What a bitch. Seriously, the next time you see her you are going to open a major can of whoop ass and tell her everything that is on your mind: she’s a crappy friend, you can’t trust her, and those jeans you told her you liked? Yeah, they make her look FAT!

You sit in your room waiting for her to come home, stewing. Each passing minute brings out more and more anger, and you think of more things you can’t wait to say to her. You have never been this angry. You are afraid she is going to cry. You have been waiting to say these things for a long time and there is no telling how it is all going to go down.

You hear her come home. She drops her things and comes and finds you in your room.

“Hey!” She says, in that annoyingly chipper tone.

“Hey,” you reply.

“What’s up?”

“Nothin’, just studying. How was your day?” So, you chicken out. She just looks so normal and happy and you don’t know how to verbally bitch slap someone to her face. You know she doesn’t mean to be a bad friend, and you feel bad unleashing all that anger on her. And having to watch her reaction.

She starts talking about your other friends and the things they are saying about you, and you begin getting angry again. How could you not confront her?! But you can’t. Not to her face. She eventually makes her way back to her own room and signs online.

You see her name pop up on your Facebook chat list and that is when you let it all out.

“You know how I said I was fine? Well I’m not fine! You are a crappy friend….”

Sure, she was just in your room. Yeah, she can hear you tapping your foot through the wall. Ok, so you couldn’t say this stuff to her face; it is just so much easier online! Why have to tell her something to her face when you can hide behind your MacBook and not have to see her reactions? There is nothing wrong with doing it this way, is there? You will get it all out and then have the make up hug in person; it’s basically the same thing.

Actually, it’s better. You are getting it all off your chest and this way you have time to think about what you want to say and feel so much more comfortable saying it online. You’re protected and safe making you much less likely to pussy out of saying what’s really on your mind, and you can do it all with sad/angry music playing in the background to set the mood. (Try doing that while talking to someone face to face.) Plus, there are emoticons, which are basically like talking to someone in person. Right? Right. Anyways, you do everything else online (like shopping, researching and telling boys you like them), so why not this?

Eventually, fingers cramped and armpits sweaty, you say what you need to say. She says what she needs to say. You both throw a few “XOXO smiley face” IMs in there and it’s over. You both get up from your computers, meet in the kitchen for a snack and carry on as if nothing ever happened.

—

Don’t worry; you’re not alone. In fact, I’ve got the Kings of Leon blaring as I’m having an online fight with my BFF right this second. In 2011, I feel it’s the only way to go.

While the scientists behind the study link depression to the amount of time spent in a virtual world, I have a few of my own theories as to why the Internet is making us all very, very sad.

1: Checking on the Ex.  If you are about to say that you have never fallen prey to Facebooking our ex you’d better grab a fire extinguisher, because your pants are on fire.  After a break-up, as detailed by Ted Mosby on “How I Met Your Mother,” there is a clear winner and a clear loser.  And of course, you want your ex to be the loser.  So you’ll casually click on his Facebook, just to see how he’s doing (i.e. hopefully read a bunch of depressing status updates regarding his horrible life since you guys broke up, maybe some encouraging wall posts from his friends trying in vain to get him out of his depression of knowing that there was no one else for him than you…) and what do you find? NEW PICTURES OF HIM AND SOME GIRL?!  IT’S ONLY BEEN A WEEK!  WHO IS THIS “JESSICA”??!  You click through the entire album at least twice, only to find that this little witch is now apparently dating your vile ex, and (after a small amount of clicking) she’s just gorgeous and cool and perfect.  <Insert depressing Status Update here.>

2: Online Shopping. You avoid the expensive stores in the mall because you know you can’t afford them, but there’s no avoiding that amazing Botkier bag or Louboutin pump that you happen to come across while absentmindedly surfing the web in lecture. And seeing it there, taunting you with its beauty, sends you into a deep fit of depression when you know you can’t afford it.

3: Hey, I’m Doing So Much Better Than You! Even though you know that Facebook trawling is just as harmful as it is helpful (if not more so), you still can’t stay away.  So you see in your Newsfeed that one of your old classmates is putting up pictures from their trip abroad this summer.  Oh it’s no big deal – they just spent a month in Paris in cafes and then trekked down to the coast of the Mediterranean and spent a couple of weeks on the beach.  Oh and there another friend spent, like, two months surfing in Australia.  And this friend over here just changed their work info; oh they’re just casually working at NYLON now…while you are currently in a snow covered dorm boiling water on the sly for oatmeal.  Depression.

4: WHAT TIME IS IT?! You may think that the internet is just good for killing time between things that you’re doing, but what if those other activities become the things that you’re using to kill time between your Internet time?  It starts with Facebook (everything starts with Facebook now); you’re just casually clicking around, “catching up” with friends and, suddenly, you happen to catch the time. “How is it possible that I’ve been on Facebook for an hour?” But then you feel the need to start catching up on shows you missed last night on Hulu, which shouldn’t take long since these shows are only about 20 minutes long. But then you happen to glance at the clock again and, “ARE YOU KIDDING? HOW DID I LOSE TWO MORE HOURS ON THIS NONSENSE?!”  And now you’re depressed and anxious because all of this mindless clicking means you missed out on everything. Including writing that paper, which will now have you up all night.

5: What social interaction? Admit it: you’ve IMed someone in the same room as you. If that’s not depressing, I don’t know what is.

You know that really annoying friend of yours who feels the incessant need to point out that they were the first to know about a now really popular band? Every. single. time. it comes on the radio?

As annoying as they are, there is something exciting about the knowing of a new band, new clothing brand, great sale, awesome book or recipe, and sharing it with the ones you love. And by ones you love, I mean the ones you go back and forth with right here on the CollegeCandy message boards.

So here’s the deal: every week, we will feature 3 things that YOU think other CollegeCandy readers just have to know about. Anything at all. Nothing is off limits.

Pumkin Pie Hershey Kisses
By now, you probably know my over-the-top love for Pumpkin Spice from Starbucks. In fact, one of the only things I like about fall is pumpkin flavored things, so imagine my sheer delight when CollegeCandy’s equally pumpkin-obsessed editor sent me the image of these pumpkin pie Hershey kisses. We then proceeded to go back and forth on G-chat for ten minutes obsessing over them. It went a little something like this:

Me: O. M. G.!!!
CC Editor: I KNOW, I’M DYING JUST LOOKING AT THEM
ME: OMG. I mean, I just peed my pants a little, I hope my boss doesn’t notice.
CC Editor: OMGEE. Must. Try. These. Yesterday.

And so it went, and even though neither of us has tried them yet, we knew that you all just had to know. And now you do. And now I can go buy some. Saweet.

All Nighter Hair Powder
Fact is, I’m lazy. And since my Jewish genes blessed me with Jew fro curls that take foreva-eva to wear straight, I don’t like to wash my hair unless absolutely necessary. Problem: the bangs always look greasy before the rest of my hair needs to be washed. Yeah, we’ve all heard of tossing a little baby powder up in there, but it’s no fan favorite, unless, of course, you are playing the part of crazy grandma in your 8th grade play, or want to smell like a baby’s bottom all day. Well, now there’s an answer. And its not just ANY answer – it’s a Rachel Zoe answer, which means it’s good.

Our favorite fashion troll says she’s addicted to All Nighter Hair Powder/Dry Shampoo. It can fit in your purse AND it comes in multiple shades so the powder soaks up the grease while blending in with your hair. Amazing for those mornings when you’re tired and lazy, or those emergency situations when your hair is stuck to your head but you are running late from cute boy’s apartment to not so cute Bio lecture…

Ping iPhone Application
I don’t have an iPhone or a Blackberry but this prospect still excited me. Everyone I know that has a Blackberry says the ONLY reason why they have it over an iPhone is for those 3 letters we all hear wayyy too much: BBM. While to me BBM is just that annoying thing that keeps my friends from paying attention to me when we are together, to Blackberry users it is more important than breathing. Or cupcakes. Yes I said it – more important than cupcakes. It’s addicting and people don’t want to part with it. They don’t call it the Crackberry for nothing.

But now, our friends at apple have developed a nearly-free iPhone app that serves the same purpose! Ping is just like our beloved BBM with a hint of instant messenger combined. And the best part? It doesn’t discriminate against iPhone users only – those with an iPod Touch can take part in the F-U-N that is totally not paying attention in your English lit class. And it’s $0.99. I mentioned that, right? Less than a buck!

Email your “The Know” ideas to Jill@collegecandy.com and I’ll pass them along to everyone right here, right now. Well, not right now, but soon. Like, every Thursday.

Yes, I realize I’m totally dating myself here.

Anyways, AOL was the coolest thing ever back then and your screenname said a lot about you. Especially to all those random “friends” you made in the AOL chatrooms. You know you joined me in “I Love Nickelodeon 65″; don’t lie.

I changed my screenname more often than I changed my clothes (I was a little tom boyish back then…and changing my SN wasn’t a big deal when I had 2 friends online). First it was SpiceGrl321, then Whateva321, then DiamondBaby. Then I had TenTap for awhile. It was a combination of my favorite pastimes – tennis and tap – as well as an online best friend necklace with my two besties who had TenDan (tennis and dance), and TenAno (tennis and piano). We were so cool.

In highschool – when my BFFs became BFNs (best friends for never) – I switched it up to something a little more mature that I knew I could hold onto for awhile. Because, you know, BeanieBaby1000 would be a little embarassing for anyone over the age of 12.

I’ve been talking to some friends lately and reminiscing on our old AOL days and everyone has the same story as me. Embarassing screennames, family screennames (remember when you had to share with your parents and the name was some weird combo of all your initials?), and the constantly evolving screenname.

I just want to know: what were your old school, embarassing AOL names?

Do you still use the same one?

Has your BSB4Ever@AOL.com email address hindered your job hunt?

Share it all in the comments below.

Your best friend totally stabbed you in the back…again. You don’t even know why you are friends with her anymore. Ok, so she is really fun to go out with and is the best person to lay in bed and watch a movie with, but the back stabbing and sh*t-talking has got to stop.

What a bitch. Seriously, the next time you see her you are going to open a major can of whoop ass and tell her everything that is on your mind: she’s a crappy friend, you can’t trust her, and those jeans you told her

you liked? Yeah, they make her look FAT!

You sit in your room waiting for her to come home, stewing. Each passing minute brings out more and more anger, and you think of more things you can’t wait to say to her. You have never been this angry. You are afraid she is going to cry. You have been waiting to say these things for a long time and there is no telling how it is all going to go down.

You hear her come home. She drops her things and comes and finds you in your room.

“Hey!” She says, in that annoyingly chipper tone.

“Hey,” you reply.

“What’s up?”

“Nothin’, just studying. How was your day?” So, you chicken out. She just looks so normal and happy and you don’t know how to verbally bitch slap someone to her face. You know she doesn’t mean to be a bad friend, and you feel bad unleashing all that anger on her. And having to watch her reaction.

She starts talking about your other friends and the things they are saying about you, and you begin getting angry again. How could you not confront her?! But you can’t. Not to her face. She eventually makes her way back to her own room and signs online.

You see her name pop up on your buddy list and that is when you let it all out.

“You know how I said I was fine? Well I’m not fine! You are a crappy friend….”

Sure, she was just in your room. Yeah, she can hear you tapping your foot through the wall. Ok, so you couldn’t say this stuff to her face; it is just so much easier online! Why have to tell her something to her face when you can hide behind your MacBook and not have to see her reactions? There is nothing wrong with doing it this way, is there? You will get it all out and then have the make up hug in person; it’s basically the same thing!

And this is better, anyway. You are getting it all off your chest – you have time to think about what you want to say and feel so much more comfortable saying it online. You do everything else online (like tell boys you like them), so why not this?

Don’t worry; we’ve all convinced ourselves of the very same things before. The online fight? We’ve all been there.

I’ve written about my various issues with Facebook before, but the improper use of the Facebook status now tops my list of things that drive me crazy.I don’t believe in Facebook statuses (stati?). I find 93% of them unnecessary and the other 7% contradictory. What am I supposed to think when someone’s Facebook status says they’re doing work ALL night, their away message says they’re wasted, and their Gmail status says they love the new Beyonce song? Where do I even try to start a conversation? Should I meet them in the library at 4 a.m with a tray of shots and the lyrics to “If I Were a Boy”?

But that’s not even my biggest concern with the Facebook Status. My issue is the “IS.” Over a year ago Facebook removed the obligatory “IS” from the status. But every day (Ok, 3 times a day) I sign on and people are not only still using the “IS,” but they are using it incorrectly:

Gena is CoUlD iT bE aNy CoLdeR?

Mallory is LOST MY PHONE. LOL.

Sharon is HAHA Beverly Hills chihuahua was soooo funny.

Yes, I am kinda a grammar snob, but come on people! The problem is so easy to fix:

1. If you just love the “IS” so much that you can’t live without it, then add a few more words.

Gena is curious to know if it could be any colder

2. Delete the “IS”

Mallory lost her phone. LOL.

3. Reconsider posting a status that reflects badly on yourself

Sharon has no status.

Even though I will never like the Facebook status, I will always appreciate a grammatically correct one. Bonus points if it’s funny.

Join CollegeCandy’s Facebook group. We promise that all of our status messages are error free!

Forget the girl with her heart on her sleeve; wear your uterus on your undies?

Some men are really, really desperate.

Katie Perry eats it on national TV.

Now everyone can look like Heidi Klum. Well, sorta.

Joe the Plumber and Joe Six Pack chat it up.

The greatest college pranks…ever.

Columbia gets erotic.

Travis Barker is out of the hospital!

The most delicious iPhone.

Professor trading cards? It’s real!

But what’s a girl to do about sex?!?!

I’ve done the one night stands….not fun. For me it just leads to awkwardness and, in some cases, physical pain. But somehow in the craziness that was my freshman year, I found the wonderful relationship called the Friend with Benefits (or as a friend from home calls them, a bene-friend), who somehow became one of my best friends.

It all started when the girl across the hall decided to introduce me to one of her friends from high school. She thought we’d really hit it off, and surprisingly enough, we did! He was funny, cute, smart, and a total gentleman, which pretty much sums up my qualifications. But this was a week before we’d leave for semester break, so we didn’t really do anything. Until February.

I hadn’t heard from the boy since December and upon logging into Facebook I found unread message from him. Yay! I wrote him back. He wrote me back. We laughed. We exchanged screennames. We started talking on AIM. Then one night we had dinner. Next thing I know we’re laying in my bed naked. I’ll admit, I didn’t want to, but he really did and I still thought he was ridiculously cute, so I had sex with him.

And kept having sex with him. I couldn’t help myself! Lord knows I can’t turn down amazing sex, and believe me, that’s what it was.

Well, about a month in, he drops the bomb; he tells me that he sees me more as a friend and doesn’t want to ruin the friendship like he has in the past. I agree so we decide to be just friends. That lasted about a week. We just couldn’t seem to keep our hands off of each other (seriously…AMAZING sex). Well, a few days later we’re back to, “let’s just be friends. REALLY this time.” And that time it worked.

After all the sex and nakedness was out of the picture I realized that this guy was pretty dang awesome. He listened, he’s the complete opposite of a jerk, and we have the exact same sense of humor. We hung out pretty much every single day. Until…well, like I said, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and were back to doing the no-pants dance after a month. We just simply couldn’t deny it; we found eachother attractive.

So, is he my friend? My friend with benefits? My boyfriend?

After all of this, I’ve learned that some relationships you just can’t seem to put a title on. My relationship status on Facebook says single because, technically, I am. Over the summer we went to our respective homes which are 350 miles apart, and we agreed that if one of us slept with someone else, neither of us would really mind. But we still talked everyday, and I even drove 6 hours to spend a weekend with him (and what a weekend that was!). But now school’s back in session and I get to be back with my…well, I’m not sure what to call him.

He’s my f*ck buddy who just so happens to also be my best friend. And I am totally fine with that.

Or how about Freshman year in college when you somehow managed to get your crush’s AIM name, and then proceeded to sit over the keyboard for hours, sweating about if IMing him and “just saying hi” would somehow make you a creepy stalker?

If you’re in my generation, you grew up with AIM, just like you grew up with boy bands and obesity. Growing up with AIM means that we’re all too familiar with the “Away Message”, a strange societal habit of TMI. Even though Away Messages tend to vacillate, there are a few that pop up time and time again. Below, we’ve captured the top 5 familiar few.

5) The “Annoyingly In Love While the Rest of the World Suffers Alone” Message:

4) The “Feel Free to Stalk Me” Message:

3) The “Needlessly Profound” Message:

2) The “Random Emo Poetry” Message:

1) The “Come On, You’ve Gotta Give Us Something” Message:

Our love affair began about ten years ago, when I was roughly ten years old and in the fourth grade. It was a rather blissful decade: I was exposed to the wonders of AOL Instant Messenger in 7th grade, the social networking phenom MySpace in high school (that inspired me to not only chop off all my hair but also get my lip, eyebrow and nose pierced!) and became obsessed with the world of Facebook once I hit college.

But today, I finally realized what a huge pain in the ass the Internet really is.

It all started to go downhill about a year ago when I first decided that I wanted to start my own blog. I went about everything the right way. I took advice from all the pros when setting up my first online presence, including signing up for the evil that is Google AdWords.

Supposedly, Google AdWords pays you a small stipend for every time a visitor on your site clicks on an ad that they provide. Basically, I was ecstatic. I was sure I was gonna hit the jackpot by spilling my guts to readers from across the globe and be able to drop out of college and make a living from the comfort of my super chic apartment in some big city somewhere (a la Gala Darling – my idol).

Needless to say, my online ventures never quite took off. Highlighter parties, boys with dreadlocks, shopping at Urban Outfitters, and Psych lecture halls pretty much consumed my life and all the time I could’ve spent developing my blog.

So I forgot all about my AdWords account. That is, until today.

Okay…before I go on, I have a confession to make. I don’t usually check my bank statements. I mean, occasionally I’ll make sure that my apartment complex cashed my rent check or that the stupid guy behind the counter at the wine cellar didn’t charge me twice when he ran my card. Other than that, I kinda just…forget they exist, despite the annoying e-mails I get once a month.

But the last few weeks I’ve been living a little more lavish-ly than usual. I knew that dinner at the Japanese Steakhouse, three consecutive nights at the bars, a full set of acrylic nails (pink tips!) and a much-needed H&M shopping spree had probably caused a serious dent in my wallet, and I needed to see for myself.

But, boy, was I shocked when I saw not only my charges from the aforementioned adventures, but also a charge from my lovely friends over at Google. For a whopping $58.55.

As a college student, I’m sure you can imagine my dismay at seeing this large number on my screen. At my measly $7.00/hr job at the Fin. Aid office, it will take me a little over three freakin’ days of utter boredom/slavery to make it back.

Basically, I’m furious.

The bank said that they have dealt with issues like this before; however, they denied knowing anything specific about AdWords (despite the evidence I’ve seen online). They did say they’d supply me with a new debit card. But as for my hard-earned $58.55? Only time will tell if I get it back.

So this is just warning to all of you ladies out there who like to purchase stuff online: BE CAREFUL. People really can, and do, steal your credit card information – even from large companies like Google.

Also, make sure you check your bank statements after every transaction – and print off all records of everything you order online. Oh, and check out the articles here, here and here about protecting yourself from internet fraud.

And, Internet, we’ve had some really good times, but when it comes down to it, you’re just a big f!@#$% jerk. Good luck finding someone who will put up with your crap for as long as I did.

Oh, and don’t worry – the whole world will figure out what a scum bag you are soon enough. Have a nice life!