Got a guy question that’s tearing you up inside? Don’t trust your girl friends to give you honest advice (because they’re afraid if they tell you the truth you will freak out and throw things at them)? Just want to try and understand what a guy is thinking?

We’ve got the dude for you. Send your questions to AskTheDude@CollegeCandy.com and he’ll give it to you straight. Because you can’t throw things at him, no matter what he tells you. Our dude is answering questions every Wednesday, so ask away!

Hi Dude,

I have a question that’s been bothering me for a while. I started hooking up with this guy in early February and I’ve done things to him (you know what I mean), but I’ve never slept with him. In April, he started asking me if I’d have sex with him. I said I would, but due to various reasons, it never happened, which was fine with me. About a month ago, he came to visit me (he’s home for the summer and lives 2 hours away). That night, after going down on him, I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He replied, “I can’t, because I really like you.” I was really confused and when I asked him to clarify, he
said that he really respected me and liked me and, therefore, couldn’t do that to me. He also said something about not wanting to ruin things between us.

What’s even more confusing is that merely a few hours before, we had been texting and he very clearly said that he wanted sex. He even bought condoms the previous week. So why would he do all that if he didn’t actually want to have sex? My friends have said, “Maybe he’s really bad in bed and doesn’t want you to find out.” I’ve also wondered if he suddenly found something unattractive about me and didn’t feel like having sex anymore. Nothing makes sense to me. We’re in a purely physical relationship and he suddenly tells me that he doesn’t want to sleep with me. If you could tell me what is going on, that would be great.

Thanks,
Down (Literally) and Out

Dear Down and Out,

Let’s see, how can I put this to you in the most delicate and gentle way possible…You are nothing but a BJ Booty Call. Although many women know of the common and popular phenomenon known as the booty call, few realize that guys also have their “go-to gals” for head too. I definitely have had a few Head Honeys in my day, and without wanting to give you the exactly blow-by-blow of subsequent events (pun intended), it goes without saying that my feelings for each girl were about as shallow as a 12 oz. of Red Stripe (once I’m done with it).

Don’t take anything this guy is saying seriously. No matter how much he texts you, verbally primes you for sex, and/or implies that he has deeper feelings for you, he is completely and utterly full of it (and pretty dumb too). Although there could have been convenient conspiracy theories of insecurities with his package size, the inability to get intimate with another human being, or the fear of exposing you to a funky STD…they all fly out the window because you’ve already gone down on him.

Do me a favor and stand up, turn off your cell phone, and remember that a guy should be climbing walls, agonizing through America’s Next Top Model or pretending that the bathroom actually does smell like Fabreez after he’s been in there for an inordinately long period of time…in every attempt to sleep with you. Don’t be offended – if a guy isn’t interested enough (or over some deeper seated issue) to not want to have sex with a fabulous girl, it’s clearly his problem (not yours). Purely physical relationships can be awesome, but try having one (safely) with a guy who can actually seal the deal and please you for a change. Better yet, get your own Down-with-Down Dude for when you need a booty call… and skip the complication.

Hope that helps,
Dude

These days, women are suckers for anything labeled “lite,” whether it’s cookies , ice cream or even bacon-flavored spread (um, WTF?).  It was only a matter of time before we started taking our intimacy lite too. Intimacy lite is a new way of dating, bridging the gap between casual sex and full blown relationships.

Two of my favorite sex writers, Em and Lo, recently posted a piece about intimacy lite. As they say, “If you’ve ever spooned your booty call or held hands with your one-night stand, you’re familiar with intimacy lite… commitment-phobes (i.e. 99.9% of male college students) are especially prone to indulging in intimacy lite, and this often sends a mixed message, because if his mouth is saying one thing and his body is saying another, then you’re probably going to listen to whichever message you like best.”

I had to read their post a few times for it to fully sink in, and I suggest you do too if you suspect you’re in an intimacy lite situation. My intimacy lite story is probably a pretty typical one and it goes like this: I meet a boy. We have amazing chemistry, brain hormones go wild, love-at-first sight ensues, and is then harshly interrupted by reality.

Boy explains, “I will be moving soon, and I am afraid to get serious because I could easily see myself falling for you and don’t want that to happen.” I think about it, and decide that this little obstacle isn’t worth losing him completely, so why not continue to hang out while he’s here. Over the next few months, I see boy multiple times a week, he calls me on the phone every day, and we start becoming more and more relationship-y, but all the while he is insisting he doesn’t want anything too serious. His words were saying one thing, his actions the other. Or were they?

As easy as it was for me to tell myself, “sure, he says he doesn’t want anything serious, but he acts serious, and actions speak louder than words, right?” I am starting to rethink that. It seems that what I have here is a case of intimacy lite. He doesn’t want anything really serious – none of the real obligations or expectations that come with actual relationships – he just wants a lighter form of intimacy, some one to commiserate with about bad days or lay in bed with and cuddle on a lazy day.

The only problem is, now that I’ve figured out what’s going on, I’m still not sure how I feel about it.

Pros: I get good sex, a fun dinner companion, and someone to listen to me bitch about a bad day. I have all the perks of a relationship without the overwhelming anxiety about him being “the one.” I don’t have to stress about how good of a husband and father he’ll be when he’s hugging the toilet after a long night, because I know we’ll never make it that far.

Cons: We’re not in love and never will be. We’re not going to get married. Am I wasting my time dating someone with no future? What if I miss out on someone I truly fall in love with because I’m half-waying it with this guy? What if he meets someone he thinks he could fall in love with and drops me? Basically, what if I get hurt?

Do the pros out way the cons? I have no idea. Have you guys ever been in an intimacy lite relationship? What were your experiences? Share below!

[Photo courtesy of Julie Barnofski on Flickr.]

When I was a freshman I was fortunate to meet my best friends in the world right there in my hall. We were all randomly placed there, but it took no time to realize that fate had put us there together. The 8 of us hit it off immediately and began spending every moment together.

As we went through our 4 years of college and all of the experiences that come with it, we turned to one another for advice, feedback and any information the others might have to shed light on our situation. And yes, to this day, that includes the juicy details of our late-night (or midafternoon!) exploits.

As soon as a guy would leave the room, my best friends and I would gather to dish it all out. Every. last. bit. From the quality of the hookup to the size of his….friend….. we’d let it all out. I knew everything (and I mean everything) that went on between my friends and their boys between the sheets. More than those boys would ever want to know about.

But after a particularly juicy recap recently I started to wonder if guys do the same thing. Do guys sit around and give a play by play (or blow by blow….) of their late night trysts? I know they like to add the notches to their bedposts, but do they share the deets like my friends do? I asked a guy. Here’s the skinny:

In other words, I know American Apparel.

Their stores are chock full of ridiculous things I would never wear, but they also happen to carry some seriously awesome essentials. You may have to pick through the sparkly unitards to find em, but they are most definitely worth the work. Don’t know what to look for? That’s why I am here.

I give you: The Best Things (EVER) at American Apparel.

1. The Vest

I bought the vest last summer and it’s still around. I remember the sales guy and I agreeing that the vest was “smart.” The vest is reversible and goes well with just about everything and is an easy way to spice up a rather boring ensemble. I pair it with a fitted tank, skinny jeans, flats and some bangles. Simple and stylin’ cuz that’s how I roll.

2. The Intimate

When a co-worker rocked a strapless top I asked her how she kept the ladies up so nicely. Everyone knows it’s hard to find a great strapless bra. She told me it was American Apparel! Yup. So I went shopping and bought three. The bandeau top layrs nicely under any kind of shirt and comes in more colors than your bag of Skittles. Just don’t jump/dance too hard or your support will ends up around your waist.

3. The Dress

The Sheer Jersey Bandeau Dress is pretty much amazing. There really is no other way to describe it. This thing can be worn a billion different ways! (They even have a video to teach you all the snazzy things you can do with it.) Really, this dress is like 15 dresses in one, which means anyone can wear it for any occassion. Genius, I tell you. GENIUS!

4. The T-Shirt

In morning you can fight with your boyfriend over who wears this one. The Unisex Tri-Blend Short Sleeve tee is soo comfortable and yet still sexy. The deep v-neck gives intrigue to the eye and the loose fit shows off curves while leaving something to the imagination. You can take this thing from class straight to the club! To say I am obsessed is a major understatement.

5. The Legging

I didn’t want to put the American Apparel leggings on this list, but due to the fact that I am currently wearing them, I realize that they had to make the cut. Leggings can be stylish or functional, so they are a definite closet necessity. And with the awesome three pack, you can stock up for super cheap.

Watch the dollars when you shop at American Apparel, they go quickly! And if you’re shopping online, the sizes tend to run a little small, but I think that’s the point.

I’m not sold on the idea of having a soulmate. And I’m not NOT sold on it, either. BUT, when a guy refers to me as his “soulmate”, am I out of line to think that he might well, you know, like me as more than a friend? Right. I totally agree. I would not be out of line to think that. So let me tell you a story.

Not all that long ago, I started a romantic fling with a guy who I kinda sorta knew. I wasn’t all that taken into him physically, but emotionally…I couldn’t help it. I mean, I tried not to be, but with every single conversation we had…he baited me with compliments and bathed me in pet names.

He made me mix cds, sent me flowers, wrote me songs, and made me paintings. All within the first three weeks. And I KNOW, this should be a bad sign. I KNOW, these kinds of things should take TIME to develop…but I can’t help it! I like to feel things right away! I’m intense and spontaneous, so maybe I deserve all of the nightmare that is to come with this story.

Anyway, I was under the impression that things were going pretty well. But then he would tell me about dates with other girls. And this was fine. Really, I mean I was, after all, still going on dates with other guys. But then would come the heavily emotional talks until 7am and then the DAYS without talking. The night after he told me that he thought I was his soulmate, we then went four full days without any contact whatsoever. Not even a text.

I was confused.

And the night that he told me he was falling in love with me…he also refused to have sex with me. He would do EVERYthing else, but sex, he said, would totally kill our connection. His distance grew and I finally sat him down to ask what the f&*k was up. He told me that we were soulmates. (He knows this HOW…I am not sure. Maybe he found some soulmate connecting the dots kinda book on Ebay and our names line up. I don’t freaking know.) He also told me that he could not be my “lover”.

Please tell me: How is licking a girls’ vajayjay for hours on end any less intimate than having sex? How can you be falling in love with someone who you can ignore for days on end? Why wouldn’t my soulmate f*&k me?!

Researchers in Berkeley, California recently surveyed more than 900 middle school and high school students for a study in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

When presumably asked what constitutes keeping one’s virginity, “70 percent of kids 12 to 16 believe they’re virgins even if they’ve had oral sex – and 16 percent believe anal sex doesn’t count either.”

Look, once you start engaging in sexual activity, your virgin status goes hazy. Sure, you might not have done it, but if you’ve done everything under the sun except it, your technical virginity basically becomes a moot point. If you’re sexually experienced, you’re sexually experienced.

The “I’m still a virgin!” declaration after engaging in other sexual activities seems to be rooted in our society’s desperate fear of being labeled. Teenagers (especially girls) ultimately want to be “good”, but their hormones are pulling them in a completely different direction.

Doing everything except the big “penis into the vagina” thing allows someone to explore their sexuality while still remaining pure in the eyes of society.

Sex is a big thing. I don’t want to deny that. But the more pressure we put on teenagers about it, the more they’re going to do anything to make up excuses.

First it was oral sex—which can still give you diseases and in my opinion is more intimate than intercourse. Now it’s anal sex, which defies logic, since there’s still penetration involved (and seems a whole lot more “difficult” than traditional sex).

I’m no Sex Ed teacher (although it doesn’t seem so hard to be one these days, considering my junior high Sex Ed instructor was our chorus teacher, who looked like she hadn’t had any for at least half a century), but it seems calming down our whole “losing your virginity is HUGE” speech is the best way to help teenagers understand the sexual experience as a whole.

There’s a lot more to being sexually active than traditional copulation, and letting someone in your backdoor because you’re afraid to open the front one is no way begin a healthy, confident sex life.