No matter where you’re headed for a week-long holiday this spring, there are a few things you definitely DON’T need to bring.

1. Your laptop. If you can’t go a week without updating your Facebook status or checking out Perez, it’s sad.  And if you can’t go a week in paradise without updating your Facebook status or checking Perez, it’s scary.

2. Your entire shoe collection. Shoes can take up the most room in your luggage, and if you’re heading to a beach resort, you really only need a pair of flip flops for the beach, a cute pair of strappy heels for partying, and a pair of sneakers for touristy excursions.  You’re not going to miss your knee-high boots.

3.  Your emotional baggage. You are still getting over a bad breakup, and think a spring break fling is the perfect solution.  It’s not.  You just found out you’re failing a class, and plan to drown your sorrows in poolside margaritas.  Bad idea.  Whatever’s stressing you out at home will continue to get you down over break, and mixing negativity with liquor might result in you slurring your problems to your fun-loving friends.  Just let it go.

4. Your inhibitions. You’re not the type to crack a beer at 10 a.m. or to stay out unil 4 a.m. on a Tuesday.  But that’s because you’re usually in the library.  There’s a reason you just dropped a G on a weeklong excursion to the Caribbean: no responsibilities!  Sure, you have to keep yourself safe, but it’s okay to let loose and have (more than) a little fun.

5.  Your stash of Mary Jane. There’s enough (legal) liquor flowing at the bars near your hotel.  Trying to hide drugs to clear security is risky, and the punishment for carrying illegal substances in a foreign country could be more than you bargained for.  Besides, baking out your hotel room will just waste some of the time you could spend sipping an ice cold Mai Tai on the beach.

6.  Your address book. I once promised everyone I knew a postcard from some awesome place I visited.  I ended up spending precious bar money, first on a bazillion post cards, and then on international postage.  As I wrote postcard after postcard, I got cramps in my hand and my well-intentioned salutations turned into generic “Wish you were here!” messages.  Screw the postcards (you’ll probably beat them home anyway), and have a photosharing party when you get home.

7.   Your crazy-expensive accessories. Seriously, a sundress will suffice at most spring break hotspots, and an over-the-top necklace or earrings will just weigh you down.  You don’t want to ruin your Coach bag at a foam party, and you don’t want something expensive targeting you as a muggable tourist.  You WILL survive without Louis Vuitton for a few days, I promise.

8.  Schoolwork. I’ll give you one book to (try to) read on the plane there and back, but once you’ve left for break, don’t even try to kid yourself.  You’re not going to get anything scholarly done. If you think you will, you’re only going to postpone your academic responsibilities, leave for break, and return to a panic attack when you realize a week’s worth of homework is due in twelve hours, and you’re too sunburned and hungover to begin.  Do your best to get everything done ahead of time so that when you come back on Sunday, you won’t have anything on the agenda except Rest and Recover.

What are you leaving behind on Spring Break?

[Photo courtesy of College Publisher.]

Phone sex. One of those taboos that’s so great, people are willing to pay $5.99 a minute just to get some. Of course, if you’re in a relationship, you can get it for free. But you haven’t, have you? Sure, phone sex might seem awkward at first, but under certain circusmtances, it can satisfy the carnal needs of you and your partner.What’s the big deal with phone sex, you ask. I mean, sure, I prefer a quality hump to a Cingular-shag, but sometimes, you’re horny and physical contact isn’t an option.

I lost my phone sex virginity when I was in a long-distance relationship. Actually, we were having phone sex long before we had actual intercourse, because my track record was a lot longer than my man’s and I was trying to be a “good girl” and take things slow, or some bullsh*t like that.

Anyway, you know all the fluff and butterflies that come when you have a new crush, or even better, a new boyfriend. I was really into this guy. I wanted him. Bad. But I was buried with school work, and wouldn’t be able to visit him for a week or two. One night, I called him, half in the bag and 100% horny. Obviously, the alcohol lowered my inhibitions, and I started talking dirty, telling him how much I wanted him…and the next thing I knew, BAM! Phone sex.

We started having phone sex on a fairly regular basis after that. I mean, we both wanted to be together, and this was the closest thing to “real” intimacy. AND it was satisfying! Without going TMI on you folks, I’d just like to tell you that there’s something really hot about knowing that you can get your partner off from hundreds of miles away. And there’s also something hot about hearing all the things he wants to do to you when he finally gets to wrap his arms around you.

Like I said, my phone sex relationship was long distance. Still, the phone sex brought us super close together, because there is a certain amount of trust (and an equally important amount of lust) required to be able to feel comfortable about breathing heavily into the phone.

If you are in a long-distance relationship, or if your mate has to travel, phone sex is awesome. Hell, even if you call him on his lunch break and tell him all the naughty thoughts going through your head, I’m pretty sure you’ll earn ten billion cool girlfriend points. Besides, it’s a great creative outlet. If you want to have good phone sex, you better come up with some freaky shit to whisper to your man. “I want you to get on top of me and do me missionary” is only hot for the five seconds it takes to spit the words out. But, if you get creative and detail-oriented, you will drive your man wild. And just thinking about all this raunchy stuff will do wonders for your own libido as well.

An added bonus? You can vividly describe sexual stuff so funky it would never work in real life…but you can live out any fantasy over the phone.

The perfect poolside addition to a summer afternoon

Coupon Clipping: not just for groceries anymore.

You mean it does more than make me lose my inhibitions, dinner and dignity?

If Gossip Girl gets canceled my life will be over.

Two more reasons to love Bret and Jemaine.

Do you think Lassie wore condoms?

Just grin and bear it, Tony.  …Or Poppa Joe will find a way to hunt you down.

5 Superhero movie scenes NOT coming to a theater near you.

Bootleg moonshine, courtesy of the Tufts class of 2012 (way to prioritize, guys!)