Upon arriving, you say your hellos and shove your way through the crowd to the keg parked in the backyard. You fill your blue Solo cup (“What? They make these things in blue!?”) then meet back up with your friends. You sip, you chat, then you wave your hand violently in the air when the party host asks who’s up for a game of flip cup.

You take your spot at the table, strategically placing yourself next to the very cute boy who lives there. You do a few practice flips, wet the table in front of you a bit for more cup traction and get ready for the game to start.

Seven rounds later, your team is victorious, you and your boy-toy are hugging it out and you’re feeling less than steady. Ok, so you’re drunk, but it’s good drunk. Perfect drunk. The kind that will easily take you through the rest of the night but still leave you feeling a-OK in the morning.

As you begin to walk away from the table to find your friends, the cute boy grabs you.

“Wanna take a shot?” He asks.

“Obvi,” you answer, smitten.

You follow him up to his room where he’s got a bottle of Jameson sitting on top of his mini fridge. As you stand there swaying in your stilettos, your stomach starts churning. You know good and well that you don’t need another shot – especially when it’s brown poison – but you can’t back out now. You don’t want to look like some baby who can’t handle a stupid shot. And you want to make out with him.

The boy grabs two shot glasses from his desk (that undoubtedly haven’t been cleaned since the last time he used them) and starts pouring.

This is a bad idea.
A terrible idea.
This is gonna be ugly.
This night will not end well.

He turns to you. You smile nervously as he hands you your Senor Frogs shot glass.

“Cheers,” he says, raising his Spring Break 2008 double shot glass in the air.

“Cheers,” you reply, silently praying to God that you don’t puke on his carpet.

You throw it back quickly and instantly begin an internal battle with your gag reflex. “Stay down, stay down, stay down….” you tell yourself as you wipe the spillage off your chin. Your throat is burning and your stomach is not happy. But you don’t show it. You smile and joke around with the boy, all the time hoping and praying that Mr. Jameson doesn’t send you over the edge.

You’re doing fine, spitting some serious game, when the shot finally hits you. Suddenly, you’re seeing double and the room is spinning. You have no idea what the boy is saying. You can’t stand up.

“Oh God,” you think to yourself. “This isn’t good. Need water. Need air. I’m gonna be sick. Why did I take that shot? Please God, let me just get through this and I promise I’ll be better next time. Please.”

You excuse yourself to go find your friends, walking into the door on your way out. You grasp the wall on your way down the stairs. “This is bad, this is bad, this is bad,” you tell yourself. When you reach the bottom (safely, thank God), you attempt to find your friends, but it’s nearly impossible to stand let alone navigate through a room of sweaty people grinding. Instead, you take off your shoes, head out of the house and stumble home.

Yeah, we’ve all been there. Over the edge. No turning back. But who’s gonna turn down a free shot?
Not this guy.

Last weekend the biggest man whore on campus asked me to go home with him. My first reaction was, “Hell yeah! HE KNOWS WHO I AM…and he wants to do me!!!” Which was immediately followed by, “Ew, do I have to get tested for STDs cuz he just talked to me!?”

I said no that night (and by “said no” I mean “spent the rest of the night on the bathroom floor vomiting up Jimmy Johns and Jameson”), but I have been thinking about it ever since. I mean, we are Facebook friends now, so the opportunity is obvi still there.

I have always been a big fan of pro/con lists, so I am going to make one here. So, here it is: The Pros and Cons of Hooking Up With a Major Man Whore. I hope this helps if you are ever presented with such a conundrum.

Pro: He is obviously totally wanted by every girl ever

Con: He has put his penis into a whole lot of ladies

Pro: He, in theory, knows what he’s doing – he’s gotten enough practice

Con: He’s never really had a consistent partner so he may be repeating his mistakes over and over and over again.

Pro: He finds me sexy

Con: He has found 98% of the campus sexy at one point

Pro: Potentially awesome sex

Con: Potentially itchy rash… down there

Pro: If he’s bad, I can be the one to tell the world

Con: If I’m bad, he’s totally gonna have a billion people to compare it to…and tell

Pro: I can tell everyone that I conquered Mount Man Whore.

Con: After I tell everyone, they will judge me for being yet another notch on his tattered belt.

It looks like the cons far outweigh the pros. But maybe I missed something? Like the fact that I’ve been experiencing at 3 month dry spell and am thisclose to humping a desk!?

Suddenly in the dairy aisle you had the realization that teachers are people and all of sudden you stopped being such a godd*mn prick in your classes.

These days, it seems that there is equal amount of shock when teachers, GASP, use the Internet. Now I know most students probably already realize teachers use the net tubes to do research or write on the library message board, but what about when you find them on Facebook or Myspace? Should they even be allowed? I mean seriously, isn’t that where kids openly talk about their debauchery and then get all ‘you read my diary!’ when they get grounded for the pictures they posted of them doing shots of Jameson with underwear on their head?

Apparently, yes, and ALSO, according to people in Missouri, Facebook and Myspace are directly related to teacher/student sexual relationships. Genius.

In Missouri in particular, a rash of student-teacher sexual relationships have spawned crackdowns on social-networking friendships. Web site badbadteacher.com, which keeps track of teachers disciplined, arrested and convicted of inappropriate behavior with students, lists 11 such teachers from Missouri within the last two years.

Which is why state legislator Jane Cunningham is sponsoring a bill in the Missouri House of Representatives that would ban elementary school teachers from having social-networking friendships with their students. (Cnn.com)

Here are some tips for parents who think Facebook and Myspace are responsible for teacher/student sexual relationships.

1) Teachers have been having sex with students forever. That doesn’t make it right but don’t act the like Internet is the advent of some new age of sexual molestation.

2) You leave your kid alone with them for 8 hours a day. The Internet is not your problem.

3) The answer is monitoring your child’s use of these sites. Banning teachers won’t stop some 50 year old creeper from posing as 14/F/Cali/CUTEY and then totally getting their kidnap on. This is like making a law that allows parents to be lazy. It’s your job to be net savvy if your going to let your kid run wild on the web. You’re like 45, I’m betting if you just sat down and opened a f*cking book you could probably master all of your Dell’s ‘intricate mystery.’

THE MAGIC BOX ALLOWS EVIL PEOPLE TO SEXOR OUR CHILDREN. BAN THE BOX. BAN PEOPLE FROM USING THE BOX.

Take off your ‘The E in Email Stands for Evil’ crew-cut T and use cognitive thought. If the dumb motherf*ckers at Dateline can outsmart sexual predators, I’m betting you guys can probably figure out a way to avoid them all together.