I was “the good kid” growing up. I did well in school, I had a job, I was in a youth group, on my high school’s yearbook staff, tutored underprivileged kids…. the list goes on. Towards the end of my Junior year I was sick of my role and wanted to change things up a bit – to try something totally new and totally not me. I wanted to be bad. So I went to my friend’s house, smoked a lot of pot, ate 2 bags of Doritos while watching a movie, came home 2 hours past my curfew…. and puked orange in my mom’s prized powder room while I swore never to touch a bong again.

And what happened? I confessed it all to my parents and they didn’t care. In fact, they were happy I’d gone out with friends and “let loose for the night.”

My point is that my parents are awesome it’s impossible to go from good kid to bad kid to good kid as frequently and quickly as one Ms. Jenny Humphrey. One day she’s a sweet girl from Brooklyn with a sewing machine and the next she’s dropping out of school and trying to make it as a fashion designer. Then she realizes the error of her ways and becomes the good girl again, but not for long, because soon she’s taking over as Queen Bee, stepping on anyone who gets in her way. Then she’s nice again. Then she’s dating a drug dealer, sewing pills onto bolero jackets and considering giving up her v-card…. and then she’s suddenly the good girl once again who, of course, can whip up a couture frock 2 hours before a fashion show, get her dream job, and recover from being heavily drugged just in time to come home and run into her dad.

Whew.

I know the ‘Gossip Girl’ writers are just trying to stir the pot, but can we give Jenny one personality and stick with it, please? I’m getting winded just trying to keep up. It’s like The United States of Tara up in here, or something. If they want some drama, break up boring Serena and Nate. Yes, they do have the hottest, steamiest, sexiest sex scenes on the show…..

…….

Wait. Sorry. My imagination got the best of me for a moment. Where was I?

Oh yes. Serena and Nate. So, they do have some hot sex scenes and they are a cute couple, but their relationship is more boring than Dan and Vanessa’s ramen dates. Maybe it’s time to take the focus off of Little J and ruin things for some other people on the show. We haven’t had much Nate drama since his dad went to jail and he was sleeping with some hot, old lady. Let’s turn the focus back on him. Preferably shirtless….

But enough about the kiddies, let’s talk real drama. As in Chuck’s mama drama. I mean, she is his mom, right? I don’t even know what to believe anymore, but I do know that I can’t believe any woman could ever love Jack Bass. Not only is he scheming and evil, but he has a goatee! And he always talks in that creepy “I’m trying to lure underage girls to my windowless van” sorta voice. A voice that apparently also works to turn mothers against their sons, pushing them out onto the mean streets of New York City. Or, er, the dirty dorms of NYU.

Does this mean Chuck Bass has nothing left (besides his infamous pinky ring)? Is he penniless? Is his creepy uncle lounging on his couch, in his hotel, wearing his three-piece suits/ascots, drinking his scotch? I’m cringing just thinking about it. I’ve grown to love (not just lust after) Chuck this season and it kills me to see him so down and out. Who is Chuck Bass without all that money?

Hopefully we won’t have to find out. It looks like Blair’s got a little trick up her sleeve (or skirt) to help her beloved regain his empire. I’m just praying her plan doesn’t backfire and push her and Chuck apart.

Actually, that would make for some really good GG dramz. OMG, I can’t wait for next week!

If I had to choose who I’d want to win in a boxing match between Jenny Humphrey and Jack Bass, I honestly don’t think I’d be able to it. That would be like asking me to choose between rolling around naked with Joel McHale for an hour or getting 24 hours to eat as much Costco cake as I want without having to count the calories.

And it has nothing to do with that creepy facial hair Uncle Jack is sporting.

Those two got me so angry last night I kicked my coffee table and chipped my pedicure. And that only enraged me more. I said it last week and I’ll say it again: I hate bad Jenny. And last night she took my anger to a whole new level. Skipping school, turning down her dad’s waffles (I’m sorry, but I never turn down a waffle), then trying to defend Damien’s honor with “He wasn’t hitting on Serena…. he was just trying to get the drugs back so he could sell them to that girl”? Really, Jenny? That’s your defense?! Oh, and then running away with Dbag Damien after he punched my beloved Nate!? I wanted to grab her by that weave and make her watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights on repeat for 48 hours. That would teach her. Read More »

Welcome freakin’ back, Gossip Girl! I officially screamed at my television last night. Bring on the juicy.

Let me say this: I continue to have a bitter distaste for Dan, and Chuck remains (by far) my total fave. AND Lily gained some cool points tonight too. If you missed it, stop reading now, turn on your DVR, and watch. And if you watched, feel free to comment on your favorite part of last night’s stellar ep.

The show started with the usual Yale bullsh*t. Blah blah blah, aren’t they in yet, already? No, they aren’t. And there’s a certain new, young, hot teacher who is going to rock everyone’s world. Anybody else think it’s weird that Serena instantly becomes her new Shakespeare teacher’s bff? I mean, I had teachers I was tight with, but not to this degree. And, a note to Ms. Carr, never tell your students it’s your first salaried gig. That’s just asking for it.

As the Yale-shizz unravels, Serena laments to Dan that she is afraid that she’ll get into Yale, and Blair won’t. Presumptuous? Or foreshadowing?

This week’s weekly party is the opera gala. Seriously? That’s not nearly as exciting as the white party. But I suppose it’ll do, since Jack has already thrown Chuck’s dead father into the mix. We all know that Chuck was had by Jack last week, but is he going to take that? Hell. No.  And you gotta love Lily in this ep for making it happen. Read More »

Well, technically, just because Dan and Serena share a sibling, it doesn’t mean that they share DNA. But the true winning line from tonight’s GG episode, “Share me those expressive eyebrows. I can’t wait ’til you get Botox,” was too long to fit in this column’s title.

The mysterious half-brother brought the cast on quite the roller-coaster this week, and it seems that Gossip Girl has achieved Mafia status, as she has the power to order a “hit” on Dan Humphrey. Instead of sleeping with the fishes, however, Dan merely has to deal with the humiliation of the entire school learning about his hankering for tuna. Meh.

As usual, the Bass family stole the show tonight, and Uncle Jack is truly an evil, despicable human being. Since Blair’s had a change of heart, what with coddling the grieving Chuckster and all, we need a new villain that we absolutely love to hate, and Jack sure makes a splash after, what? Two episodes?

Not only does Old Man River have a giant boner for the totally illegal Blair (everyone who commented on the ‘New Years’ references last week wins ten points), but he’s also lusting for a stake in Bass Enterprises, which, much to everyone’s surprise, has just been left to Chuck Bass. What? These minors can drink their faces off, ride around in limos, globetrot for the weekend, but they can’t run billion-dollar companies? Read More »