Pause.  Now recollect yourself.  No vomit noises, please.  This is science.

Apparently it was proven that humans are more attracted to those who look like themselves.  And who looks like you more than your own darn family?  One group of the study participants were subliminally shown pictures of their opposite sex parent as they rated the attractiveness of strangers’ pictures.  The other group were simply shown the strangers’ pictures without the subliminal image before.  Guess which group was more attracted to those strangers? Yup, forget the guy on the soccer team you’ve been seeing, seems pretty obvious that you should lust after your older bro instead.

Okay, go back to your dry heaving.

But what about those fantasies that are just “weird”? The ones you’re afraid to share with your boyfriend, the one’s you hear rumors about in the caf, and the ones you read about online when you accidentally Google the wrong thing and then quickly delete your web history.

This week’s Sexy Time will take a closer look at a two of the more cringe-worthy sexual fantasies out there to see what they’re really all about.

Daddy/Daughter Fantasy

What It’s All About: The daddy/daughter fantasy isn’t necessarily about incest, it’s about domination, submission and seduction. Daddy/daughter fantasies come in all forms: an innocent little girl playing “games” with daddy, a bad little girl being punished by daddy, a naughty little girl seducing daddy… use your imagination.

The Appeal: Many women enjoy daddy/daughter fantasies because it allows them to be submissive. Despite how far feminism has come, the “slut” stigma is still very prevalent in society. Daddy/daughter fantasies allow women to enjoy sex without feeling any guilt or shame. Rather than being labeled a “slut” for enjoying sex, they are simply a little girl who is doing what their daddy wants them to. Other women enjoy playing the “Lolita” aspect, the naughty little girl who no man can resist. Daddy/daughter fantasies come in all shapes and sizes and men and women all have different reasons for finding them hot.

The Ick Factor: Since when is acting out incest and pedophilia sexy? Does calling your boyfriend “daddy” in bed mean you actually want to have sex with your father?  Is a guy who is into this sort of thing also into children? The answer is most likely NO to these questions, but that doesn’t mean they don’t pop into most people’s heads when they first come into contact with a daddy/daughter fantasy.

Water Sports

What It’s All About: Wikipedia says, “Urolagnia (also urophilia, undinism) is a sexual activity in which participants derive sexual pleasure from urine and/or urination.” Many people enjoy urinating on their partner or being urinated on as a part of sexual activity.

The Appeal: There’s something kind of hot about two people who are so turned on by each other that they even find the other’s piss sexy. For the urinator, the pleasure in urine play usually comes from putting their partner in a vulnerable position and being able to act in a manner that would otherwise be completely unacceptable. For the partner being peed on, urine play can be a way to explore submissive tendencies, or they may just simply find urine a sexy thing. After all, many girls like having semen on their boobs or face (I am not one of them!), and urine is just another liquid that comes out down there.

The Ick Factor: But pee is icky! What if you get some weird disease? Even though urine is actual sterile and safe for consumption, most people can’t get over the “ew” feeling associated with it.

These are only two examples of the many taboo fantasies out there. What’s important to note, however, is that while many people find these fantasy’s “icky” or “wrong,” plenty of people find them pretty damn sexy. Really, Google searching “daddy/daughter fantasy” wields over 11,000,000 hits, and “water sports sex” turns up over 26,000,000. I feel pretty confident in saying that no matter how weird or unusual you think your personal fantasy is, there are tons of people who share the same one. Maybe it’s time we start opening up and pursuing the things that turn us on, rather than conforming society’s “missionary with a sprinkling of cowgirl” script for sexual fulfillment.

What do you guys think? Ever tried either of these? Do you have any of your own taboo fantasies?

Three episodes into the season, and we’re just now getting into Back-to-School season. Hence, the lavish drama-inducing party is replaced by upscale bars that serve teenagers, and the Colorful-Martini-on-White-Dress shtick from the Vitamin Water party is replaced by some sort of acid formula that burns the victims’ hair right off her scalp. Ouch.

Am I getting ahead of myself? Here’s what you need to know: Serena and Dan are each having qualms about seeing each other back at school, while Blair and her drones are preparing for their yearly initiation of potential newbies (which Jenny failed at last year). This creates the perfect set-up for new character Amanda’s entrance. Just as Blair explains to Serena that whomever dates first wins, bam! Dan bumps into Amanda, which can only have a tragic outcome.

Obviously, Blair has to intervene, which causes Serena to suggest a threeway. No, not a menage a trois, but a date between herself, Dan, and…Amanda. As if Dan’s fifth grade half-wave in the quad wasn’t awkward enough. The three-way date quickly turns into a foursome when Serena enlists a meathead to try to make Dan jealous…to no avail. And what do hot socialite girls do when they are horribly rejected? They hide their hurt feelings with vengeance.

But let’s jump to the first shocker of the night: Catherine and Marcus. Like, you know. Catherine and Marcus. Poor Vanessa thinks she’s got the ball in her court when she snaps them pre-nooky with her iPhone. But she’s no Waldorf, and that’s going to come back to haunt her. And Nate.

As Serena tries to hide her broken heart from lonely boy, the “old” Serena begins to make a comeback. Most notably in the line, “If this were a competition, I wouldn’t need Blair and her posse to win.” Ouch, Dan, them’s fighting words.

Of course, Serena really doesn’t need B and Company to win… because Chuck Bass is still lurking in the background. Which brings me to shocker number 2: Amanda is one of Chuck’s many, many pawns in his game of Upper East Side Chess. So Amanda’s a phony, Serena’s the new queen bee, Blair’s sent both Marcus and Cougar Catherine packing, and amidst everyone’s personal drama, nobody’s realized that Chuck holds the ball in his court.

Welcome back, bitchy Serena. Just when we thought your story line was getting dull.

Just one more thing: What is up with the geeky Asian Ugly Betty chick, and why does is she part of Blair’s posse?

Bow down or bow out, kids. Things are about to get ugly.

Seriously. So the dude churns out jams that frat boys play when they’re trying to get sensitive with the lady they just slipped GHB to. And I suppose he did date Jessica Simpson. And, yeah, sure, he’s friends with Jimmy Buffet. *shudder* BUT. But. The dude is a) for all intensive purposes, a guitar god, b) actually fucking hilarious, and c) now, apparently has a huge wiener.

This is a lot more than I can say for a majority of the gentlemen I have been involved with, oh, ever. Plus, he’s totally loaded. Sure, that’s mostly due to the aforementioned frat boys and moms in sexless marriages, but really, I’m going to come right out and say it; John Mayer is kind of the sh*t.

I know people speculate all the time as to how he gets all these hot chicks (thus, the Daily News “investigate report” or whatever the f*ck you want to call it), but let’s peruse the roster of people he’s been reported as getting romantic with according to whosdatedwho.com:

Rebecca Lord – A porn star, a.k.a. a lady who knows her wangs.

Vanessa Carlton – A singer or something. Butterface.

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Lightbulb head, possibly retarded. (Though I loved Can’t Hardly Wait)

Rhona Mitra – Professional manface, judging by her photo.

Jessica Simpson – Huge rack, braindead, incestual relationship with father.

Penelope Cruz – Downs Syndrome. You heard it here first.

Cameron Diaz – Worthy of, and actually probably perfect for, John Mayer’s awesomeness.

Minka Kelly – I don’t know who she is. I’ll assume borderline famous groupie.

Jennifer Aniston – Bitch please. You was, are, and always will be, boring-ass Rachel Green. Go buy a new black Ralph Lauren dress and get another shag haircut.

Long story short (or LONG, haha. Get it? Yikes…), the ladies John Mayer has dated are, with the exception of Cameron Diaz, lucky they got to get with J-Dogg, and this new report about his megacockalus is the final nail in the coffin. Godspeed, John Mayer! I salute you and your gigantic, uh, body of work.

P.S. My body is totally a wonderland. Call me.

In the classic tragedy of OEDIPUS, in which we find an incestuous relationship at its core, Oedipus marries his mother, Queen Jocasta, after killing his father, King Laius of Thebes. Their true identities are only known to the reader, making the story all the more gruesome to read. They unwittingly marry one another, unaware that they are related by blood. When Oedipus realizes that he’s married his own mother and that he killed his true father, he stabs his eyes out.

It’s a classic tale of unnatural consummation, and the results are disastrous.

Fast forward to the early twentieth century. Location: Austria. Freud’s interest in the development of children vis-à-vis the “Oedipus complex” is immortalized. The concept is still discussed in highly intellectual circles, and the term is also tossed about in mundane, everyday life jabbering.

In simplest terms, Freud’s psychoanalytic understanding of this complex is dichotomic – there are two opposing emotional poles. One pole is bent on a wish for one parent to die, while the other pole is the realm of love and absolute adoration for the other parent. This love is connected to sexual desires, albeit juvenile, for the other parent.

The hatred is directed toward the father, and the love is connected to the mother (the maternal source that granted the child life). These desires, i.e. the wish to kill their father in order to have complete access to their mother’s love and affections, are short lived. But what happens when this complex is inverted and, let’s say, the father goes after his own daughter?

Fast forward again. This time to 2008, but let’s stay in the same location: Austria. The man, Josef Fritzl, inverted the oedipal complex, and a most horrifying story has surfaced in Austria, the birthplace of Freud. At the age of 73, Fritzl was recently arrested. He confessed to fathering 7 siblings with his own daughter! His daughter, Elizabeth F., was kidnapped by her own father in 1984. She was drugged and locked up in a cellar below their home. He raped her repeatedly. Her mother, meanwhile, believed that Elizabeth had run away. A few of the children were “dumped” off at the parents’ doorstep with notes on them that claimed that Elizabeth had joined a cult, and was not allowed to raise her children.

Three others stayed with the mother in the sound proof dungeon, a light-free prison only accessed by Fritzl. At one point a child died shortly after its birth, and Josef Fritzl told authorities that he had incinerated the body shortly thereafter. He is now the most famous criminal in the world.

I simply can’t wrap my head around this story. The children who stayed in the cellar with their mother were recently exposed to the world. They’d never seen LIGHT before! It’s cruel beyond words. I am at a loss to understand this Herr Fritzl.