Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a friend (let’s call her D) who is always asking me when I’m going to break up with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I got together senior year of high school, and now it’s junior year of college. He’s really great, and we love each other. He’s not going anywhere.

D and I used to be really close , but she’s always been really jealous of my boyfriend. He’s always nice to her, and when we hang out in a group, we all have a good time. She says it’s nothing personal; she just thinks I’d be happier single. I think she’d just be happier if I were single. She always wants me to come out for “girls’ nights,” and then she tries to get me to hook up with random guys! I don’t know what her deal is. Every single one of my other friends loves my boyfriend. What should I do?

Friend Problems

Dear Friend Problems,

Man, this girl is jealous! D clearly wants you all to herself, and not in that fun sexual way, either. Misery loves company, and singles love wing-friends. Being single can be totally fun. But it sounds like your friend wants you to be her partner in crime, and you’re already spoken for! She’s like, “Gosh, wouldn’t it be fun if Friend Problems broke up with her awesome boyfriend, because I want to go partying in with her?”

NO, YOU SHOOPHEAD D, NO IT WOULD NOT.

Look, you have a boyfriend you obviously care a great deal about, and it sounds like he’s awesome. Your friend, however, sounds crappy. If you’re already going out with her, why does she want you to cheat on your boyfriend?! Why does she want you to break up with him?! Because she’s selfish as floop.

Don’t get caught up in this. Keep hanging out with D if you like her (although she sounds really annoying if you ask lil ol’ Aunt Tuff). But the second she brings up your boyfriend in ANY WAY, I want you to say this exact phrase EVERY SINGLE TIME: “I love him so much. I’m not going to talk about him with you.” And change the goshdarn flooping subject!

Geez. D sucks.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[lead image via Piotr Marcinski, shutterstock.com] 

Dear Tuffy Luv,

We’ve all done it.  We claim that we are the best of friends, but the truth is that we are all guilty.  We sit and listen to our friends complain about their breakups, lend a shoulder to cry on, and then offer consoling words:  “You can do so much better” or “he’s the one missing out, not you.”  The sob-fest concludes and what do we do?

We immediately call our other friends to vent about just how annoying it is that Jill still isn’t over Jack.  After all, their break up was three months ago!  Can’t she just get a grip?!  We vow to never act so desperate, and we wouldn’t of course, because our breakups happened around the same and we are so, totally over our ex.

But wait, are we really?  Before we throw Jill down the hill for holding on too long, maybe we should read the signs to see if we aren’t exactly “over” our ex’s either:

Sign 1:  You check his Facebook every time you log on. And by check, I mean analyze literally every post, never missing a beat.  You read every status, look at every picture, and undoubtedly read the wall-to-wall between him and every mysterious girl who leaves a comment.  Privacy settings put on a damper on your stalking capabilities? You get your best friend to friend this anonymous skank (she must be a skank…they all are) so that you can see all 2,000 of her pictures without your ex knowing.  But don’t worry, BFF Jill will reassure you that you are prettier than her in each and every picture.

Sign 2: You text him while drunk. You may blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol, but you manage to text him a variation of “I miass yiou” every time you’re out partying.  After the text is sent, your phone becomes glued to your hand waiting for a response.  If it never comes, the beer tears start flowing.  You are embarrassed in the morning and claim you didn’t mean it; you were wasted.  Excuses, excuses, we’re not buying it.  And speaking of phones…..

Sign 3: You refuse to delete him! You say the nastiest things about him and blabber different versions of “I hate him and am never speaking to him again” to everyone who crosses your path, but you have yet to delete his number from your phone.  You tell yourself that you still have it “just in case”….in case of what?  And to top it off, you still have old text messages saved of the cute things he used to say to you.  You “stumble” upon them every once in awhile claiming you had NO idea they were still there. Mhm, sure.

Sign 4: You plan your hookups according to the likelihood of him finding out. The sweeter the revenge, the more of a chance the new guy has.  He’s a frat brother of your ex’s best friend? PERFECT! He is SURE to find out: perfect candidate!  If you do stumble upon a hot guy who has no connection to your ex, you make sure to get tons of pictures with him.  You on his lap, kissing his cheek, arms around each other, the more the merrier.  And without fail, they are on Facebook the next morning before you’ve even brushed your teeth.

Sign 5: Everything reminds you of him. You find yourself skipping every song on the radio because they just scream his name.  Your friends are jamming out to “Bad Romance” and you immediately must change it because was practically written for you two… you had a romance, and then.. it was bad.  You’re almost certain that Lady GaGa stalked you and used your breakup as inspiration for the lyrics.  Once the music is silenced your friend asks if you caught the new episode of “The Office.”  Of course not, it was his favorite show, so clearly you can’t watch it, or talk about it, because it’s a total representation of him.  You’re right… noooone else watches it, it’s totally “his” show.

Sign 6: You still sleep in his t-shirt….and hoodie…and sweatpants. We know, we know, it’s not because they’re his, it’s because they’re just SO comfortable.  Understandable, his plain t-shirt is probably made out of an extra special, soft, jersey material that no other t-shirt is made out of.  And the hoodie, we know you don’t pay attention to the fact that it has his last name and football number on the back, you just like how massive and cozy it is.  And you’re right, XL sweatshirts probably don’t exist anywhere else, his pair is one of a kind.

If you were found guilty of more than one of these tell tale signs…then you might not want to be so quick to judge Jill the next time she gets choked up when Justin Bieber’s “One Less Lonely Girl” comes on the radio.  But it’s OK, maybe in the end you have to go through all of these steps to actually get over him.  And don’t worry, you are prettier than the anonymous whore on his Facebook (even though she happens to be his cousin…)

[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear dude,

Problem: my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend texts him constantly. They were in a relationship for 2 years on and off in high school. I asked him to not talk to her and he didn’t for about 4 months. But she texted him consistently and he finally gave in and started talking to her. He said she really needed him for advice. I know this because I sometimes check his phone. Bad I know on my part but I had good reason to! Now he locks his phone and I’m worried he has something to hide. I know she still loves him; am I being paranoid? I’m in a new relationship and we have told each other we love each other already. We discussed this but I’m just not comfortable with the whole thing; should I be?

Sincerely,
Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,

PUT THE BOYFRIEND’S PHONE DOWN! I want to discuss with you the theory of cause and effect. If you invade someone’s privacy by, say, stealing his cell phone and rummaging through his texts, what effect do you foresee this having?

1. He finds your lack of trust in him endearing.
2. He decides to let you inspect every aspect of his life on a regular basis.
3. He STOPS TRUSTING YOU!

Hint: A and B have never happened in the recorded history of human civilization.

Alright, you’ve been punished. Now, take a few deep breaths and let’s hash out a battle plan.

I admire that you two have tried talking this through. A term you’ll have heard of if you ever went to a shrink or at least watched In Treatment: setting boundaries.  However, be careful of being misled by the term boundaries. Setting boundaries isn’t dictating what your boyfriend can or can’t do, but what you can or can’t accept. You don’t tell someone to stop talking to their ex, you tell him you won’t accept him continuing to be involved with his ex when he should be involved with YOU.

There’s a clear emotional chain in situations like these. You don’t trust his ex. However, that really implies you don’t trust him with his ex. This indicates you don’t trust him to be faithful to you. Therefore, you have concerns or doubts about the relationship and want to make sure you don’t get hurt. Your fears lead to panicked and obsessive behavior that will cause the deterioration of your relationship. YOU’RE SPRINTING TO THE BREAK UP!

The mantra for any relationship that lasts beyond bouts of doubt and jealousy is the following: “communication is key.” You have to talk with him again. Try asking him some of the following questions:  Why does he feel the need to keep indulging his ex? Is there anything left unresolved between them? What are his fears regarding your relationship? If the situation were reversed, how would he respond to it?

There are a couple of less realistic and less recommended methods of dealing with an ex. The first way entails you finding and beating the holy heck out of her. While this is a fantasy for some men (of course the “fighting” involves either a bed of pillows or a pool filled with melted chocolate) it most likely would end with scars and assault charges. Option number two is that you take a vow of silence and wait for either something or nothing to happen. This may result in you driving yourself insane and escalating your obsessive behavior (he doesn’t have a bunny does he?). Yet a third way is to wash your hands of the relationship. We all know where that road leads (a month’s supply of Ben & Jerry’s, a Chuck marathon, and your room reverts to a jungle of clothes).

So save yourself the legal fees, straightjacket, and heartbreak induced weight gain. Talk to your boy. Apologize for swiping his iPhone. Ask him what’s tying him to this ex and tell him what you can or can’t put up with before it ends the relationship. Or become the next ex that won’t go away.

Closing the Ex File,
Agent Dude

Right now this best friend is lucky enough to be at the start of what we can all tell is going to be a great relationship with one of the few guys who might be worthy of her. I am as excited about it as she is. After months of squealing with her and analyzing every text he sent, they are officially dating and it is so exciting!

As happy as I am for her – and I really, truly am beyond thrilled – watching her get dolled up for dates and hear her giggling through the wall when he spends the night makes me miss being in a relationship myself. I’ve really enjoyed the time I’ve spent single this year – let’s face it: the twin beds in college dorm rooms were not meant to fit two people – but seeing someone else enjoying the bliss that comes at the beginning of a relationship is making me a bit, well, jealous.

Now don’t get me wrong – my momentary pangs of jealousy are nothing compared to my overall glee for my dear friend, but the jealousy is definitely there. When he brings her candy at the library, when he sends her a goodnight text, when they cuddle on the futon to watch TV; it all makes me nostalgic for the good things about being in a relationship, which are suddenly the only things I can think about. Even with my old boyfriends that were, in general, all schmucks.

Suddenly I’m sitting my room, listening to sappy music and flipping through old photos, thinking of my own past relationships with rose colored glasses on. “Maybe he did turn into a drug dealer now, but he was really sweet about bringing me my favorite coffee when I was hung over…And now I’m alone while everyone else is off getting boyfriends and being all happy.”

It’s frustrating. I don’t want to be jealous; I want to be unconditionally happy for my friend. She deserves it! And I’ve got so much going for me right now, too. I’m single and I’m free (and I don’t have to share my twin bed with anybody!). I guess that’s just something I’ll have to keep reminding myself of as I continue living the life of the single girl.

Question for Tuffs?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and by gum get that shiz adDRESSED!!!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Okay so here’s my problem. I met this really nice guy at the school I just transferred to. I thought things weren’t going to pass a certain point because, one, he’s just a freshman and I’m a junior, and he’s also my little sister’s best friend from high school.

Things were great at first because we have so much in common. I was starting to get really close to him and would spend every day with him and began to develop feelings for him. I invited him out with me and another close friend (we’ll call him Joe) and things were a little weird because my new friend isn’t the most social person.

I have to step back a second because I left out one big piece of information. Both of my friends are bi. Joe came out to me early on in the Fall. The new friend came out to be in late September.

I told my new friend that Joe was bi and he began a friendship with him that is turning into a serious relationship. I was really taken back when I found out and didn’t quite know what to do so I avoided the new friend for a few days while I thought everything through. I figured there’s nothing much to do but be happy for them even though I felt a twinge of betrayal. And I don’t know why, because I know I have no claim to the guy.

I think I was mostly taken back because Joe knew how I felt about my new friend. I thought I could deal with the relationship (mostly because I’m happy my new friend is happy) but it seems all me and Joe do is fight.

They both try not to leave me out and invite me everywhere they go, but I can’t help but feel left out. Especially when there’s some making out going on (and there’s a lot). I usually try to tune them out or simply leave the room.

How can I stop from feeling I have a claim to this guy and make things better with Joe? I’m not quite sure how to make everyone happy and include myself. I’ve gotten to the point where I decline invites because I feel bad about how I feel but end up feeling alone while they’re out.

This is actually the first time I’ve asked for advice because their relationship is still on some serious DL.

–Doubly Alone

Dear Doubly Alone,

Short and sweet (like Tuff): Stop hanging out with them.

Now I don’t mean stop being friends with these guys. You should ABSOLUTELY be friends with them. Girl, you’ve got to get over this idea that somehow these guys have wronged you by becoming romantically entwined. Repeat after me: IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Get over it.

But in the meantime, yeah, obviously it’s hurting you and you can’t help that. So all’s I’m saying is, stop hanging out with them together. I actually think it’s really sweet that they’re inviting you out with them to try to make you feel included. See? They really do love you.

But they’re also trying to form a real relationship with each other. Stop making it more difficult and start being happy for them. The best way to do this until you’re ACTUALLY over it is to hang out with them one-on-one and not go on their dates with them. Der. Stop being there when they’re making out and you won’t have to watch it.

In the meantime, yeah, I think you should mend your friendship with the Unliked Cousin. It sounds like the only problem between you two is that you’re feeling jealous. So it’s up to you to sit down with this guy and say everything you’re feeling about the whole situation. Yeah, it’ll suck. But it’ll put everything out into the open, and afterward you guys can move on with your lives, friendship intact. Just don’t talk about it in an attacking way–make sure everything you say is honest and that nothing you say is meant specifically to hurt him.

Sounds like you actually have some good friends here. Hope you’re able to get past your jealousy so you can be a good friend back.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

As someone who’s spent a majority of their college career in an LDR, only spending summers and holidays with my guy, I consider myself an expert in the intricacies of the dreaded time apart. Are you thinking of starting one as you and your warm-weather fling get ready for separate schools next fall? Answer the following Q’s to see if you have what it takes!

Drinkin’
When you get drunk, is it impossible for you to keep the flirting to a minimum? Do your beer goggles often lead you to bring guys back for some late night noshing and nooky after the bars?

Do you think that “making out” with a rando is okay as long as it only happens once and you can’t really remember it the next morning?

BFFs
Are you jealous of your girlfriends who are in relationships? If your roommate was sleeping at her boyfriend’s house every night, would you wallow in depression knowing that your boyfriend was miles away?

Stalkin’
Are you a stalker? If your BF got tagged in a Facebook picture with a group of attractive and scantily-clothed girls, would you attempt to hack into his account to make sure that they were “just friends?”

Do you to think its okay to read your BF’s emails and Facebook messages? What about listening to his voicemails? (Be honest… we don’t judge!)

Jealousy/Paranoia/General Craziness
Are you a very jealous person? If your boyfriend didn’t call you for a few hours, would you assume that he was getting it on with his hot treadmill buddy from the gym?

Would you call him more than two times if he didn’t pick up? Have you been known to send out your share of passive aggressive text messages?

Talkin’
Are you bad at talking on the phone? Would you be bummed if you had to skip out on Sunday night dining-hall-binge-sessions with your friends so that you and your boyfriend could recap your weekends with a 60 minute phone call?

Peepin’
Does the thought of getting naughty with your computer’s camera make you uncomfortable? Are you too busy for frequent video-chatting?

Travelin’
Are you a far plane ride away from your guy? Would it cost you a lot of money to visit him as often as you wanted? Is there a time difference that would make everyday communication difficult?

If you answered “YES” to a number of these questions, I’d think twice before jumping into the LDR pool. After all, these are a bunch of fish in the sea, right? Sometimes it’s better to end things when they’re good then end up looking like a drunk crazy stalker who can’t go home alone at the end of the night…

Men are tricky creatures. As much as we may wish we could read their minds, it just isn’t possible (yet… come on, science!). But don’t worry, I have discovered a trick to help us understand them a little more.

We all know guys that have picked up Cosmo from time-to-time (or have a monthly subscription) to help them figure out what their women are thinking. Hell, I bet a bunch of guys are reading CollegeCandy right now to try and figure something out about their girlfriends. Well ladies, we can do the same thing! Taking a peek at the kind of dating and relationship advice guys are being fed is a great way to get into the mind of a dude and see why he acts the way he does. Every Wednesday I’ll be doing just that. Hopefully, this will explain a few things…

This Week’s Article: Her Best Friend Is A Guy by askmen.com.

As someone who has a lot of close platonic male friends in her life, this article particularly irked me. And by “irked,” I mean “pissed me the hell off.”

The boys (they are not men) over at AskMen refuses to believe that a male and female can truly ever be good friends. As they say, “we’re operating under the assumption that heterosexual men and women cannot be best friends; sex always gets in the way.” I know many people may believe this, but I am living testament to the fact that it is not true. I would never dream of sleeping with my best guy friends, who I absolutely adore, and I know they feel the same way about me. In fact, the mere thought of it all makes me puke in my mouth a little.

Moving on…

The article lists a number of steps to help the reader deal when the girl he is dating has a close male friend. The first few sound OK: don’t express jealousy, meet the best friend, be nice to her best friend, find out their history, etc. The steps all seem pretty normal and natural in any relationship, but don’t be fooled. According to the author, your boyfriend’s “main objective here is to assess the competition,” rather than simply get to know your friend and what role he plays in your life.

And if being shady and manipulative isn’t bad enough, it all goes downhill from here. After assessing the competition, the article advises guys to phase BFF out. Why? “If her best friend is a guy, it’s probably going to cause problems for your relationship, as there will always be another guy with whom she’s emotionally intimate.” Because clearly it’s impossible for men to understand or accept that women can be emotionally connected to more than one person. Especially a dude; if she was emotionally intimate with a female friend, I doubt it would be a problem.

But, again, it gets even worse.

Step 7: Get her to talk about him. The article says: “Another useful technique for phasing him out is to subtly get her to talk about him. Encourage her whenever she starts complaining about him. Be there whenever the two of them get into an argument.”

Um, NO! Of coarse you should be there for your S.O. when they are fighting with a friend, but this shady approach to ruin their friendship will only push your girlfriend away. If she gets the sense that you hate her male friend (and she definitely will when you start prodding her to complain about him…we’re not dense like SOME people…) it’s only going to make her question your motives. And besides, shouldn’t men stop being so damn selfish and insecure and think about what makes their girlfriends happy for once? You know, like having healthy relationships with their friends?

Step 8: Get him to embarrass himself. “OK, granted, setting her best friend up to embarrass himself is a pretty shifty move, but all is fair in love and war, right? Try getting her best friend drunk, or subtly encouraging asinine behavior.” This kind of behavior doesn’t just make guys bad boyfriends, it make them all around sh*tty people. Honestly, who does this?!

AskMen should be telling their readers to GROW UP. So what if their girlfriend has close male friends? If they are honestly a threat, the guys need to talk to her about it. But they usually aren’t and guys need to realize that they are important people in her life and probably will be for a while. Just because someone’s girlfriend has a best male friend doesn’t mean she will be less of a girlfriend to him. It should actually be a good thing. It shows that she is good at relating to guys, and probably enjoys some more male-oriented activities. It also means that when they get into fights, instead of sitting around with her girlfriends talking about what a dick the guy is, maybe she’ll talk it out with her guy friend and he’ll help her see that there are two sides to every argument.

Of course, guys don’t see that. At least the ones writing these articles. They’re far too insecure to have a relationship, let alone a healthy one.

Girls, have you noticed your boyfriends employing any of these steps to rid you of your male friends?

[This post is courtesy of our gal pal, Marie Claire.]

Most of the time I see jealous and overly possessive guys driving their girlfriends away.    They appear to be controlling and insecure.

But, then again, if you don’t act jealous at all, you look like you don’t care.  Sadly, I’ve seen women admit that it’s nice to know that their guy is a little jealous or possessive of them.

So let’s go over the characters in our lives that may make our significant others jealous:

Ex boyfriend/girlfriend– When you manage to remain friends with your ex, it can be a source of jealousy for any new person you date.  Just like any friend, you may spend time with your ex, and you’ll expect your significant other to be secure enough to deal with this.

Friends– There are all types of friends that can make someone jealous.  There can be a competition between your best friend and your significant other, who believes that the two of you are best friends.

Family– Sometimes certain family members are just so close to that person you’re dating.  Whether it’s a parent or a sibling, you may feel inadequate compared to the relationship they share.  They had-in most cases-a huge head start in creating a relationship with your loved one, so sometimes it’s a little intimidating when they are so close to particular family members.

Work– Remember that Saved by The Bell where Zach’s dad was not paying enough attention to him because he was always on his cell phone?  Finally, Zach took the cell phone away (that cell phone was the size of some of an airline carry-on bag by the way), and his dad realized that he had been too into his work.  When someone is too into work, you begin to resent that job they are so into.

Pets– My mom definitely treats the cats better than she treats my dad.  He’s pretty secure, so he doesn’t mind, but I’ve definitely seen her yell at him for lots of reasons, while the cats can do no wrong.

Material Goods– This is rare, but sometimes guys get way to into their car or other material goods.

Read the rest at Marie Claire!

When a guy moves on before you do, it can be tempting to cry, throw things, or scream like a banshee, but none of those things will make your man come back to you. If you handle the situation like an adult, you will find yourself on a much smoother road to recovery, and you will maintain your dignity along the way.

1. Don’t Avoid the Situation

You go to a party, feeling single and ready to mingle, and then you see them, canoodling on the couch. Your first instinct might be to leave the party in tears and spend the rest of the weekend in bed, sobbing into your pillow. Likewise, if you and your ex shared a group of friends, you might try to avoid social situations where you might run into them. In either scenario, you’ll make getting over him even more difficult, because you’ll be missing out. Who knows? The party you fled might have been one of the greatest nights in your college career. Tough it out, and try to have a good time.

2. Do Feel Good About Yourself

If your breakup sends you spiraling into a depression that consists of sweatpants and hair that hasn’t been washed in four days, running into them will make you feel bad on so many levels. So you aren’t together any more — no reason to neglect your personal hygiene. So you don’t have a dinner date with him on Friday — doesn’t mean you can’t dress up in a fun, flirty number and hit the town. If you feel good about how you look, you’ll feel better emotionally. And you’ll feel great about running into them while you look absolutely fabulous. He might not know what he’s missing, but you sure do! Besides, looking and feeling good will send out signals to the pool of single men on campus, one of whom might be your next boyfriend.

3. Don’t Hate Her

Girls love to hate girls, especially girls they don’t know. Especially girls they don’t know who are dating the men they want. Be the bigger person. If you run into them on campus on the way to class, look her in the eye and say, “It’s nice to meet you.” If you and he share the same circle of friends, try to get to know her when you are all hanging out. You will impress your friends and your ex by handling the situation so maturely, and you might actually grow to like the girl. If you can see some of the good qualities in her that he sees, it will be easier for you to let him go, because you won’t be bitching about her to your girlfriends and asking, “How could he date her after me?”

4. Do Be Happy For Him

Being dumped is a hard blow to the ego. But we’re young right? Out of all of the relationships we have in college, only one (if any) is really going to last. Try to stay positive! If you see that he’s moved on, don’t take it personally. It was bound to happen for him, and it’s bound to happen for you, eventually. If you curse his newfound happiness, you’re going to stay miserable. However, if you try to be happy for him, you won’t waste as many precious moments brooding over his moving on, thus freeing yourself up for your own rebound.

5. Don’t Force Yourself to Look Happier Than He Is

If you know you’re going to run into them, you might want to appear as if you’re doing just fine without him. In fact, you want him to think you’re better off! If you are doing fine without him, or if you are better off, that’s fine, but you don’t have to go out of your way to convey that. Trying to show off or make him jealous won’t work. He probably won’t notice, he probably won’t get jealous, and you’ll look like a fool.

If you see them at a party, grabbing the guy pumping the keg and sticking your tongue down his throat won’t give your ex the same twinge of jealousy that you feel when you see him holding her hand. Realizing that will hurt even more. The bottom line is that if he’s moved on before you, you’re no longer his number one priority, and you have to accept that. You can do so with grace and dignity, or you can do so with rage and vengeance. Do you want to go down as the psycho ex, or the really cool girl he used to date?

[photo from www.asdfing.com]