OMG. I am afraid to admit this, but I actually yelped at the end of tonight’s episode of The City. I also may or may not have jumped out of my seat and given Whitney a “You go, girl!”

Ok, I definitely did. Our secret?

I know that most of this show is scripted and it’s all a bunch of crap, but the scene between Jay and Whitney really tugged at my heart. I can’t even tell you how many times a guy has treated me like utter crap and I’ve immediately turned around and rolled out the red carpet for him to do it again.

Not Whit, though. I don’t know if it was finding out that Olivia stole her London gig, the conversation with Lauren, or the sage advice from DVF herself (we’ll get back to that later), but Whitney was not about to let Jay run her life and her emotions.  Even if he performed the grand gesture of flying back to NY and calling her from the street corner. Looking hot. In a suit. Mmmm.

Whitney finally stood up for herself and took her NY life into her own hands. And for that, she gets a standing “You Go, Girl” from this girl.

But Jay isn’t the only one Whitney stood up to; she finally (attempted to) confront Olivia about her stealing all the credit for Whit’s work on the Vogue cover. Not that it did much. No words can melt an ice princess like that real-life Blair Waldorf.  Olivia ended up stepping  on Whitney’s perfect little body as she climbed her way onto the plane to London. Amazing considering the girl can barely read.

But there is one thing Olivia didn’t get and that is some one-on-one time (and a thigh rub) from the one and only Diane Von Furstenberg. Now, I don’t have my own MTV “reality” show so I have never had the luxury of working for one of fashion’s greatest designers, but I’m pretty sure most lowly PR girls don’t even register on the designer’s radar. How is it, then, that DVF knew about Whitney’s boy troubles? And, seeing as she just put on a runway show, why would she care to sit down and give some young chick dating and love advice? I mean, the advice was great (and now I love that woman even more), but  I imagine DVF has better things to do than talk love and fires with Whitney Port.

Finally, on the complete opposite side of You-Go-Girl-ville, we also witnessed Ali take back her pathetic yet totally smoking hot boyfriend. After Adam went sh*t nuts on Erin for getting up in his business (while taking off and immediately putting back on his jacket), Ali went to talk to him and immediately fell for his “I love you, I wanna wake up next to you, tell me what I can do to fix this” BS. Because we haven’t heard that before.

Somehow, Ali buys into all of it (I imagine she is delirious do to the lack of nutrients in her frail little body) and returns for another dose of douchebaggery that is clearly right around the corner. I can’t wait until next week when the whole cycle starts over again. Maybe Ali needs a little sit-down with DVF. And also with some KFC, but that’s a whole different issue.

Before I knew it, it was 11pm and I had missed not only The City, but my evening shower as well.

I don’t really know what I missed last week, but I have a feeling none of that matters, especially after watching the major dramz from tonight’s episode. Big things! And I’m not talking about Olivia’s mastery of the English language in her DVF meeting. She sure wowed those bigwigs with her creation of the word “multipletude,” and use of such key PR phrases as, “Has globally has relevance,” and “you can see a longevity towards it.”

Beautiful. I’ve never laughed harder. Or felt more uncomfortable. It was almost like watching Meet The

Parents, only with a lot more designer clothing.

As much as I enjoyed that 3 minute segment (of a 22 minute show), all the real drama in the episode revolved around Whitney and Jay.

Now, up until this point in the season I found myself believing and loving everything Jay said in that sexy Australian accent, but not tonight. I don’t care what syllable he puts the emphasis on, Jay is just another douchey guy toying with a nice girl’s heart.

And Whitney finally realized! (See, she was paralyzed by the accent too!) In the realest moment we’ve seen all season, Whitney opens up to Erin about her issues with Jay.

“I don’t even know if he likes me.”

It’s as if all of the little things Jay has done throughout their relationship never registered but now, finally, as she says every little thing out loud, Whitney finally realizes how awful Jay has been to her. It was sad and heartbreaking to watch. I mean, we’ve all been there – in love with someone who just doesn’t treat us the way we want to be treated. And we make excuse after excuse for them, only to wake up one day and realize that the relationship (or whatever it is) really isn’t worth fighting for.

Of course Jay doesn’t believe that he’s done anything wrong and, once again, turns everything around to make Whitney feel crazy and wrong.

“I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong.”

Well, Jay, maybe that’s because you are. Maybe flirting with other girls, lying to your girlfriend and hiding the fact that you are going on tour are not the best and most honest things for a boyfriend to do. Maybe if you stopped for a second you’d realize that your girlfriend is not weak (“I feel like you just have to be a little bit stronger”) but has just been naïve and extremely lenient with all your bullsh*t.

And, while we’re at it, maybe you should realize that your band sorta sucks and that tour is going to bring you nothing but a few pair of dirty panties (probably Heidi Montag’s) thrown onto the stage.

The truth is, Jay never wanted to work things out or talk things out with Whitney. The reason he never told her he was going on tour was not because of how she’d react, but because he didn’t want to be dumped and homeless for a month before he left. Jay went to Whit’s apartment that last night in hopes that she’d break up with him because he’s far too much of a pussy to break up with her. When she didn’t, he was forced to take charge…and then run out of her apartment before he could see her cry.

Maybe it’s Jay who needs to be a little bit stronger.

I went to South Beach once. I ate really good sushi, stared into stores that I couldn’t even afford to walk into, and drunkenly slipped and fell on a stair leaving my entire left butt cheek so bruised I had to stand for the flight back to Michigan.  My trip would never have made good TV, which is probably why I am not on The City: too much ass, not enough drama.

The NYC kids (well, except Allie who was busy making porn in NYC) were sick of the dreary winter days so they decided to take a trip to Miami. Should be fun, right? Wrong. Obviously, drama follows these kids wherever they go and, obviously, Jay’s ex-fling (who he denies going home with that night after he and Whit started doin’ the dirty) happened to be at the same bar. Was it because she’s a total stalker? Perhaps.  A Coincidence? Perhaps. Whatever the reason, it turned the drama all the way up.

For someone who wants nothing to do with her and just wants to put the whole sitch behind him, Jay sure did get a bit jealous when he saw her with a dude. “Danielle’s over there with her f**king new boyfriend. But I don’t care. Really, I don’t…. I’m just gonna go over there and say hi.”

And what does he ask her to do? Clear the air with Whitney. This reminds me of the time when I accidentally broke my mom’s favorite ceramic tchotchke. I didn’t want her to know I did it and for the next week I kept saying things like, “I can’t believe that broke,” and “Gosh, I wonder who broke that.” See where I’m going with this? All that talking only made me look more guilty. Eventually, my mom figured it out…and withheld my allowance for a month.

When will Whitney start withholding “allowance,” huh?

Meanwhile, Adam is sitting in the bar chugging Patron from the bottle and hanging out with tons of bitches. Erin alerts Allie to this (even though I’m pretty sure calling from the bar is not the smartest idea), which brings the sh*tstorm back to NYC. Adam and Allie meet at a bar (even though they live together), they fight again and Adam begs her to let him earn her trust back.

Here’s an idea, Adam: stop acting like a manwhore. You can only regain this chick’s trust once (a week), so keep your d**k in your pants for once and stop acting like an ass when A) your GF’s friends are around and B) When MTV cameras are around. Do you really love this girl, or do you just need someone to split the rent with you?

When Erin returns from Miami she meets up with that other random friend for lunch at Bergdorf’s (standard) and immediately starts rubbing the whole trip in her face. The girl didn’t even have a chance to say hello before Erin jumps into how fun it was and how much drama there was. She doesn’t trust Adam:  “I smell a little ahi tuna…” she says. That’s her cute way of saying something smells fishy, but I think it may be the fact that she’s wearing a silk short-romper without any undies.

I’m just sayin….

The dramatic ep. ends when Whitney invites Jay’s bandmate’s GF out for a shopping trip….er…..”tell me everything you know about Jay” session. The girl confirms what we know and Whitney refuses to believe: Jay’s a lying bastard. Whitney has suspected this all along but, like most girls, has tried to push her doubts away and believe the best. Now, standing in an overpriced NYC boutique, her worst fears have been confirmed.

OMFG! What is she going to do now?

My guess? Go back to him, obvi. I mean, it’s not time for the season finale yet, is it?

Tonight’s episode of The City was all about celebrating the holidays with the people you love… by kicking them out of your apartment.

First Olivia gives Nevan the boot (kindly…or as kindly as she is able to communicate), and then Adam kicks Jay to the curb.

What a way to start the new year, eh?

And, speaking of new years, looks like Erin isn’t making any resolutions this time around. She seems to be perfectly content effing guys over left and right. The girl changes her mind about guys more often than I change the channel during an MTV commercial break. And those are long! I mean, my god, woman! She is the poster child for not missing something until it’s gone. Or for taking advantage of guys until she messes it up so much they dump her. Or for being a generally annoying person. You get the idea.

When she has something good (Duncan) she finds the need to go out and bring another (hotter) dude home. When that guy starts showing some attachment, she runs to the hills (of Toronto) and falls more in love with Duncan. But when Duncan asks her to be committed to only him she gets sad and confused and pushes the bearded man away once more only to spend her NYE single, clutching her phone, and getting pity kisses from her couple friends.

You brought this on yourself, Erin. And, frankly, I’m getting really sick of your flighty, I’m-so-stoned attitude. This is the real world; make some decisions and take responsibility for your actions!

And then there is the Allie/Adam/Jay sitch, which somehow all started over an intense game of Scrabble? I’m so confused. One minute Adam and Allie are discussing a killer 20 point word, the next minute Allie is asking for space and then somehow Jay gets booted from his apartment?

Did I miss something? How did Jay get pulled into this? Was it his Scrabble board?

All the drama fully boils over at the big New Year’s bash where Jay wears a sparkly vest (and looks smoking hot in a top hat) and Allie gets totally sh*tfaced, although I guess that’s what happens when you haven’t eaten since 2007.

Erin cries, Jay asks Whit if he can crash with her, and Adam and Allie make some lame ass toast to new beginnings. Yeah, we’ll see about that. I can’t wait to see what happens next week. Hopefully it involves Erin, her weird hair-accessories and an unfortanate mishap with a garbage truck.

Too harsh?

Ok, tonight’s episode of The City was….good. Really good. Chock full of the drama that I have come to expect from the MTV not-so-reality shows. It was so good, in fact, that it actually made me excited to watch next week. And if you’ve been following my recaps you will know that is saying a lot.

What made it so good? Well, for one, JR. He’s not so cute when he smiles, but he does seem to be the only real person on the show. And by “real” I mean “someone who leaves SoHo/Grammercy once in awhile and has a real job.” He’s totally smitten with Erin and her I-totally-just-smoked-a-ton-of-pot vibe and wines and dines her in attempts to woo her back.

Meanwhile Erin is telling anyone who will listen (even in the middle of a concert) that she is falling for him and even goes as far as telling the girl with the nose (Samantha?) that she just can’t make the whole long distance thing with her Canadian lover work.

Um, what? Isn’t long distance the only way to like it? Isn’t that the only type of relationship you’ve ever had? Make up your mind, Erin. You can’t change your mind every time it suits you! If that were the case then I’d be living in the Caribbean with a hot island boyfriend…but only until something better came along back here.Not that it matters anyway, because 5 seconds later the girl is changing her mind…again; she breaks JR’s little heart and ruins his break from work by crying and telling him she can’t see him anymore.  Poor guy can’t catch a break. Although, if he’s reading this, he can totes call me. I don’t smoke pot or “soul search” but I think I’m pretty awesome. I can even get you references!

Sorry – just trying to get me a Valentine before Saturday.

While we were not following the lust-life of Erin, the rest of the episode was devoted to Jay’s fun little band. Isn’t it great that we saw more of his performance than Whitney did? Good thing we don’t have some princessy little friend who needs to swap her one DVF jacket for the other and make us late for the show! Although that is probably more exciting than our leftover takeout after the gym, which is pretty much every Monday night around here.

After the first Jay show, Whitney thinks that Olivia felt bad for making her late and that’s why she got Jay the second gig, at the snooty party. Us smart (or more realistic) folks know, however, that Ms. Palermo is a real-life Blair Waldorf who always has a motive….Or MTV told her to get Jay the gig.

She and Nevan (who Jay keeps calling Bevan for some reason…) end up spending the night bad mouthing the band and then get all huffy when Whitney and Jay leave without saying goodbye.

Her reasoning? They didn’t dress up for the event.

Now, I’d just like to say that I see a lot of myself in Olivia and Nevan. Not so much the “I’m better than everyone” BS, but the fact that we all seem to be the type of people that are just divine to those who are on our good sides, but you wouldn’t want to be on the other side. That being said, I would like to do some horrible, awful things to Olivia Palermo.

After Olivia asks Whitney what she thought of the event, to which Whitney defended herself, Olivia holds up her anorexic hand and shoves Whit back into her place.

“We should just keep our work lives and personal lives separate.” [Evil glare.]

Seriously, if I had the money to get to NY, I would take that Louboutin stiletto of hers and shove it where it hurts… Or just rub it in Butler’s crap and wipe it across her pristine white couch. How’s that for drama, MTV? Huh?

Great episode. Great drama. Great pudding and chocolate chip cookies I noshed on during the ep. Can’t wait for next week and I can’t believe I’m saying that.

Well, it looks like Whitney didn’t need our advice after all. Seems like everything is perfect in her world. She’s got the job, the apartment, the friends and the man. She’s even got Diane Von Freaking-Furstenburg playing with her hair!

Totally unfair.

But Whitney isn’t 100% perfect. In fact, tonight’s episode proved to me that Whitney is actually a real person. You know you/your friends have done and said the same exact things as her when dealing with a dude who just wouldn’t commit:

“We need to take a step back and decide what we want to do.”

“It’s my life and my time and he doesn’t own me or my time.”

Yes, Whitney – convince yourself that this whole “we’re not official” thing is mutual and that you both have to decide what you want. Convince everyone else that you are still looking around for a spark with someone else. We all know that the “we” in that statement means “Jay,” and that you want nothing more than for that bearded Australian to own both you and your time.

I didn’t think you’d succeed. Not tonight at least. Not after you looked to your dear friend Erin for man advice. Erin, the girl who has never had a relationship with someone in the same zip code. Erin, who shoved her man into a cab before he could even finish telling her that he wanted to move to the same city as her. Yeah, she seems like the one with all the answers.

And then you tried and make Olivia Palermo (and America) believe that you weren’t going to play that whole lunch-date-with-the-boring-financial-guy thing against Jay to get him to finally commit. You threw that information out before your ass hit the seat and you stuck your hands in the bowl of complimentary tortilla chips!

Although I have to say: well played, Port. Well played, indeed. One awkward lunch with a dude from work and you have Jay, a bottle of wine and a romantic makeout sesh in front of your floor-to-ceiling windows.

I tried it once and all I got was a late night text telling me my guy chose his ex gf (who was still in high school) over me. But then again, I am no Whitney Port. DVF wants nothing to do with my hair. Hell, I can’t even afford her dress on clearance!

I have to say, though, I am a little disappointed in how quickly all the pieces fell into place for Ms. Port and The City. Partly because I want her life (and wardrobe) and will never get it, partly because it sets a bad example for girls getting ready to move into the real world, and mostly because the Jay drama was the only real thing happening on the show.

What is everyone (and I mean everyone) going to talk about now? Every conversation starts with, “How are things with Jay?” Will MTV turn the show into 15 minutes instead of 30? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

I have watched you since the first season of The Hills and now on The City, so it’s kinda safe to say that I know you, or at least the parts of your life that are shown on MTV. I was there for the big transition to life in NYC and it looks like have navigated life in the big city pretty well so far: you’ve found your dream apartment, you have your dream job, and, of course, you got your “dream boy.”

Well, that’s why I’m writing. As a loyal and caring fan, I would like to give you the guy advice that Lauren would have given you if you hadn’t left her to get your own show work for DVF. Only I won’t be as harsh or bitchy as her. And my mascara won’t run all over my face when we start crying and hugging and loving each other again.

You are being naive, Whit. Or maybe you are just so in love with Jay that you’re blind. I understand that he is cute, he dedicates songs to you (awww) and has an Australian accent; I would probably melt too. So whats the problem, you may ask.

See, the thing is, dear, Jay seems to be playing you. (Ok, he’s TOTALLY playing you.) He’s seeing other girls apart from you. But it’s not like you didn’t know this already from Alex, that model guy you met but ditched for Jay (who I will gladly take for my very own). Yes, I get that you may not believe Alex because you may think that he’s trying to ruin it for you after you unceremoniously ignored him when Jay came around. But trust him this time. Then pass him my number.

Remember when you confronted Jay about Alex’s accusations and he said that he was going to call that Danielle chick (that was her name, right?) that he was supposedly with, but you wouldn’t let him make the call? Shoulda let him call, girlfriend. Should have let him call. Then we wouldn’t be having this awkward conversation.

I won’t tell you to break up with Jay, because you seem head-over-heels in love with him already (and then your show will be even more boring). My advice is that you be careful, because even though that “social ” bitch, Olivia, seems to be bashing Jay so she can have him all for herself, she may actually have a point.

When you do sit down and watch the episodes of your show, you will see that I am right about Jay. You will also notice that those fringy bootie things you sometimes wear are really ugly. When that time comes, I will be here with the tubs of ice cream and the tissues….and some basic flats.

So be careful for now. I’ll be watching.

Sincerely yours,

Mazuba