The stock market is low. Really effing low. The lowest it’s been in a long ass time.

And people are freaking out.

So, in an effort to ease people’s minds, George Bush spoke. He interrupted my morning dose of Ellen Degeneres for about 7 minutes to explain what is going on and how the US Government is going to fix it. But that 7 minutes can be summed up in 2 simple sentences:

Things are bad – we caused the economy to decline worldwide – but they are going to get better. Just chill the eff out.

So, let’s relax, people. Forget about your money in the bank, your student loans, and the fact that you can’t afford your Easy Mac. Grab a bottle of your favorite (cheap) vodka, kick back on your couch and chillax.

Everything is gonna be ok!