Getting to know someone else’s body is a learning process. Sometimes there’s a very steep curve, depending on level of intuitiveness, experience and communication. Some people can pick up cues far quicker and better than others and all is well, while sometimes…you’re laying on your back, staring at the ceiling and thinking of your to-do list for the next six months. Five behaviors I’ve had the displeasure of enjoying enduring are…

1. Sloppy kissing
Kissing is a truly crucial component of hooking up. In fact, I’d go so far as to call it a crucial life skill. While we all have different kissing styles, and sometimes they won’t align. Things like too much drool, excessive suction and a complete inability to find a good angle are obnoxious to endure.

2. Not wrapping it up
Guys who don’t take responsibility for their role in pregnancy and STD prevention are trouble. Not wearing a condom or pouting about wearing a condom is immature and disgusting. No, condoms are not absolutely ideal, but neither is gonorrhea or a baby. Part of being ready to have sex means being ready to take on the risk prevention that is necessary to have a stress free sex life.

3. A lack of appreciation
I love to feel…savored. When a guy looks like he could easily spend the rest of his life getting familiar with every part of my body, that is super arousing. On the other hand, when a guy looks like he’s phoning it in because he’s thinking about his fantasy football league and is quickly going through the motions, I become equally as disengaged.

4. Insecurity
We all get nervous when we’re nude. That’s totally understandable and normal. But asking every five seconds “Do you like this?”, “Is this okay?” and giving me lost puppy dog eyes is thoroughly unsexy. I used to do this too, and it wasn’t until I was on the other end that I realized how off-putting it is. Communication is good. Constantly needing validation is not.

5. No reciprocation
I love to give head. I truly do. I think it’s fun and I feel totally sexy and submissive when I do it. So it’s not like I only give head so I can get head in exchange. That said…it would be nice.  Some people have a fear of cunnilingus and I get that. The vaginal area is not quite as straightforward as a penis. But how would you ever learn if you don’t practice, right? When a guy doesn’t even make moves towards going down on me, I become incredibly self-conscious. I wonder if I smell or if I taste “bad.” That doesn’t exactly inspire a ton of self-confidence and it definitely doesn’t conjure up positive associations with my partner.

I want your input! What are your ultimate turn-offs?

Question?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Note To The Kids: I get several emails a week asking me to respond personally on email. I won’t do it. Stop asking.

Now back to your regularly scheduled column.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Do you still want chivalry?

Hollywood’s classic hunk turns 50

Want to see where Rihanna lives?

If you didn’t think Kathie Lee and Hoda were crazy before…

Why am I so insecure and how can I fix it?

Just a little Friday night cuteness

A pretty horrifying mugshot

Ask Tuffy Luv at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and maybe she will do you a mitzvah?

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So I have been with my boyfriend for two years, and we were best friends for four years before that. (I know many people say it isn’t good to date your best friend, but when he officially asked me out he said he’d wanted to when we first met, but he stopped himself because I’d just come out of a rough relationship.)

I love him very much and I can’t imagine being with any other guy. But lately (read: the past year and a half) I have felt that he is slowly losing the feelings he’s had for me in the past. It’s just the way he acts when we go out. He seems to have a radar for girls with all the better versions of the things on my body that I’m self conscious about. I don’t know if that made sense. What I mean is that he checks out a lot of women in front of me, and it makes me feel more and more self conscious about myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I think I have my moments when all is well and I’m the hottest thing known to man. Every girl gets those amazing confident days. But more and more my confidence is shot to pieces, especially when we go out together (curse summer weather and the scantily clad women that come with it). Later he’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous (not in a negative tone of voice – more of the “That’s ridiculous, I love your body” sort of way).

I’ve talked to him about it, and I’ve told him that it seriously hurts me to go for a walk with him, or out to lunch and see him stare down some gorgeous girl right in front of me mid-conversation. He said it’s natural and that’s just how guys work. And believe me, I KNOW what it’s like to see some yummy Mario Lopez look alike jogging down the street, but I would never go as far as to gawk at every one that passes by, especially in my boyfriend’s company. I don’t know what to do. I feel really… I don’t even know. Hurt? Angry? But underneath that, I feel like I’m this unattractive obstacle to him and what he really wants/needs.

Sincerely,
Should I Buy Him Blinders?

PS: I don’t think he’s shallow, it’s just I think he’s lying to me and himself about what he finds attractive by being with me.

Dear Blinders,

Honey, I am seriously worried about your self esteem.

Okay, first of all, as your advice columnist, I feel that I gotta tell you: You’re driving him to this behavior. By constantly telling him that you’re unattractive, you are basically forcing him to see you that way. The guy likes you, kid! Why are you telling him he doesn’t?!

I mean, you said it yourself–before this guy, you were in a rough relationship. I’m just taking a guess here that Former Boyfriend told you you were unattractive. Uh huh.

And your subject line, which I won’t post here in case you meant it to be confidential, is INCREDIBLY self-defeating. I mean, are you kidding me?! Girl, you have GOT to grow a pair. Seriously. You are doing yourself no favors.

First of all, I seriously doubt he is looking at women because he thinks they look better than you. You seem to be very preoccupied with yourself and your body. No one is looking at you as closely as you are! Seriously. Everyone is busy worrying about how THEY look. You’ve got to start trying to look at yourself objectively. What is it about your body that you don’t like? Are they things that only you would notice? Probably. If there are things you really don’t like, what can you do about them? Would exercising more help? Easy little health fixes are never a bad thing.

But the bigger issue is this: You can’t expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself. I know it’s cliche and bloop bloop bloop, but it really is true.

So here’s what I want you to do:

Every morning, write down three things you like about yourself. THERE MUST BE AT LEAST THREE. Every night, write down three things you’re proud of yourself for that you did that day. Then read all six things and look yourself in the mirror and smile. DO THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY for at least a month. I guarantee you’ll start to appreciate yourself more.

In the meantime, your boy’s rubbernecking has got to stop. Instead of constantly whining to him that you feel like he’s not attracted to you, have one important sit down. Tell him that this behavior has GOT to stop, that you simply can’t have it. From then on, flirt with him. Feel good about yourself. Find yourself attractive and let him know it. And if he looks at other girls, call him out on it in a JOKING way instead of nagging his ash off. Unless, of course, you WANT him to stop liking you.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

"I never want to be apart from you. Ever ever.

Brace yourself, ladies: We are now entering Break up Season. According to a study released in 2007 by Yahoo!, this little span of time between the December holidays and Valentine’s Day happens to be the period when most couples head to Splitsville. (Geez – Is it really that bad to have to buy someone some roses?!)

I don’t know about you, but it took me a really long to find a guy I can stand to spend more than 10 minutes with, so I’m willing to do just about anything to make sure we make it through February and beyond. Well, not anything; I’m not giving up SATC reruns or scooping peanut butter out of the jar for anybody. Not even the boyf.

In order to help you keep your relationship in working order as well, I’m here to clue you in on 8 surefire ways to KILL that fabulous relationship you’ve got goin’ on. Engage in any of these flame-squelching behaviors and you’ll be ladeling out that Edy’s Slow Churned in front of the TV all by your lonesome come V-Day.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

1. Talk about wanting babies. College guys are only thinking about four B’s: booze, bongs, boobs and birth control.

2. Talk to your mom about him…and tell him about it. This is how it works in his head: Talking to your mother about him = you think you’re getting married…and he runs away. Screaming. Trust me on this one.

3. Living together too soon. I’ve seen a lot of otherwise happy couples turn into raging lunatics once they decide to shack up; even spending too much time at each other’s houses can turn into a nightmare. Just think about it: nothing about shopping for toilet paper together screams romance.

4. Texting ALL THE TIME. Constant communication is really not necessary to maintain a relationship. In fact, it can be the thing that kills one. I understand wanting to be a part of your boyfriend’s life, but is his day-to-day (or the few hours you don’t see him) really that exciting? I’ve come to realize there is a formula for college guy’s lives and it goes a little something like this: Wake up. Poop. Shower. Go to class. Eat. Poop again. Work. Get drunk. Sleep. Repeat. If you don’t talk to him for a few hours, you’re not really missing much. (And, come on, do you really want him texting you from the bathroom?)

5. Obsessing over your ex. Nobody likes to hear about anybody else’s ex. Your friends don’t even wanna hear you obsess about him – do you think your boyfriend will?

6. Inviting him home to meet your family. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT invite anyone home with you until you are absolutely 100% sure that you are in an actual relationship. Luda summed it up best: “Don’t wanna meet your mama, just want to make you…” Inviting the frat boy you drunkenly (and sloppily) made out with last weekend to meet your pops will stop whatever chance there ever was at blossoming romance. (There is a chance, right??)

7. Trying to be “One of the Guys.” It’s awesome if you two can share some interests – watch football together, or something – but it’s another thing to try to weasel your way into every Poker Night, Taco Tuesday or Wacky Wednesday get-together. Everybody needs time with their own kind every once in awhile. Just like you wouldn’t care to have him come along to get a pedi with your friends (and would be slightly worried if he agreed), he doesn’t need you there to enjoy “Toozday Boozday” with the guys.

8. Jealousy and Insecurity. On a more serious note, jealousy and insecurity is the NUMBER ONE relationship killer. If you’re not totally convinced that you’re a bad *ss chick with sassiness to spare, how can your guy believe it?

I’m sure there are plenty more ways to kill relationships (and I’ve probably tried them all!) What are some relationship killers you’ve witnessed?

What is he thinking?!

Got a little question for Tuffy Luv? She’s got a little answer for you! Email questions to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for a chance to be featured in the Tuffster’s column.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So, I have a cozy, late-night nookie friend.

We’re not overly compatible in the sobering light of day, and we’re both unusually insecure, so the unspoken rule seems to be every couple of weeks or more. Emails are sporadic and sweet, for reasons that any of you who’ve ever binged on ice cream before or heard the chorus of the Elliott Smith song “Ballad of Big Nothing” will know.

I disappeared this summer, so falling back into a routine feels like navigating the bumpy straits of first acquaintance all over again. We’ve only seen each other three times this fall, but a few weeks ago, maybe moved by birthday drinks or the card that I sent him, he sent me an email telling me to barge in whenever I felt like it.

Yesterday I favorited three of his photos on flickr after he sent me a link to them (I don’t do much favoriting or flickring), did some back-and-forthing on gmail (felt reminiscent of my lame puppy crush days), and took off on my bike for his house after he invited me to come over and continue the conversation in person. I didn’t send him any kind of confirmation message, figuring it would be a nicer surprise just to show up.

All his lights were on, but he wasn’t there.

Asleep? Passed out? Gone for a walk? I called and left a short, gloomy message lacking in the appropriate nonchalance. Then I went home.

Now I just feel kind of embarrassed. Should I be?

Yours,
Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Tuffy can’t help but be moved by the eloquence and odd self-referentialism of your letter. So, let’s do this.

Quickly, to get it out of the way: No, I don’t think you should be embarrassed. He invited you over. You showed up (albeit, unannounced). He wasn’t prepared. (Perhaps, as you say, he was asleep? Or maybe he was just nakey or something and was too flustered to get it together to come greet you at the door.) I think this was just a minor mis-communication. Sometimes surprises don’t work out that well. No big deal.

I also don’t think you should be embarrassed by the overly-enthusiastic message you say you left. He’s probably, in fact, already called you back at the time of this posting. If not, perhaps he was just too shy to return it.

Which brings me to what I actually want to say about your letter. I’m mostly worried about the idea that the two of you are “both unusually insecure.” Because, you know, that’s actually exactly what’s holding you back.

For those of you who do not have access to either the CollegeCandy Tuffy Luv email or Rachel’s computer, the subject of the email was: “overthinking my friendship with benefits?” To that end, girl, yes, you are. At least the way things are going now. You hook up every couple of weeks and that’s that.

But!

You seem to actually like each other (birthday cards, sweet emails, Flickr favoriting or whatever you crazy kids are doing these days), so I don’t see why you aren’t dating. You both seem to be clumsily attempting to move into that space, but both of your insecurities are getting in the way. It’s like college-age Woody Allens trying to date each other. And you seem like such a cool girl, so I hate to see that go down.

Unfortch, there’s no magic potion for getting over being insecure. Except, you know, getting older and ceasing to worry that people are judging you. Because usually they’re too busy judging themselves. And if they are judging you, chances are they’re too miserable to really matter.

So: cut that shiz out!!! Get over yourself and call him up and propose a hangout. If it doesn’t work out, whatever – it’s not like you’ll be losing some great friendship. But if it does work out, well, wouldn’t that be nice?

Best, Rach!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

A friend sent me this post last week and asked me what I thought about it. Being a very sarcastic (and witty, if I do say so myself) person, I got scared. And embarassed. An angry. “Yeah, cuz this loser knows what he’s talking about.”

Woops; that was just more unfeminine sarcasm.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the strong opinions the author held and wondered if they were his alone, or if all the men I have ever liked (and not dated) felt the same. Do guys find women who are sarcastic unattractive? Is sarcasm the unibrow of a woman’s personality (hence the photo)? I asked a guy:

I’ve always been The Fat Kid who was constantly teased because my thighs were bigger than everyone else’s.

Even after puberty blessed me with hips and boobs to help evenly distribute my weight (thank you, puberty!), my big girl classification never left. In fact, it still dangles over my head as a constant reminder that I’ll never be small. I still never feel 100% comfortable in anything I wear and – despite having several flings and one serious boyfriend – the thought of talking to a guy makes my throat close up and my heart beat like crazy.

Instead of obssesing over my weight, I recently decided to learn to live with my curves and stop cursing them (even though I would like to change some things about my body for health reasons). While putting away clothes at my job at a retail giant I came across a gorgeous solid indigo bikini with with crystal accents. I couldn’t put it down. I just had. to. have. it.

So, I did.

I ventured home and slipped it on, checking myself out in the mirror. I felt beautiful. Sure my belly pooch was visible for all the world to see, but I felt like a goddess. It was exhilarating and exciting and….beautiful.

So ladies, let go of all those bodies insecurities and pull out that bikini or mini dress you’ve been dying to wear (just make sure it actually fits). Your body – no matter what size – is beautiful and you will see that when you put it on.

And, for those of you who have been rocking the bikini forever, the next time you and a group of friends are ready to giggle as you pass that so called “beached whale” donning a two piece, think about how confident she is and hope that one day you’ll actually posses an ounce of pride that she has for looking like a real woman.

Three nights ago, as I’m spooning in bed with my ex-boyfriend/current fling (the lines are a little blurred), he, out of the blue, drops a line that no ex-girlfriend ever wants to hear spoken about herself: he called me crazy.

I was speechless. Everything had being going rather well all night: I looked super-hot, we were flirting like mad and we had just engaged in a no-fuss, delicious two-hour romp on his blow-up mattress, resulting in the big “O” for both parties.

And then he had to go and ruin our post-coital snuggle session with the dreaded “C” word.

Now, let me set the record straight. This is definitely not the first time a male in my life has called me crazy. Everyone from my dad and brother to my high school gym teacher has felt the need to express their opinion about my level of sanity.

I can’t deny that maybe, they were right to drop the C-bomb. Let’s just say that high school was rough for me. I was involved in a serious relationship, which led me to act like a serious fool. I yelled really loud, pushed really hard and generally caused extreme amounts of unnecessary stress for everyone involved in my life. But hey, I was sixteen, riding high off the fumes of sweet adolescent hormones, and I didn’t think – I just DID.

Of course, douchebag ex-boyfriend heard all the juicy details of my teenage drama during our first year of dating. I mean, if I had to endure all the pain and horror – it was only fair that I pass it onto him, right? (Note: I realize now this was a huge mistake and that some skeletons really are better kept in the closet – forever.) So, after I got upset about a girl attempting to kiss him in front of me after a little too much jungle juice, he decided it was time to break out the one insult he knew would cut straight to the heart.

Okay, back up and let’s examine this. I don’t have a Psych minor for nothing.

Recently, a fellow CC blogger discussed the legit-ness of the idea that “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I’m here to tell you that cheating is not the only habit that can be broken, so is psychotic-obsessive-crazy girlfriend syndrome.

I was psycho/obsessive/crazy because I was one thing and one thing only (and it wasn’t crazy). It was insecure. I was blatantly, unabashedly wearing my insecurity on my sleeve, much like Brit or LiLo. I didn’t really know or understand that I was insecure, but all of my behavior stemmed from the little insecurity seed that had at some point sprouted in my impressionable brain.

So, many years (and cocktails, therapy sessions, The Secret-esque books,, and Positivity Blog entries) later, I find that a lot of my craziness has kind of…vanished. Poof. No more obsessively calling my boyfriend twenty times when he doesn’t answer. No more late-night drive by’s of his apartment to see if there is a girly-looking car in the driveway. No more incessant complaining and/or crying when a boy doesn’t respond to my every beck and call.

Nope. I, my friends, am cured. I am secure. I am confident. I am happy. I am whole. And most importantly, I am NOT f-ing crazy!

Some people (namely, the douchebag ex) will argue that craziness is something that doesn’t completely go away. And maybe, to an extent, this is true. I think we all have a certain amount of craziness in us. But, thankfully, L-O-V-E is probably the only thing that brings it out in most of us – and only if we let it.

But, for the most part, I don’t see myself engaging in crazy behaviors – at least to the level I did before – ever again. I have realized that if a stupid boy makes me feel crazy, or makes me feel that I need to act crazy, he is just not worth it. My sanity is much more important than some relationship that is (obviously) not even worth fighting for.

I encourage all of you to let go of all the ‘labels’, all the names you might have been called over the years – whether that be crazy, slutty, weird, prude, whatever – because in the end, we can all change. As humans, our personalities and our behaviors are not set in stone. Yes, it can be hard to change. But if you want something – you can have it. And remember, the labels other people give us mean absolutely nothing if we know in our hearts what we really are.

So, I let the douchebag ex call me crazy. I bit my tongue and pulled the covers slightly tighter around my body, letting him know that whatever other activities he had planned were officially cancelled…and let him whine and moan and complain. And, frankly, act a little crazy himself.

Funny how the tables can turn.

[photo from the talent pool company]

Single White Female

It’s natural for friends to take on certain personality traits from spending so much time together. Similar phrases are shared, personal style melds and becomes less personal, and dislikes are much more likable if your BFF sings its praises and persuades you unwittingly while doing so. Those things are natural.

So when I complained about having my personality hijacked by a close friend, a much more forgiving friend advised that, “Imitation is the greatest form of flattery.”

Well, I think that’s bullsh*t.

Imitation is scary and frankly, quite annoying. Buying the same bag, not a big deal. Asking where I purchased my shoes (which, yes, are AMAZING) totally understandable–I was just lucky enough to find them first. Saying “word” just like me every time I mean to say “yes”, understandable (yes is overrated). Getting my same hair cut (bangs included) after saying you’d never be able to pull it off, IS ANNOYING. Plagiarizing entire paragraphs of my stories, my jokes and my soul, is just straight vexatious.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Whether it’s insecurity or admiration, being anyone other than yourself is a pointless activity. You do “you” best. So be who you are, adore and cherish your friends qualities, adapt what you learn from them and make it your own. Share with each other but don’t become each other, or you’ll never know all of the great things you already possess, that are possess-able.

[Been in relationship with a copy cat? Do tell!]