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Question?! Answer: TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com. Annnnnd go.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about six months now. When we first got together it was because of a drunken hook-up and I wasn’t really into him. He pursued me for a couple of months until I decided to give in and give the relationship thing a try with him. He is the first guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with, and I’m the first girl he’s ever had a serious relationship with, and after a while we developed deep feelings for each other. Told each other we loved one another and all of that. Things were going great until we got into a big fight over him being inconsiderate, he made me wait for three hours at a place that I was supposed to pick him up at but turns out he was already home sleeping the whole time. Instead of just getting the argument out of our systems, all I wanted was for him to apologize for not calling me to let me know, he went back to sleep mad and I went home mad. The next day he called and broke up with me because he just doesn’t feel he belongs in relationships. When I went over to his house to talk about it with him we ended up getting back together, the breakup lasted a whole 8 hours. He told me it was because he’d never been in a serious relationship before and the whole idea freaked him out but that he realized he truly does love me and wants to be with me.

Well, ever since then I’ve been scared to death that he’s going to break up with me again. I’m paranoid of his ex-girlfriend, whom he still speaks to occasionally, and his friends that are girls who I know he’s had feelings for in the past. We’re two really different people and I’m afraid he’ll realize that maybe he’d be happier with someone more like him. I was a virgin when we got together, he was not, so I’m obviously not as sexually experienced as him or the other girls he’s slept with, so I’m also afraid of not keeping him sexually satisfied. Though we do have sex at least once a day, I’m not scared he’s lost interest, just that maybe his exes are better, they’re into the same things as him, and that he’d go elsewhere for that satisfaction.

I told him how I was scared of losing him and that I felt like at any second he would just change his mind again. He just rolled his eyes and told me if he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t be with me. He told me he loves me but sometimes when I say it to him he’ll say “I like you, too.” He says that it’s because he doesn’t think it should be said too much, that the word freaks him out and that I know he loves me so it shouldn’t bother me. He always wants me to give him reasons why I love him and I tell him. However whenever I ask him he replies with “I don’t know how to explain it. I just do.” I just need a little reassurance from him but I’m not sure how to talk to him about it because I don’t want to appear needy and psycho. What should I do?

– Paranoid girlfriend

Dear Paranoid Girlfriend,

If you want to be with him: lay off.

Look, the guy obviously digs you. And by the way, sex at least once a day?! THAT’S A LOT OF SEX. He wants to eff you. Of that I am sure. So forget this whole sexual insecurity thing. It’s not making you seem sexier–au contraire–and, honestly, it’s just plain silly.

The problem lies more, PG, in the fact that you’re putting a lot of pressure on him by trying to get him to say how much he loves/likes/craves you all the time. It’s gotten tiring, and he’s trying to get you to lay off. Take the hint, girl. Stop fishing for compliments and take ‘em when he sincerely wants to give ‘em. You’ll be happier because you’ll know he’s sayin it only because he genuinely means it, and he’ll be happier because he won’t have to feel like you’re bugging the living daylights out of him.

In the meantime, however–DO you want to be with him? You’re right, you are coming across as needy. But, honey, he’s coming across as self-absorbed. He wants compliments and love licks and he won’t even give you one little reason why he loves you?! I mean, if he wants tat, he better give you some tit. For real, girl. Reciprocity. Rec-i-proc-i-TEE.

I dunno, man. He sounds immature and more interested in himself. Which is fine. But you gotta decide if that’s enough for you. Quite frankly, it wouldn’t be enough for me.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

I would have never dated me three or four years ago. Sure, I was lovely in most ways and I was a catch in most ways, but there was one little thing about dating that I just didn’t get: being friends after the breakup.

When my heart was broken before, I knew exactly how to manipulate the story to victimize myself and follow up with passionate vengeance. I never even gave a guy a fair chance to break up with me without it being ugly. And looking back on that, it makes me thoroughly sad.

These days, I understand relationships as more than ultimatums or pending doom and broken heartedness. Now I get it.

If I was that close to a guy before, close enough to let him be the only boy I would even kiss, he must have had something to contribute to the world and my life more than sex, right? Right. So why would I cut all of those positive things out of my life just because we made a decision to end the intimacy?

Upon realizing just how much I was giving up when I cut off all ties with my exes, I began changing my ways. I am now friends with all of my exes; yes, every last one. I have rebuilt the bridges I burned and, in fact, just hopped on a plane last month to go visit my most recent ex. As a FRIEND. And we had a great time!

When you are of the mentality that you can’t be friends with a dude after you break up, you are already hindering your relationship. You are already screwing up its natural course of growth and making aspects of the relationship ugly that don’t need to be. Damning your post-breakup relationship to Hell is not only immature, but it’s sad; if you liked a guy enough to date him, you should like him enough to be there for him when you’re done dating one another.

“But how the hell am I supposed to stay friends with him?!” you ask.

Good question. Here are some of the things that worked for me.

1. Don’t talk for a 1-3 months after the intimate relationship ends. You’ll need this time to readjust and get your own personal life back.

2. Don’t feel guilty for seeing him as something different than your typical friend.

3. Be supportive of him and encourage his healthy relationships with new women.

4. Be a shoulder for him to lean on.

5. Don’t be cutting. Save the resentment for your diary; it’s over now.

6. Don’t try to get back together. You can’t be friends if you’re trying to be more than friends.

7. Try to avoid the ‘remember when’ conversations. They bring on emotions.

8. Avoid comparisons. Don’t compare your new guys to him, and don’t let him compare the new girls to you.

9. Distance yourself from his closest friends and family. That means no calling his sister for advice or taking his new GF out for ice cream every night.

10. Recognize what you’re doing. You’re salvaging a friendship; give it time.

Yes, that list is long. And yes it is full of very difficult tasks, but let me tell you – I’m a f*cked up emotional creature, so if I can swing this I know you can. You’re probably never going to be super psyched about your ex dating a new girl, nor will you ever lose ALL of the feelings you once had for him, but being friends with him is possible. And important. And part of growing up.

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