Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com. OR ELSE.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve always admired that you don’t hold back with your advice.  I can tell by reading your columns that you are strong, thoughtful, unafraid, and independent.  These are all things that I can be, that I consider myself to be – but sometimes, it feels like all that my independence and strength is really getting me is a lot of pain.

From friends to boyfriends to ex-boyfriends, I am a huge fan of forgiveness.  I forgive people in my life partially because I’m very religious and that is a part of my faith, but also because I’ve always been able to, and shouldn’t that be a gift that I embrace?  When I can, I forgive, even if that means that I can’t throw a satisfying fit and demand that people treat me better.  However, I don’t make the mistake of forgetting.  I acknowledge the flaws of the people I love and love them in spite of those flaws, as I would expect them to do for me.  Sometimes I wonder if this mindset makes my emotions easy to ignore.

I was just broken up with two weeks ago (we dated for only 3 months), and I have been trying very hard to work towards a friendship with him, because that’s something we both want.  However, it has been very difficult for me to move forward because he repeatedly makes me feel as though what I am going through does not matter to him.  When I told him I needed to talk with him, he shrugged me off and asked if it could wait, then, a few days later, allotted me 20 minutes to talk to him – which he didn’t show up for.  I’m disturbed by his treatment of me, and worried that I have somehow unintentionally “taught” him to treat me this way.  I was very patient while we were dating, would gently tell him when he was making me feel uncared for, and accept his apologies as long as I felt that they were truly meant.  He always genuinely cared, and even though he can occasionally be oblivious to others’ needs, he is always ready to help his friends when he is aware that they need or want support.

This is why his attitude and actions towards me at the end of the relationship and now have been so off-setting – and made even more so by the fact that he told me, when he broke up with me, that I was a “phenomenal girlfriend” because I was “always easy to deal with” (we broke up because he’s graduating).  I worry that, even though I consider my ability to forgive to be a strength, it is seen by others as a weakness.

If this was an isolated incident, I would be less concerned, but I often worry about similar things with my friends.  Sometimes I just want a friend who can support me the way that I support them.  I just want to talk to someone about the tough times I’m going through with my ex-boyfriend without them expressing confusion as to why I’m still wrapped up with being upset with him, or lean on a shoulder for more than a few minutes before they find something else to do.  I see them support each other, and wonder why they won’t do that for me.  They will run to my aid, and be on my side, but it’s always very short-lived and then I can feel them rolling their eyes and wondering why I’m being such a drama queen.  This even happened when a friend of mine from high school committed suicide last August – my roommate expected me to be better the next day, and couldn’t figure out why I was focusing on how different he looked in his coffin.  After these comments, I turned inward for support.  I cried in the shower instead of where people could see.  I don’t want to do this all the time, because it makes things even harder to deal with.

As I said earlier, I can tell that you are a woman who projects strength and confidence.  Am I somehow allowing the people that I love to walk all over me by being forgiving and self-sufficient?  How do you gain respect and care from the people that you love?

Sincerely,
Independent & Alone Read More »

Just because you’ve finally hooked up with someone, doesn’t mean anything has been solidified or any questions have been answered. In fact, the love sesh may have raised even more questions: was it good? Was it just a fling, or were there feelings involved? Is it going to happen again? Should you regret it? Does he regret it? Can you go back in time and pretend it never happened?

Depending on the relationship you had with the guy before the hook-up; the scenarios in which you’ll interact after the hook-up; and how much discussion you had before, during, and after the hook-up, the first “reunion” can be totally smooth, or completely cringe-worthy. And, for the record, the first reunion does not include your first words the morning after when both of you are still in bed…naked…and possiby still drunk.

How do you deal? If your first meeting with your last fling falls into one of the following categories, you need to work on your post-play approach.

1. The Awkward Aversion

You don’t know how he feels, and if it means avoiding rejection, you’re fine not knowing. You may respond to his presence by interrupting someone else’s conversation to avoid having to talk to him, fumbling with your phone to appear busy, or simply leaving the room. This will come off as either immature or disinterested. If he does like you and you blatantly ignore him, he’ll think you regret it. Unlike girls who want what they can’t have, guys are more likely to give up if you’ve bruised their ego. If you do like him, I suggest developing a different method. Read More »