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“I’m trying to be the man of her dreams.  That’s why I got this tattoo – to be someone.”  And so began Kasey’s downward spiral on the latest episode of The Bachelorette, which was, without a doubt, the most entertaining part of last night’s episode.  The crem de la crem, of course, was Kasey standing all alone on a glacier in a snow suit with snow whipping in his face, waving at Ali as her helicoptor whisked her and the Wrestler away. It was so awkward, so sad. And I couldn’t even take stock of the moment (read: laugh/celebrate) because I was scared someone was going to forget about him. I was just waiting for the 11 o’clock news to tell me that a frozen body, wrapped in a fake Burberry pashmina, had been discovered on an Icelandic glacier.

And then some other things happened…

Am I the only one who was a little bored with this week’s plotlines?  Paying attention for two hours was an ambitious feat for my attention span, not to mention that the Chris Harrison cameos were few and far between.

Since we’re probably all thinking the same things (there wasn’t much to think about, after all), I’m going to break my commentary down into two simple categories:

More Real Than Someone Who Refers to Himself as Rated-R Standing on a Street Corner Begging for Attention

-Frank admitting he’s written a lot of poems in his day.  Aw, of course he has.  And I bet those silly thick-rim glasses make his poems all the more epic.  What happened to the fun Frank we knew (and I loved) who looked hot for five minutes on the set of the Barenaked Ladies video?  Bring him back.

-Kasey having “frozen lips” during his poetry reading.  The mystery of the mumble continues.  Anyone have an idea as to why he speaks like the teacher from Charlie Brown?  The subtitles did help, though.

-The look on Ali’s face as Kirk was telling her about his…uh, ailment.  It was the blankest of stares, and yet I knew exactly what she was thinking, “Ohmigod I kissed this guy.  Is he going to tell me I need a vaccination now?  Did I catch some creepy disease?  F*ck.”

-Ali asking Roberto if he would ever approach her on the street/ in a non-televised setting.  She then proceeded to tell him, “You’re too hot for me.”  It is the self-doubt that has plagued even the most glamorous of glamazons.  What do you do when “your type” personified walks into your life and *gasp!* might actually seem to like you?  You come up with excuses as to why you must be misinterpreting his signals.  Welcome to the club, Ali.

Faker than Ali’s Smile During the Revelation of Kasey’s Guarded Heart Tattoo

-Chris L.’s inability to ride a horse.  I refuse to believe it.  He’s too cute to be bad at anything.  I’m now putting my fingers in my ears in case anyone tries to argue with me. Lalalalala!

-Craig R.’s faux Kasey-inspired tat.  It was a really funny, and thank God non-permanent, move.  It was good to see this guy has a sense of humor… and you know that totally saved his ass at rose time.

-Chris N. being a jokester .  First of all, he’s barely been shown all season, leaving us all scratching our heads when Ali kept giving him roses. (Editor’s Note: To be fair, he was up against the Weatherman….) When we finally do see him, the dude’s got, like, less than zero personality.  Second, I would like to discuss his awkwardness during the rose ceremony.  At first I was confused, but then I think I figured out why he was so empty behind the eyes and unblinking.  He’s a narcoleptic.  That’s got to be it- he was sleeping with his eyes open during the entire thing.  I bet Chris Harrison swooped in, saving the day as he typically does, and nudged the guy awake in time to receive Ali’s goodbye hug.  Then he fell into a deep slumber during the limo ride home.

As always, if there’s something I’ve forgotten or a point you disagree with, leave your comments below.  I’m really excited to see what happens next week in Turkey with the supposed “one of these guys has a girlfriend” plot line.  Who do we think it is?

….and no I did not pause my TV during the scenes to try and figure out who’s body type matched that of the gray-sweatered cheating bastard running from the room. Who does that?

Yup.  Go ahead.  Bid away.

This guy has been collecting penii for 24 years. It started out as a casual hobby–you know, like stamp collecting–and at some point he got the idea to share his love with the world via a weirdass museum in an Icelandic fishing village.

FACT: When the dude began his penis collection, he was working as a school administrator.

FACT: That fact makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Anyway, so far he only has animal weewees (largest: sperm whale [how apropos], smallest: hamster [you need a microscope to see it; sounds like my exboyfriend]). However, four human men have now offered to hand in theirs when they retire to the big penis museum in the sky. Naturally, one of these men is an American, and, naturally, he’s nicknamed his man hooha “Elmo,” which is just so charming.

So when you go to Iceland to check out this museum (which you are likely to do: apparently 60% of the visitors are women), you don’t have to worry because it’s really easy to find. According to the article, the “entrance marked by a tall brown phallus near the door and a penis-shaped sign over the front porch.” Classy.

I can’t wait to go.

Before I leave you to mull all of this over (and frankly, I think this needs a lot of mulling…and a lot of xanax), allow me to give you one final image: some of the penii are “dried and mounted on the wall.”

Lesson learned: don’t have sex with a hamster. At least not knowingly.