Ruuude.

We’ve talked about it right here on this very site:
Single Girl has tons of friends.
Girl gets boyfriend.
Girl and boyfriend spend every minute together, start dressing alike and talking to each other in puppy love speak (vomit).
Boy learn what Manolo’s are.
Girl no longer has any friends.
Girl gets engaged and no one feels sorry that she has no friends left.

So why is it with a dude it all of a sudden becomes a perfect topic for funnyman fodder?  I’ve seen the real man version of Paul Rudd’s character and it really isn’t that funny or sweet; it’s actually sort of pathetic. But in this case I’m supposed to root for him and feel sorry for him and believe that he can make a guy best friend in like 2 hours who thinks he is a super cool at not at all awkward dude? Come on.

Don’t get me wrong – I peed my pants and aw’ed my way through this entire movie (and really, really fell in love with Mr. Segel-Ugg-man) but I did sorta feel like a hypocrite while I did so.

If this movie was about your ex-best friend, who is now your ex-BFF because she gave up her weekly mani-pedi session with you to cuddle with her boy, you wouldn’t be lining up to see the flick and readily quoting one-liners from it on your Facebook status as we speak. You’d be talking sh*t about her to your other friends and venting to anyone who will listen that you would never ditch your friends for a dude.

You know I’m right.
Totes magotes.

1) Trader Joes Chicken Lime Burgers. These bad boys are my new obsession. 150 calories, 19 g of protein, all natural, and SO quick to cook. A great way to change up your veggie burger routine, or a great snack in between classes that will keep you full (unlike that 100 Cal Pack obsession of yours which leaves you hungry .4 seconds after you finish it).

2) I live in Chicago. Where it is always cold. And snowy. And my eyes water and then freeze leaving icicles on my eyelashes. True story. But yesterday it was 65 degrees! I couldn’t help but think: Spring! Summer! Bathing Suits! So while I am not going on Spring Break, I did find an adorable bathing suit from Gap (yes, Gap!) that I can’t wait to wear…when the snow melts and I don’t have to wear ear muffs everywhere. Bonus: it comes in a two-piece AND one piece option (for those of us who don’t feel comfortable letting those pizza-and-beer-nights show…).

3) Essie’s new “One of a Kind” Spring 2009 Nail color. It’s a reddish orange that screams trendy, but not over the top. Funky and, you know, cooool. Oh and bright (and by bright I mean that perfect balance of bright enough for spring, but not too bright for March).

4) American Apparel Deep V neck shirt. You may already know about this gift from AA heaven. It’s the perfect balance of casual t-shirt and sexy top with the cleavage-y deep V. And it’s comfy enough that it feels like sweats. And when cute, affordable, and sexy-ish clothes are also COMFY? That is worth a whole lot of love.

5) Jason Segel. Seriously. Love him. As in, he is my ideal man. As in, even though I don’t think I want children, I would have his because I would be guaranteed that my offspring would make me laugh. So I am pumped for I Love You, Man to hit theaters next weekend. Because if Forgetting Sarah Marshall tells us anything it’s that I’m guaranteed to laugh until I pee, which is always Love-List worthy. Oh and there is full frontal nudity. Enough said.