It was Thanksgiving up in Canada this past weekend. I spent turkey day with my extended family, eating the most delicious of dinners (though, in all honesty, almost anything is a step-up from nightly KD), devouring pumpkin pie, and feeling a bit like an outcast.

You see, while my entire family is aware that I’m an up-and-coming journalist, I always find it interesting that no one brings up exactly what I write about or what kind of publications I’m aiming to write for after graduation. Even my successes – the fact that I just got to interview my sex-columnist hero, Dan Savage, and that I’m running my very own sex advice column in my school paper – were tiptoed around like a landmine. God forbid I say the “sex” word, I suppose.

Maybe I’m too wrapped up in this world of college where finding a condom wrapper in the kitchen garbage is just another thing to laugh at, and not used to being around people who blush at the word “vagina”. I can’t help but wonder, though, why sex is such an utterly taboo topic — why being a nearly-twenty-year-old sex columnist comes with this huge stigma, even when it’s approached in the most sex-positive and family-appropriate of ways (really, it’s not like I was going to get into the intimacies of my sex life around the dinner table).

And the thing is, this isn’t just an issue that surrounds my (apparently conservative) family. This is something that affects everyone – from the girls who refuse to masturbate because they believe their vulvas are “gross”, to the married couples who let their sex lives suffer horribly because they’re too embarrassed to put into words what exactly it is that they want in bed – we’re all being affected by sex-negativity, but where exactly does it come from?

Religion
To be fair, I’m a fan of Richard Dawkins and can therefore blame pretty much any societal issue on religion. That said, I do genuinely think that much of the stigma surrounding sex and sexuality comes from religious culture; a culture that tells us that sex outside of marriage is sinful, selfish, and just plain wrong. Because religion is constantly sending the message that sex (outside of marriage) is bad, wrong, dirty, and only-for-makin’-babies, those who do have sex before marriage – which, by the way, is nearly 95% of people – are just left feeling guilty about it (like they did something bad, dirty and wrong). Funny thing is, this rhetoric obviously does not dissuade most people from partaking in premarital sex but only acts to make people feel shameful about their healthy and natural sex lives.

Language
Think about it, even the language we use to talk about sex is veiled in shame and embarrassment. We talk about that stuff we have “down there,” or, and I admit to using this phrase myself, “getting dirty.”  It’s not often, if ever, we’re able to have open and honest conversations about our genitalia using real words instead of frilly-nicknames like va-jay-jay – things we’re most likely taught from our embarrassed parents at an early age. (Hell, I was told to call my vagina my “monkey.” Yikes!)

While I’ll admit there’s nothing sexy about telling someone you’d really love to “have sexual intercourse” with them, it’s also important to keep our outside-of-the-bedroom conversations as honest and grown-up as possible; the only way to confront sex-negativity is to tackle it head on. Ladies, it’s okay to talk about your vagina! Just, please, stop calling it a va-jay-jay.

Education
I’m more and more grateful every day that my Canadian schools taught me comprehensive sex-ed. Being taught that remaining abstinent is the only way to have a healthy sex life as a married adult is not only grossly blown out of proportion, but it’s also not working. Much of abstinence only sex-ed relies on scare tactics – the “if you have sex, you WILL get PREGNANT and DIE” approach – without focusing on pregnancy and STI prevention and protection. Not to mention, you can only contract an STI from someone who already has an STI. And, while they’re not 100% effective, condoms do a pretty damn good job at keeping you baby and infection free. Oh, and the whole BS about “abstinence is the only thing that is 100% effective at preventing teen pregnancy” spiel? You will not get pregnant from oral or manual sex. Just something to think about.

How do we change it?
Recognize the sex-negativity in your own life. Stop calling sexually active women “sluts” and “whores” and make an effort to educate yourself on the realities of a sexually active lifestyle. Also, don’t be afraid to have an open discourse about sex with the people around you. Of course, these conversations don’t have to be graphic or overtly personal, but once you get the sex-positive conversation flowing, you’ll come to realize that sex is one of those things we all have in common.

I’m a classy lady, what can I say?

Since that night, I’ve heard multiple stories from friends about how awkward it is to find a couple doin’ it in public, and knowing that I am one of those people, I feel a little guilty for giving in to my animal instincts out in the open (even though it was 4am and no one was around). I’ve also heard just as many stories about awesome public sex that make me think it’s not a bad thing, so long as it’s kept semi-private.

So, let’s discuss:

On one hand, everybody’s sex life needs a little spice from time to time. Gettin’ it on somewhere where there’s a chance – even a small one, that someone might see makes it just that much more exciting and risqué. Plus there’s something awfully freeing about being naked outside.

On the other hand, it does seem fairly inconsiderate.  While it might be sexy for the people having the sex to know that someone might see, involving other people in your sex life without their consent is kind of, well, creepy. And having no consideration for others and having sex somewhere that kids can see you is, I think everyone would agree, very wrong.

What do you guys think? Is public sex an okay thing to partake in from time-to-time, or is it wrong to bring your bedroom fun out where curious eyes might catch a glimpse?

Now, dear CC readers, let’s be honest.  I think many of us have encountered a member of that misguided 21%.  Sure, he may be funny and intelligent and wildly attractive.  But when it comes down to seductive gestures and the main event, the dude’s got as much game as Snooki at a country club.

I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation somewhere for this significant discrepancy.  And I know the blame doesn’t entirely rest on the other side of the court, ladies.  Right now I’d guarantee men are insisting, “If she would just speak up, I’d know what she likes!”  Well, he’s right.  You need to open your mouth as frequently as you open your legs.  That being said, I think you’ll agree on the more frustrating roadblocks some guys just can’t seem to overcome:

He throws you on the bed with such passionate intensity…
Expectation: Excellent things are coming your way.  Records will be broken, perhaps a few lamps, too.  There’s no way you’re going to be able to walk straight tomorrow.
Reality: Homeboy hops right on and the whole thing is over in six minutes.  Bow chicka wow…eh.  You text your friends to see if they left for happy hour yet because, hey, the night doesn’t have to be a complete wash.

While you’re making out, things get a little handsy…
Expectation: Second base goes highly underrated, and you think you’ve found someone who agrees with you.  Sometimes it’s fun to just make out like teenagers on prom night.
Reality: Okay, you didn’t mean he had to be as clueless as a fifteen-year-old boy.  That poking is kinda annoying.  And…ouch…little aggressive with the boobs there, killer.

So you think you bagged yourself a winner…
Expectation: How can anyone who resembles Javier Bardem be a bad kisser?  Finally, someone who looks like he knows what he’s doing.
Reality: Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Maybe that’s how they do it in España, but stateside we use a little less tongue.  You can’t even move your mouth to try some hands-on teaching.  The whole thing is really awkward so you just stand there and wait for the oral assault to be over.

You’ve thrown your inhibitions to the floor along with your clothes…
Expectation: He wants you to speak up in bed, well guess who’s getting bossy tonight?  You are.
Reality: You want to be on top, he keeps attempting to flip you to the bottom.  You want to start slowly, someone’s already nearing finish line.  No, just like the last dozen times, you don’t want him anywhere near your butt.  But yes, just like the last two-dozen times, he still tries.  FML.

To keep things interesting, you’ve decided to push the envelope.  Just a little…
Expectation: “You’re the coolest girlfriend/friend with benefits/random hookup ever!”
Reality: “You…want to do…what?” (He says sheepishly as he pulls the sheet up to his chin.)

Bonus: The Lingering Touch, aka Ghost Hands
All guys do it and I can’t figure out why.  Please tell me this happens to you, too.  It’s when you’re walking and a guy puts just the absolute tips of his fingers on the small of your back.  (I’m sorry, are you trying to subliminally steer me in a certain direction?)  Or when you’re sitting and he lays his hand ever-so-gently and very lightly on your knee.  (Or are you holding your hand above my knee?  It’s hard to tell.)

Fellas, if you’re going to make physical contact- please do so like you mean it.  Throw your arm around our shoulders, grab us by the waist, put your hands on our legs.  It’s okay to be a tiny bit rough, we won’t break.  Have some confidence.

It might be surprising to you guys, but I kind of have a penchant for sex, so I’ve opted to take a course that is right up my alley – philosophy of love and sex.

So far, this class has been pretty cool. Every week, we’re given a question that have we half an hour to answer on paper. Our first “question of the week” was something that really got me thinking – is it more desirable to have sex with love, or sex without love?

I took a while to think about my answer, but I think I eventually went around in circles and landed at “love isn’t the important factor in desirable sex. Comfort is the most important thing.” Because we all know awkward sex = bad sex. Or at least, that’s what I concluded in my mindless philosophical ramblings. But really, what’s the difference between sex with love and sex without love?

Sex with love. There is something that can be “transcending” about having sex with someone you love. It can be a more intense emotional experience, which only adds to making it a great physical experience. That said, just loving someone doesn’t make sex good, and being in love doesn’t mean you can’t have rough just-to-get-off-sex sometimes too.

Sex without love. Having sex with someone you don’t love is often more of a physical experience than an emotional one. It can be focused mostly on gettin’ ‘er done, rather than all the feelings that come along with sex. But who hasn’t had a completely amazing sexual experience they weren’t in love with – one that maybe even rivals that LTR fun?

Maybe one isn’t more desirable than the other. Maybe sex is sex is sex, and it makes no difference the feelings involved. Maybe sometimes we don’t want to think about how we’re feeling and just focus on getting it on.

What do you guys think? What’s more desirable: sex with love or without?

Question for Tuffy?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and leave a message at the BEEEEEEP.

Tuffy Question: Hey, where all the lesbians at?! How come I never hear from you girls?!

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we are just crazy about each other, but we are still virgins.  We were originally saving our virginity for religious/moral reasons, but we both changed our minds on that and want to have intercourse now.  However, we each live in our parents’ homes and his family is super-religious.  And if someone finds out, both of us will be in deep trouble.  Apart from simply waiting, what can we do?

–All revved up with nowhere to go

Dear Revved,

What can you do?! Why, many a thing, young lass! Let’s see–

But first, let lil’ ol’ Tuffy just lil’ ol’ say: ALWAYS USE CONDOMS. In EVERY situation. In ANY genital exchange, with ANY gender. Okay?! CONDOMS. CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS.

Okay, that said, first, I want to say that I am writing this advice to you, girl, assuming that you are of consenting age. Okay? Please, young ‘uns, wait till you’re ready. You should never feel pressure to have sex before YOU are ready to do it. No one tells you what to do with your body–you are your own and only your own.

So, now the fun! Things you can do:

1. Intercourse: Yes, you can have intercourse. Just take it slow. Kiss a lot. Talk, giggle, don’t take it too seriously. Just do what comes naturally. And, importantly: Tell him if it’s hurting you. Let’s be real, girls, it hurts the first time, but if you have a gentle and patient partner, he’ll go slow when you need him to and it’ll be much, much better. And, frankly, if you don’t have a gentle and patient partner, I highly recommend dumping his ass.

2. Making Out: What’s wrong with just heavy making out?! This can be a great precursor to sex. It’ll really help you find out what turns you guys on. Kissing and touching is the perfect way to experiment without having to go too far.

3. Oral Sex: This is SEX – oral is NOT casual. You still need a condom for this one (sorry, kids – no one likes the herp). Okay, the main thing here is being equals; you give him, and he gives you. It’s all about reciprocity. And it’s also all about listening. Don’t just get down there and try to look like a porn star; that ain’t doin’ nothin’ for no one. Listen to his reactions and learn from them (and expect him to do the same for you!!). And don’t be too shy to read up on the subject for tips (so to speak).

4. Manual Stimulation: You actually don’t need a condom for this one, but make sure the hands are CLEAN (and that you have a condom nearby, just in case you decide you want to switch activities). Again, feel each other out (haha. No, but seriously). See what works for you guys. It’s just touching to make each other feel good – remember, this is a person you love.

5. Anal: Okay, not for the beginner. Work your way up to this one. And, if you do eventually go there, use condoms and tons of lube.

Places, given the circumstances, where you can do said things:

1. Backseat of a car
2. Friend’s place (with friend’s permission, of course)
3. As a last resort, save up money and rent a hotel room during daytime hours (so no one gets suspicious)

This is all assuming you love each other. Remember, kids, Aunt Tuffy Sez: Don’t rush into anything. Sex is so much better when there’s love involved.

Good luck to you, girl. Use condoms, be safe, have fun!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Talking sex with your doctor isn’t always easy. Whether you are afraid she or he will judge you,  you just don’t feel comfortable sharing the intimate details of your life between the sheets, or you can’t think straight with a speculum between your legs, many people get tight lipped in the doctor’s office. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have questions.

We thought we’d help and every Thursday our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin will be answering your questions. The ones you couldn’t ask your doctor in person and didn’t really trust the Yahoo community to answer for you. Just leave your questions in the comments, or send em over to us. (We’ll keep it all anonymous for you.) Dr. Lissa will answer anything – really, anything – about sex and other lady things. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I am not in a serious relationship, so I don’t have sex very often. When I do, though, it always hurts. Sometimes even more than the first time. Why is that? Is there something I can do so it doesn’t hurt anymore?

A: Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry! Sex is supposed to be fun, right? Isn’t sex always easy, painless, and orgasmic in the movies? Maybe so, but what you’re experiencing is not uncommon in real life.  In fact, I suffered from the same problem myself back when I was in my twenties.  Have you seen a gynecologist about this issue? There are a number of reasons you may be experiencing pain, and your doctor might be able to help you.

Painful sex (we docs call is dyspareunia) is normal when you first have sex. Because your hymen may still be intact when you lose your virginity, sex often hurts in the beginning. But after a while, the pain should lessen and then resolve. If it doesn’t, a variety of conditions can be responsible, including vulvar vestibulitis (inflammation of the vestibule), vaginismus (involuntary contraction of the vaginal muscles), allergic reactions to things such as latex condoms, and endometriosis (when lining from the uterus gets on the ovaries, bowel & pelvic lining).  As women age, they also have lower levels of estrogen, which can make the vagina thinner, leading to atrophic vaginitis.  Many of these conditions can be treated, but it’s important to know the reason for your pain.  If you find yourself having sex regularly and are still having pain, be sure to tell your gynecologist. There may be a simple solution.

Feeling safe in a relationship is also an important part of making sure sex feels good.  Those who have had traumatic experiences with sex in the past, such as being the victim of a rape or child molestation, often experience pain with intercourse. As women, our bodies can be amazingly powerful at manifesting physical signals in response to psychological issues.  If any of these issues might play a role in the pain you feel, please see a therapist who can help you work through what you’ve experienced.

In the meantime, make sure that before you have intercourse, you are adequately aroused. If your partner isn’t already doing so, encourage your partner to assist you with a little foreplay.  If that’s not enough, try a personal lubricant like Astroglide. Sometimes, lubing up can decrease the friction against the vaginal wall, making things glide more easily and causing less discomfort. Also, certain positions may be more comfortable than others, so experiment with what feels better and listen to your body.

Most importantly, be honest with your partner about your experience. Don’t pretend you’re having fun when you’re not. You don’t want to train your body to endure pain when it’s supposed to be experiencing loving connection and sexual pleasure.  Doing so can train your body to shut down, which can damage your ability to be properly aroused in the future. Get help, be honest, and know that this won’t last forever.

In case it gives you hope, I’ll tell you that my story ended happily. After years of painful intercourse, the pain (caused by vulvar vestibulitis in my case) disappeared over time.  I think part of it was learning to live comfortably within my skin, part was finding the right relationship, and part was giving my body the opportunity to be heard. Perhaps, when you find yourself in a loving committed relationship having sex more regularly, this problem will melt away and you’ll be on your way to sexual bliss. Let’s hope so!

Let’s hope so!

It’s withdrawing, or “pulling out” as it is often referred.

The study, by sex researcher Rachel K. Jones, indicates that “if the male partner withdraws before ejaculation every time a couple has vaginal intercourse, about 4 % of the couples will become pregnant over the course of a year.”  With an 18% failure rate, the pull-out method comes pretty close to matching up with that of the condom’s 17% failure rate.

Whaaaa?  Haven’t we been taught forever that pulling out is the worst method of birth control? Haven’t we been giving up on the pleasure of condomless sex because it’s almost guaranteed that pulling out will leave us preggers? And, sidenote, condoms have a 17% failure rate? Why did no one tell me?!

This news is huge and sure to change some people’s decisions in the bedroom. Will people abandon the long loved (or loathed-but-dealt-with-because-having-a-baby-is-a-whole-lot-worse-than-a-little-less-sensitivity) latex that’s legacy as one of the most popular methods of contraception has lasted for over 400 years? It’s making me think a little bit…

But then again, would anyone be able to truly enjoy themselves without the latex barrier to protect them? I mean, this method may seem super awesome, but what about STDs?  Nowadays, diseases run rampant throughout college campuses, and “pulling out” can’t guarantee protection from those gross, and often deadly infections.  And who says the guy is even withdrawing at the right moment?  I don’t trust guys to order me the right drink at the bar (I’m picky…), so how can I trust them to do this right? If they wait even a second too long, it could mean a baby in my belly.

How comfortable are you depending on this method for birth control?  Does this study change your attitude about protection?

[The following post is courtesy of Vanessa Cullins, M.D., Vice President of Medical Affairs at Planned Parenthood. Upon speaking with Vanessa and asking for information on STDs we began discussing HIV/AIDS. Naively, I mentioned that college kids are safe and know to protect themselves against this deadly disease. Turns out, I was wrong, and thinking that way is incredibly dangerous.]

Once in a while, we get a variation of this question via e-mail: “I’m a woman in college, and I’m wondering if I still need to be worried about getting HIV. Isn’t it pretty much under control by now?”

HIV/AIDS is definitely still a threat — especially among young people and women. Today, women account for more than one-quarter of all new HIV/AIDS diagnoses, and women of color are especially affected by HIV infection and AIDS. The growing complacency about this deadly disease is alarming.  You cannot tell from looking at someone whether that person is infected with HIV or any other sexually transmitted disease (STD). That is why all sexually active people need to protect themselves against HIV.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that more than 56,000 women and men are infected with HIV every year. And the American College Health Association has found that the rate of HIV infection among college students is about the same as it is for the general public. It seems that a lot of people — especially women — aren’t getting the message.

So what’s a girl to do?

First, get tested regularly. Know your status and the status of your partners. Planned Parenthood Federation of America has partnered with MTV and the Kaiser Family Foundation to launch the GYT — Get Yourself Tested — campaign. Visit http://gyt09.org to get information you can rely on about STDs, including HIV, and find your nearest testing location.

Second, plan your safer-sex strategy. Condoms used correctly and consistently are the best protection against HIV and other STDs, including HPV, gonorrhea, and chlamydia. Condoms reduce the risk of HIV infection substantially.  In fact, aside from abstinence and other forms of intimacy that result in no contact with another person’s genitals, condoms are the best protection against HIV.  Some studies show that about one out of two college students used a condom the last time they had sex. That’s good. But it also means that one of two didn’t.  And that’s not good — that’s a whole lot of people playing Russian roulette with contracting HIV/AIDS.

Having a good safer-sex strategy means knowing your risks and deciding which ones you are willing to take.  Here’s a step-by-step walk-through of some of your options:

•    Use a latex or female condom during vaginal, oral, and anal sex.
•    If you are not using a condom, it’s safer to have oral sex than vaginal or anal sex.
•    Rubbing against your partner, whether clothed or naked, is safer than sexual intercourse. Rubbing against your partner clothed is even safer.
•    If you and your partner are engaged in mutual fondling, it is safer to wash your hands before touching your own genitals.
•    Masturbating alone or together — or having phone sex or cybersex — is the safest sex option.

But the most important safer-sex strategy of all is to assume that all potential partners may be infected — and then take precautions.  The reality is that people will lie in order to have sex.  Another reality is that many people with HIV don’t know it!  Given these odds, you can’t rely on anyone else to protect you.

Remember: all sexually active people are at risk, and we need to protect ourselves.

Remember the days when a chaste woman wore a white wedding gown and saved herself for the honeymoon? Me neither. Times are changing, and so are society’s views on sex. Just look at prime-time television.

Gone are the days when the big Dawson’s Creek episode was the one that kept everyone glued to the screen trying to guess whether it was Joey and Jack, Pacey and Andy, or Dawson and Jen who finally took their relationship to the next level (remember that one?). Instead, we’ve got Blair and Chuck’s one night stand in the back of a limo (definitely remember that one!).

Outside of the small screen, relationships in the real world are dwindling. “Dating” is becoming a thing of the past, and casual sex is flourishing. The value of the once-prestigious “first time” isn’t such a big deal for many of us as it was for our mothers, aunts, or even our older sisters. Hell, my first time was not the stuff that teen romances are made of, but I walked away without any permanent emotional scars and afterwards, since it was out of the way, I was able to make better choices regarding who I chose to sleep with.

And yet, I couldn’t help but be surprised when my younger cousin proudly announced that sex was one of her favorite activities (albeit with a steady boyfriend, but still). Just a few years age difference, and there’s still a difference in our mindsets.

Sure, there are still plenty of people out there who put a lot of pride into their virginity, and hold out for a long time. There are still plenty of cherries being popped in the honeymoon suite, after all. But our society’s views on sex can send out mixed signals. People who haven’t found “the one” by a certain age begin to feel alienated by their more-promiscuous peers. Nobody wants to be likened to the Forty-Year-Old Virgin, do they?

I don’t think it’s such a big deal. In fact, I think that once you’ve lost it, you can start to enjoy sex, be adventurous, and learn about your partner’s (and your own) body. Why wait for such a wonderfully erotic experience?

That said, I’d like to know: how many CollegeCandy readers out there expected rose petals and fireworks when they finally relinquished their v-card? Furthermore, how many of you just gave it up because you were curious? Whatever the less-than-fairy-tale way we may or may not have lost it, I’m willing to bet that hardly any of us walked away tarnished with a Scarlet Letter.

The answer is simple: You aren’t eating enough.

Studies show that overweight women have more sex than women of average weight. In fact, according to research done by the University of Hawaii and Oregon State, “Ninety-two percent of overweight women reported having a history of sexual intercourse with a man, as opposed to 87 percent of women with a normal body mass index.”

92%. N-I-N-E-T-Y-T-W-O.

That’s no small number…

Dr. Bliss Kaneshiro from the University of Hawaii’s School of Medicine said that “These results were unexpected and we don’t really know why this is the case.”

Maybe it’s because these women have a bit more to love; maybe they are self-confident without any crazy body issues; or maybe we are finally seeing that men are not attracted to super thin women, but rather to women with a more natural and curvy body.

Which would be great news for women everywhere. Especially me…as I sit here eating a bagel. So this Halloween, ladies, all I can say is: indulge in your favorite chocolatey treats!

It’ll up your chances of gettin laid!