We had many, many thoughts going into this episode. Many questions about how the Snooki/Angelina throwdown would go down. Questions on if Tee-Shirt time would make another appearance (it did). Questions if Pauly would, yet again, be a human alarm clock with a crazy Kool-Aid man “OH YEAHHHH!” voice (he was). As the episode started up, we only had one burning question in mind, 25 minutes in:

WHERE IS SNOOKI?

MTV, you threw a lot at us this episode. A lot. So much that I was actually compelled to watch the After Show, wondering how to steal the host’s job. Let’s break this episode down by the major events.

PART I: The Situation Gets Punched by a Girl (again) and Bangs a Canadian, eh?
Angelina socks The Situation in the face and JWoww has a heart-to-heart with her since they can now bond over the common ground about punching Sitch in the face. WTF, Jenni? We miss your ‘roid rage. Situation reiterates that he’s the glue/leader of the shore crew and reminds us all that Angelina sucks. He moves his frustration to the club Karma/Kantra/Krib or whatever it was, and brings along some Canadian girl who’s a real handful in the sack and on the dance floor, fighting women off her man’s abs. Vinny makes some Canadian joke aboot the girl and Nutella and the crew all listens to them scream and moan in the smush room. (Seriously, that ish was loud.) Read More »

So we open on JWoww setting Sammi’s face like a volleyball and Sammi throwing a spike right back at JWoww’s kisser. Where to begin here? The entire episode was so cram-packed with drama, fighting and backstabbing that it’s nearly impossible to recap every glorious moment of it, from the extraordinarily large pickle jar on the counter to the Boise State-esque turf on the patio.

The only way to break it down is the collegiate way, and submit the report card for each and every one of our Jersey Shore heroes for this episode. Also, thank you Jose (Angelina’s “Sugar Daddy”) for the perpetual Fossil Watch sponsorship of this episode. How many times did you count the word “Fossil Watch” during that hour of TV? We counted six.

And, as an aside, I won’t smush for a $40 watch. Even if the guy delivered it in a suit. Just sayin’…. Read More »

Let me just open with a bold statement: Ron and Sammi need to get off my television, ASAP. Their negativity is clogging up the screen and prohibiting Snooki from getting her fist pump on. Seriously, get these two epic losers off of MTV before I JWoww their whiny behinds.

Also, another note about “JWowwing,” can we just point out that the only reason we were watching last night’s episode was to see JWoww take a b*tch down and it didn’t happen until the last 30 seconds of the show? Then we were left hanging with absolutely no previews to get excited about for next week? Low blow, J.Shore. This week’s episode left a lot unanswered, gentle viewers. Let’s recap all the questions that ran through our minds last night. Read More »

Okay, when did the Jersey Shore become about heartfelt “feelings” and “emotions” instead of bar fights, beating the beat and smushing? SERIOUSLY. Thank goodness we had MVP running a very serious game plan last night about how they were going to maneuver three girls and a grenade to get us through the hour. The Situation stepping up to the role as commander and directing his men to deal with the “hippopotamus” was disgusting, yes, but also the heart of why we love the Jersey Shore.

Let’s step it up a bit, though; even the Real Housewives of NJ have more fire in their bellies than the J. Shore kids these days. We need more excitement. More humor. Come on! Don’t make me put JWoww and Teresa Giudice in the same room.

Not that there wasn’t a lot going on last night. There was that (connived?) drama caused by Sam and Ron and a little type-written note by JWoww and Snookie. (Or, as Ron likes to refer to her, Shnookie. How does he still not know her name?) The girls wanted to tell Sam that Ron’s being a dirtbag but they don’t want to upset the house dynamic so, you know, they decided sneaking around and lying was the way to go. Because Sam will never turn on the TV find out, right? Of course, when the bomb (read: Scary Sammi and Roid Rage Ronnie) blew up, the only one who owned up to Ron doing everything listed on the note was The Situation, imparting the great wisdom, “It’s funny because it’s true.”

Which pretty much sums up why we all watch this terrible, trainwreck of humanity. And we just can’t look away. every. single. week. Read More »

"To family....and marinara from the jar!"

Who can’t help but love the dysfunction of the Jersey Shore? This week, the gang (I feel like we’re opening a summary of Scooby Doo. Come on – Snookie, Scooby… same thing?) deals with some hard-hitting moral dilemmas. Angelina, JWoww and Snookers are all plagued by the memories of Ron getting wild at the club and their desire to inform dear Sammi Sweetheart of her “bf’s” wrongdoings. The boys deal with weeding through grenades and landmines at the gelato shop.

Come on, ladies. You and Ronnie are ON CAMERA. Did we forget this blindingly obvious fact? Eventually Miss Sammi is going to see her precious Ron-Ron hooking up with Miami scram and she will also see you trying to cover up the fact that you know anything. Putting the fact that MTV has cameras in everyone’s faces on the backburner, let’s run down the I.F.F. (I’m F*cked Foundation) governmental structure.

I.F.F. – “I’m F*cked Foundation” Hierarchy Read More »

Is anyone else seeing a darker side of the Jersey Shore this season? No? Just me? Maybe I should take off my sunglasses when I’m inside.

Ahhhh, much better.

So far this season on J.S. there has been one underlying theme making its way through Miami: smush or get smushed. When you’re smushin’, you’re crushing it, you’re lookin good, you’re rocking GTL and just ruling South Beach.

And when you’re getting smushed?

You’re not a good look for Miami, for your family, or for humanity at large. Let’s evaluate who was smushing in Episode 3 and who was getting majorly smushed… Read More »

After discovering that Justin Timberlake’s restaurant, Southern Hospitality in NYC serves fried pickles, I obviously dragged my roommate, whom I lovingly refer to as JWowww, before last night’s new episode of Jersey Shore. Snooki was right: they totally take pickles to the next level.

And leave me completely nauseous and unable to fistpump for the rest of the night.

Despite the terrible, horrible, pregnant-with-fried-food feeling we had after dinner, we managed to drag ourselves back to the apartment to relish in a brand spanking new episode of Jersey Shore. However, this episode just wasn’t all GTL and beating the beat. This was the “hangover” episode of the premiere, and let me tell you, it was no prettier than puking up jager. The cast tackled some real issues (it was borderline an after-school special) and taught me a lot of important lessons: Read More »

First and foremost, this has been the most anticipated show of the year for me. Needless to say, episode one of the Jersey Shore did not disappoint. From the first ten minutes (which we already saw) to the last, it was chock-full of immobile hair, grainy over-contrasted filter shots, super fruity blended drinks and fist pumps galore. What a delight to see all our friends from Season 1 of the Jersey Shore, clearly more grown up and matured from their long summer vacation.

We open on Long Island (Or was it Staten Island? Or maybe upstate? It’s all the same thing, right?), because god forbid anyone from the show “Jersey Shore” is actually from New Jersey, suffering in the Snowpocalypse, unable to creep or beat the beat. Luckily, MTV’s Escalade service provided the cast (at least the 4 more popular members…) with cars to road trip down to sunny South Beach to escape the chilly Seaside Heights. JWowww and Snooki have a fabulous time, ripping on the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island’s pancake ass, eating fried pickles and forcing poor innocent “sister f*cking” southerners to epileptically fist pump. This part of the show was when I began referring to myself as Snooki and my roommate as JWowww, since we have an inseparable friendship like those two …and I wouldn’t put it past my roommate to fistpump some Angelina-esque girls in the face when we go out. Read More »