It’s puzzling to me, then, why I’ve encountered so many people who stick to a preferred physical type. I’m not talking about broad categories as much as I am about specific traits, such as hair and eye color or, more to the point, race. On the dating site OkCupid, for example, users can search for potential matches by filtering the database with specific criteria, including ethnicity.

I’m not even going to get into whether dating someone based solely on looks is a good or bad thing (because that would constitute a whole column of its own), but I have friends who exclusively date a particular type, be it black men, Asian women, or the ever-popular Abercrombie model. Some say, “But I’m just not attracted to Asian/Black/White guys.” Others claim they’ve never met a person they wanted to date outside their race. Unfortunately, if variety is the spice of life, then there are a lot of people out there dating the same bland types over and over again.

Some of them are self-aware enough to recognize where their preferences come from, but most are not. However, claiming that you “just happen” to prefer the blonde-haired, blue-eyed type (or whatever yours may be) ignores the biases we’ve each inevitably formed as a result of living in a society that promotes very specific beauty ideals. What many deem a “preference” is informed by their exposure to stereotypes, such as those depicted in television and movies. (The hypersexualization of black males and Asian females, the emasculation of Asian males, and the masculinization of black females are just a few examples.) Incredibly divergent interracial marriage rates are also a testament to the fact that physical preferences are really stratified by race.

Of course, it’s not easy to undo a couple decades’ worth of societal brainwashing overnight. But dating someone a tad darker or lighter than your usual fare isn’t going to kill you or your sex life. This also isn’t to say that we should reject preferences altogether. When it comes to personality or personal beliefs, preferences make sense to some extent. A relationship is probably not meant to last between two people with vastly different views on politics, money, or hygiene. But preferring to date people with particular political, financial, or hygienic attitudes is different from preferring to date people with certain physical attributes. The former is about compatibility; the latter has nothing to do with it.

Perhaps it’s telling that although OkCupid allows you to search for users of specific ethnicities, they also offer users the option of identifying themselves as “Human (Other)”. At least some of us out there would rather be pursued because of our more substantive qualities.

But I’ve noticed something that has become so frequent that it happens at least twice a week. I don’t know if it’s because we have such a large freshman class that doesn’t know me as well as the rest of the upperclassmen, or if it’s something else, but while I’m walking to lunch, at a club meeting, or in a popular hang-out spot with my girlfriend, whether we’re just holding hands, play-flirting, or giving goodbye kisses, I’ve been catching several looks. And most of them are of utter confusion and/or disgust.

After well over a year of being with my girlfriend, it’s not exactly breaking news that we’re going out. We’ve gotten looks from some upperclassmen before, sure, but it was never so frequent or so extreme as it is now. And I’m certain that these looks aren’t being given to other heterosexual couples, or even other interracial couples (which, unless they are well-hidden, I have seen none of).

It’s bad enough that when I’m home, I can barely bring my girlfriend up in conversation without feeling awkward. But to be on campus, walking down the street and holding her hand and being gawked at like we’re some kind of traveling freak show? Forgive me, world, for saying that it makes me unhappy, uncomfortable, and angry. Aside from physical differences, we don’t differ much from any other heterosexual couple. We fight, we talk, we help each other, we have sex, we love. Sure, we might do it a little differently than John and Jane down the hall, but the premise is the same. So why should we be treated differently?

I know for myself that being raised in a household where nothing but heterosexuality was expected from me, it took me a little while to get accustomed to the idea that people of the same gender could love each other, too. And when I realized I was one of those people, it was hard. People seem to think that it’s something that can be turned on and off, or that it’s something people are starting to lean towards now because it’s “cool.” But why on earth would I ever willingly do something I know I’d be ridiculed for?

No, this is who I am. This is who I’ll always be. And I understand that people might have a little difficulty understanding other people who choose this lifestyle. People like me. It’s not “normal” or “right” by many standards. I wish that other people, people who stare and flare their nostrils, could understand us.

I know that not everyone can accept gays or lesbians. But trying couldn’t hurt.