Nothing can turn a confident girl into a insecure mess faster than bathing suit season. Suddenly every mirror you look into turns into a fun house mirror of horrors. When did your stomach get so flabby and when did your skin turn translucent?

But don’t throw on your beach burqa quite yet. No matter how bad you think you look in that bikini (and it’s all in your head, obvi), these celebrities look a thousand times worse. Yes, even the sexiest of the sexy fall victim to the bikini.

[Click thumbnails to see the full hot mess image.]

Finally, we’ve made it through a week without a cheating scandal! Hollywood’s finest has managed to keep it in their pants for a whole seven days. Good job, celebutards!

Crucial Information

1. Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage this week, landing him in the ICU in a Phoenix hospital. Doctors think the cause may be from his diabetes. He is doing a lot better and is now speaking, which is a big improvement. His team is hoping he’ll be well enough to resume his tour at the end of May. Get well soon, we need another season of Rock of Love!

2. Sandra Bullock is a mom! I can’t believe she kept this secret under wraps for so long. Sandra and Jesse have been in the adoption process for four years and brought the 3 1/2 month old baby home before the Oscars. Since the news of Jesse’s infidelity broke, Sandra has confirmed she has filed for divorce and is adopting as a single parent. Good for her! It’s nice to see her getting back on her feet.

3. It’s the Biebonic plague! Justin Bieber has caused massive insanity in Australia and New Zealand this week. Bieber Fever hit and about ten girls fainted and a few went to the hospital. I love me some Biebs, but this is out of control. Someone even pushed his mom!

4. Jenna Jameson’s boyfriend, Tito Ortiz, was arrested for domestic violence earlier this week. Jameson reportedly had visible injuries and claimed he threw her into a bathtub, but she’s been having trouble keeping her stories straight. Ortiz said she has a painkiller addiction, but Jameson passed a drug test a few days ago. Yesterday, Jenna Jameson withdrew the allegations claiming the whole thing was a misunderstanding.

5. Lindsay Lohan continues to be a hot mess. This week she Tweeted up a storm after her fame whoring father, Michael Lohan, busted into her apartment with the cops. He proceeded to start a Twitter war with her and accused her of being HIV positive! This family needs to go to Dr. Drew therapy and get their shizz together.

Less Crucial Stuffs

1. Chelsea Handler is the latest victim of a sex tape scandal, but the comedian revealed it’s part of her stand-up reel. Whether that story is true or just a very clever cover-up, that woman can do no wrong in my book.

2. Gleeks get ready! The Glee tour dates have been released. It’s not a big tour, but if you’re in those areas, definitely check it out. And invite me!

3. Steve Carrell has sadly confirmed that the next season of The Office will be his last. Let’s hope they end the show completely, because as much as I love me some Jim, there’s no show without that man.

4. Katie Holmes will be playing Jacqueline Kennedy in the History channel’s series, The Kennedys. The Internet world doesn’t seem to think she’ll be able to handle the job, but at least she’ll be able to leave Tom Cruise’s watch for a few weeks.

5. Iron Man 2 comes out this weekend, so check out hottie Scarlett Johansson.

I never got a private lesson (no matter how many emails my boyfriend sent begging her), but I found her fool proof tips tucked away on page 108 of her autobiography, How To Make Love Like A Porn Star. It’s actually a really interesting read (especially compared to the 18th Century Lit I’ve been reading) and I recommend you go out and buy it. But for now, I’ll just share with you a few of her 10 Commandments for giving “killer head he’ll never forget.”

Come on – who doesn’t want to know that?

Eye Contact.
Jenna says: “When you’re going down on him, keep your hair out of your face and look up at him with big doe eyes.”

I say: Great, but we’re not all porn stars, and it strains your neck to make eye contact the whole time. Just make sure you look up occasionally and try to make some sexy “I really love what I’m doing” eyes while you do.

Use Your Hands Wisely.
Jenna says: “In addition to stroking him, try tickling his balls a little.”

I say: “Mind the stepchildren” is something all guys want us to do. Fine. But even if that area isn’t really your thing, using your hands is also a great way to make things easier on you (read: give that jaw a break) and make things better for him (read: a little added pressure).  Just make sure to use plenty of saliva to keep things smooth.

Use Your Tongue
Jenna Says: “When he’s in your mouth, stick your tongue out as far as it will go. Then wiggle your tongue on the underside.”

I say: This drives my boyfriend absolutely crazy, but it’s not the most comfortable move. Don’t expect to keep doin’ this one for awhile.

Shield Your Teeth
Jenna says: “Shield your bottom teeth with your tongue, then open your mouth as wide as possible so that your top teeth stay clear.”

I say: This is much more comfortable than wrapping your lips around your teeth, for you and him.

Experiment with Facials.
Jenna says: “A facial is when a guy finishes on your face, and there’s no man I know who isn’t turned on by them.”

I say: I don’t want to know the men you know. It may be a turn on, Jemma, but the semen hardens in your hair and makes your skin feel nasty. No thank you.

So there you go: the perfect porn-star blow job. I left a few of the less important commandments out, so if you want to read the rest get yourself to a Barnes and Noble. Or maybe just order the book online so you don’t have to get the look of death and disappointment from the old lady working the register.

What special tips or tricks do you use down there?

The Gosselin cheating frenzy continues…

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The 10 friends you need to have.

I mean, in America, the stereotypical retiree will move down to Florida to spend their time lounging by the pool in a gated community or playing a few holes on the golf course. Lame. In Japan, adult films for senior citizens, aka “elderly porn” is growing into quite the profitable franchise, according to porn producing giant Ruby Productions.

While America’s economy is declining, many entertainment venues (including golf courses) are taking a hit. In Japan, at least one retiree is cashing in on the entertainment biz. Shigeo Tokuda, 73, is the Ron Jeremy of elderly porn.

CNN correspondent Kyung Lah describes Tokuda as “the star of his movies in every way, romancing his co-stars, no matter their age, no matter their needs.” And apparently, his films are no-holds-barred, much like anything Jenna Jameson has appeared in.

This human interest story might come as a shock to American citizens, but as a nation, Japan is home to the world’s highest percentage of people over 65. Who says the greater populace can’t have a little fun? Tokuda isn’t some pervy old man, either. He’s been married for forty-four years, and his wife supports his new career path. Lah reports that he’s a polite and humble man, and though it’s not easy to watch Tokuda’s raunchy scenes, “it’s a little like watching your grandfather in a situation you never dared to dream.” Aww, that’s sweet. Or creepy.

In any case, Tokuda can be considered a retirement legend. I’m sure there’s plenty of guys half- or one-third his age who would love to achieve such celebrity status. And if he can chase his dreams at 73, I can’t wait for my own retirement.

The author of the article had a strange family (read: possible incest? he’s not sure) and he’d lost touch with his sister, who only called his mother once in a while to report that she had some fabulous job.

And then…he saw his sister’s picture in a porn magazine.

It all spiraled down from there. Guilt. Embarrassment. Horror. I mean, you name it. What struck me the most, however, was the sister’s relationship to her family in relation to what she did. She basically just disappeared from sight.

At first, I thought that was pretty awful of her. I mean, she should at least give her family the chance to understand, right? Shouldn’t she give them the opportunity to show her that they love her no matter what she does?

But then I got to thinking what it must be like to be a pornstar. Imagine people recognizing you on the street and knowing what you look like underneath that crisp interview suit? Imagine them eyeing you while you’re on a date at some nice candlelit restaurant?

And of course some people get off on that. I totally get it. I can be somewhat of an exhibitionist myself…But how would a pornstar relate to her family? Specifically her father?

I know it sounds weird and old fashioned and gross, but your father forms your idea of men, right? He’s the male figure you hold all men against. So if you’re having sex for money (or fame), how do you look your dad in the eye and say, “It has nothing to do with you?”

To be honest, if I was doing porn, I think I’d lie about it. Like the girl in the article, I’d probably make up jobs to account for my income. And if I were discovered by a family member, I am almost positive I would disappear too. I can’t imagine a way that I would tell my parents I was doing porn that wouldn’t completely hurt their feelings, after all these years of working to give me a better life than they had. Which is what parents generally try to do.

I don’t have any moral objection to being a porn star. In fact, for some women, it’s probably as good as it’s gonna get [provided the sex is safe sex]. But how, how, how do you deal with your family?

Alcohol can do a whole lot of things to us. For most girls, there is one sure thing it seems to do every time we’ve had way too much to drink:

It convinces us that we are sexy. That we are…SO sexy.

And a wasted girl who is convinced that she is…SO sexy…is pretty much a recipe for soon-to-come regret. With the slightest instigation, whiskey shots can transform themselves into public make out sessions. And public make out sessions can even sooner become private bedroom parties where you are, invariably, SURE that you’re Jenna Jameson.

And while your ass in the air is likely a sight to be seen and your “dirty talk” is welcomed, (albeit much more hilarious than sensual); you are not Jenna Jameson.

Jenna Jameson is not a trashed party girl, slurring her words and stumbling on her own feet. Jenna Jameson is paid (very handsomely) for her work. She comes equipped with all sorts of accessories like: fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails, frosty eye shadow, and hooker shoes. YOU, on the other hand, have spilled red wine all over your white shirt, chipped your nail polish, messed up your hair, smudged your makeup, and lost one of your shoes at the bar.

And when you wake up the next morning, you know exactly what you did. Well, lets face it…you probably hardly have a CLUE what you did, but you know that if anyone was videotaping, you’re in for a world of embarrassment. A world so humiliating that you would count your lucky stars to be Vannesa Hudgens.

So how do you cope with these drunken wild sex nights?

Of course trying to make sure you don’t drink so much is the most efficient and immediate solution to this sort of ridiculousness; however, this article is not about how to deal with responsible behavior (I mean, I’m not trying to bore you to death).

My advice is to roll with it.

If the subject(s) of your affection make a remark about your Coyote Ugly dance; laugh with them and say, “Yep, I was wasted.” End of story.

Crazy sexual recklessness can be damaging in some senses, but the least you can do for yourself and your self esteem is to embrace whatever it is you did and deal with the consequences, should they come, later. And remember, while you’re probably not any Jenna Jameson; I bet you had more fun last night than she usually does.