There are two types of drinkers: The kind that can handle their liquor, and the kind that can’t. The kind of drunk who is the life of the party, and the kind the party wants to punch in the face.

What kind of person are you?

Annoying drunk people…

Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” before they reach for a bottle of Bud Lite/Jager/Windex/anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of intoxication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by checking your emotional baggage at the door and not using alcohol to combat your life’s problems. Also, don’t use booze as an excuse to prove how wild and uninhibited you are. If you are headed down the attention-whore road, try parking yourself on one bar stool for a night instead of wiping your drunken tears on my new cami and seeing how many people gravitate towards you.

Annoying drunk people…

Need to get laid. No matter what. They think they’re sexy when they whisper sweet nothings into a hottie’s ear, when in reality they are slobbering all over a stranger’s face. Gross. Once rejected, they will probably stumble around the party, trying again. And again. And again.

Will get laid. By anyone. And sometimes everyone. Annoying drunk sex-maniacs will leave their friends behind to go home with a stranger, or swap saliva and other bodily fluids with many people – sometimes even multiple partners in one night. This isn’t classy, or particularly safe.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by putting your friends first, and choosing your partners wisely. There’s nothing wrong with an alcohol-induced makeout sesh once in a while, but you deserve the best, and you should hold out for top shelf lovers instead of going home with the Milwaukee’s Best party guests!

Annoying drunk people…

Leave their morals in the bottom of a shot glass. They steal, vandalize, and start fights. You don’t want to be the person that isn’t invited to the party because your friends think you’re a klepto, and you don’t want to be banned from the bar for cracking pool sticks over your head, or bitch-slapping your peers.

Puke. They will puke on the floor of the bar, in cars, in their beds, their roommates’ beds, and all over themselves. We all have bad nights, drink one too many, and get the spins, but if your friends feel like an invitation to accompany you to a party means signing up to be a hair-holder, your company is going to get old quick.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by knowing your limits, at least to some extent.

If more than one of these annoying drunken traits apply to you, you might want to rethink the boozing. It’s great to unwind and have a good time, but if Jack Daniels transforms you from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, you’re going to alienate your circle of drinking buddies and become the person that the rest of us are pointing and laughing not with, but AT.

Get it? Got it? Good. Want some more? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

This Sunday, January 31st, the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards will air on CBS. And you must know what we’re thinking: it’s the perfect excuse to drink on a Sunday! (Until the Super Bowl, that is.)

Nothing goes better with good music than an ice cold beer (or 12), so we at CollegeCandy have come up with the perfect drinking game to accompany the big night. So go brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack, put on your Poker Face and see who takes home the big awards… and which of your friends will make it to the end of the show.

I gotta feeling…that Sunday night’s gonna be a good (good) night…

Take a shot:

(Of Hennessy) every time someone makes a Kanye West joke.

Each time of Lady Gaga changes her wardrobe. Take a double if it involves a mask, a cone, or fake blood.

(Of Jack Daniel’s) and some Oxycontin (just kidding) if Britney wins for Womanizer.  Then go shave your head and make a Starbucks run.

Every time a performer does something sexually inappropriate. Make it a double if it involves a head in a crotch. Triple if it’s guy on guy.

Take a sip:

Every time Gaga dedicates an award to the gays or her “little monsters.”

Every time the camera flashes to Jay-Z and Beyonce (inevitably seated in the front row).

Every time Taylor Swift wins an award (might wanna keep a barf bag nearby…)

(Out of a chalice) for every person wearing sunglasses inside.

(Of wine) every time someone thanks Jesus.

Drink It Up:

Drink “plenty of beer” when Ke$ha goes on stage to present.

Drink (big) whiskey each time you swoon over Dave Matthews. (What? Just me?)

Drink double every time you see Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers or Justin Beiber (since they can’t do it themselves).

Chug:

(A glass of milk) if Mariah’s boobs are hanging out.

(A beer/whiskey/anything, really) every time she opens her mouth and slurs her words.

If Snooki shows up. Chug another if she’s rockin’ the pouf.

If your vote (on CBS.com) for Bon Jovi’s performance wins.

If your favorite for Record of the Year (Beyonce – Halo, Lady Gaga – Poker Face, Kings of Leon – Use Somebody, Black Eyed Peas – I Gotta Feeling, Taylor Swift – You Belong With Me) takes home the award.

And, of course, bong a beer if Kanye West comes on stage and steals a microphone.

Who the F is Ke$ha??

The girl wears glitter. A lot of it.
She totally ripped off my girl Uffie.
She has a dollar sign IN HER NAME.
She has one song out…and it’s about getting wasted.

But girlfriend is everywhere. She’s all over the internet, the radio plays her song religiously and she’s even found a spot on my workout playlist. And my getting ready to go out playlist. And my walk to class playlist…

Now, I know the stars of pop music have been a little ridiculous lately (Exhibit A), but this new-found obsession with Ke$ha has me a little worried; bad romance outfits are one thing, but brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack? Come on now, girl.

I mean – really, Kesha? – you “wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy”? What does it feel like to be an angry, controlling, egotistical rap mogul with a Twitter obsession?

And really, it’s great that you have set such lofty goals for yourself (“Tonight, I’ma fight until we see the sunlight”), but shouldn’t you be thinking about a few more serious things like, I don’t know… getting a job? Or giving back to the poor? Or getting proper dental care? I know that you  “Aint got a care in the world, but [you] got plenty of beer,” and that’s great; we all need a night off to just let loose. I feel ya, sister. But I really worry about the mental health of anyone who wants a dude that “look[s] like Mick Jagger.”

Is this the kind of person we want millions of little girls to look up to?

And why you gotta make your song so catchy, Ke$ha? Do you know how much I hate myself when I’m jumping around the bar and know every single (terrible) verse? I want to hate you – I really, really do – but hard as I try, I just can’t get enough. And that might be the worst thing of all.

Damn you, Ke$ha. Damn you.

I learned more my first week at college than I did in my entire life. And I don’t mean academically. I mean socially, financially, emotionally and drunk-ly. Some things took longer to figure out than others (that I should visit the ATM before I get to the bar, to avoid extra fees and my tendency to tipsily make it rain) and other things took mere minutes (don’t eat dining hall hot dogs).

But there are 5 things that every freshman should figure out their very first week on campus. Consider this College Life 101: Intro To The Best 4 Years of Your Life.

The go-to hangover breakfast spot: For those mornings when a Gatorade and toast just won’t do the trick, you need to find the most happening breakfast place near campus. This is not only important for the mornings when you need to take things to-go (back to your bed where you can lie in the dark while watching Daisy of Love marathons), but also for the social aspect of morning-after breakfast. Because everyone knows, after the party it’s the after party…and after that and the hotel lobby… it’s IHOP.

So, on those mornings when your inner monologue sounds like “Hahalalala definitely still drunk and my hair and makeup still look great!” you’ll know where you and your girls can go to re-cap last night’s madness while chowing on carby goodness and watching people walk in wearing their clothes from the night before.

Where you can and can’t use your fake i.d. : I remember when I got my first fake i.d. (the same one I still have, actually, even though it expired in 2007 and I’ll be retiring it in a month). I was so excited to use it anywhere and everywhere (even when I wasn’t drinking). But that kind of enthusiasm definitely could have gotten me in big trouble if I hadn’t discovered very quickly where I could and couldn’t use it.

Ask any older friends or siblings you know who went to your school, hell ask friendly strangers! Just ask someone where your fake i.d. will get you in and where that puppy will taken.  The easiest way to figure out where to use your fake is to go out as much as possible, to as many bars as possible (which you’ll be doing anyways) and make a bartender/bouncer/shotgirl friend who can give you a heads up if the boss plans on, you know, enforcing the legal drinking age.

Your new address, where the post office is,  and protocol for paper mail and packages. Grandma needs somewhere to send those care packages! And you sure as hell can’t tell her where to send delicious cookies or money “for an ice cream sundae” if you don’t have your new dorm address memorized. Or written down. Anywhere. Also, figure out if packages should be sent to your campus p.o. box or the front desk of your dorm. Unfortunately the Fed-Ex guy won’t deliver that hot new mini dress straight to your dorm room.

The best campus hangouts: For those rare occasions you want to enjoy the company of your new friends sans Johnny, Jack and Jose…or even, you know, study, you need a place to go other than your oh-so-spacious dorm room. Read your campus newspaper, look at fliers around your dining hall or just listen to word-of-mouth. Your campus might have a famous burger joint where everyone chills, a live music hookah bar, a local coffee shop. Even if the campus hot spot is a library, it’ll be nice to hang out somewhere where you’re bound to know someone even if Starbucks starts charging for Wi-Fi (personal true story) and it gets too cold to lounge on the quad.

Fashion protocol: Even now that you’ve finally arrived on campus, it’s time to start dressing like you belong there (which, of course, you already do if admissions had anything to say about it). Take a look around to gather the general fashion climate of your school. Do you see a lot of girls wear their gym clothes to class or do they usually get more dressed up? Are PJ’s a do or don’t in the dining hall? If you needed to wear heels for an interview or event before/after class, should you bring a change of shoes?

I’m not saying you should get decked out to go to class or that you should go out and buy an entirely new wardrobe (although if you can swing it, by all means get your shop on), but you don’t want to stick out like a weird freshman sore thumb. The best way to figure out a way to college-ify your look is to check out older girls whose fashion sense you admire, or whose is similar to yours, and put your own spin on it. Then you’ll be “that girl who always dresses so cute” and not “that freshman who wears Crocs.”

What do you guys think is the most crucial stuff to learn your first week (besides all the important/boring stuff they go over at orientation)? What do you wish you’d learned right off the bat?

Annoying drunk people…

1. Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

2. Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” and then reach for a bottle of Bud Lite, Jager, Windex, anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of inxotication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

3. Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

4. Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by checking your emotional baggage at the door and not using alcohol to combat your life’s problems. Also, don’t use booze as an excuse to prove how wild and uninhibited you are. If you are headed down the attention-whore road, try parking yourself on one bar stool for a night and seeing how many people gravitate towards you.

Annoying drunk people…

5. Need to get laid. No matter what. They think they’re sexy when they whisper sweet nothings into a hottie’s ear, when in reality they are slobbering all over a stranger’s face. Gross. Once rejected, they will probably stumble around the party, trying again. And again. And again.

6. Will get laid. By anyone. And sometimes everyone. Annoying drunk sex-maniacs will leave their friends behind to go home with a stranger, or swap saliva and other bodily fluids with many people – sometimes even multiple partners in one night. This isn’t classy, or particularly safe.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by putting your friends first, and choosing your partners wisely. There’s nothing wrong with an alcohol-induced makeout sesh once in a while, but you deserve the best, and you should hold out for top shelf lovers!

Annoying drunk people…

7. Leave their morals in the bottom of a shot glass. They steal, vandalize, and start fights. You don’t want to be the person that isn’t invited to the party because your friends think you are a klepto, and you don’t want to be banned from the bar for cracking pool sticks over your head, or bitch-slapping your peers.

8. Puke. They will puke on the floor of the bar, in cars, in their beds, their roommates beds, and all over themselves. We all have bad nights, drink one too many, and get the spins, but if your friends feel like an invitation to accompany you to a party means signing up to be a hair-holder, your company is going to get old quick.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by knowing your limits, at least to some extent.

If more than one of these annoying drunken traits apply to you, you might want to rethink the boozing. It’s great to unwind and have a good time, but if Jack Daniels turns transforms you from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, you’re going to alienate your circle of drinking buddies. And you could be the person that the rest of us are pointing and laughing not with, but AT.

Harvard grad proves grade inflation really does exist

Can’t…stop…watching

Finally, the rest of the world realizes America’s Next Top Model is boring

To sleep or to lift, that is the question

Maybe Liz Lemon will finally get some designer duds now!

Take that, obnoxious Mac Guy

What doesn’t kill me…might just ruin me

50 Sexiest Music Videos of ALL TIME, people!

Amy Winehouse loves her Jack Daniels…48 times over

Some girls lose their virginities to their first loves: some taller, older, handsome man (er, boy) who says I love you and kisses her neck and asks, “Baby, does this hurt?”

Other girls get drunk in basements off Jack Daniels when they’re 14, take off their shirts and find themselves straddling some younger boy on a bed in the corner of some dirty room, only to discover they are being watched by several on-lookers when they receive a swift slap on the ass.

…Or something to that effect.

Perhaps my first sexual experience has tainted my view of sexuality. I mean, how could it not? I guess some girls really do get the whole rose-petals-on-the-bed thing, but not every girl, and I’m here to tell the story of the ones who don’t.

As I’ve gotten older, I have started to respect my body a lot more than I did when I was younger. I think that the younger you are when you start having sex – the crazier, sluttier and down right dirtier things you do. If you start having sex later, you actually understand it – and your body’s responses to it – and everything makes a lot more sense.

In high school, sex was sex. I did it to say that I did, not because I particularly enjoyed it or even wanted it. This never really got me anywhere, except stuck in the sheets with senior boys who only wanted me naked, and didn’t really give a sh*t about anything that came out of my somewhat bitchy, bratty 16-year-old mouth.

Now, however, my views have slightly changed. My basic ideas about sex are as follows:

1. Monogamy is not natural. And kinda boring. I was in a relationship for 5 years, so I know how it is to be with only one person. It was amazing to be with someone I loved, but my thoughts (and his, I’m sure) about having sex with other people didn’t magically disappear when we were together. Of course, I was able to suppress my urges to ravage everyone from my math teacher to his best friend, but it didn’t make me want it from those guys any less. I think it’s human nature to desire more than one “mate”, if we’re getting scientific here. If monogamy is not your thing, then it’s not. You just have to find someone who makes you kinda forget those other people exist (love will do that to ya).

2. You love who you love. Male or female. Let’s just say that I think it’s perfectly normal to be attracted to members of the same sex. I don’t think that sexuality is as easy as “straight” or “gay”. I think that you can fall in love with – and be sexually attracted to – pretty much anyone. Love is such a subjective thing and I feel that it’s different for everybody. It can’t be defined by which body part someone hides in their panties and/or boxer briefs.

3. Love and sex can co-exist, but they don’t have to. A girl I really don’t like once said, “I’d rather have good sex than good love at this point in my life.” As much as I dislike her, this was the only semi-intelligent thing I ever heard her say. I understand that completely – sometimes, sex is what you want. Sometimes, love is what you want. Sometimes – if you’re lucky – you get them both. But most of the time, you’re lacking in one area or the other and left to use your Rabbit while you stay at home on cold, lonely Friday nights.

And sometimes you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum – lying next to a boy you love who just can’t seem to please you the way your Rabbit can. Such is life. So if what you want and need right now is sex, I don’t think you should be made ashamed to go after it. And if you’re feelin’ a relationship or don’t want to hook up with randoms? Then you shouldn’t feel ashamed to be “that girl”, either. My ex-boyfriend probably had a large influence on my thinking this way – as he thinks it’s completely okay to engage in sexual acts with multiple partners without feeling a damn thing for any of them – but what can I say? He kinda makes sense.

4. There will probably always be a double standard. I would love to deem myself a feminist, but then I’d feel like a horrible one for saying this: I just don’t think the double standard about sexuality will ever go away. Unless the stereotypes about women go away – like that they’re supposed to be beautiful, innocent, sexy and virginal all at the same time – I don’t think that the idea that men having lots of random sex = awesome and girls having lots of sex = slutty, will ever truly go away. I’ve even called girls “sluts” for doing stuff like participating in obscene public displays of affection in corners at parties and/or sleeping with a guy they just met. I guess that I do think that girls can control their urges and that guys should be the only ones out gallivanting – at least when it comes to girls other than myself, of course. And that’s probably how every other girl thinks, too.

5. Our culture is so over-sexed that it has kinda lost its meaning. I think that once upon a time, I would have never written a story like this. I wouldn’t have been able to. Sex was taboo – it was hush-hush and it was definitely not something you would discuss openly in a public forum like this. Although I think it’s interesting and exciting – it also goes to show that our society doesn’t place as much value on sex (or anything related to relationships, love, hell…even marriage!), or take it as seriously as in the past. I would love to say that I think one day chivalry and the whole “courting process” will come back – but I can’t promise that.

So basically, after re-reading this, I guess I’m a little conflicted about sex in this day and age, which I’m sure many of you are, too. We’re living in a time where sex is on the fore-front and it seems that everybody is having it and having it often – and then talking about it (or releasing videos of it!). Sex is natural: it’s beautiful and confusing and full of complication.

So, as much as I’d die for some kind of (what did I call it?) oh yeah…rose-petals-on-the-bed sorta thing, I’m not going to count on it. At least not for awhile (you know, until the guys around me are more worried about their stock portfolios than their stock of pornography, but such is life).

I’m sure there a lot of people out there who will disagree (perhaps strongly) with everything I wrote.

But this is me. And this is life.

No, friends, what I’m talking about is the epidemic known as Girls Posting Slutty / Drunk Pictures of Themselves on Facebook.

Obviously, this isn’t a new trend, but as I enter the age of (supposed) maturity, I can’t help but feel frustrated at the onslaught of obviously wasted half-naked girls clogging the photo albums of kids I used to baby-sit in high school.

I admit, I used to have a fair share of “I’m so DRUNK” pictures on my Facebook account, but as soon as I started to assert myself as an adult, I went and erased every single picture that made me seem…less than smart. I’m of age, I’m allowed to have fun, but how mature can I really make myself out to be if there are pictures floating around somewhere that show me hanging upside down off someone’s couch or double fisting two shots of Jack?

We all know it’s not just our friends who can see those wild and crazy pictures of us, and the more exposure Facebook gets, the more I wonder why so many girls are going out of their way to make themselves look cheap and easy to the entire internet community.

What do these girls think these photos will do? Get them dates? Get them exposure? Get them fans? Based on my knowledge of the human race, I’d say the only thing one can expect from slutty, sexy pictures are a bunch of guys simultaneously getting of on and making fun of whoever’s the subject.

Obviously, dudes post drunk pictures of themselves online too, but as Britney and Paris prove, nothing draws a crowd like slutty (or slutty seeming) girl—and nothing makes that crowd lose respect of the photographed faster than getting exactly what they asked for.

How interesting or challenging can a girl really be if she treats herself like an object?

Keeping those drunk antics from the public eye isn’t always about morality or being a prude, sometimes its just common sense. Post a few pictures of you making out with other girls, lifting up your shirt, or posing provocatively, and people are going to expect that from you all the time.

Go out, have fun, but think twice about making yourself into a lush purely for the benefit of others. Once the damage is done, it’s real hard to undo it…especially on the internet.

Just ask Miss New Jersey.