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Malcom in the Middle has gone insane

Sick of waiting for him to call/text/IM/GChat/email?

Today ladies, I want you to take a little trip back in time to when I was in college…way back in “the ‘90s.”  I remember meeting a super cute guy at my job on campus.  I worked at this fun little underground cafe called Dante’s (yes, as in the Inferno) where you could order sundaes, malts, soft pretzels and my friends’ all-time fav, cheesy popcorn that I would bring back to the dorm to be the most loved friend for about the six minutes that it lasted.  My reign was always short-lived as I would always be ousted by my friend Lisa who would worked at the local pizza place and brought home pizza with sauerkraut. Good times, but I digress.

At the beginning of my sophomore year, a super hottie walked into Dante’s and after a malt, cheesy popcorn and lots of witty banter, I was crushin’ pretty hard.  Problem was, I only knew his name and a little about him so I did what every other lady did back then: used my Nancy Drew-like sleuthing skills (that would have impressed the CIA) and got to work.  It took about two weeks but I found out which dorm he lived in, his major, his friend group and some other small details.  I also found out, with a little random luck, that he had a long-time girlfriend at another school.  Although slightly bummed, it was fun to have a little crush, talk about it with my friends and keep my skills sharp in case the CIA ever did come a knockin’.

Fast forward to current day and think about the exact same situation.  Now, if I would have met him, within 10 minutes I would know all the info above plus: The Hangover is his favorite movie, he is into indie rock and has a love for old school rap, that he no interest in politics and seems to love roller coasters, taco bell and Megan Fox.  I would have also seen pics of his friends (kinda douchey), his family dog (cute) as well as what could be his current or ex-girlfriend (boo).  If I dig a little deeper I can find out he is a regular on gaming sites and loves to debate the evil of mainstream music and the record companies.  PLUS, don’t forget, about 7 different ways to contact him.  Without even talking to him anytime soon, I can follow his daily life and let the crush bloom into full blown smitten.

This is where we buy the ticket to the crazy train.

I will be the first to admit that I am little addicted to “the Facebook” and have been known to say that I am dating my Mac because of the amount of time we spend together, but I have to wonder if this constant availability is really helping us when it comes to dating.  Knowing everything about a person without having more than a 20-minute conversation with them allows our minds to judge (I don’t want to date a gamer) or create unrealistic expectations and hopes for someone we barely know (he loves dogs, I love dogs!).  Then, when we don’t get that text, call, email, or chat we are devastated and it does a number on our self-esteem.

Sound familiar?
It’s not your fault.

Without asking for it, you have become trailblazers for a new world of dating. The biggest problem is that without any guidelines, you are inventing the rules for dating with technology and mostly learning the hard way….from your own mistakes.

Well, CollegeCandy and I started talking and we are here to help.  We have created the “It’s Complicated Spring Sorority Tour” that will be making stops on campuses across the Midwest and East Coast, through the end of February and March, to guide sorority ladies through the battlefield of college dating with technology. Most importantly, we will help you answer the never-ending question “to text or not to text.”

During my stop on campuses, I’ll be sitting down with girls like you to discuss:

* The Five Biggest Dating Mistakes college ladies are making without even knowing it.
* How to know when to make the first move and when to hang back.
* How technology can be your best friend (and worst enemy).
And finish with…
* A Top 10 Technology Guidelines everyone should know if they are dating or flirting
with technology!

Ready to start uncomplicating things?  Interested in having CollegeCandy and I come to your school?  Email PR [at] CollegeCandy [dot] com and we will talk.  Old school….over the phone.

[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up, ladies.]

I think it was the genius singer-songwriter Avril Lavigne who brought up the ever important question…”Why did you have to go and make things so complicated?”

Man, do we complicate things. Sometimes things are so easy, almost simple, and we somehow make things harder than they are. We add feelings where they don’t exist, we try to have “the talk” before we even know someone’s good and not so good stuff, we have sex way too soon in a relationship (yeah…I said it), we put up a wall, get clingy, project our crap….the list goes on and on. At the end of the day we are all just trying to connect. Build. Share. Learn. Love. That’s it. It is a human need, it is us who complicates it.

Let me give you an example.

I have actually had female clients and friends that have told me a story that ends with “well he says he just not interested in dating right now…what do you think that means?” What do I think that means? Well, as someone who has started to speak fluent manspeak I will translate it for you. It means “he isn’t interested in dating right now.” Yup, that’s it. But women will sit and drink wine with their friends for hours and deliberate the whole entire dating relationship to decipher this cryptic message. They turn into the modern day Nancy Drew looking for clues into what happened. Here is some of the answers I have heard.

“He got scared of getting too close.”
“He was intimidated by your success.”
“He must not be over his ex.”
“He likes you TOO much.”

Wha?

OK, I wasn’t in those relationships. I have absolutely no idea what happened. But here is what I do know: He isn’t interested. That’s it. That is all you need to know. Somehow all of the stuff that brought him and you to that point just isn’t the right match for him. It isn’t personal. Most likely it has nothing to do with you, it just isn’t right.

So really, is it that complicated?

This week, work on uncomplicating things. Let go of the feeling that it is all about you and just have fun with it. Get to know someone for the pure pleasure of understanding another person and their differences. Build a connection with the intention of sharing, instead of trying to manipulate it and figure what will happen in the future. It probably won’t happen that way anyhow. Give a hug…because you can.

Once you start to uncomplicate, you can just enjoy the journey. Isn’t that the point?

Ready to uncomplicate things?  Join me for the College Candy Dating Makeover starting soon!

I remember having a drunken bonding moment with a really cool guy in college a few years ago, and he asked for my number. I asked for his screen name instead. I mean, IM-ing someone is so much more casual, and so much less stressful. You don’t have to feel your heart thumping through your chest as the phone rings. Is he going to answer? Is it going to go to voicemail? Is he blocking me? What do I say if he picks up?

With IM, you can see if he’s away or idle, and choose your own adventure from there. You can leave a casual “Just wanted to say I had a great time last night” IM, rather than starting a phone call with the same line and then struggling to make small talk. Likewise, you can make small talk behind the shield of the IM window, where he can’t hear your voice crack, and where you can copy and paste the whole convo to all of your girlfriends and get advice while you try to weed out his intentions.

And then came Facebook. The social network has made quite the mark on the dating scene. There’s the poke, which can be viewed as casual, flirty, or creepy. There’s the “it’s complicated” label for the relationship you’re in (finally- you can be open about having a f*ck buddy without warding off the rest of the male population!); and of course, there’s the wall post, which makes the casual IM seem like the awkward phone call of yesteryear.

I mean, the Facebook Comment is meant to be a quick exchange, with no pressure to make conversation. When you make a phone call, you have to come up with a discussion and keep the ball rolling. When you IM, there’s still the slight chance that he comes un-idle and writes back. With the F/B comment, it’s open and shut. Even if he writes back immediately, you can pretend you didn’t read it, and wait until the drunken-hookup hormones die down before you decide whether you want to pursue a fling or keep it casual.

Even better, the post-date phone call screams “interested.” So there’s not really a way to let someone down gently. You meet, you have a date, you feel a connection. Then you wait three days. If he calls, he wants you; if he doesn’t, you’re done. But Facebook gives people a chance to be “friends” first (and I use the term loosely, since Facebook friends and true camaraderie are entirely different entities). But the “friending” option is beneficial in two crucial ways. One, you don’t owe a Facebook friend anything. You don’t owe him a date, just like he doesn’t owe you an explanation if his last fifteen comments are from blonde supermodels in training. Two, since you don’t owe him a date, you can safely flirt through F/B until you know it’s time to make a move.

Say you meet someone at a party, and your buzz makes you believe you could be compatible. He calls, and you’re pressured to make some sort of plans. Then you have to fake food poisoning and skip out on the check because the beer goggles have flown off with the force of a Kansas tornado. However, if you have access to his Facebook, you can check out his interests, his friends, and, most importantly, his photos. You can also poke and message for an undetermined amount of time, and bide your time until you’re ready to meet up again.

Yeah, Facebook and Myspace have their flaws, which you’ll discover when you’re denied a job because a recruiter saw your kegstand photos during a background check. But they’ve changed the face of relationships. And personally, I think the dating scene has gotten easier. Nobody ever got an STD from a cyber-poke.

[photo from jupiterimages]