Are you actually together, or are you just really good friends who frequently have sex? Are you ‘dating’? Are you ‘in a relationship’? Maybe ‘it’s complicated’? Are you ready for engagement…or marriage? Or is it time you two just moved in together already?

Women’s magazines and Hollywood seem to be preoccupied with the notion of moving one’s relationship forward, as if a relationship were some sort of vehicle aiming for a finish line, some sort of ephemeral end goal (it’s never really defined, is it?). Indeed, film and television producers like to parcel out relationship plots as mostly linear narratives with some sort of final objective on the horizon: Girl meets Boy. Girl likes Boy. Girl and Boy date. Girl and Boy become a Couple. Couple co-habitate. Couple get engaged. Couple get married. Couple have children. Couple’s happiness is demonstrably achieved (apparently). Oh, perhaps the writers will throw in a few twists — perhaps Girl meets Girl. Maybe there’s a nearly disastrous misunderstanding involving a jilted ex-lover. Or maybe the Couple must overcome adversity in order to marry. Radical.

The thing is, relationships rarely happen like that in real life. Particularly, I would argue, for modern 20-somethings. By the time you’ve experienced a relationship (or several) yourself, you come to the realisation that relationships seldom occur as neatly as Hollywood would have you think. Relationships are messy, confusing, exhilarating and frustrating, and no two are the same. How, then, do you know when it’s time to move your relationship to the next level? How do you know when it’s the right time to have sex, to decide to be exclusive, to change your Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’, to consider engagement, marriage, children, whatever?

At the risk of sounding deeply ‘new age’ and annoyingly like your high school counselor, I can’t answer that for you. You and your lover are the only people who can decide where your relationship is going and when. I do have a few morsels of advice, though.

Firstly, don’t be beholden to whatever it is you think society wants you to do. Please! If you’re three years into your relationship and people are speculating as to when the ring is going to appear on your finger, don’t feel required to get engaged. Relationships aren’t a race to the finish line (what is waiting at the finish line, anyway?), you’re absolutely free to meander at your own pace. It might be better to let things develop organically, rather than forcing ‘progress’ upon a relationship. Pressures such as ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ can distract you from the fact that a relationship is a journey, not a destination (ew, I feel so grossly airy-fairy and existential for writing that, but it’s true). So quit your worrying and enjoy things as they are.

Similarly, don’t feel the need to define your relationship by traditional standards. There’s a guy in my life – we get along really well, and we’re good friends. We spend a lot of time together and we have a lot of sex. We cuddle and we talk and we cook together. We’re exclusive. But he’s not my boyfriend. There’s all sorts of reasons that neither of us feel like defining our relationship as ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ and we’re both perfectly comfortable with that. It’s other people who seem so keen to slap a definition on us. Are we together? Sorta. The label isn’t important. If you’re in a similar situation, don’t feel the need to move your relationship to the ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ stage just because others think you should.

Thirdly, remember that completion of one step is not a prerequisite for completing another step. I used to live with my boyfriend. We lived together for two years. I learned a lot during that time, including the realisation that I really need my own space. I will always be hesitant to move in with a significant other. But that doesn’t mean I cannot be in a serious, meaningful (etc. etc.) relationship. Personally, I think Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter have the right idea — adjoining houses. They have kids, a great relationship (it would seem), intimacy, and personal space. So, just because you’re getting engaged, it doesn’t mean you have to move in with each other. Just because you’ve decided that you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to be having sex. Just because you’re moving away, doesn’t mean you have to break up. You decide which steps to take and when to take them.

Finally, don’t be afraid to end things if the ‘next step’ is just not what you want. Perhaps your friend with benefits wants to be more than a friend, but you’re not comfortable with the idea. Don’t be afraid to end the relationship there — if your differences are irreconcilable then there’s probably not much point in carrying on. If he’s talking about marriage and babies and you’re terrified, maybe it’s time to have a think about where things might be going, and if it’s time to abandon ship.

I suppose I’ve talked around the issue a little here, but the salient points for you to remember are these: ‘moving forward’ and ‘taking things to the next level’ are not always necessary. Screw society’s expectations and do your own thing at your own pace. And, if you want out, don’t be afraid to say so.

Want to see when He Said it’s the right time to take things to the next level? Check it out at COEDMagazine.com!

Raquel is a Wellingtonian and an Art History graduate. When she’s not studying to be a teacher, she’s downing coffee and reading the autobiographies of people much more amazing than her. You can follow her on twitter @raquel_marty.

Lazy Sunday mornings. They might be one of the most wonderful things in the world. It was noon, and I was enjoying one such relaxing, completely unproductive Sunday morning this past week. It was my turn to cook, so I was making waffles (chocolate chip, of course) for our girls brunch. We had all congregated, still in our pajamas and more than a little worn out from the previous night’s festivities, to exchange stories.

We gushed about one of my friend’s newest crushes who had FINALLY kissed her the night before, laughed at some of the ridiculous things that various drunk boys had said, dissected who had danced with whom (“Ew against the wall?!”), and dished on all the important gossip of the weekend. Typical girls’ sesh, Sex and the City style. Except our outfits weren’t $2,000. And we were sitting on the floor of our living room.

My one friend, K, wasn’t saying much, though. I wasn’t sure if she was simply still too hung over to process anything or if there was something on her mind. Finally, when we were back to talking about my friend’s exciting smooch, K chimed in.

“Ah I’m so jealous! That’s the best place to be. I miss being single.”

K has been with her boyfriend Mitch for a long, LONG time. They are one of those perfect couples; totally in sync, totally in love, totally awesome. Every single single girl I know wants what they have. It never occurred to me that she might want what we have.

But I get it. I remember missing the excitement of being single when I was tied down for so long. Like K said, it really is fun to be single, especially in college. There are always new crushes and mistakes, drunken hookups that make for hilarious stories, and the freedom to do what (and whom) you want. But the funny thing about all this is that, as a single girl, I want what K has.  I mean, the whole reason a new crush is exciting is because we’re thinking of the potential for it to turn into a real relationship. One like K’s.

We all want what we don’t have.
Actually, we all want what we think we don’t have.

K misses the excitement that comes with being single, but she doesn’t see all the other stuff: the boys with potential who disappeared without a trace, the awkwardness of those accidental drunken mistakes,  the nights spent alone. With junk food. K only sees a small part of what it’s like to be single and, from the comforts of her perfect relationship, totally misses the reality.

And I’m sure, when I look longingly at her and every other blissfully happy couple holding hands on campus, I’m not getting the whole picture either.

Obviously, there are good and bad things about being both singled and coupled. It’s easy to envy whichever one you don’t have from afar – coveting the excitement of a single girl’s life, or the stability of a coupled girl’s relationship. It’s that whole “grass is greener” syndrome. We all just need to remember that when you get closer, you’ll see that both sides have some brown spots that the sprinkler could never reach.

At the end of the day, we all need to remember to be content with what wehave. The grass might look greener on the other side, but look down and you’ll see that your own grass is pretty damn green already.

"Spending the day snuggling with my snuggle bunny. Smoochy smooch!"

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman (unless she happens to be charging at us with her fists raised), so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like whether sex sells!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

“Jane Doe adores John so much, it’s like fluffy pink bunnies of love are frolicking around inside of her. Wuvs U Baby!” Gag me. Seriously, how many times have you looked on Facebook and seen somebody else getting all schmoopy over their significant other in their status? It’s right up there with Farmville for my top FB pet peeves. My question is, have I become a jaded cynic who can’t appreciate open expression of love, or do other people think these overshares need to be outlawed too?

OK, maybe I’m reacting too strongly – I’ve totally been in that cuddly-baby-animals-feeling phase of relationships and have totally overshared it on Facebook without a second thought. Is it really fair to want to go punch a friend in the face because of the multiple daily updates on how much she misses her BF when he has to go to class? (Sidenote: don’t you wish FB had a “punch” feature similar to the poke? Come on, Mark Z., get on that!) No, probably not. I get why people do it, and it’s their business so I shouldn’t even let it get to me. If I don’t want to see it, just don’t check FB, right (ha! Like that’ll ever happen!). People have the right to put up whatever they want in their statuses and the rest of us should just deal.

Except they’re putting it up online and thus making it my business! I’m not some haggard old spinster bitterly mumbling to myself about cutesy young couples; I’m happy for my friends who are in good relationships, really. I just don’t want to have that schmaltz pop up in my newsfeed 6 times a day! I’m not saying don’t ever put it in your status, but you wouldn’t call your friends up several times a day to tell them how much you love your guy, so why the heck would you make them read about it? I’m just asking for a basic level of courtesy here.

What say you, ladies? Have you been a victim, or are you the guilty party? Are we so over the overshare, or am I freaking out about nothing? Duke it out!

Needy. Ugh. That one word can make any guy run for miles, and being labeled as such is every girl’s worst nightmare. It’s funny in the movies; we can all ROTFL when a character leaves a guy seventeen voicemails in a row (“How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”) or assumes that an invite to a party is a declaration of love (“He’s Just Not That Into You”), but the reason it is so funny is because it’s based in some very real, very painful truth.

But being that needy in real life, is not funny.

The problem is that so many girls in our generation are so terrified that some boy might call them needy that the line between being needy and having respect for oneself has blurred. A friend, let’s call her Laura, currently has those two confused, and she is driving me insane. Laura has been kind of in a thing (i.e. the college version of dating) with this guy, we’ll call him Brad, since some time in April. Brad is, to put it nicely, not the world’s most considerate guy. He’ll make plans with her and bail at the last minute, say he’ll talk to her tomorrow and disappear for a week with no communication, hell, he almost forgot to even say “Happy Birthday!” to her.

It is painful to watch Laura let this guy treat her like that, and we’ve all tried to help her see how poorly he’s treating her on her own. The problem is that she has been a little needy in the past, and she is so terrified of being labeled ‘needy’ again that she won’t even stand up for herself!

The poor girl just doesn’t see the difference between being needy and getting a the respect she deserves.

Needy is expecting to hang out with the person you’re dating all the time.
Needy is being mad that he won’t skip boys’ night to try a new sushi place with you.

Needy is not expecting the guy you’re dating to call when he says he will.
It is not needy to expect him to follow through on what he says he is going to do, or call him out on it if it happens frequently.
It is not needy to want a defined relationship status so you know what’s going on.

There is a gray area somewhere between being WAY too needy and having no self respect, and it is in that area that real, healthy relationships lie. Where there’s some give and take, some compromise and some mutual respect. Laura and Brad are not in that area and I just need to find a way to show her that it exists and that it’s not “needy” to want to be there.

Last week, my boyfriend and I found this group of guys who boffer (it’s basically sword fighting role play) so that he could do a documentary about them. I went with because I was bored and figured I could help Matt out. I was expecting a group of stereotypical Dungeons and Dragons nerds; aka fat white boys who have no social lives. Well, we show up and there were, dare I say, really hot guys there!

Since I was just there to be Matt’s assistant, I sat on the porch while he filmed the guys doing their thing. I was just watching until one of the gents came over to the porch to get something. He noticed me just sitting there and kept trying to get me to join them. I kept telling him I’d have no idea what I’d be doing and I’d make a fool of myself, but he kept trying to get me to play along with them. He even offered to let me use the good weapons. (Ooo lala!) There was just no way that I was going to try to sword fight with these guys, so I stayed on the porch. Later this guy decided to keep tapping me on the shoulder from behind with his sword (his actual foam sword for those of you with dirty minds) and would pretend to be minding his own business when I turned around.

I’ve never been one to garner a lot of attention from men, so I naturally was very awkward around this guy. I thought he was just trying to be friendly, but in the car on the way home, Matt informed me that that guy was hitting on me. I was MORTIFIED! It was bad enough that I’m totally oblivious to the fact that I couldn’t tell when a guy was hitting on me, but the fact that my boyfriend had to tell me was the cherry on top. If I would’ve known that he was trying to flirt I would’ve naturally told the guy to back off because I’m taken!

I really didn’t think I’d have to announce to this group of total strangers that I was Matt’s girlfriend. I was fairly certain that the way we act around people, and the fact we showed up together, would signal to all the guys there that I was off the market. Apparently some guys are just too dense to pick up on social cues. All I can think of now is, “What if this happens again?”

What’s a girl to do? Do I flat out reject him to his face and not worry about being rude? Do I be nice and let him down gently hoping my boyfriend doesn’t take it the wrong way?  Do I say nothing at all, let it happen and, in the process, lead him on? It seems like there’s really no “right” way to handle this situation. Either I’m a presumptuous witch who assumes all guys are trying to hit on me, I’m a flirt who loves attention and leads guys on, or I’m somehow cheating on my boyfriend.

I guess for now I’ll just try to make it more obvious to people that I’m taken, but I’m not even sure that’s the right way to go; no one wants to see a kissy/lovey couple getting all PDA in front of them. So what’s a coupled girl to do?

Anyone got any ideas?

While I love my boyfriend Matt to death, there comes a time (OK, many times) when he drive me insane. Sometimes all of the little annoying habits he has make either want to barf or slap him upside the head. I’m sure some of you will think “That’s terrible! I would never be grossed out by or want to hurt my boyfriend!” But I’d put money down on the table right now that most of you feel my pain and are sitting there right now thinking, “OMG, sometimes my boyfriend annoys the crap out of me.”

For instance, let’s just take the fact that men, by nature, are gross. Matt is no exception (obviously). While yes, it’s appreciated that he showers regularly and brushes his teeth, it still grosses me out to no end when he wakes up in the morning and immediately starts hacking and coughing up God knows what. I know that people have to take care of some phlegm in the morning on occasion, but this is every. single. morning. And it’s not one cough either – it’s several loud and, from the sound of it, very productive hacks. Trust me, it’s not what you want to hear at 6 a.m. when you’re trying desperately to get a few more precious minutes of sleep.

Then there’s the failed attempts at humor. While Matt has a great sense of wit and is usually really dang funny, he’s got one flaw in the comedy department: accents and impersonations. That really wouldn’t be a big deal if it weren’t for the fact that he tries to do them just about every time we’re with people. As a former theater major, bad accents get to me. I did a year of Irish dialect training, so when he tries his hand at an Irish brogue, it’s not only totally unfunny, but it has the same effect on me that nails on the chalkboard have one the rest of society. And our friends have noticed as well.

Before you go off thinking I’m a total witch with a capital B, please know that I’ve talked to Matt about it. While it was hard news to take, he did promise to try to cut back on the bad impersonations and has made huge strides in the hacking department. (Literally – he runs into the bathroom.) He is human and slips up sometimes, but I’m learning to not let stuff like that get to me, and in no way does it make me love him less. I also know that there are things that I do that annoy the heck out of him, so we both try to be understanding when the other slips up.

In a way it’s kind of nice to have a boyfriend with tiny flaws, because, well, it’s a whole lot better than someone with giant flaws. And at the end of the day, wanting to kick my boyfriend for attempting to pull phlegm up from his chest isn’t a bad thing – it’s normal. Even the happiest couple in the world wants to smack each other once in awhile.

So, what does your BF do that makes you want to scream?

It’s no secret that everyone wants honestly in their relationship, but there are some things we just DON’T want to know (or want them to know!).  Much like you wouldn’t disclose to your man exactly what happened between you and his roommate freshman year, here’s a list of things we definitely do not want to hear from guys we’re gettin’ down with:

1. His “Number”: I admit that sometimes I get curious and I’m tempted to ask, but I resist! I really don’t wanna know how many other chicks he’s gotten naked with, especially if I’m into him.

2. Bowel movements: Even if the relationship is years old, there should still be a little mystery in the bathroom. He should tell his frat brothers about what he’s doing/did/about to do (in graphic detail) in there, not me.

3. Anything positive about his ex: I don’t care if she was pretty, smart, a good cook, or great in bed. It’s best not to mention her at all, but if he must, we prefer to hear that she was some variation of a crazy person who didn’t fulfill his needs and has much, much smaller boobies. Also…

4. He still talks to his ex: This is basically guaranteed to bring out the crazy jealous b*tch in all of us.  It’s okay if they’re still friends, but we don’t need to hear that she texted him the most HILARIOUS thing today and blah, blah, blah.  Just avoid an argument and stay mum, okay?

5. How often he masturbates: I’d like to think he stops that once he’s gettin’ the real deal from me. And I’d really like to keep it that way.

6. How often he watches porn: I don’t want to feel pressure of trying to live up to Jenna Jameson in bed.

7. That we’ve gotten fat: If he notices, then there’s basically a 100% chance that we’ve already noticed. And panicked. And taped a picture of Adriana Lima to the fridge. We’re critical enough of ourselves, so any comments about our body from a guy besides how much he loves our T and A will send us over the edge.

8. How hot he thinks our friends are: My friends and roommates are attractive, and I’m sure any guy who spends a lot of time with me will notice.  But I don’t want to know about it.  Nor do I want to know about the fantasy involving a threesome with me and my BFF.

9. Where he learned his bedroom moves: I appreciate the great sex, but I want to throw up at the thought of all the practice it took for you to acquire your um…skill.

10. What his friends think about me: And, yes, that includes if they think I have a nice ass. That’s just asking for awkward interactions down the road.

Then of course, along came Matt and he swept me off my feet. Our first year together was the first Valentine’s Day that I had a boyfriend and I was curious as to what was going to happen. I still hated the holiday; why is it that we assign a single particular day to show our significant others that we love them? Shouldn’t that be an everyday thing? And am I the only one who thinks the alternative motive of this holiday is to shame single people into chocolate induced comas?

Anyways, Matt hates crowds and I wasn’t exactly jumping at the bit to be a stereotypical couple, so we spent our first Valentine’s Day in my dorm room with movies and snacks. It’s what we love to do, so why not do it on February 14th? I handmade Matt a card and then he completely upstaged me by giving me an expensive bracelet. It was beautiful (what girl wouldn’t want that?!), but it wasn’t the best part of the day. The important thing was that we were together and spending quality time together.

And while that day was pure Valentine’s perfection in my book, Matt did want to see me dressed up and all lady-like so he took me out for a little romantic dinner a week later on our own time, not the calendar’s!

We took the commercialism and  stereotypes of my most dreaded holiday and turned them into something all our own. Something I’m actually really looking forward to this year. Once a total (bitter) hater, once I was coupled up I learned that Valentine’s Day isn’t something to fear, it’s something that can be really great. You just have to personalize it. I still think you can pick any day of the year to show your boyfriend that you love him, but it is pretty nice to have an extra reminder in the middle of winter.

Still, though, can we put an end to the cliche chocolates and roses?

I barely have time to breathe, let alone spend QT with the BF.

I’m currently only on my second week back in school. However, in those few days, I’ve managed to become a producer at our student TV station, write a paper on The Godfather script, drop a class because it had too much homework, and signed up to become a licensed real estate agent. I’ve canceled or just flat out forgotten about my friends, and worst of all, I’ve barely seen my boyfriend… even though I live with him.

Anybody else dealing with the time crunch in a relationship? How do you deal?

[Last week our Single Girl shared her feelings of jealousy for all her coupled friends. Looks like the grass is always greener....]

I’m getting to that point with my boyfriend that things are getting really comfortable. Since we live together I get to see him 24/7 which unfortunately means he sees me 24/7. AKA he sees me when I have no makeup, am in my sweats, and getting ready for bed. Honestly, there’s really no mystery left.

Flip over to my best friend Erica and her new boyfriend. She’s having all the fun of finding out all about him and she still spends an hour in the bathroom before dates. Then there’s my friend Haley who’s totally taking advantage of being single at college parties and can have a make out sesh whenever she wants with whomever she wants. I love hearing them talk about all the excitement of Erica’s new relationship and Haley’s latest exploits, but it’s starting to hit me that I will most likely never get that kind of excitement again. And I’m jealous!

I do love my boyfriend, and I’m totally OK with giving up stuff like finding out the hot guy at the bar is terrible in bed, or having a blind date with a guy with bad breath, but am I really ready to never have another first kiss? Another first date? Another first sexcapade?

There’s something wonderful about being completely comfortable with someone and knowing that you don’t have to swipe on some eyeliner when you know he’s coming over. And there’s nothing quite like the feeling of knowing someone’s behind you, no matter what. But with all that comfort comes laziness; when you don’t need to impress the other person anymore, why put in any effort?

I love Matt and I love being in a relationship with him, but it’s hard not to miss all the fun and excitement that comes with the single life. And when I think about it, it’s scary to realize that I’ll never have it again. Especially when I’m surrounded by people in the midst of it, living it up and sharing their tales with me.

Anybody else getting green with envy of other girls?