I am fully aware that Christmas isn’t for another 4,394,668 seconds, but since every other store in the world is getting ready I figured I should start to compile my wish list. You know, in case anyone wants to buy me something other than socks. Grandma, I’m looking at you!

Growing up I hated Christmas, mainly because my birthday is three days after it, but also because growing up with a sister your age meant twin gifts. Which, if anyone I ever know has twins I promise not to do. What are twin gifts you ask? Same gift but in a color suited to the person you’re giving it to. Not only were my sister an I (who are not twins) giving identical presents by relatives, we were also (as four siblings close in age) given quad. present by our parents. The only one to survive the identical gift curse was my little sister. Although she got enough red headed step child taunting from the rest of us to make up for it.

Now you may be thinking I am a spoiled brat and should be grateful for anything I get. Au contraire, mon ami. You see, I come from the school of thought: If you don’t have anything meaningful to give, don’t give anything at all. I hate that during this time of year it’s all about what greatest and latest gadgets we can get (which is sometimes meaningful) rather than what can I get that really means something to this person (*cough* like a blue tea pot filled with mementos *cough*).

Without further adieu here are my top things that Santa should really consider bringing me. After all, I’ve obviously made the nice list…

initiating the gallery...

Lifetime movies, like eating frosting out of the tub with a spoon, are one of those guilty pleasures we all indulge in that only our closet friends know about. However, let’s be real: we all love watching those cheesy movies that our favorite D-list actors star in to revive their long-lost careers. And tonight’s newest addition, ‘Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy‘, which stars our favorite unbreakable cheerleader as a suspected murderer, is no exception.

For those of you not in the know, the Amanda Knox movie is based on a true story (like most Lifetime “movies”) about an American student who is suspected of murdering her roommate while studying abroad in Italy. This story has been playing out in the news for over a year and if seeing it dramatized on TV isn’t enough to lure you in for a night of TV (watched alone in your room with the door locked), here are 5 more reasons why you should break out the cookie dough and popcorn for what could be the biggest TV event since Michael Jackson’s funeral the epic fight episode of Jersey Shore.

Overacting:
As much as I like Hayden, girl overacts like nobody’s business. And that’s just in regular movies. Pair it with a script from those dramatic and hormonal writers at Lifetime and you’ve got yourself a recipe for dramatic sighs, spontaneous tears and extreme emphasis on every. single. line. And just thinking of Hayden getting all serious gives me butterflies in my stomach. The “I’m so excited!” kind, not the “I don’t think that chicken was cooked all the way through, lunch lady” kind.

The Melodrama:
Now, let’s pair Hayden’s acting “skills” with some Lifetime melodramatic style writing…and you’ve got yourself more dramz than The Bachelors “most dramatic rose ceremony EVER.” The plot is sure to be something from a crappy murder mystery novel, and the characters (per usual) larger than life and probably not very much like their real life counterparts. Think, 2 hour-long soap opera. But the kind you can feel good about because this one deals with current events.

Hayden Looks Uber Dowdy:
Hayden, for the most part, always looks put together, both on and off screen. She’s most famous for playing the happy-go-lucky cheerleader with the perfect body (gag me) and flawless face (boring). But in this movie, girl is put in some very not-so-flattering clothing, her hair is so the wrong color and texture, and her complexion looks almost grey. Call me a mean girl if you must, but I love seeing a pretty celebrity looking well…not so pretty. (And by the way, Amanda Knox is really beautiful in real life. What’s with the snub, Lifetime? No wonder the girl “almost threw up” when she saw a clip!)

There are Italian men featured:
Olive skin. Brown eyes. Cute accents. Just a little somethin’ somethin’ to lift the dark and depressing mood a bit.

It’s Current:
With the movie coming out tonight and Knox’s trial still in session, it makes this movie totally worthy of some current event points. And go Lifetime for getting their act together on this one. Not only will it sorta catch you up on the happenings of the Knox situation (make sure to check out a summary or two before actually bringing it up in conversation…I have a feeling they will be using some “creative license” in this one), but you can write it off as time well spent learning about something that is going on in the world. Something that doesn’t involve celebrity babies or the next big fashion trend. A real current event affecting someone your age.

Plus, it’s gotta be better than another 2 hours of crazies on The Bachelor, right?

Check out the preview below and see for yourself:

Long before there was Real Housewives and American Idol, the Olympics were the original reality show, with all the drama, tears, athleticism, and even the trash talking to boot.  Skeptical? Take a look at these top Olympics highlights from years past:

5. Tara Lipinski Steals Figure Skating Gold, Nagano 1998

In 1998, America was in love with Michelle Kwan. The graceful seventeen-year-old was already a two-time US Figure Skating Champion and winner of the 1996 World Championships when she took the stage in Nagano. While Tara Lipinski, then just fifteen, had a National and World title of her own, it was Kwan whose experience and artistry made her the favorite for the Olympic title. However, after a solid performance by Kwan, Lipinski emerged with this exhuberant, youthful, and technically more difficult program to clinch the gold medal, becoming the youngest Winter Olympic champion ever. Jump to the 6-minute mark to see her receive her scores, and hear the scream heard ’round the world.

4. Lindsey Jacobellis Showboats to Silver, Torino 2006

Four years ago marked the debut of a new Olympic sport, snowboard cross.  Combining the dramatic elements of  downhill skiing, the collisions of short-track speedskating, and numerous jumps and turns, bordercross (as it is sometimes called) was poised to become a newsmaker by popularity alone. But in the 2006 women’s finals, American Lindsey Jacobellis sacrificed a seemingly insurmountable lead on the final jump by showboating (adding a fancy board-grabbing flourish on the incline) and falling.  In an instant, her gold turned to silver, and her magnum opus turned into a mea culpa.

3. Dan Jansen Wins Gold After Sister’s Death and Three Olympiads, Lillehammer 1994

Jansen grew up in Wisconsin, where his sister Jane inspired him to take up speedskating as a recreational activity.  By 1988, he was already the World Sprint Champion and was favored to win a medal in the 500 or 1,000 meter races at the Calgary Olympics. However, on the morning he was set to compete, he received a phone call notifying him that Jane had died of cancer. Tortured by grief, he fell in competition and broke down in tears on the ice. Four years later he tried again, and again he fell. He found a stroke of luck–and a last chance–when the International Olympic Committee elected to schedule the Winter and Summer games in alternating four-year intervals, giving him a last shot at a gold to honor his sister just two years later in 1994.  There, after falling in the 500m competition, he had only the 1000m final remaining, admittedly not his signature event. Miraculously, he surged to a gold medal and a world record, and celebrated with a victory lap holding his infant daughter, Jane.

2. Giorgio Di Centa’s Tear-Jerking Medal Ceremony, Torino 2006

The Summer Olympics have a long-held tradition, where the marathon is held on the final day of competition and the medal ceremony is staged at the closing ceremonies to end the Games. Starting in 2006, the Winter Olympics adopted a similar tradition in which the cross-country skiing equivalent of the marathon (the 50k) takes the stage. Italians are wildly enthusiastic about cross-country skiing, so imagine their awe and pride when, in 2006, native son Giorgio Di Centi won the event by just 0.8 of a second. His medal ceremony took place at the Stadio Olimpico before a crowd of thousands of cheering Italian fans. And as if that weren’t enough to define the happiest day of Di Centi’s life, his sister Manuela–a former skiier herself and an IOC member selected previously to present the medals for the 50k event–awarded him with his gold. Jump to the 5-minute mark to see the crowd’s reception and try to hold back the waterworks as the national anthem is sung.

1. USA Men’s Hockey “Miracle on Ice”, Lake Placid 1980

Perhaps the granddaddy of all sporting victories, there are several reasons why this win holds a special place in human history.  In the midst of the Cold War, the Olympic Games became a metaphorical contest between arch rivals the USSR and the USA.  The Soviet hockey team was widely considered the best in the world, while the American team was comprised of a handful of amateur college athletes who had almost no popular recognition at all.  On February 22 in Lake Placid, the USSR and the USA met in a semifinal match, where the Americans led 4-3 with 10 minutes remaining in play (centuries, in hockey terms). Astoundingly, the Americans held off the Soviets to win the game, driving the tiny crowd in Upstate New York wild. However, the USSR still remained in contention for the gold, with two games left to play in the tournament. Finally, the Americans scored another dramatic victory over Finland to clinch the gold–the ultimate demonstration of David over Goliath, the consummate example of teamwork and fraternity.

At my school, Americans who were enrolled in degree programs were labelled “Degree Students,” while Americans who were specifically there for a semester or two were labelled “Study Abroads.”  So, while I was an American sewing my wild oats just like you might be, there were some major differences.  I moved to the UK when I was 18, fresh out of high school.  I’d never had a keg party experience, I’d never lived in a dry dorm, and I’d never been to a major college sporting event.  Though I wasn’t always on my best behavior, my best friends were from all over the world, and I could see through their eyes how Americans earned bad raps as being obnoxious, immature, and annoying.  Make the most of your experience. Don’t make these mistakes.

1.  Do Know That Your Accent Says It All.

Have you ever heard an English person swear? I don’t care how “sodding” pissed off they are, it sounds so much nicer than an American politely asking, “Whaat tye-am is etttt?”  Most natives of whatever country you’re in won’t be instantly appalled by your accent, but they will know approximately where you hail from.

2. Don’t Get Wasted and Yell Things That Would Be Funny at Home.

As I just stated, your accent gives you away.  Which can work to your advantage… or not.  Screaming your school’s sports chant– P-I-T-T Let’s Go Pitt!– is not only loud and obnoxious, but do you really think the residents of Queensland, Australia give a f*** about the University of Pittsburgh?  Singing bar songs (American or otherwise) will also make everyone, including fellow Americans, want to punch you in the face.

3.  Do Be Polite.

You’re bound to get lost.  Or at least need to ask directions.  Be nice about it.  If you don’t understand the public transportation system, ask a station attendant, but be nice.  When I was in London, I would ask politely, “Do you know when the next train to [random borough] is coming?” And if I was cordial, they might ask where my final destination was, and then give me a better route that no guidebook could ever highlight.

4.  Don’t Get Angry Because Their Systems Are Different.

Screaming, “God, the T is so much more efficient” on a train or bus isn’t going to welcome any assistance.  Getting angry because the subway (or whatever they happen to call it over there) doesn’t run 24 hours a day isn’t going to get you home.  And if you ask a stranger for help, and they don’t know how to point you in the right direction, blatant rudeness is just uncalled for.  Getting frustrated because you can’t understand their language/accent also isn’t going to encourage them to be patient with you.

5.  Do Learn the Customs.

Immerse yourself in the culture any way you can.  If you have a work Visa, get a part time job.  You’ll meet the locals, or other study abroads from other countries.  I worked at a freaking Starbucks, and helped a Chinese coworker with his verb agreements.  He gave me a paper art Tiger.  I also befriended several English students, who explained the concepts of A-Levels, and years later, we are still close.  They also brought me to the bars and clubs that no other “Study Abroads” had stumbled upon.

If you can’t work or if you don’t waste your time behind a cash register in a foreign land, try to befriend the waitress at the cafe you go to every weekend, or attend as many community events as you can, just to take it all in.

6.  Don’t Insist on Sticking to Your American Ways.

How do you know that German delicacy won’t whet your palate? Just give it a try.  Don’t insist on shaking hands when the customs of your new country are to bow.  Sure, things may seem awkward at first, but eventually, they’ll grow on you.  Why not stay in the states if you’re going to cry over the difference in plumbing systems?   Being narrow-minded will only mean you’re missing out on a culture that could change your life.  Oh, and though it might be okay to shack up at a frat party, keep in mind that in some parts of the world, our American ways can be shocking.  You don’t have to censor yourself necessarily, but just be smart.

7.   Do Travel.

If you’re studying in a European country, you can get a cheap flight to so many other parts of the continent, on the cheap.  Check out Ireland, Italy, Spain, or France.  Check out a place you’ve never heard of (the Canary Islands are to Britain what Cancun is to the U.S.)  If you’re in a big country, like Australia, China, or Africa, check out another province.  Even if it’s just for the weekend.  Once you’re back in the states, these place won’t be so accessible.

8.  Don’t  Be Too Impulsive.

If you buy the first token souvenir you see, you may regret it later.  You might find find a better deal five minutes later (or you might get screwed over the first time around).  Take your time to learn about the trends of the country, and buy something more sentimental than a “J’Adore Paris” t-shirt.  You don’t have to do it all in one day– you’ve got a few months to learn the ropes.

9.  Do Enjoy Yourself.

Don’t cry every night because you miss your family.  Don’t rack up a phone bill calling your boyfriend in the States.  Take in all of the little things, whether it’s a tiny coffee shop or a local park.  The days of your study-abroad will fly by.  Make it count.

10.  Don’t Feel the Need to Take Unnecessary Pictures.

Imagine you’re in Times Square in New York.  You know that gaggle of people taking pictures of Planet Hollywood, who take up the whole sidewalk and won’t let any pedestrians pass until they’ve gotten their group shot? Ugh.  Asking the coffee shop attendant in Amsterdam to pose for a pic of you and your first space cake is cliche and annoying.  It’s okay to document all of the new sights you encounter, but there’s no need to objectify the locals for your own personal scrap-booking needs.

11. Don’t View a Lower Drinking Age as an All-Access Party Pass.

In countries with more leniant drinking laws, students your age have been raised to drink in moderation.  It’s not such a big deal to get into a bar without being carded.  So, if you’re studying abroad and you’re not 21, take your newfound legality as an opportunity to learn about how certain wines are made, or how hoppy you like your beer.  Try all of the “real” Sangria, Sake, Mojitos, Caipirhinas, and Ales that you can, but learn to appreciate a nice drink, rather than play the “how many beers can I pound in an hour” game.

Wait… a model is being called too skinny? By someone who works in the fashion industry?

When I heard that I couldn’t help thinking: “Finally! Is the world of fashion finally getting some sense in them?”

Of course, all of us normal folk know that the runway models are too skinny. It’s been a subject of constant controversy for years and one that is especially important to discuss as we attempt to bring more attention to the tragic effects of eating disorders. Models’ stick-thin figures are unrealistic, unhealthy, and unattainable—yet girls everywhere accept them as the standard to which to compare themselves (only to fall short in comparison). Because of this, the fashion industry is often blamed for so many young women developing eating disorders. For too many years, we’ve become used to sickly-looking models walking the runways, and have come to accept it as the norm.

But now it appears that things are beginning to change. Slowly.

Back in 2006, Spain banned too-thin models from the catwalk at Madrid’s Fashion Week, turning away any model with a B.M.I. (or Body Mass Index, which takes into account both height and weight) of less than 18. Representatives for Madrid’s regional government stated that the fashion industry has a “responsibility to portray healthy body images,” especially since “many teenagers imitate what they see on the catwalk.”

Not surprisingly, many people in the fashion industry weren’t thilled, arguing that designers had a choice in what type of models they want to use, and worried about “gazelle-like” models’ careers being harmed. (Editor’s Note: Couldn’t they just eat a little bit and try again?)

However, Spain’s move also inspired some change. Many praised Spain’s attempt at creating a more realistic representation of women in the fashion industry, and Italy followed suit, also banning too-thin models from fashion shows in Milan that same year. More recently, fashion designer Maria Grachvogel made headlines when she expressed anger over the shortage of curvier models. Grachvogel, who is best known for apparently “magic” pants that are said “flatter all women,” has said that she preferred size-10 models, but when she asked modeling agencies for their curviest models, most of the girls she was presented with were below a size 8.

Grachvogel’s preference for models with “a bit of shape” has only reignited the fight over the portrayal of women in the fashion industry, and it seems that now (at long last), small steps are being made to have more realistic representations of the average woman in the fashion industry.

We are probably still a long way away from a truly realistic representation of women on the catwalk, but hearing Kelly Cutrone tear overly skinny models apart gives us a bit of hope that it’s coming. The fashion industry may hate the idea, but change is never easy.

For the first time all season, last night’s episode of The Hills was action packed! I was actually not that surprised, because of course everything would go down as soon as LC left town. Remember how everything changed when she went to Paris?

But still – it was intense. Things happened. And, more importantly, really deep conversations were had.

Like this doozy between Audrina and Lo as they ate lunch during their (forced) week of bonding:

“I have 2 knives,” says Audrina, confused.

“I have 2 forks,” responds Lo. “TRADE!!”

Ah, that is true friendship. They really are getting along – at least until the BIGGEST DRAMA EVER happens: Audrina starts chatting Heidi up at the bar and then meets up with Heidi (who happened to be wearing a lot of leather) and Spencer at the X-games party. And not only does she meet up with them, she starts getting all huggy and lovey with Heidi about their friendship and how they used to be BFF.

“We’re grownups now!”

“Praise Jesus I am not involved in that!”

Not that we can blame her because you and I both know we’ve been there before; the alcohol is flowing and things start to get a little hazy. Before you know it you are telling everyone how much you love them, how you “totally need to hang out!” and how you really miss them. Really.

Audrina even tells Heidi about the Stephanie and Doug situation, to which Heidi responds with my second favorite line of the night: “That was, like, her Doug.” I get what she is going for here – Stephanie is a backstabbing bitch – but Heidi couldn’t come up with anything better than using Doug’s name to describe Doug?

That’s the best you can do, MTV Heidi?

But all that is only half of the sh*t that happened last night. Obviously, we watched as the real Stephanie Pratt started coming out. And the real Stephanie Pratt is horny and wants to do Doug now.

I have no problem with Pratt going on a date with Doug; after all, LC broke things off with him, which should mean he is fair game for everyone else. And the kid has a freaking PLANE – someone needs to date him.

My problem with Stephanie is that she is deliberately plotting (with Spencer, no less!) to go behind Lauren’s back with the boy. Even though she shouldn’t technically have to, Stephanie can wait a few more days to tell LC before going on the date. Yes, it is annoying, but it is in the Girl Code, and girls are annoying. Especially LC. She even told Spencer that she and Doug will just tell people they are only friends.

Because there is NO WAY anyone would ever find out. It is not like there are cameras constantly following them around, or that any of this will ever end up on TV.

Lauren eventually comes home from Italy, A.K.A. a giant construction site, and is updated on all the happenings while she was gone. She gives Audrina an angry look when she finds out she was hangin’ with Heidi, calls Doug “my Doug” when hearing about the Stephanie sitch and then goes to dinner with Brody where he gives her a big, fat, “I told you so.”

And you could cut the sexual tension with a knife.

Then the episode ended. And my guy friend who was watching with me (and, no, I did not force him to!) looked exhausted.

“Were our lives ever that dramatic?”

“Nope! And that’s why no one ever wanted to watch us.”

Can’t wait for the Stephanie/LC sh*tstorm next week!

On Tuesday, the United States and Czech Republic signed the first part of the controversial missile defense system pact. Russia responded with a warning that if the US and Czech Republic go ahead with the system it will be forced to react with military means. The US maintains that the system is aimed at the Middle East, not Russia.If the US gets its’ way, by 2012 the shield will be operable—consisting of a tracking radar site in the Czech Republic and 10 interceptor missiles in Poland.

In Other News:

Also on Tuesday, the White House officially apologized to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi after a major diplomatic screw-up. In the official press kit distributed to reporters accompanying the President to the G8 summit, Berlusconi was referred to as a man, “hated by many”, “known for governmental corruption and vice”, and as a “political dilettante (amateur)”.

Apparently the bio was taken directly from the Encyclopedia of World Biography. Berlusconi is one of Bush’s few friends in Western Europe and a key supporter of the Iraq war.

Presumptive Presidential candidate John McCain is coming under fire following his budget-balancing boast. Economists and fiscal experts have said that it is unlikely that McCain’s spending and tax cuts package will achieve this goal.

Part of his proposals is a one-year freeze in most domestic spending (education, scientific research, law enforcement, etc), “to allow for a comprehensive review”. It is unlikely that such a freeze will be passed through anything but a republican dominated Congress.

Moreover, McCain has already admitted that his ambitious goals require “rapid economic growth”—something which we’re not likely to see very soon.

McCain has also pledged to extend most of the Bush tax cuts which, according to many economists, will widen, not shrink the deficit.

In other McCain news, on Tuesday, the plain-spoken candidate reacted to a report of rising U.S. cigarette exports to Iran stating “Maybe that’s a way of killing ‘em”. Last year, when asked if there was a plan to attack Iran in the works, McCain responded, stating “You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran?” He then proceeded to serenade the crowd with his own rendition: “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.” Is it just me or does it seem like an Iran War will be inevitable if McCain takes the presidency?

And Now For Something Completely Different:

A group of civic-minded San Franciscans are petitioning the city for the erection of a tribute to President George W. Bush when he leaves office at the end of this year. Their idea? Naming a sewage plant after Bush. Organizer Brian McConell explains:

“It’s important to remember our leaders in the right historical context. In President Bush’s case, we think that we will be cleaning up a substantial mess for the next 10 or 20 years. The sewage treatment facility’s job is to clean up a mess, so we think it’s a fitting tribute.”

Needless to say, Republicans are not amused.

That’s the News!

Our trip to Italy began as most do: pleasantly, in romantic Rome. We had been dating for nearly a year and, for two months leading up to the trip, he quit drinking and limited his smoking! I was feeling optimistic. We spent the day walking to all the major sites in Rome except for the Sistine Chapel, which we agreed would be a nice culmination of our travels and saved for the end of our trip.

Reason #1: A Peroni in Florence

Walking along the main promenade our first evening in fiery “Firenze,” he was hungry and stopped by a pizza joint, ordering pizza and a Peroni. “I can’t travel in Italy and not drink at least one Peroni,” he insisted. He was hungover the next morning, and we were an hour late to our reserved date at the Uffizi.

Reason #2: A Moretti in Venice

We arrived in the maze that is Venice by train. Claiming he was hot and in need of a refreshment, he ordered a Moretti at a nearby café. Then, upon arriving at our hotel, he continued to drink at the nearby bar while I showered. Four beers later and much to my embarrassment, he jumped off a bridge into the contaminated channel. A passing resident scolded him and a fight nearly ensued. For the remainder of our stay, he was on a quest to find the highest bridge from which to jump. Due to a “mysterious” ear infection, he ultimately decided against it.

Reason #3: Wrestling Match in Venice

In what became known as “The Wrestling Match that Shook Venice,” a shouting match ensued one evening by the river over who could speak better Spanish. At the climax of this spectacle, I was clinging to a lamppost sideways. He was pulling on my ankles, insisting that we return to the hotel together. After punching his anger out on another lamppost, two nice old ladies asked if I was okay and I frankly replied, “No.”

Reason #4: Peeing in the sink in Bologna

An argument culminated with him walking out, getting wasted, then stumbling back to the hotel and peeing in the sink three times that night. Hungover as usual the next morning, he agreed to sober up. I told him I would leave him if he picked up another drink.

Reason #5: An unwelcome beer in Ancona

The day before my birthday, we were about to board a ship headed for Croatia. After buying the tickets, we purchased some groceries and he insisted that we drink to celebrate my big day. I firmly gave him an ultimatum: “You buy beer and I will leave for Croatia without you.” He opted for the beer; I sold his boat ticket. He bought another ticket and apologized for his flawed judgment.

Reason #6: Fooled in Naples

He purchased a brand new Sony video camera from a guy on the street for 150 Euro. We both knew it was too good to be true. On our ride to Amalfi, he discovered no camera—just a box stuffed with a bag of sand.

Reason #7: Disruption in Positano

A week without alcohol and his mouth was watering. He started drinking, so I changed hotel rooms. When he got back to the hotel and discovered I had disappeared, he pissed off the owner so badly that he was kicked out onto the street. That evening, in a drunken search to find me, he fell down a steep flight of stairs and landed on his chin. The next day, which happened to be a national holiday, was spent having tea and cookies at a nearby café with a marching band, the Mayor of Positano, and six other ambulance drivers, policemen, translators, and counselors.

Reason #8: Visiting Capri’s Blue Grotto alone

I tried a new approach to my travels: shack up at night, but travel solo by day. While he downed shots of tequila at the pier, I visited the Blue Grotto and met a New Jersey cop. I told him of my recent woes, and that I would be going to Sicily. He told me he knew the Chief of Police in Palermo and wrote his name and number in my journal. He told me to call him in case anything would happen on the rest of my trip.

Reason #9: While I was sleeping in Palermo

I fell asleep early and while I was sleeping he decided to drag my belongings into the bathroom and perform a full-on search. Upon finding the name and number in my journal, he tapped me awake and began questioning me. I told him it was none of his business and he proceeded to flush my belongings down the toilet. My camera, iPod, journal, car keys, jewelry—gone. Again, I changed hotel rooms and the next morning was rudely awakened by a swift kick to the hotel door and an angry, psychotic drunk in my face wondering why I wasn’t answering the phone or his knocks at my door.

Reason #10: The Sistine Chapel will have to wait

My passport: the only valuable I had left in possession (other than my life). At this point, I figured, if I want to get out of this in one piece, I should change my flights and leave now. I flew directly home, leaving him high and dry. The Sistine Chapel will have to wait for my next, hopefully drama-free visit.

There, I said it, and I’m only a little embarrassed about it. I just returned from a two-week sojourn to Berlin and Florence, and the single most amazing thing I saw (and have perhaps ever seen) is Michelangelo’s sculpture of David.

Nothing has ever, ever made me want to get with somebody so much.

Until you see the sculpture in person, it’s easy to pass it off as a commodity. No picture can do it justice, and it’s hard to understand just how incredible it is without seeing it for yourself. The main thought going through my mind as I stood there looking at it, though, was, “Holy cow. How the hell could Michelangelo sculpt a man as anatomically gorgeous as this one? He must have used himself as a model, because the details are just too precise. Michelangelo must have been freaking hot!”

This might seem ridiculous, but trust me, it’s not. There are details on David that pictures just don’t show. The veins in the arms, the just-so rippling of the hip and thigh muscles, the soft framing of the bone structure in the hands…it’s all there, and I am convinced that no artist could ever create that kind of detail without using a reference. And when you’re sculpting a nude that’s the same sex as you are, the easiest reference to use is yourself.

Conclusion: Michelangelo must have been ripped.

In doing a little research about him, some sources such as Gay Heroes and The Raw Story provide persuasive evidence that he was gay, although Wikipedia suggests that he fell in love with a woman later in life. Though I wouldn’t really feel comfortable saying “it’s a shame that Michelangelo was gay,” there is a part of me that wishes I could zap myself back to the early 16th century and court him.

Until time travel is perfected, though, I guess I’ll just have to settle for staring at deeply inadequate pictures of the David and sighing poetically to myself.

Ever feel like lying on the beach in peace? Ever want to make the catcalls and leers and “hey ladies, need help putting that lotion on?” disappear from your favorite sandy hang-out?

The Italians feel your pain. And have done something about it.

Fausto Ravaglio, owner of 50 miles of coastline along the Italian Adriatic has made the area completely male free. “It’s a simple idea” he says, “”We have given the women their own world.”

“Pink Beach” (clever dirty pun or innocent gender/color coordination?) opened last week, complete with exercise classes, water aerobics and makeup tips. If any dudes are stupid enough to stumble farther than the parking lot, a big pink sign greets them with a stern “No Men” warning.

If you ask me, this sounds like a great idea. Sure, sometimes you go to the beach to pick up guys, but sometimes you just want to sunbathe without worrying about how to lie so your stomach looks just right or walk down to the water without some weirdo eyeing your every move. If I ever visit the Adriatic coast (which, God willing, will happen someday), you can be sure I’ll check it out.

Someone else who’s undoubtedly “checking out” this new chick hotspot? The single male lifeguard employed by Ravaglio.

Talk about a nice day at the office.