I was “the good kid” growing up. I did well in school, I had a job, I was in a youth group, on my high school’s yearbook staff, tutored underprivileged kids…. the list goes on. Towards the end of my Junior year I was sick of my role and wanted to change things up a bit – to try something totally new and totally not me. I wanted to be bad. So I went to my friend’s house, smoked a lot of pot, ate 2 bags of Doritos while watching a movie, came home 2 hours past my curfew…. and puked orange in my mom’s prized powder room while I swore never to touch a bong again.

And what happened? I confessed it all to my parents and they didn’t care. In fact, they were happy I’d gone out with friends and “let loose for the night.”

My point is that my parents are awesome it’s impossible to go from good kid to bad kid to good kid as frequently and quickly as one Ms. Jenny Humphrey. One day she’s a sweet girl from Brooklyn with a sewing machine and the next she’s dropping out of school and trying to make it as a fashion designer. Then she realizes the error of her ways and becomes the good girl again, but not for long, because soon she’s taking over as Queen Bee, stepping on anyone who gets in her way. Then she’s nice again. Then she’s dating a drug dealer, sewing pills onto bolero jackets and considering giving up her v-card…. and then she’s suddenly the good girl once again who, of course, can whip up a couture frock 2 hours before a fashion show, get her dream job, and recover from being heavily drugged just in time to come home and run into her dad.

Whew.

I know the ‘Gossip Girl’ writers are just trying to stir the pot, but can we give Jenny one personality and stick with it, please? I’m getting winded just trying to keep up. It’s like The United States of Tara up in here, or something. If they want some drama, break up boring Serena and Nate. Yes, they do have the hottest, steamiest, sexiest sex scenes on the show…..

…….

Wait. Sorry. My imagination got the best of me for a moment. Where was I?

Oh yes. Serena and Nate. So, they do have some hot sex scenes and they are a cute couple, but their relationship is more boring than Dan and Vanessa’s ramen dates. Maybe it’s time to take the focus off of Little J and ruin things for some other people on the show. We haven’t had much Nate drama since his dad went to jail and he was sleeping with some hot, old lady. Let’s turn the focus back on him. Preferably shirtless….

But enough about the kiddies, let’s talk real drama. As in Chuck’s mama drama. I mean, she is his mom, right? I don’t even know what to believe anymore, but I do know that I can’t believe any woman could ever love Jack Bass. Not only is he scheming and evil, but he has a goatee! And he always talks in that creepy “I’m trying to lure underage girls to my windowless van” sorta voice. A voice that apparently also works to turn mothers against their sons, pushing them out onto the mean streets of New York City. Or, er, the dirty dorms of NYU.

Does this mean Chuck Bass has nothing left (besides his infamous pinky ring)? Is he penniless? Is his creepy uncle lounging on his couch, in his hotel, wearing his three-piece suits/ascots, drinking his scotch? I’m cringing just thinking about it. I’ve grown to love (not just lust after) Chuck this season and it kills me to see him so down and out. Who is Chuck Bass without all that money?

Hopefully we won’t have to find out. It looks like Blair’s got a little trick up her sleeve (or skirt) to help her beloved regain his empire. I’m just praying her plan doesn’t backfire and push her and Chuck apart.

Actually, that would make for some really good GG dramz. OMG, I can’t wait for next week!

And it has nothing to do with that creepy facial hair Uncle Jack is sporting.

Those two got me so angry last night I kicked my coffee table and chipped my pedicure. And that only enraged me more. I said it last week and I’ll say it again: I hate bad Jenny. And last night she took my anger to a whole new level. Skipping school, turning down her dad’s waffles (I’m sorry, but I never turn down a waffle), then trying to defend Damien’s honor with “He wasn’t hitting on Serena…. he was just trying to get the drugs back so he could sell them to that girl”? Really, Jenny? That’s your defense?! Oh, and then running away with Dbag Damien after he punched my beloved Nate!? I wanted to grab her by that weave and make her watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights on repeat for 48 hours. That would teach her.

And then there’s Uncle Jack. (He’s not the same Uncle Jack as before, is he? I know he’s got that weird beardy thing now, but I swear it’s a different guy. Whatever. He’s still a dirty, disgusting, sleazy man.) Like most people, I couldn’t help but be happy for Chuck now that his mother was in the picture. He was happy, smiling, and having a lot of really adorable make out scenes with Blair. What can I say? I like seeing the bad boy go soft (especially a bad boy that looks like Chuck Bass). And then Jack Bass comes in and ruins it all: his business, his image, his relationship with this woman who we all thought was his mom but is really working with McBeard to ruin the Bass empire….

What….an a-hole.

I’m worried about Chuck. Even more, I’m worried what’s going to happen to him and Blair once they both realize what’s happened and that it’s her fault for pushing him into this blind relationship with his “mother.” Is he going to be homeless, living on the street, selling off all his ties and pinky rings for a bottle of whiskey? Is Blair going to have to move back into the NYU dorms and spend her nights sexiled while Dan and V get. it. on? Or will Chuck move back in to casa de Lily and finally figure out why she’s whoring herself out to her ex husband for her mother’s medical treatments while Jenny pouts in her room and acts all tough and cool?

Maybe he could have Eric’s room? Lord knows we haven’t seen that kid in awhile…

Let me say this: I continue to have a bitter distaste for Dan, and Chuck remains (by far) my total fave. AND Lily gained some cool points tonight too. If you missed it, stop reading now, turn on your DVR, and watch. And if you watched, feel free to comment on your favorite part of last night’s stellar ep.

The show started with the usual Yale bullsh*t. Blah blah blah, aren’t they in yet, already? No, they aren’t. And there’s a certain new, young, hot teacher who is going to rock everyone’s world. Anybody else think it’s weird that Serena instantly becomes her new Shakespeare teacher’s bff? I mean, I had teachers I was tight with, but not to this degree. And, a note to Ms. Carr, never tell your students it’s your first salaried gig. That’s just asking for it.

As the Yale-shizz unravels, Serena laments to Dan that she is afraid that she’ll get into Yale, and Blair won’t. Presumptuous? Or foreshadowing?

This week’s weekly party is the opera gala. Seriously? That’s not nearly as exciting as the white party. But I suppose it’ll do, since Jack has already thrown Chuck’s dead father into the mix. We all know that Chuck was had by Jack last week, but is he going to take that? Hell. No.  And you gotta love Lily in this ep for making it happen.

So, on the Yale train, Dan gets in, Serena gets in, Blair gets waitlisted, and Ms. Carr threatens to destroy B’s GPA by not inflating grades.  Which obviously infuriates Blair.  And because S. apparently has a girl-crush on “Rachel,” (who calls high school teachers by their first names?), she declines Yale so B. can take her spot.

Of course, Blair can’t let it rest, so she instigates a plan to hurt Rachel’s feelings, only to find out that Rachel put in a good word for her at school.  Though she does try to fix it, Rachel’s pissed, and calls the headmistress to report Blair, putting the Queen Bee in detention.  For real. This can’t be good.

And then we get to the yelling-at-the-tv-thing.  Lily and Bart were planning on adopting each others’ kids to be a “real family.” And Bart signed the papers before he died.  So, Lily’s signature will make her Chuck’s guardian and thwart Jack’s douchey plans.  SERIOUSLY. AWESOME. When that happened, I looked at the clock: 8:45.  And I knew there was still 15 minutes of major dramz to come.

Obviously pissed off, the crazy Jack tries to rape Lily in the bathroom of the opera.  That’s a Lifetime Original Movie all in itself.   Chuck interrupts, punches Jack in the face, and tells Lily, “This doesn’t mean we’re family.  Just even.” GOD I love you, CB.

At the close of the episode, Ms. Carr runs into Dan in Brooklyn for a cappucino.  The fact that she was in Teach for America, and hot, and obviously written into the GG script to create tension makes me bet on a tumultuous Pacey-Witter-inspired affair bewteen Ms. Carr and Dan.  Can’t wait for that.  But be careful, Rachel, because Blair has officially waged war on you.  And a slip up such as Dan Humphrey could make it oh-so-easy.

The mysterious half-brother brought the cast on quite the roller-coaster this week, and it seems that Gossip Girl has achieved Mafia status, as she has the power to order a “hit” on Dan Humphrey. Instead of sleeping with the fishes, however, Dan merely has to deal with the humiliation of the entire school learning about his hankering for tuna. Meh.

As usual, the Bass family stole the show tonight, and Uncle Jack is truly an evil, despicable human being. Since Blair’s had a change of heart, what with coddling the grieving Chuckster and all, we need a new villain that we absolutely love to hate, and Jack sure makes a splash after, what? Two episodes?

Not only does Old Man River have a giant boner for the totally illegal Blair (everyone who commented on the ‘New Years’ references last week wins ten points), but he’s also lusting for a stake in Bass Enterprises, which, much to everyone’s surprise, has just been left to Chuck Bass. What? These minors can drink their faces off, ride around in limos, globetrot for the weekend, but they can’t run billion-dollar companies?

While Gossip Girl and the Queen Bee Wannabes search for Dan’s secret and Lily and Rufus search for their long lost son, Jack sets out to ruin his nephew’s life. And you thought your family reunions were torture. Chuck blows off Blair in favor of a gaggle of hoes and an eight ball of coke, and boy did he make the wrong decision. I’m not talking about being caught out by members of the Board, either. Leighton Meester looked PHENOM in the dress she was wearing when she got the “I’m working late” text from Chuck. Day-am.

The surprise congratulatory brunch for Chuck was this week’s host for the usual drama, with Chuck snapping at Blair and GG sending out a blast outing Dan and Serena’s shared half-brother. And surprise, Chuck! Jack didn’t mention that the board had the ability to replace you for poor behavior, did he? Poor Chuck is out of a hot mama, a huge corporation, a family… and he’ll never have the opportunity to live up to his father’s posthumous expectations. If you need a new shoulder to cry on, you can have mine.

Back to the rollercoaster that is Lily and Rufus’ search for their illegitimate son. First, the lawyers can’t find him. Then maybe they can. Then the new parents don’t want to talk. Then the father will. Then he drops a major bomb: their son died last year. I thought this was just an easy write-off on behalf of the GG writers, to bury (no pun intended) a fairly fallible subplot. But wait- just when you thought you could predict it all, wha-bam! The adoptive parents pull a Jack Bass, lying their way to completely alienate Andrew’s birth parents. This is certainly going to come back to haunt our favorite Upper East Siders in the future.

At the close of the episode, Serena and Dan decide they can work through their “hillbilly”-esque dilemma, Lily and Rufus seem quite cozy themselves, Blair finally washes her hands clean of Chuck, and Vanessa and Nate are celebrating their anniversary. Has it seriously been that long?

Well, fellow GG fanatics, I cannot wait for the supposedly-dead Andrew to shake things up, or for Chuck to wage war on the evil Uncle Jack. Too bad he ruined things with Blair, or he could totally set a pedophile trap for his pervy uncle and take back his company. But hey, anything’s possible in Gossip Girl world.