After seeing previews showing Snooki doing cartwheels and JWoww and Roger having ‘the talk’, I can’t even tell you how excited I was for last night’s season finale of Jersey Shore. I planned my whole night around it. I skipped yoga to be home to watch it. Hell, I skipped $1 beer night! And what did I get in return?

Nothing.

OK, so I did get to see what JWoww’s dad looks like. Holy hell, that girl was adopted, right? I mean the guy is BLONDE. And PALE. There’s no way they are biologically connected. And I got to see Snooki’s cooka. And Ron’s ugly crying face. And Deena make not one but two grilled cheese sandwiches for Vinny. But that’s it.

Last night, as I sat curled under a blanket with some microwave lasagna on my lap (it seemed appropriate), I couldn’t help but miss the glory days of Seaside. Remember when the crew used to go to the club and beat the beat? Remember when family dinners weren’t awkwardly silent? Remember when 85% of every episode didn’t sound a little something like this: Read More »

The only way to sum up last night’s episode (or the whole season, really) of Jersey Shore is by trying to figure out who was the biggest bitch of the night. It’s gonna be a toughie, but let’s try.

The Stalker
At first you’d think Pauly’s Israeli stalker would take home the bitchy trophy and the cake. Not only does this girl not get the hint, but she’s one scary bitch. The kind that makes me sort of embarrassed to be a card carrying Jewess. I don’t know who raised this chick, but someone really should tell her that asking a guy if he wants you to punch him in the face isn’t the best way to get an invite back to his love lair. Thanks for ruining my love life…biatch.

Vinny
It’s hard for me to say anything mean about my future husband, but did Vinny drink the Haterade last night? Granted, his Snooki-second-best joke was funny, almost as funny as him wiping out on the kitchen floor, but it was also a low, low blow. The world likes sweet Vinny better. D-bag Vinny with the earrings = bitch. Read More »

Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore was… graphic.  (Although it was a welcome relief after last week’s throwdown.) From the pooping to the pranks and the male crying, I felt like I was watching something on HBO. Let’s just say though, the pooping really was a cornerstone of the episode. Between Deena being constipated and weighing 40 lbs more than the first episode, someone losing their “dirty drawers” (my money’s on Snooks….) and the boys sticking poo poo pads under Deena’s pillow only to later find them under their own, this ep should have just been called “Sh*ts and Giggles…and Ronnie Tears.”‘

And in that vain, I thought I’d rate every major moment of the episode by on a scale of 1-4 poops. (Obvi, 1 poop is bad and 4 is good.) You with me? Let’s get this sh*tshow on the road!

1. Snooki and Deena “Caking Vinny“
After a lot of angst and drama over Ronnie/Sammi and the girls and boys choosing sides (plus Ronnie crying for the hundredth time), Snooki and Deena decide to combine their meatball powers to “cake Vinny” and begin the most epic/fail prank war of all time.

Survey Says: Three Poops. But only because this is the moment that started it all. Read More »

I’m so glad we were treated to yet another episode of Maury… I mean, Jerry Springer… I mean, The Jersey Shore: Sam/Ron edition part 5023. We are finally treated to The Situation’s first (and only) wise words: “Just break the f*ck up already” and we just couldn’t agree more.

Since the entire episode revolved around Sammi and Ron and typically we like to forget them (you know, as if they’re bedbugs or environmental science homework), it’s time we break down this episode and focus on the full-on destruction of America’s Most Lovable Couple since Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt.

ROUND ONE: Situation’s Living Situation
For once, we actually feel something for The Situation. Is that my hangover? No, it’s something new… something I’ve never felt before… it’s like cramps, only worse. What is it? Oh yes, pity. Poor guy just can’t get away from the sh*tshow. However, he does stir the pot yet again, causing Ronnie’s neck veins to pop out. They almost have a full blown kitchen battle (I can only imagine the flung chicken cutlets) but The Situation uses some “voodoo trick” (thank you, Pauly), AKA an apology. The two gentlemen embrace in a bromantic hug, then go play on the un-inspected boardwalk rides. Meanwhile, Deena and Sammi pretend to catch Ron with a girl and take it as a sign to rip shots and dispense their numbers to guys with tattoo sleeves and board shorts.  All is well in the world . Sorta. Read More »

I'd rather have a doctor stick his thumb in my butt than have to watch this episode again.

For last night’s delightful mid-season, “let’s just show 15 minutes of party footage and a few gratuitous shots of JWoww’s body” episode, I decided to consult my most brilliant pop-culture dude friend to get some input from the male perspective on the whole matter (think Joel McHale, and that’s basically him). From Deenasaurus to Sam and Ron’s dysfunction, we cover it all.

With a heaping serving of haterade. Read More »

Let’s just say, we were all very, very excited about this episode. We all saw the clip of Sammi Psycho… I mean, Sweetheart, punching Ron-Ron square in his nasty mouth. We were at the edge of our seats waiting for her to leave or some big, climactic blowout…that ended with her leaving So did it happen? You be the judge of this week’s J. Shore Fairy tale.

Once Upon a Time, we are brought back to the greasy, dirty (city? town? state?) Kingdom of Long Island (why God, why?)… the land of disasters and stolen beds. Our heroines, Snookers and JWoww are raiding what Tom’s left in the house. Stealing a BED? Chop his nuts off, Snook! The princesses collect Jenni’s 17 fluffy puppies and bring them back to the Sleazeside Heights Palace.

Amidst all this, Ryder (who should be on the show instead of Deena) arrives before Snooki. Vinny answers the door and it’s “awkward” since he was caught by Miss Snooki fornicating with her bestie. He reminds us of what Snook heeded him: “Do not have sex with my best friend.” Conflicted, Vinny responds, “I don’t know what to do at this point…” Uh, how about don’t have sex with her best friend? The Dragon Deenasaur decides to play Fake Snooki so she and Rrrrryder claim that 11 AM is the new happy hour and down shots of all sorts of mystical elixirs.

Since it is Ryder’s 22nd birthday, what better place to celebrate the momentous occasion than Club Karma, the finest ballroom scene in the land of New Jersey. Deenasaurus dons a tiara made of plastic flowers and ”my friend Bjork” (aka JWoww) looks like a castoff from the Swan Queen: Asbury Park Edition. Ronald succumbs to his fatal last words to “Mike’s girlfriend, “Lemme see you get krunk,” and Sammi flies off into a fit of jealous rage, scowling with her ceiling eyes in full force. Attractive. Read More »

We can all agree that Sam and Ronnie are the most irritating people on the face of the earth. With that said, it’s a welcome relief any time a Jersey Shore episode directs their attention elsewhere, particularly to the living fembot, JWoww. I personally look to JWoww for most social cues, particularly her taste in pasties and the fact that she’s opted to develop a tranny voice with Newports. Those are things that I admire in a woman. Which is why I was thrilled when MTV decided to devote an entire episode this season to her.

Let us also not forget another beloved cast member who we didn’t see in Miami. Um, no I’m not talking about Deena. I said the word “beloved,” not “so annoying she gives us a headache and what the f*ck is that yellow thing perched in her crusty hair?” I’m referring to, of course, the duck phone. I feel that since the Duck made such a great appearance in last night’s episode, it’s only fair that we chronicle this gem of a “very special Jenni episode” based on the calls made on the duck phone… in order of quacking. Read More »

Smooth move, Sitch.

It seems like a lot happened on last night’s Jersey Shore. There was fighting, t-shirt time, Karma, family dinner, work, JWOWW’s cleavage, a Sam/Ron fight and smushing. And to top it all off, there were emotional flashbacks to Miami. Holy hell, I need a vodka Red Bull just to keep up.

While it was hard to follow at times (much like Vinny at Karma), it was the perfect opportunity for us all to see how each cast member will be spending their time in Seaside Heights this season. So let’s take a look, shall we?

Vinny:
What Vinny should be doing is sending Snooki daily thank-you notes for telling America how big his Italian sausage is. What he will be doing is taking on The Situation’s role as Smush-master and stuffing anything with two legs and a taco in the “guest room” of Camp Guido. Oh, and while the girls are putting their clothes back on and waiting for their cabs, he’ll go all MacGyver/Sandlot and help Snooki and Blast-in-a-Glass get their ball back.

The Situation:
After getting robbed by Vinny and rejected by every girl in Seaside despite taking his shirt off every chance he gets, Sitch will eventually give in, put down the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and hook up with Deena. In her cowboy hat. Then he’ll cook a lot of meat on Sundays and bagel sandwiches every other day of the week. Obvi, this is all in addition to GTL. Read More »

Oh. My. Guido.

After a hard two months away from these tri-state tanning terrors, they’ve finally, FINALLY returned. Unless you haven’t noticed our entire crew of juiceheads, grenades and gorillas gracing the cover of every magazine and headlining every gossip blog. OK, so we didn’t really get a “break” between seasons, even Halloween was filled with leopard printed homages everywhere you turned. However, the Jersey Shore crew is officially back in Seaside Heights. We were treated to watching the gang leave their respective homes in New Long/Staten IslandBronxJersey York, pulling away from their townhouses in shiny new Beemers, Benzes and Bentleys like they’re in a rap song… or the opening credits to the The Hills.

And then, we’re back in the defamed shore of New Jersey, fully equipped with shots of flavored vodka, dirty hamsters (Sorry, Angelina left), whey protein, overdramatic hand gestures, short shorts and, of course, action-packed drama.

The only way to breakdown their return to the premiere Shore house is of course by the most crucial decision upon moving into a MTV filmed beachhouse: room assignments. Read More »

Other than, “OH YEAH, EVERGLADES, YEAH” it was really difficult for me to take anything away from last night’s episode of Jersey Shore. Are we seriously dealing with a finale right now? I would’ve rather been watching South Park’s ripoff of the Jersey cast…. a la beast Snooki screaming “SNOOKI WANT SMOOSH SMOOSH!”

Seriously, the Everglades? How funny is it to confuse a crocodile with an alligator? Although I will admit the added dinosaur noises (and I don’t mean the ones coming from Sammi) to the whole Everglades event with the alligator attacking the airboat were amusing. And I don’t doubt that the bugs are bigger than Snooki….

And then the crew headed back for South Beach, after the frog-legs incident, and things took a turn for the boring. Read More »