…Except not really. Sure, I could probably use pizza scissors or an umbrella that folds into a purse (because we all know how awkward it is to be the person with the big wet umbrella), and don’t even get me started on how awesome it would be to fall asleep in the mouth of a T-Rex every night, but come on. Flower-shaped egg molds? A plastic handle that hooks onto a soda can? Oh, and my personal favorite, the shark tea infuser, makes it look like a dead fish is floating on top of your drink.

Yes, they’re creative and some of them are pretty useful, but really? REALLY? We’ve gotten to the point where we need easy-to-use chopsticks and slings to hold our heavy (except really not that heavy) laptops? Wow.

I was hoping by now it would be perfectly plausible to put a Christmas robot on my wish list and that we would all have Christmas Dinner out of vacuum packed space-food packages. But that seems to still be light years away. However in case any scientists are reading this (because I hear this website is quite popular in science labs world wide!), here are your future invention priorities.

(Note: I’ve been a good girl this year; I DESERVE THEM.)

Self-Styling Hair

In an average month, I probably manage to style my hair as I like it once. Then I go to sleep, rub my hair against the pillow as I attempt to get comfortable, and wake up looking like I’ve been electrocuted. How sweet would it be to wake up and your hair be ready to go? How much more productive could I be with my day? Or, more importantly, how much longer could I have in bed?

Refillable Cupboards

Imagine that. You reach for the last yogurt and POOF a whole new box appears. You’d never have to trawl through the cold and snow when you’re desperate for a new box of cookies ever again.

Single-guy Identifier.

I don’t know about you, but when I meet a new guy, no matter how well we get on, I’m always convinced he has a girlfriend. Wouldn’t it  be great if they had like a layer of UV paint that showed up in dark clubs to identify the single ones. No more awkward “oh my girlfriend has that dress” moments ever again,

Insta-Boob-job

Running for the bus and they shrink down for minimum pain. Strapless dress and they boost themselves to Double Ds.

Self-cleaning clothes

We’ve all been there. You get invited to a party at the last minute and pull out your go-to party dress…only to find out that it’s covered in salsa from your GREAT decision to make tacos at 4am. Self-cleaning clothes would mean you’d never have to wear your second best dress or creatively tie a pashmina around your chest again.

Painless heels

Okay, magazines are always showing us the most comfortable heels and tips and tricks to make them pain free. But the fact is, painless heels are a bit, fat, blistery lie. We don’t have Barbie feet, for god’s sake.

Sleep-learning Machine

Wouldn’t it be amazing if you could study for your finals whilst asleep? Or have your brain absorb information while you have a nap behind your text book in class? And while we’re at it…

Sleep-working-out

You go to bed and wake up looking like Megan Fox. Genius.

Healthy Fast Food

That tastes just as good as the real thing, but with no calories. Kinda like Diet Coke but for food.

Boy Translator

Wouldn’t it be great to actually know what he means before you get into those stupid arguments where you totally change what he was saying? Because surely sometimes when he says “I’m busy right now, can I call you later?” he didn’t just call you fat.

Yonge & Dundas Intersection in Toronto after Team Canada Win

This week’s Weekly Ten, Why Canada Deserves Silver, stirred up quite the controversy yesterday. Seriously, I didn’t see this much hate on CollegeCandy since one writer expressed her disdain for Taylor Swift. And rightfully so. Yes it was meant to be a joke, but we in Canada aren’t entirely laughing with you.  While we know for a fact CollegeCandy loves their Canadian readers, and even has a few Canadian writers (myself included), this post pissed a lot of people off.

But instead of get angry and insult the intelligence of the writer, editor or Americans in general, I decided to take the high road and just show why Canada deserves more than just a gold medal in Olympic hockey. So here is my condensed version (there are way too many reasons for one post!) of all the reasons Canada rocks that they forgot to teach you in high school.

Education – Education (university included) receives higher subsidies from the government in Canada, meaning it’s cheaper for us to attend post-secondary school.  Also, did you know that Toronto, Canada’s largely city (where I happen to attend school), has more people with university degrees than ANY other large city in the world? Yeah, take that and deep fry it!

Health Care – Okay, so maybe you’ve heard about this recently with Obama pushing for health care reform and all, but it’s true – we have universal health care in Canada, thanks to this pretty awesome guy named Tommy Douglas.  We also have a higher life expectancy rate and lower infant mortality rate than the United States.

Good Music – I agree with you, America: Avril Lavigne isn’t the greatest, but Canada has some other pretty fantastic musicians.  Arcade Fire, Metric, Stars, Feist, and The Weakerthans are just a few of my personal faves.

Tim Hortons – As I write this, I’m rolling up the rim to win on my Tim Horton’s coffee cup.

Inventions - I’m sure you’re enjoying some Canadian inventions as you read these post.  Have a light on? Used the telephone? Wearing jeans (with a zipper… not Pajama Jeans)? Played or watched hockey or basketball? Used your CrackBerry? Taken out the garbage? Eaten peanut butter? Yeah all these things were made possible by Canadians or on Canadian soil.

Multiculturalism – Canada is a mosaic of multiculturalism.  When people come to Canada we don’t expect them to give up their own identity – instead we embrace our differences.  We have two official languages in Canada – French and English – as well as  two national anthems. “Thy history is an epic of the most brilliant exploits” is a snippet of the English translation of the French version. Yeah, we’re pretty epic.

Nationalism – We have a pretty inoffensive nationalism in Canada, except when it comes to hockey.  The street parties that ensued following Sid the Kid’s gold medal winning goal were truly Canadian – according to CTV 16.6 million people saw this goal, making it the most watched broadcast in Canadian history.

Space/Landscape - As Molson Canadian (makers of the fine Canadian beer) puts it, “we have more square feet of awesomness per person than any other nation on Earth.” We have the fourth lowest population density in the world and our country is full of diverse landscapes.  This was captured by the Group of Seven, a group of Canadian painters from the 1920s that developed a new school of truly Canadian art.

Definition of Marriage – Canada was the fourth country in the world, and first in the Americas, to legalize same-sex marriage.  Much like our belief in the mosaic of multiculturalism, this shows our commitment to equality.

[photo courtesy of Max Mertens]

Why, it’s the Wine Rack, a bra stuffed with inflatable polyurethane cups to be filled with the liquor of one’s choice. To paraphrase the immortal Fergie, I’m going to get, get, get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump(s). And I now have a spigot on my chest designed specifically for that purpose.

To be sure, there are a few drawbacks to the booze bra. First, it’s one of those horrifying, matronly jogging bra contraptions, which really cuts down on the aesthetic appeal. Second, IT’S A BRA FILLED WITH LIQUOR, for God’s sake. Forgetting, for the moment, any feminist concerns about artificially inflating one’s breast size, this just seems tremendously impractical.

If you trip and bump into a bookcase, you’ll be left smelling of booze, with deflated tits and a soggy, distended, ugly-assed brassiere. Hot, no?

Although it may be marketed to the ladies, the Booze Bra was almost certainly invented by dudes – specifically, dudes who refer to each other as “bro” a lot, wear Axe body spray to attract the chicks, and have long-standing subscriptions to Maxim. It seems, fundamentally, like a dating aid for doucheburgers, something guys would use to simultaneously pump up a girl’s chest and break down her judgment.

The smarmy advertising copy on the website really puts the last nail into the coffin. “Just think,” they exclaim, “secretly guzzling from your gazongas means no more waiting in line and paying for overpriced drinks at festivals, gigs and games.” They also note the potential money-saving powers of the bra, noting that “[you won’t] be buying anything for yourself with a chest this impressive.”

Yeah, that’s right, guys: I’m carrying the equivalent of two large glasses of beer on my chest, with all the attendant weight and back strain, FOR ME. It’s all because I am just TOO DARN BROKE to buy my own nachos.

Sadly, due to its popularity on the Interwebs, the Wine Rack is currently all sold out. If you want to try it for yourself, you’ll have to pre-order it and wait nearly a month for delivery. How many of those bras do you think were purchased by girls looking to get drunk off their own lady bits? How many do you think were purchased by guys who hoped that their girlfriends might wear them?

Now: which answer makes you sadder?

Going to the beach is a process. Sand and sun, snacks and toys…there’s a lot to carry and a lot to deal with.

I won’t lie, it has deterred me from even venturing to the shore sometimes, but no worries my friends. Our problems have been solved.

Our friends at toweldown.com have created what is possibly the single most useful beach accessory this side of sunscreen.

What is a Toweldown towel, you ask? Well, it’s a lot of things. It’s a backpack, purse and towel all-in-one. The best feature? The pouch on top that you can fill with sand to make a pillow. Genius! With plently of colors and designs to choose from you will definitely find one to match your new bikini. And with the affordable price, you better snag some for a few friends.

A Toweldown towel is one of those novel inventions that your friends will ask you about, and although it may take a few explanations (and probably a demonstration or two) it’ll be a must-have in no time.

Hollywood’s A-list have been using these towels for quite awhile now and it’s an obvious beach (or poolside) essential. Britney Spears has been seen within the past week carrying hers around and people bands like The Black Eyed Peas and The Pussycat Dolls have all received theirs. So, hop on the towel train!

You just may get a few more glorious beach days out of it.

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