Just last week I was praising the genius who invented online dating. But, like most things (and people) I interact with in this world, I have a few issues with the online quest for love. What can I say? One of my favorite hobbies is finding fault in everything around me.

Don’t get me wrong; I love online dating. I love searching for love in my underwear. I love using emoticons to convey my feelings. And I love avoiding the smoky bars and the usually-shady characters that flock to them. But, there are a few glaring errors present in the world of online dating that I can do without.

Spelling/Grammar Issues: Maybe it’s just me, but nothing pisses me off more than someone who doesn’t know the difference between your/you’re and their/there/they’re. Except, maybe, someone who misspells common words (probibly? Freinds?)

All my years of writing and editing have made me some sort of grammar snob; simply seeing the errors on the screen makes my skin crawl. You can imagine what it does to my feelings about potential suitors, then, when I “meet” a guy and he repeatedly uses “there” instead of “their.” I know it seems totally ridiculous, but this really is a huge deal breaker for me.

Like the end of a potentially wonderful relationship.

Personality Self Assessments: Most dating sites I have been to ask you to set up a profile. In addition to a few open-ended questions, personal profiles include sections where you pick stuff from a list. You know, what kinds of food you eat, what you do for fun, personality traits.

While I find it easy to choose my favorite cuisine from a list (Um, EVERYTHING), picking out my personality traits in a list is hard. But that isn’t even my biggest issue with the choices; my real issue is that “humorous” or “witty” is an option. And that every guy thinks he is both humorous and witty. Being the hilariously (and don’t forget sexy) woman that I am, I find it imperative that I date someone who can make me laugh.

So, it gets a little disheartening when a guy considers himself funny because he happens to quote funny things other people said. In movies. Or when he reuses the same joke. Every day. And is painfully unfunny.

The First Date: First dates are always awkward, but there is an added level of uncomfortable-ness when you feel like you really know someone and just so happen to be meeting them for the first time. It is sad yet true that the first few minutes of an internet first date are spent sizing up the other person and comparing them to the few picture thumbnails they posted in their profile.

Once you decide that they are balder/fatter/pimplier than they were online, you are then forced to spend the rest of the date pretending to have fun. And figuring out a way to avoid them on AIM the next day. If they still look good there is still the pressure of finding things to talk about.

Sometimes, this can be easy. But sometimes you sit down with the person only to realize that your 2 weeks of online chatting have covered just about every topic you could come up with. And then, again, you must figure out a way to avoid them on AIM the next day.

At the end of the day there is no perfect way to find love. Despite its flaws, though, I still think internet dating comes pretty damn close. Sure meeting someone in a bar keeps me from really knowing if they understand the difference between to/too/two, but I can’t go to the bar in my underwear. Or meet that guy while catching up on yet another America’s Next Top Model marathon.

But whatever, those days are gone (I swear) and I digress. My point is that after you hit a certain age and you haven’t grown out of it, you’ll always be a huge nerd. (And I don’t mean me.) So why this is now my problem? Well in the past two years since I became legal, my dad’s sadly overweight, still-single at 50 computer nerd friends have reared their ugly heads and have started to use what seems like the same lame pick-up attempts their younger counterparts try on me all the time.

Suddenly I’m getting IMs from men I once thought of as weird but kind uncles (one of them actually IS step-mother’s brother), and it’s not, “hey kiddo, how’s school? Keep up the great work!” No, instead, this is the kind of message I can expect:

Dad’s Friend: So I want to take you out to dinner sometime so we can catch up!

Me: Oh I’m sorry, but I’m staying with my mom this summer so I’m not in town!

Me: But hey, why don’t you take my dad out!

Me: Even though I know he’s not as cool as me … lol

Dad’s Friend: Yeah, or as nice to look at .

AH! If that’s not enough he then sends me a FAR away picture of himself after asking for one of me. Like I don’t know what his old, ugly ass looks like. Still, this occasion wasn’t as precious as this one with my step-uncle:

Uncle: I’d love to come up sometime and visit you in the city.

Me: Yeah, sure Uncle D! I’d love to see Ali and Spencer! (My kid step-cousins)

Uncle: Yeah well I could come up another time with them too.

Uncle: And just call me Dave. I’m not really your uncle you know. : )

So what’s the deal? Have my boobs blocked the memory of me with food down the front of my princess dress as I screamed the ABC’s as loud as possible in the middle of their conversations? Or am I just projecting a general uneasiness with the way older adult men at bars treat me onto my dad’s old friends who may very well just be trying to treat me like an adult? Even so I feel like there’s a line, when it comes to your best friend’s daughter, between former Dungeon Master and a date that they’re just not feeling. So how does one deal? I’m just putting up a permanent away message and opting for just a pat on the back instead of a hug at family functions.

OMG! No U Ddnt!

I’ve never been the biggest fan of text messaging. I still have one of those phones where you have to press a thousand different keys get the letters you want, and since everything is so damn small, squinting is the only way to make sure I’m saying the right things.

Plus, I’ve never understood why someone would text instead of call unless A) they’re somewhere that inhibits phone usage or B) they don’t want to hear the other person’s voice.

These opinions of mine are in the minority, though. I’m well aware of how much this country is in love with text messaging. Just like that crazy AOL Instant Messenger took hold of my generation years ago, text messaging is slowly becoming our primary form of communication as well as a way to make shitloads of cash.

It isn’t all good, however. A few people are worried that text messaging is making us stupid. According to some, there is a part of academia that believes our skills in the area of abbreviation and quick fingers are seriously infringing our paper writing abilities. Technology has such a big impact on us, they suggest, that soon we won’t be able to differentiate between a tiny cell phone screen and a 15 page research paper.

I understand their fear, and maybe an idiot here and there might try to sneak a few “LOLs” and “IMOs” into a paper, but worrying that an entire country of young people is slowly succumbing to text speak is a bit schizophrenic. Dumb people are going to write dumb things no matter what year it is. I’m sure there were losers in 1440 scrawling incomprehensible sentences on their chalk slates—should we have blamed the invention of the printing press for that?

I think it’s safe to say that you can continue texting without the fear of bad grammar and spelling slowly seeping into your brain. Just because you take shortcuts on your Verizon Mobile doesn’t mean you’re going to suddenly and inexplicably start typing “U” instead of “You”. Unless you’re stupid. If you’re stupid…well, be afraid.

B Vry Afrd!

Case in point: