I learned more my first week at college than I did in my entire life. And I don’t mean academically. I mean socially, financially, emotionally and drunk-ly. Some things took longer to figure out than others (that I should visit the ATM before I get to the bar, to avoid extra fees and my tendency to tipsily make it rain) and other things took mere minutes (don’t eat dining hall hot dogs).

But there are 5 things that every freshman should figure out their very first week on campus. Consider this College Life 101: Intro To The Best 4 Years of Your Life.

The go-to hangover breakfast spot: For those mornings when a Gatorade and toast just won’t do the trick, you need to find the most happening breakfast place near campus. This is not only important for the mornings when you need to take things to-go (back to your bed where you can lie in the dark while watching Daisy of Love marathons), but also for the social aspect of morning-after breakfast. Because everyone knows, after the party it’s the after party…and after that and the hotel lobby… it’s IHOP.

So, on those mornings when your inner monologue sounds like “Hahalalala definitely still drunk and my hair and makeup still look great!” you’ll know where you and your girls can go to re-cap last night’s madness while chowing on carby goodness and watching people walk in wearing their clothes from the night before. Read More »

There are two types of drinkers. The kind that can handle their liquor, and the kind that can’t. The kind of drunk who is the life of the party, and the kind the party wants to punch in the face. What kind of person are you? Ask yourself which of the following qualities apply to you:

Annoying drunk people…

1. Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

2. Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” and then reach for a bottle of Bud Lite, Jager, Windex, anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of inxotication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

3. Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

4. Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night. Read More »

Who you gonna call?

Harvard grad proves grade inflation really does exist

Can’t…stop…watching

Finally, the rest of the world realizes America’s Next Top Model is boring

To sleep or to lift, that is the question

Maybe Liz Lemon will finally get some designer duds now!

Take that, obnoxious Mac Guy

What doesn’t kill me…might just ruin me

50 Sexiest Music Videos of ALL TIME, people!

Amy Winehouse loves her Jack Daniels…48 times over

Some girls lose their virginities to their first loves: some taller, older, handsome man (er, boy) who says I love you and kisses her neck and asks, “Baby, does this hurt?”

Other girls get drunk in basements off Jack Daniels when they’re 14, take off their shirts and find themselves straddling some younger boy on a bed in the corner of some dirty room, only to discover they are being watched by several on-lookers when they receive a swift slap on the ass.

…Or something to that effect.

Perhaps my first sexual experience has tainted my view of sexuality. I mean, how could it not? I guess some girls really do get the whole rose-petals-on-the-bed thing, but not every girl, and I’m here to tell the story of the ones who don’t. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 167

Mood: frozen

“Grace, you’re soaked” Rebecca tugged on my shirt and spoke into my ear, keeping her eyes on Justin and Sasha. The tension between them was palpable; I knew she could feel it too. “Why don’t you at least change your shirt? You can wear one of mine.”

I didn’t want to leave the living room. I didn’t want to leave Justin alone with Sasha. But Rebecca was right. I was practically dripping alcohol. Like I had just jumped into a pool full of Jack Daniels.

“Let’s just run into a room. I’ll wear my long sleeve and you can wear the camisole I have under it. It’s fine.” Rebecca kept pulling on my arm, her jitters obvious in the repetition of her actions. Even tipsy, Rebecca couldn’t let her guard down. She knew something was off. She knew something was crackling in the air, and she wanted to leave before the match was lit.

“I have to…” I looked up at Justin. “I have go change.”

“What?” Justin blinked. He looked at me as though it surprised him I was still standing there.

“I have to go change. Everyone spilled stuff on me.” Read More »

There’s a phenomenon that’s been haunting the Internet for some time now, and I think I’ve had just about enough of it. It’s not celebrity sex-tapes, it’s not porn, and it’s not even the recent influx of spam I’ve been getting on my Gmail account about winning the international lottery(!).

No, friends, what I’m talking about is the epidemic known as Girls Posting Slutty / Drunk Pictures of Themselves on Facebook.

Obviously, this isn’t a new trend, but as I enter the age of (supposed) maturity, I can’t help but feel frustrated at the onslaught of obviously wasted half-naked girls clogging the photo albums of kids I used to baby-sit in high school.

I admit, I used to have a fair share of “I’m so DRUNK” pictures on my Facebook account, but as soon as I started to assert myself as an adult, I went and erased every single picture that made me seem…less than smart. I’m of age, I’m allowed to have fun, but how mature can I really make myself out to be if there are pictures floating around somewhere that show me hanging upside down off someone’s couch or double fisting two shots of Jack? Read More »