I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Everyone loves a diva.  Well, not really.  They just think that everyone loves them, despite having no real talent or anything to offer to society.  When you say “diva,” two women jump to mind – Mariah Carey and Jenifer Lopez.  The glitz, the glamor, the bad acting and the attitude (ohhh the attitude) define who they are.   Where would we be without these ladies?  Probably in a much less annoying world, but let’s make a list just to be sure…

Career
Mariah Carey is a machine, pumping out annoying hit after annoying hit.  Yes, I hate her music.  No, I can’t stop myself from trying to sing along with her in my car.  However, I categorically refuse to watch Glitter or any of her other attempts at “acting.”  Most of the rest of the world seems to refuse as well.

Jennifer Lopez used to be a good actress (Selena! I was so down with watching that movie every day in fifth grade…in between Titanic showings, of course).  Then something terrible happened and she started making movies like Angel Eyes and Monster-In-Law.  Her music isn’t great either.

Point: Mariah Carey. Every time I sing one of her songs, I die a little inside.  Plus,  you can’t beat Selena.

Diva Stock
Mariah Carey is infamous for her diva-like tendencies, from canceling TV appearances at the last minute to traveling with her own furniture.  She’s had highly publicized emotional “break downs” and reappeared in the media, batting her eyelashes, almost instantly once she got the attention she craved.  Really, Mariah?  You’re from Long Island.  Calm yourself.

Jennifer Lopez has earned plenty of diva status with her pages of requests that are sent anywhere she intends to roll into with her entourage (which, btw, includes her hairstylist and personal chef).  I just can’t see what would make her think she can order people to change entire lighting schemes just to make herself look better…although that is an amazing idea and I will so start to require complimentary lighting wherever I go.

Point: Jennifer Lopez. Jenny from the Block?  I’m so sure.  Let’s see what happens if you roll up in the Bronx with your entourage and list of demands.

Camera Whorishness
Mariah Carey loves her some photography.  And by photography, I mean she loves when people take pictures of her (and talk about her and admire her and etc., etc.).  Unfortunately, the camera doesn’t love her back and we’re all stuck with unfortunate results plastered all over our gossip mags and blogs.

Jennifer Lopez also loves the spotlight, but thanks to the influence of her intensely-private husband, seems to be stepping back more often.  I mean, her face is still everywhere, but I don’t see it even when my eyes are closed anymore.  Win.

Point: Mariah Carey. Just…stop.

Love Life
Mariah Carey has been tied to quite a few celeb dudes in her time (was anyone else supremely amused by the whole Eminem thing??) and was married early on in her career.  Now she’s married again and to Nick Cannon.  Was he drugged?  I feel like he’s a pretty chill and funny dude…what’s he doing with that diva??

Jennifer Lopez moves from high-profile relationship to high-profile relationship (by relationship, I mean marriage…she’s had a lot of those) with alarming (but somewhat impressive) speed.  From her time spent with Puffy (there was a pretty gangsta gun fight in there somewhere, I think) to her participation as half of the beast that was the original Bennifer.

Point: Jennifer Lopez. Oh, Bennifer.  How you used to amuse me.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Mariah Carey. Aging divas are generally unpleasant creatures, but Mariah takes the cake (and definitely eats it, too) with her sliding career and increasing amount of attitude.  Unfortunately, that won’t prevent me from belting out “Touch My Body” in my car the next time it comes on the radio.  Fail.

Being one of the most famous faces in the world means always looking camera-ready, and Jennifer Lopez has gotten that down pat. Whether out shopping in jeans and a casual top, or posing for the Oscars, J.Lo has got it goin’ on. She’s always seen in gorgeous designer duds (and is close friends with many of them), does a lovely job when it comes to accessorizing, and knows how to flaunt that kick ass bod of hers (even after twins).

She’s often seen wearing asymmetrical drapey numbers, but she also looks amazing sporting tight gowns that really hug her curves. Oh and let’s not forget those awesome hats and sexy knee-high boots, looks that most women can’t pull off (and lord knows I’ve tried!). As a whole, she almost always looks flawless and her fabulosity shines through no matter what the occasion is. And for that, Jennifer Lopez is my Style Idol this week. Maybe this honor will help lift her spirits as she (allegedly) handles a very public divorce.

A recent, unpublished interview with singer/actress/MILF Jennifer Lopez has surfaced on the Internet leaving all of us to wonder if America’s favorite Latina queen is tumbling from her pedestal.

Drugs?! Scientology detox gone wrong? Unfit to be a mother? Celeb reporter Kevin Sessums got the scoop for Elle, only to be told his story would never see the light of day. Fortunately for the rest of the free world, Sessums took matters into his own hands.

Read more after the jump.

Unwashed! Unbrushed! Glassy eyed with a “a halo of frizz” around her head!

Why did Elle magazine refuse to run an accurate (if unflattering) interview with the diva? Here’s the deal.

Four months after giving birth to her twins (Max David and Emme Guadalupe) Elle sent celeb reporter Kevin Sessums to interview J. Lo for their October issue. They pitched the story as a fashion discussion about new moms who “do it all.” Out of the spotlight for several months, J. Lo’s handlers thought it would be the perfect opportunity for the diva to dish about training for a triathlon, motherhood and her plethora of upcoming projects. And naturally, an air-brush enhanced photo shoot would be the ideal way for Lopez to flaunt her slammin’ post-baby figure.

When Sessums arrived at Lopez’s Long Island estate to do the interview, he immediately felt he’d “caught the family on a bad day.” Jenny from the Block was under the weather, understandably feeling less than fierce and fabulous. 3am feeding sessions with two screaming bundles of terror? Severe post C-section pain? Yeah, you’d feel like sh*t too.

Nevertheless, Sessums and J. Lo had jobs to do (him: get the story, her: give a reasonably believable version of the truth). Ever the professionals, the two sat down and went to work.  What resulted was nothing more than an over-tired new mom rambling to a willing ear.

Sample quote: “At the tenth day after giving birth all that chemical stuff did peak—that hormone thing—and I did cry a lot that day because I was having so much trouble moving. I couldn’t get up fast enough to feed the babies…Marc was helping out a lot and I was crying and crying and going, ‘Oh, Papi…they’re going to know everybody more than me…They’re going to love everybody more than me!’”

Of course, as J. Lo rambled on, Sessums realized he’d hit the jackpot. He got lil’ J to open up about everything from breast feeding (she didn’t), to the money her and hubby Marc Anthony earned from selling pictures of the twins, to the nervous breakdown she suffered after filming Enough.

The resulting article that Sessums delivered back to Elle painted a very real, human picture of Jennifer Lopez. Like everyone else on the planet, she’s had big highs and low lows. She desperately wants to be a good mom, and (like so many other ambitious, driven women) she wants to continue her successful career. It would have been a smash for Elle – a celebrity story that all of their readers could relate to.

Why then did the mag kill the piece and send another reporter out to Long Island to re-interview the star? Elle claims the story simply got “too personal.” It’s unclear whether J. Lo herself decided she’d said too much or if the Lopez handlers simply panicked over Sessums’ depictions.

What is clear is that Sessums said F-YOU to Elle and handed his story over to Tina Brown’s new gossip outlet, Daily Beast. A ballsy move on his part given that Elle and probably every other major fashion magazine will never hire him again.

Read the full interview here and make a decision for yourself.  If you ask me, Jenny from the Block looks pretty damn good.

I knew it. My reasoning, initially, was that there is NO WAY that she wouldn’t be the most selfish mother on the planet earth. I figured, she’ll pop out two super demons and quickly drop them off with some nanny named Maria that she can holler at in Spanish on how to raise her children, while she exercises her famous ass off on the Stairstepper and gets back to taking over the world… one floppy umbrella hat at a time.

Oh no, instead she has decided to breed a new set of materialistic, cashmere wrapped, $169 dollar onesie wearing, BABIES. I understand that money is all “perspective” but for Gods sake, what happens when they spit up on their cashmere blankie? Does it become a dish towel, or toilet paper??

The babies don’t know the difference, the parents do. Therefore, J.Lo’s ridiculous spending is just validation that she has an irrational case of diva behavior. Even Beyonce would be impressed by this.

Let’s give you the run down:

-Changing table $1,780….for something that will have shit on it. every. single. day.

-Cashmere cardigan, hat and booties $279

-Two Chelsea Sleigh Cribs $1,390

and a $1,290…..DIAPER BAG. WHAT?! For diapers? That I’m sure J.Lo won’t even tote (but her assistant will).

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if caviar was the first “solid” Jenny From The Block gives her kids.

…Welcome to the world you lucky little shits.