Some used-to-be Hollywood publicist is playing havoc with my mind.

First, he infiltrates my deepest fears by claiming Jake Gyllenhaal is gay, then he goes on to say the love of my life is expecting a baby with his boyfriend in a month!

Apparently, Jakey has been dating the same guy for years (although no one’s clear on who the mystery boyfriend is) and is preparing to come out “some time by the end of next month” so he can celebrate his new bundle of joy with a clear conscience. Read More »

Breaking up sucks, so you might as well get a good story out of it. None of this civil shit — I want tears in the eyes, blood on the walls, buttons off the shirts.

Unfortunately, most of my breakups have been rather tame. I keep my grudges to myself. Depending on the magnitude of the schism, I cope by going the patented Jennifer Aniston route (yoga, weed, Smart Water) or taking a ride on the pie highway to drown my sorrows. Either way, slander and slaughter are kept to a minimum; the only victim is me.

So, I don’t really understand crazy, dramatic breakups, but that doesn’t mean I can’t revel in them (read: laugh at) when they happen, especially in Brad-and-Jen Land. There are the sad ones, like Reese and Ryan and Jake and Kirsten which leave you a little deflated but ultimately make you feel better about yourself — because if they can’t make it work, who can? Read More »

I love Almond Joys. They’re basically my favorite candy bar. Coconut, almonds (for protein!), and chocolate, there’s no better combination in this world.

(Unless it’s Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Gosling and chocolate)

One of the best bartenders I know gave me this recipe, and I’ve tried it a few times myself. It’s definitely sweet, not something to get wasted on, but just perfect for those Saturday night BBQ’s or the beginning of a girl’s night out.

Almond Joy Shot

• 3 oz. Malibu Rum

• 1.5 oz. Amaretto

• 1 oz. Chocolate Liqueur

• 1 oz. Baileys Irish Cream

• Chocolate Syrup

• Whipped Cream

Add the Malibu, Chocolate Liqueur, Amaretto, and Baileys to a shaker with ice. Shake about 6 times (try not to over-mix, the individual flavors will get muddled), and then pour into shot glasses. Drizzle a little whipped cream and chocolate syrup on top and you’re good to go!

…And always remember to drink responsibly. Cute bartenders never go for the drunk girls.

Hot, single men in Hollywood — I just can’t seem to get enough. Lucky for me, another list of sexy single celebs has surfaced. Last week it was AOLMusic preaching to the choir (come on, we already KNOW which musicians are sexy and available); this week it’s People magazine ranking the “Single & Sizzling Men of ’07.” And the #1 guy is a real shocker (sarcasm) — Matthew McConaughey (sadly, I heard that he’s gay,but that’s a whole other issue).

[album=16]

Which Sexy Single is the best catch?

He must have heard about me being a playwright, and in a sweetly desperate attempt to get to know me, decided to give theater a try.

That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway.

People.com reports that my boyfriend, aka Jake Gyllenhaal, is considering a fall run on Broadway in a new play entitled Farragut North. The political drama would center on an “idealistic communications director” working for the campaign of a political candidate supposedly based of 2004 Presidential nominee Howard Dean.

(Who, for the record, I never stopped liking. Even after he went Incredible Hulk at that rally.)

Gyllenhaal hasn’t committed to the play just yet, but you can guess that as soon as he does, I will A) let you know and B) buy a front row ticket for as long as that show runs*.

(*as soon as I win the lottery)

It saddens me when college boys let a nasty beer gut take over. Sure, they may pride themselves in their headftiness because it shows what badass drinkers they are. But seriously guys, I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole (well, with a few drinks in me that may not be true). What happened to wanting to maintain a six pack? I’m talking a real one involving crunches, not natty light.

Fortunately, us ladies will always have our celeb eye candy. However, we can only lust, not touch. Here are my top 10 hotties with the best abs. Uhh, I love you Ryan Reynolds.

[album=4]Who do you think is the Abs-olute Hottest?

The alarm screams at 7:54 AM, tearing me out of dream in which I was awkwardly going back to my high school prom.

I am already not a fan of this day.

I do my best to get up and into the shower without falling asleep and slamming my head against the tile wall. Running downstairs, gulping a few spoonfuls of cereal and grabbing my keys, I

make it out the door just in time.

The rain and 45 degree day seem fitting. As does the asshole who cuts in front of me and then stops short to stare at a dead squirrel in the middle of the road. I’ve forgotten how much I hate driving. Going back to New York will be a blessing in one big, public transportation way.

Snagging a gynecologist appointment at home was a stroke of luck, but as I pull into the familiar parking lot, I can’t help but feel the pre-visit jitters. It’s not that I’m afraid of those stirrups and cold metal speculums, I’m just not happy to see them. Ever. Read More »

“Jesyan”

“Jesake”

“DiGaal”

No, I haven’t fallen asleep on my keyboard. I’m just seeing what the Celebrity Couple Name Maker does with my name and the names of my two boyfriends, Jakey Gyllenhaal and Ryan Gosling.

Although not very creative, this little internet time-killer can help take your mind off those final papers and that weird guy who SOMEHOW got your number and keeps calling every four hours. Read More »

“So like, you work how many hours?”

“About forty. But I get paid overtime.”

“Really? Do they do time and a half? Or do they just work it into your salary?”

I mean, that’s the most boring conversation you’ve ever read, right? I actually almost fell into a coma writing it. But yet, I heard it this afternoon as I was walking in the freezing (what the HELL, right?!) weather to my luscious hair appointment. It wasn’t the horrid content that made my ears perk, but the way it was being said and who was saying it.

Knowing the bumpy, hesitant, enthused speech pattern of a first date all too well, it seemed quite certain that the speakers had just met each other for the first time. Ever. In their lives.

It’s funny. The way we talk with new people we’re trying to impress. The questions we ask. We want to seem so interested, so cool, so inquisitive, we’ll ask anything. We’ll delve into someone’s work schedule with a fiery fervor, pretend we know all of the 784 bands they list as their favorite, and stare into their eyes happily as they detail what exactly they’re studying or what exactly they do for a job. Once I listened to a cute boy explain his financial occupation for twenty minutes without comprehending a single word. Read More »