I really don’t think Jennifer Lopez has aged at all in the last 15 years. It’s absolutely phenomenal. I’m pretty sure she could still show up to an award show in a dress like this and absolutely make everyone else comparatively speaking look like hideous trolls. She must exfoliate with diamonds and the blood of dolphins.

Alas, the rest of the magazine wasn’t nearly as festive as J.Lo or her boobs. It’s, of course, holiday themed, and I don’t know about you, but when I think of holidays I think of stress, excessive consumerism, disappointments, and drama. So yes, I’m a total Grinch. All of these articles making it sound like a perfect holiday season is actually attainable just made me cranky and cynical.

What also made me cranky? Glamour got a dude (a writer from The Daily Show) to respond to readers’ inquiries as to why men do what they do, and I think most of his answers are sugarcoated and avoid the root of the problem.

Glamour says: Men say they want space when they wish to return to a time when they had no responsibility for someone’s life or happiness but their own.
Jasmine says: Basically, it means “I don’t like you, and have no interest in pursuing a future with you.”

Glamour says: Men don’t like it when you show interest because it makes them feel like they’re obligated to you.
Jasmine says:  Men who are all over you when you’re busy but then disappear as soon as you’re available like to play games and derive enjoyment from knowing they have “power.” As soon as you assert yourself, they run away like the insecure losers that they are.

Glamour says: Your ex-boyfriends stay in contact with you because they want you to still have a favorable impression.
Jasmine says: In essence, they still want to keep you as a potential hookup option, but they don’t actually want to go through the work of respecting you, being there for you, or having any kind of obligation to you as a person.

Glamour says: Men pretend they don’t like you when their friends are around because they don’t want to appear whipped.
Jasmine says: Or because they’re assholes.

What a loony. This is why even Dr. Phil says no one can be friends with their exs. I’d like to parade my bad boyfriends around a stage too J.Lo, but it’s called social skills and I want you to reevaluate yours. Now I understand being a celebrity gets you a lot of leeway with this rule, I know Taylor Swift and Adele enjoy this privilege, so I shouldn’t be surprised.

But ladies, lets not make this a common pattern. I say we take Samantha from Sex and The City’s approach; “Honey when I’m done with them, I’m done with them.” Some ideas of how to better reflect on an ex include:

Remembering both good and bad times, equally.

The equal is vital. If you get too wrapped up in the good, drunk-crying phone calls get made. But if you get wrapped up in the bad, you end up plastering your most recent ex-boyfriend’s car in CVS-brand maxi pads.  Trust me on this one.

Karma is real.

You don’t want your former talking sh*t about you? So don’t do the same to them! I know it’s hard and in your close-knit group of friends it’s always excused, but just remember that what you put out comes back. So if you spend your entire Halloween telling his frat brothers how small his friend is, expect retaliation.

When in doubt, put on some Beyonce.

I don’t care about your age, your gender or your music taste. When you’re feeling that awkward confusion about an ex; “should I call you to tell you I hate you?” or “am I still in love with you?”,  get to your nearest music source and play a lot of Beyonce. Something spiritual will happen friends, I can’t explain it but just know it will fix everything. Because when does she not?

Whislt you mull over these nuggets of wisdom, here are photos of J.Lo and her famous former flames:

Love lessons from the Jersey Shore

How to be a guy’s girl without losing your fembot side

See, even celebs know how to stay close with exes

Does konad nail stamping actually work?

J. Lo wear spanx!

Disney Princess voice actors unite, fulfilling our childhood dreams

Miley’s gonna be an aunt!

The benefit of unemployment: catching up on daytime tv!

Alexander Skarsgard stays cool and sexy on set

But even I have a line. And let me tell you, these movies that I’m about to list. Well, let’s just say they crossed it. They ran across it. Sprinted even. They’re so far over that line that I can’t even see it anymore…

10. Post Grad. This movie is terrible. Because it shows you all the struggles of Post Grad life without any of the payoff. Alexis Bledel’s character struggles for months. And when she finally gets the job of her dreams she gives it all up to go after a boy. Ugh! Gag me!

9. When in Rome. So Kristen Bell went from playing a badass modern day Nancy Drew on Veronica Mars to a neurotic single lady in Manhattan who can only get guys to fall in love with her with magic coins? She should really talk to her agent.

8. Over Her Dead Body. Eva Langoria comes back from the dead to stop her ex-boyfriend from moving on with his life. Chaos ensues. Oh, wait a minute. So that’s where Grey’s Anatomy got that whole ‘bring Denny back from the dead’ thing? I can’t believe I’m saying this but Katherine Heigl did it better.

7. Georgia Rule. I don’t even really know what this movie is about. And I really don’t even need to. Because if a girl can’t even make it through the trailer for a chick flick, than it really, really is a terrible chick flick.

6. Nights in Rodanthe. Most Nicholas Sparks adaptations are super cheesy, so I know I shouldn’t have expected too much from this one either. But Richard Gere was in it! Richard Gere! He brought us An officer and a Gentleman and Pretty Woman! Richard Gere, who I had high hopes for. Richard Gere who… starred in a really horrible movie.

5. Maid in Manhattan. Hey J.Lo, I love you on American Idol and all and I think your music is great, but this has got to be one of your worst ideas ever. (Yes, including that bedazzled bandanna you were sportin’ in 2000 and that Louboutin song you sang.) If we want to see a Cinderella story we’ll watch, well, A Cinderella Story (maybe this should be the top 11 this week.), not a really bad rewrite. So just stick to the music for now.

4. Crossroads. Oh Britney, you really thought you could be an actor, didn’t you? Well if anything good came out of this movie it was that it taught you that you can’t.

3. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Really Matthew McConaughey? How bad off could you be that you’re willing to star in a supernatural rewrite of a Christmas Carol. This movie was so wrong on so many different levels I don’t even know where to begin. Well, I guess I’d start with the cheesy flashbacks, the horrible plot line, the predictable ending,  and the unoriginal characters.

2. Bride Wars. Anne Hathway and Kate Hudson. Two reasonably sane women. At least until they started dying each other’s hair blue. This movie epitomizes the bridzilla stereotype. Every bad thought society has about the way women become obsessed with the frivolous unnecessary details of a wedding are reaffirmed in this movie.

1. Killers. Katherine Heigl has never met a horrible chick flick she hasn’t liked. But this one goes above and beyond the call of duty. A generic blonde emotionally stunted female meets and falls in love with a man who turns out to be just like her father. Really? I mean, really?

Note: As you can see, most of these movies are the result of TV actors and singers trying to make in on the big screen. Apparently…they can’t.

I’m sure there are plenty more awful, terrible, no good, very bad chick flicks. Which ones make you cringe most?

So I’m kinda obessessed with my ex

Turn heads with these heels

How to study sex without being a sucker

Um this is hard. Which Justin Timberlake is hotter?

How is this humanely possible?

Ryan Seacrest and J.Lo trying to out diva each other

Facebook photos about to get fancy

Judah Friedlander teaches karate to strippers. sure.

J-Lo is making bank on Idol

The French want you to adopt a guy

What’s more terrifying?

Oh now it makes sense. NOT

6 cute dorm room decorating tips

7 signs of alcohol abuse

A little shirtless True Blood actions

Lilo wants to be a mom?

How to get the most from your college education

That’s a lot room for ad space fabulous articles, Glamour. This is good!  Just another reason to love September.

Well, first of all – this issue was tantalizingly fabulous.  Honestly, after flipping through 89 pages of ads, I read it cover to cover in about 2 hours – the way you read a magazine when you have a lot of time on your hands and you want to sink everything all in (reading the copy of the ads and the editor’s note).  September’s Glamour featured a lengthy spread with Justin Bieber awkwardly hanging out in an arcade with a (significantly older) female model.  However, J-Lo spiced up the pages with a totally hot photo shoot wearing leopard print, writing on mirrors with lipstick, and eating Chinese take-out decked out in stilettos and cat woman glasses. Standard.

Other articles told me what my headaches really mean, how to perfect a beautoumous blow-out, a fab article about perfecting the ‘classic look’ with Tommy Hilfiger, and the ever-so-helpful ‘Girl’s Guide to Appetizers,’ which made me curse everything I’ve lived for since I’ve thought quesadillas were the healthy choice.  At 1,000 calories a pop, Glamour claimed otherwise. For some reason I just received the same feeling in the pit of my stomach as I did when my mother told me Santa Clause wasn’t real.

Anywho, within in the depths of the juicy pages of Glamour this month (I seriously had such a such a good time reading this issue that I brought it with me to the bathroom….twice. Stupid quesadillas…), a particular article made me stop my heavy page scanning in my tracks. Entitled ‘Six Ways to Rule the World,’ I, an ambitious yet unemployed recent grad, was ready for some inspiration.

Glamour Says: Live your life as if you’re going to be famous (because then maybe you will be).
Brittany Says: Ok, wait. Didn’t someone do this and write a book about it? Oh yeah, I think America cordially called them Speidi and now Heidi can’t sleep on her stomach or jump up and down, and Spencer Pratt has lost his mind in crystals and facial hair.  This sounds like a fabulous idea! Thanksbutnothanks, Glam!

Glamour Says: Understand: Work is Mr.Right.
Brittany Says: While I totally believe you should strive to be successful in order to be happy, I also understand you shouldn’t try to make work your number one heartthrob.  If you focus too much on work, it will deplete your life of what you really need (relationships with people and, most of, all a Mr.Right relationship with yourself).  You are Mrs. Right. You are most important. Forgive me for sounding like a Dr.Phil broken record, but in his glory days he made some good points.

Glamour Says: Retire from the debate team.
Brittany Says: You can listen and express your opinion at the same time.  A healthy relationship with this balance shall ensue, but don’t retire from the debate team entirely. As long as you’re not out-rightly hurting anybody’s feelings, say it loud and clear.

Dear Dude,

I want a boyfriend. I have been single for the last four years, and although there have been opportunities for love to kindle, things just never seem to work out. I think a part of it is my fault. I am very conscious about my weight (I am full-figured). I think I am a very intelligent, funny and generous person, and I have a great circle of friends. But I don’t know how to show a guy that I have all these qualities because, frankly, most guys seem more interested in the way women look. Dude, how can I make a guy see past my weight to the person that I am inside, when looks play such a huge role in a guy’s opinion of a girl?

Sincerely,
Single and Not Loving It

P.S. I want to add that I am not ugly, just a little overweight.

Dear Single and Not Loving It,

First things first…thank you.  Thank you for bringing this up.  This is such an important issue that isn’t discussed enough!  I have ranted and raved about this for a decade now and I hope that someone will start to listen.  So here we go!

Real men want real women!  That’s the bottom line.  Since when did “so thin I may shatter every bone in my body if I fall and I look like a cancer patient” become sexy?  Has anyone else noticed how closely these women resemble pre-pubescent teenage girls?  I have!  And what does that say about the people who think that’s attractive?

And on top of looking totally ridiculous with your hips and ribs showing through your clothes, being that hungry all the time turns a nice girl into a complete bitch!  I know when I skip a meal I get pretty irritated; I would likely go postal if I tried to survive on 500 to 1000 calories a day. And that may be high for some of these chicks!

Let me give you some examples and/ or inspirations:

Christina Hendricks = SEXY
Diane Kruger = Gross
Beyonce = WOWZZA
Kate Bosworth = Gross
Sara Ramirez = SCHWING
Olsen Twins = Gross
J-Lo = GIGGITY GIGGITY
Zoe Saldana = Gross

Get the picture?

These women could all stand to have a cheesburger and cut a few workouts from the routine.  And if a guy tells you he is truly attracted to women who look like this, then consider keeping any young teenage girls you know far away from him.  Think about this logically for a second.  Women are designed to carry a certain percentage of body fat.  A womans body is designed for reproduction.  A body with very little fat (or one who is skinny fat, ie. no fat or muscle to speak of) goes against Nature’s intentions for that body. Why do you think people who look like that have to resort to multiple daily workouts and eating disorders to look that way?

So to step down from my soapbox and get to my point, try to be more like the four girls above who got very positive feedback.  Stay healthy, but don’t overdo it. And take pride in your curvy body and yourself. What you don’t realize is that right now guys are focusing on your weight because that’s what you’re focusing on. If you stop thinking about your size and think only about how funny and smart and beautiful you are, guys will see all of those things too. There is nothing sexier to a man than a girl with confidence – regardless of her size – so get out there and show guys all your wonderful qualities.

– The Dude (who takes meat on the bones over skin and bones any day of the week!)

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn’t include asking him out; boyfriend is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

An NYU student was found dead at the library this morning.

Some celebs did it all wrong on Halloween.

Is there a J.Lo sex tape coming?

Angelina Jolie needs a cookie.

Kirstie Alley tries another weight loss idea.

Kim Kardashian gets a fist to the face.

Ok, so we all know that big booties drive men crazy. I mean, look at the effects of celebrities like Kim Kardashian, J. Lo, and Beyonce have on any warm-blooded male. But as it turns out, having an apple bottom can also help prevent certain diseases.Studies at Harvard Medical School showed that having a bottom-heavy body shape can help prevent Type 2 Diabetes. (Editor’s Note: Looks like I’m safe from that… forever.) Fats stored in or around your fine a$$ help make better use of insulin, the hormone that regulates blood sugar.

Researchers say it’s not so much where the fat is stored, however, but the kind of fat stored in the booty, which proves that not all fat is bad for your health.

Well amen for that! My brother’s been teasing me about my rather large badonkadonk for as long as I can remember. I used to hate it since he insisted it needed its own area code, but I like to consider it one of my better assets these days. And the one thing keeping me healthy.

Looks like having a fat ass isn’t all that bad. I think Sir Mix-a-Lot said it best when he said “Shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt.”