Nothing can turn a confident girl into a insecure mess faster than bathing suit season. Suddenly every mirror you look into turns into a fun house mirror of horrors. When did your stomach get so flabby and when did your skin turn translucent?

But don’t throw on your beach burqa quite yet. No matter how bad you think you look in that bikini (and it’s all in your head, obvi), these celebrities look a thousand times worse. Yes, even the sexiest of the sexy fall victim to the bikini.

[Click thumbnails to see the full hot mess image.]

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Finally, we’ve made it through a week without a cheating scandal! Hollywood’s finest has managed to keep it in their pants for a whole seven days. Good job, celebutards!

Crucial Information

1. Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage this week, landing him in the ICU in a Phoenix hospital. Doctors think the cause may be from his diabetes. He is doing a lot better and is now speaking, which is a big improvement. His team is hoping he’ll be well enough to resume his tour at the end of May. Get well soon, we need another season of Rock of Love!

2. Sandra Bullock is a mom! I can’t believe she kept this secret under wraps for so long. Sandra and Jesse have been in the adoption process for four years and brought the 3 1/2 month old baby home before the Oscars. Since the news of Jesse’s infidelity broke, Sandra has confirmed she has filed for divorce and is adopting as a single parent. Good for her! It’s nice to see her getting back on her feet.

3. It’s the Biebonic plague! Justin Bieber has caused massive insanity in Australia and New Zealand this week. Bieber Fever hit and about ten girls fainted and a few went to the hospital. I love me some Biebs, but this is out of control. Someone even pushed his mom! Read More »

Jenna Jameson taught me how to give a blow job.

I never got a private lesson (no matter how many emails my boyfriend sent begging her), but I found her fool proof tips tucked away on page 108 of her autobiography, How To Make Love Like A Porn Star. It’s actually a really interesting read (especially compared to the 18th Century Lit I’ve been reading) and I recommend you go out and buy it. But for now, I’ll just share with you a few of her 10 Commandments for giving “killer head he’ll never forget.”

Come on – who doesn’t want to know that?

Eye Contact.
Jenna says: “When you’re going down on him, keep your hair out of your face and look up at him with big doe eyes.”

I say: Great, but we’re not all porn stars, and it strains your neck to make eye contact the whole time. Just make sure you look up occasionally and try to make some sexy “I really love what I’m doing” eyes while you do.

Use Your Hands Wisely.
Jenna says: “In addition to stroking him, try tickling his balls a little.”

I say: “Mind the stepchildren” is something all guys want us to do. Fine. But even if that area isn’t really your thing, using your hands is also a great way to make things easier on you (read: give that jaw a break) and make things better for him (read: a little added pressure).  Just make sure to use plenty of saliva to keep things smooth. Read More »

Maxim’s #1 hottie is, well, hot.

The Gosselin cheating frenzy continues…

Paris Hilton’s frat party gets out of hand.

Annoying things girls do.

Hellooooo, cheap makeup!

10 ways to survive post-graduation summer.

Are you a Guinness girl, or more of a Shamrock Shake-r?

Natasha Richardson injured in a ski accident.

I know what I want for my birthday!

It couldn’t be that hard for Jenna Jameson to deliver twins…

Hands down, the best product ever.

Carson Daly had a baby.

Which birth control is right for you?

Octomom’s new house gets TP’d.

5 awesome Facebook features.

Foods you should never give up for a diet.

Bare Accessories: the perfect accessory.

Amazingly adorable spring dresses for under $70.

Any my parents freaked out about my eyebrow piercing…

New Rihanna rumors.

Get Angelina’s Oscar hair and makeup (and boyfriend?).

How to be a green student.

Porn star Jenna Jameson launches perfume. What does porn smell like?

8 awesome celebrity meltdowns.

Katie Holmes takes a stab at acting.

Get your first year of college on EBay?

Damn! Julia Louis Dreyfus looks good!

We miss Chuck Bass.

Tips for transitioning your wardrobe into spring.

The best foot creams out there.

Shanna Moakler reacts to Travis Barker’s plane crash.

The awkwardness of the Emmys in 2 minutes.

Want Britney’s hand-me-downs? You can buy em!

Against all odds, 90210 is picked up for a full season.

Whitney Port is getting her own show.

Watch out NYC – here comes LiLo!

It’s twins for porn star, Jenna Jameson.

Twitter for the Christian folk.

There is no way Britney really looks like this.

Heidi’s many Emmy outfits. Which was your fav?

The 10 friends you need to have.

You gotta love Japanese culture. They always find a way to surprise you with their little quirks and pleasantries.

I mean, in America, the stereotypical retiree will move down to Florida to spend their time lounging by the pool in a gated community or playing a few holes on the golf course. Lame. In Japan, adult films for senior citizens, aka “elderly porn” is growing into quite the profitable franchise, according to porn producing giant Ruby Productions.

While America’s economy is declining, many entertainment venues (including golf courses) are taking a hit. In Japan, at least one retiree is cashing in on the entertainment biz. Shigeo Tokuda, 73, is the Ron Jeremy of elderly porn.

CNN correspondent Kyung Lah describes Tokuda as “the star of his movies in every way, romancing his co-stars, no matter their age, no matter their needs.” And apparently, his films are no-holds-barred, much like anything Jenna Jameson has appeared in. Read More »

So, the other day, while at work and totally bored, I came across a surprisingly good article, especially since it’s from Marie Claire, which is generally totally vapid.

The author of the article had a strange family (read: possible incest? he’s not sure) and he’d lost touch with his sister, who only called his mother once in a while to report that she had some fabulous job.

And then…he saw his sister’s picture in a porn magazine.

It all spiraled down from there. Guilt. Embarrassment. Horror. I mean, you name it. What struck me the most, however, was the sister’s relationship to her family in relation to what she did. She basically just disappeared from sight.

At first, I thought that was pretty awful of her. I mean, she should at least give her family the chance to understand, right? Shouldn’t she give them the opportunity to show her that they love her no matter what she does?

But then I got to thinking what it must be like to be a pornstar. Imagine people recognizing you on the street and knowing what you look like underneath that crisp interview suit? Imagine them eyeing you while you’re on a date at some nice candlelit restaurant? Read More »

Alcohol can do a whole lot of things to us. For most girls, there is one sure thing it seems to do every time we’ve had way too much to drink:

It convinces us that we are sexy. That we are…SO sexy.

And a wasted girl who is convinced that she is…SO sexy…is pretty much a recipe for soon-to-come regret. With the slightest instigation, whiskey shots can transform themselves into public make out sessions. And public make out sessions can even sooner become private bedroom parties where you are, invariably, SURE that you’re Jenna Jameson.

And while your ass in the air is likely a sight to be seen and your “dirty talk” is welcomed, (albeit much more hilarious than sensual); you are not Jenna Jameson. Read More »