Dear Mr. Thong Inventor,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?
The first time I heard The Thong Song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes granny panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

Read More »

Awesome inventions we wish we thought of first.

Oh no. Lindsay wouldn’t…right?

The 10 simplest things guys want.

Wait…is that Snooki?!

This is way too much cuteness for one photo shoot.

A braless bra? Does it work? Find out!

Ladies, it’s time to save some moolah to purchase the greatest invention since sliced bread: The Cleavage Caddy!

Yes, the name in itself sounds a little WTF with a pinch of late-night infomercial, but have no fear, the Cleavage Caddy may just be our new savior. What is it exactly? Well it’s a bra…that also simultaneously doubles as a mini-purse! Plus, if you’re wearing a low-cut top, it makes a very cute layering cami.

That’s three essentials for the price of one. Holler.

This may be the most clever invention for women since…let me think…birth control? Think about those nights when you’re out on the town, bar hopping, and along with your 5-inch platform pumps and skinny minny dresses, you have to worry about holding a clutch/purse with all your valuables. With the cleavage caddy, you can easily stuff everything you need to bring (ID, lipstick, money, keys, credit cards, charm and wit) into your cleavage and be a social butterfly the whole night. Not only will you be hands-free for those Long Island ice teas, the cleavage caddy will definitely add a kick to your step. Read More »

Thanks to the Snuggie and its family of unnecessary-but-ridiculously-popular-useless-items, get rich quick schemes are appearing everywhere.  Potheads in dorm rooms all over the country swear that their invention is the “next big thing” and have no idea how the country has functioned thus far without the “Condomizer 3000” which dispenses condoms 1 at a time like PEZ.

The latest invention: the Bottle Betty.  The bikini that opens beers.

OK, I agree, it DOES sound cool – you can pop open a beer while building sandcastles. And it does make for a great party trick. But has this inventor never heard of… a key chain?  I mean, is there a college student out there who doesn’t have a bottle opener hanging from their keys? And when are you really ever going to be in a bikini, with a closed beer, and your key chain nowhere in sight? Unless you find a floating Corona in the ocean…probably never.

What’s next – a bikini with a hood? Oh wait….

I wonder what Thomas Edison would say if he were alive.

Genius!

When I first saw this commercial (while drunk eating last Saturday at 4am) I was appalled.

“WTF?” I screamed, spitting a chunk of cheese onto my rug. “What kind of country do we live in where we need an invention to make our pants bigger to fit our fat asses?”

Then I realized I was talking to myself and, as I looked down at my own pants (that had left a deep red mark around my entire waist and were now unbuttoned as I sat on the floor housing a pizza), realized that maybe this isn’t so WTF after all. In fact, it might be the best invention for drunk-eating college kids since Facebook and Easy Mac!

I guess the only WTF thing about The Perfect Fit Button is that, WTF, why didn’t I think of this myself?

Disclaimer: This article is about a toilet seat scale. I’m going to get pretty mother-effing personal here. So if you don’t want to hear it, go read this week’s “Overheard on Campus” or “How You Do,” and get your CC fix there. Hell, feel free to read my Gossip Girl recap and comment on that.

Yup, they’ve thought of it. The toilet seat scale. In case you don’t have time to stand up and wait about three seconds for your weight to show up. You can kill two birds with one stone by checking your weight and peeing out your recommended eight daily glasses of water at the same time. And everyone knows, we Americans love to multi-task.

That was my initial reaction to the news of the toilet seat scale. Read More »

Dear Mr. Thong Inventor,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

• Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?

The first time I heard the thong song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes grannie panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

• Where the devil did you get this genius idea?

Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

• How the hell did you get it to catch on?

No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass. Read More »

There is a God!

Or, that’s what I would be saying if I was a dude upon learning about rubbot.com and their plans to design a revolutionary new sex toy aimed at men.

Hands-free orgasms! It’s like having a girlfriend — minus the girl! Which, depending on who you ask, isn’t always a bad thing.

The design kind of reminds me of those water snakes I had as a kid. They fold into themselves and move very fluidly…much like…genitals? Perfect! This is called the “Inch Worm Effect” and is effective at getting dudes off. And fast.

The guys behind Rubbot are looking for beta-testers too! Know a guy who’s in a rut? Be a pal and send the info along…at least you won’t have to hear about he’s not getting any for awhile. Read More »

Public bathrooms are gross. I am not some freakish germaphobe, but even I realize that sharing a toilet with hundreds of strangers (especially drunk ones) is not fun. Or sanitary. Even if you believe what Dr. Oz (the awesome doc on Oprah) said about toilet seats being pretty clean surfaces, the rest of the situation is not. The floor, the flusher, the tampon trash can that people probably push open with their used….things.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Anyways, I don’t know about you but I know that I am pretty careful when using the bathroom. I lay TP down on the seat before I sit down, flush the toilet with my foot, and never (EVER!) put my handbag on the floor.

But until I saw this new invention, I never even considered the gross factor that is the toilet paper dispenser.

Who knows who/what has touched that thing? And the long strip of paper hanging out from the roll when you get in there? Lord knows where that’s been dangling. I don’t even want to think about it.

Okay, I just did and now I’m getting sick again. Read More »