While the scientists behind the study link depression to the amount of time spent in a virtual world, I have a few of my own theories as to why the Internet is making us all very, very sad.

1: Checking on the Ex.  If you are about to say that you have never fallen prey to Facebooking our ex you’d better grab a fire extinguisher, because your pants are on fire.  After a break-up, as detailed by Ted Mosby on “How I Met Your Mother,” there is a clear winner and a clear loser.  And of course, you want your ex to be the loser.  So you’ll casually click on his Facebook, just to see how he’s doing (i.e. hopefully read a bunch of depressing status updates regarding his horrible life since you guys broke up, maybe some encouraging wall posts from his friends trying in vain to get him out of his depression of knowing that there was no one else for him than you…) and what do you find? NEW PICTURES OF HIM AND SOME GIRL?!  IT’S ONLY BEEN A WEEK!  WHO IS THIS “JESSICA”??!  You click through the entire album at least twice, only to find that this little witch is now apparently dating your vile ex, and (after a small amount of clicking) she’s just gorgeous and cool and perfect.  <Insert depressing Status Update here.>

2: Online Shopping. You avoid the expensive stores in the mall because you know you can’t afford them, but there’s no avoiding that amazing Botkier bag or Louboutin pump that you happen to come across while absentmindedly surfing the web in lecture. And seeing it there, taunting you with its beauty, sends you into a deep fit of depression when you know you can’t afford it.

3: Hey, I’m Doing So Much Better Than You! Even though you know that Facebook trawling is just as harmful as it is helpful (if not more so), you still can’t stay away.  So you see in your Newsfeed that one of your old classmates is putting up pictures from their trip abroad this summer.  Oh it’s no big deal – they just spent a month in Paris in cafes and then trekked down to the coast of the Mediterranean and spent a couple of weeks on the beach.  Oh and there another friend spent, like, two months surfing in Australia.  And this friend over here just changed their work info; oh they’re just casually working at NYLON now…while you are currently in a snow covered dorm boiling water on the sly for oatmeal.  Depression.

4: WHAT TIME IS IT?! You may think that the internet is just good for killing time between things that you’re doing, but what if those other activities become the things that you’re using to kill time between your Internet time?  It starts with Facebook (everything starts with Facebook now); you’re just casually clicking around, “catching up” with friends and, suddenly, you happen to catch the time. “How is it possible that I’ve been on Facebook for an hour?” But then you feel the need to start catching up on shows you missed last night on Hulu, which shouldn’t take long since these shows are only about 20 minutes long. But then you happen to glance at the clock again and, “ARE YOU KIDDING? HOW DID I LOSE TWO MORE HOURS ON THIS NONSENSE?!”  And now you’re depressed and anxious because all of this mindless clicking means you missed out on everything. Including writing that paper, which will now have you up all night.

5: What social interaction? Admit it: you’ve IMed someone in the same room as you. If that’s not depressing, I don’t know what is.

- Reruns of Home Improvement took me back to the days when it was the only show my mom would let me stay up to watch because of my borderline unhealthy crush on JTT.
- My mom sent me some old family photos, including one of me donning a skort. When it was cool.
- And my roommate reminding me of the days when you had to hear that obnoxious dial-up tone just to get some awesome IM chat time on AOL.

Ahhh…the good ol’ days.

Now are the days of so-called “adulthood,” when mom no longer is in charge of selecting and purchasing your wardrobe (the purchasing part I didn’t mind so much…) and you are now responsible for updating your wardrobe with the latest trends every season by yourself.  The internet is now available everywhere (well, mostly) without that obnoxious dial-up tone, so that’s cool, but unless you are lucky enough win one, you have to actually purchase your own computer? What the eff?

And what’s this I hear about books being old news?

And don’t even get me started on the guy front. Who woulda thunk we’d actually be turning to guys for love advice? I mean, what happened to the days of sleepovers and gushing over some stupid note your crush passed you? Now, we are bombarded with where to meet guys, how to meet guys, wah wah wah. Between the dating scene and what alcoholic beverage I should down first, being grown up is exhausting!

Ugh. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m totes missing the days of math homework and skorts.

Yes, I have a problem.

But there are some things about technology that drive me crazy. Mostly, the things other people do (because I’m perfect). Things that make me truly hate the person enough to un-friend them. And not just on Facebook. And I’m not just talking about sending me invites to awful Facebook applications (“Send me a drink!”) or people who confuse “your” and “you’re” in a status update; I’m talking about real technology offenders.

So here is my personal list of 5 technological straws that break this tech camel’s back:

1. Mass Text Messages: It is totally cute and thoughtful of you to think of me on a holiday, an anniversary or when you pass by something that reminds you of me (like the vibrator store…seriously), but not so much when I find out that 14 other people happened to get the same thoughtful message. Why do we all remind you of vibrators? Wasn’t that our thing?

2. Plans via Text: I love texting. It’s a pretty benign form of communication when you wanna flirt and the perfect way to talk sh*t about someone who happens to be in the same room. What I don’t like is when you try and make plans with me via text when it would take 1/100th of the time to do it on the phone. If it is going to take more than 3 texts, call me! You’re giving me carpal tunnel and bumping up my phone bill.

3. The “Ok” text: Speaking of annoying text etiquette…maybe you don’t pay per text message, but I DO. There is no need to respond to my “I’ll be there in 5″ text with an “Ok.” That “Ok” just cost me $.10, so cough it up, chump.

4. Un-funny away messages: I know that I have really high expectations for the people in my life when it comes to humor, but if there is one thing that gets totally under my skin it is people who put up status/away messages that just aren’t funny. I am not reading your away message because I care what your class schedule is; I’m reading it because I’m procrastinating on a paper (or bored on the toilet) and need to be entertained. If I liked you enough to care where you were at any given moment (or to care that your bus was 26 minutes late this morning and it’s going to be a really bad day), I would know about it. Trust me.

5. People who answer the phone when they can’t talk: Seriously? Did you have to pick up the phone in the movie and whisper, “I’m in a movie. I can’t talk!”?  Not only are you annoying the people around you, but you’re annoying me. I don’t want to sit there and listen to your whispers/imagine your hot breath on my ear. Ew. Just don’t answer it.  That is why god invented voicemail.

Hope you stopped by the card store on the way back from class because today we are celebrating proper punctuation, spelling and, of course, the ever important verb-noun agreement. I don’t know about you, but nothing grates on my nerves more than bad grammar. My eyes bug out, my brow furrows and I forget what I was reading as all the words seem to melt into that one misplaced apostrophe.

Maybe I’m a nerd but I just can’t get passed it. For this reason, I think we need to celebrate National Grammar Day the right way.

Being that the local bars don’t seem to be offering any specials for this momentous occasion (what, can’t a girl get a shot for outstanding English?), I thought we could celebrate by learning a few things. Yeah, we’re all in college, but judging from my recent IMs, emails and texts, it looks like our higher education left a few things out.

So open the Tostitos, check out these 5 common grammatical errors, and let the party begin!

It is all cheesy movie marathons, holiday jams, catching up on magazines, and heavy carbs for the next few weeks. No more frozen ears walking to class, IM fighting with the roommate who never does her dishes, or long nights in the freaking library. (Although, I really can’t complain that much; at least I’m not this girl.)

And maybe I can finally get over that dude who is so not into me and have me a little holiday fling. That would be nice.

I do have one thing to worry about, though, and that is what the hell to get my parents. Maybe my dad will want the new Burger King cologne? And maybe some makeup brushes for mom? Definitely not the female condom. Ew.

I could just win that sweet new AT&T Palm Centro and give it to one of them. Wait, I want that one for myself. After all, after a week like mine, I deserve it.

Bored? Home on a Saturday night? Maybe watching the Olympics, maybe eating ice cream with a fork?

Not everyone can go out every weekend. Even CC knows that. If, like us, you’re around tonight, IM CollegeCandy27 from 9-10pm to shoot the sh*t, ask questions…commiserate on the lack of a social life…whatev.

[Want to be part of the liveblogging extravaganza? IM CollegeCandy27 and tell us what you think...we'll put the best comments up!]

Everyone’s been talking about Beijing’s Olympic Opening ceremony; it’s futuristic, the best we’ve ever seen, full of spectacle…blah blah blah. Not to be a dick, but how interesting can this sort of thing really be? A bunch of people marching around carrying flags, fireworks, George W…it sounds kind of like the Fourth of July, except slightly more boring, because nobody can be drunk.

Since my social calender has a big gaping hole where tonight’s plans should be, I’ve decided to sit in front of the TV (with or without my face covered in a homemade facial…I’m not telling) and liveblog through this so-called fantastic futuristic mind blowingly awesome ceremony.

Let’s see how badass China really is, shall we?

7:58pm — Matt Lauer and some guy are talking…President Bush is coming down the aisle…he looks slightly awkward.

8:00pm — holy f*ck there are a lot of drummers…in wizard garb.

8:05pm — I think my retnas just exploded from the lights.

8:08pm – [IM from Peanut37] “Wouldn’t want to be the one who effs up in that drum group”

8:13pm – Okay. I’m kinda impressed with those rising Olympic rings…

8:23pm – Dude, there is now a massive scroll in which peeps are dancing on. Plus there’s a drawing. On the massive scroll. That the dancers are doing with their bodies.

8:34pm – [IM from dimitriobsidian] “The block thing kind of looks like…those things they sell in Spencer’s. You know, the ones where you put your hand or your face or whatever body part you think would shock the public the most and it leaves an imprint? … THOSE BLOCKS ARE PEOPLE??”

8:51pm – Some guy is playing the piano, surrounded by people who are lit up and reminding me of an accidental LSD trip I took once…

9:00pm — An hour into the ceremony and I impressed but also bored. Does this make me uncultured?

9:07pm – Commercials. Wait, ER has only one more season? John Stamos is on that show now? That show is still ON?

9:12pm — [IM from pomqueen13] “On display tonight, things China has given us… including paper, fireworks, kites…. and undoubtedly some OPIUM.”

9:20pm – [IM from itisbecauseiam] “I think that china is just trying to show off how vast their population is… there’s no reason to have thousands of people in each and every performance”

9:23pm – Turkmenistan? Where the crap is that?

9:36pm — Table tennis. I forgot that that’s an Olympic sport. I need to watch. I used to have a ping pong table in my basement…the balls kept rolling into the cat litter.

9:47pm — Falling…asleep…being..lulled…by…bagpipes…

9:55pm – PRESIDENT BUSH JUST CHECKED HIS WATCH. He’s as bored as I am.

10:11pm — Okay, I’ve watched for 2 hours and 11 minutes, my computer sounds like it’s about to blow up, America hasn’t paraded through the parade of nations, I’m super hot, and watching people wave flags is not as interesting as it sounds. Thanks to everyone who sent in hilarious IMs…glad I’m not the only one in on a Friday night. Let me know when table tennis is on. NIGHT!

We IM our asses off.

[PS: We are not promoting scratching someone's eye out.  You could get arrested] 

AIM, with its elaborate sound effects and cutesy but cluttered design, has lost its appeal for me. There was a time when I, like many of my friends, left AIM constantly signed on, just in case some crucial or exciting message might pop up unexpectedly. But over time, the many irritations of AIM began to wear on me. I signed on less and less frequently, and eventually not at all.

Those advertisements at the top of the buddy list window would make loud and abrupt noises out of nowhere, which freaked me out. I’m through spending hours meticulously crafting witty away messages or tweaking my profile, and I’m definitely through reading other people’s away messages and profiles. The internet has come a long way, and there are far better ways to kill time. Like Facebook. Also, in the many long years I’ve been using AIM, I have acquired a lot of “buddies”. A lot of random buddies, many of whom I no longer care to chat with. It’s so awkward when some long lost acquaintance I occasionally partied with during my senior year of high school wants to kill time by IMing me. I have nothing to say, but at the same time, how can I blow someone off when we haven’t spoken in three or four years?

And then there was the issue of screen names. When I created my most recent AIM screen name (wildhoneypie07, in case you’re wondering), it was totally clever and cute, a fusion of a nickname and an inside joke, plus the year I could one day expect to graduate from college. Now, though, as a recent college graduate, it just seems silly and embarrassing.

Gchat, on the other hand, is so sleek, so streamlined, so…mature. Since it’s integrated into your email, it doesn’t seem childish and desperate to leave it open most of the time. Plus, it looks more professional if you’re pretending to work while chatting. And instead of pictures of post-it notes to indicate an away message and Zzz’s when someone is idle, Gchat gives me a simple green dot, orange dot, red dot, or grey dot to represent online, idle, busy, or offline.

We use our real names now, instead of silly nicknames, so you always know exactly who you’re talking to. Since Gmail is fairly new, all of your contacts are current and relevant people you actually want to talk to. And lest you think Gchat is all work and no play, the adorable emoticons do a cute little trick where they flip right side up and sometimes color themselves in.

Now if only Gchat would add a chatroom option and get rid of that creepy “chat history” feature, I’d be in chatting heaven. Just remember to go “off the record” before any potentially incriminating chats.