Seriously. So the dude churns out jams that frat boys play when they’re trying to get sensitive with the lady they just slipped GHB to. And I suppose he did date Jessica Simpson. And, yeah, sure, he’s friends with Jimmy Buffet. *shudder* BUT. But. The dude is a) for all intensive purposes, a guitar god, b) actually fucking hilarious, and c) now, apparently has a huge wiener.

This is a lot more than I can say for a majority of the gentlemen I have been involved with, oh, ever. Plus, he’s totally loaded. Sure, that’s mostly due to the aforementioned frat boys and moms in sexless marriages, but really, I’m going to come right out and say it; John Mayer is kind of the sh*t.

I know people speculate all the time as to how he gets all these hot chicks (thus, the Daily News “investigate report” or whatever the f*ck you want to call it), but let’s peruse the roster of people he’s been reported as getting romantic with according to whosdatedwho.com:

Rebecca Lord – A porn star, a.k.a. a lady who knows her wangs.

Vanessa Carlton – A singer or something. Butterface.

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Lightbulb head, possibly retarded. (Though I loved Can’t Hardly Wait)

Rhona Mitra – Professional manface, judging by her photo.

Jessica Simpson – Huge rack, braindead, incestual relationship with father.

Penelope Cruz – Downs Syndrome. You heard it here first.

Cameron Diaz – Worthy of, and actually probably perfect for, John Mayer’s awesomeness.

Minka Kelly – I don’t know who she is. I’ll assume borderline famous groupie.

Jennifer Aniston – Bitch please. You was, are, and always will be, boring-ass Rachel Green. Go buy a new black Ralph Lauren dress and get another shag haircut.

Long story short (or LONG, haha. Get it? Yikes…), the ladies John Mayer has dated are, with the exception of Cameron Diaz, lucky they got to get with J-Dogg, and this new report about his megacockalus is the final nail in the coffin. Godspeed, John Mayer! I salute you and your gigantic, uh, body of work.

P.S. My body is totally a wonderland. Call me.