Ok, so maybe I’m a little extra heated because she’s apparently engaged to my dream man, but I think that Biel could do a lot better than this lacey frock by Elie Saab. It was almost as though she was flaunting her romantic news (even though I can’t spy a ring or JT!) by wearing a wedding gown-like dress. Slow down there honey, you’re not walking down the aisle yet!

There is a whole lot of lace going on and I am really not into the little flower belt thingy either. I feel like she’s channeling her inner G-ma with this one…

Definitely not bringing sexy back.

The one thing I’ll give her is perfect styling. The simple nude lipstick and flowy hair was necessary for such a statement dress.

So what do you think, hot or hot mess?

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Yesterday I tripped up some stairs. Yes up. That’s okay, though, because it was still the best day ever. As I hobbled back home and onto my couch, the sweet sound of gossip news on E! informed me that my childhood love, Justin Timberlake was finally, and truly single. Score!

After jumping around shrieking for a few minutes, the whole sitch got me thinking: why are so many Hollywood hotties tied down? Seriously, what’s up with that? OK, I fully realize that I won’t ever meet anyone of these gorgeous gentlemen out at the grocery store and make them fall madly in love with me, but it makes it easier to have naked dreams about drool over them if I think I might possibly have a chance. I mean, it’s hard to get hot and bothered about J. Timberlake when you know he’s doin’ the horizontal mambo with someone far hotter than you else.

But not anymore!

So in the spirit of a happy Friday, here are our favorite not-single-celebrity crushes who need to take a hint from JTim and Ryan Reynolds and sever those relationship ties!

Okay, so I don’t know if you ladies have heard the news, but apparently Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are actually dating, which really just makes my skin crawl. I mean the girl is legitimately half his age. It’s weird and it’s creepy. And since I am forever grateful that Scarlett let go of Ryan Reynolds so we could some day find each other and be together, I felt it my duty to at least point that out.

But in the process, their creepy crawly relationship got me thinking about all of the other creepy celebrity couples I’ve encountered over the years. And, well, there were actually quite a few of them. Ugh, my stomach is churning.

Then, when I opened the magazine, there was an ad for Uggs (vom) and in it, the female model was wearing a dress. With bare legs. And it was clearly summer. I thought we collectively let that go in 2004. Sigh.

Continuing to flip through the magazine, I didn’t see anything else particularly offensive (but did you know there are personal trainers for your vagina?! And there are vaginal weights?!) Then I got to this article entitled “The Hardest Words for a Guy To Say Are…” Oh lovely, yet another article detailing the ways in which boys refuse to be human. According to Glamour, these are the phrases dudes find it most difficult to spit out:

Glamour says: ”A little help, please?”
Jasmine says: I think this severely underestimates the intelligence of the average non-douche. The majority of guys who are in healthy and functional relationships are comfortable with asking for a little help every now and then, whether it’s with advanced calculus homework or beer pong strategy.

Glamour says: “Can you save your yoga pants for yoga?”
Jasmine says: Apparently guys don’t like when you come home and immediately change into your comfiest pants. Because most guys lounge around in Chuck Bass robes, and not ratty t-shirts and shorts. Maybe if a guy is sick of seeing his girlfriend in house clothes, he should….take her out on a date?

Glamour says: “I need some dude time.”
Jasmine says: Is this really an issue in a substantial number of relationships? I don’t know any woman who wants to spend every waking moment with her boyfriend. I don’t know any woman who doesn’t have her own life, and her own interests, and friendships that are not connected to her boyfriend’s. We need our girls-only brunches and pregames to Lady GaGa like boys need their bromance time.

Glamour says: “Your friend is horrible.”
Jasmine says: This is sticky. If “horrible” means “toxic”/”dangerous”/”abusive”, then I would see how this would be a difficult topic to breach, especially if the friend is someone who is at “BFF” status. But if horrible just equals “mildly annoying”, then dudes need to get over it. If we have to deal with their friend who completely abuses “that’s what she said”/”your mom”, then they should be able to endure our friend who can’t stop talking about Speidi. We’re all grown ups, and part of adulthood is being forced to politely and civilly deal with douchemonsters. Tis life.

Glamour says: “I love you.”
Jasmine says: I am just emotionally stunted enough to not hate on this. I would be absolutely terrified to initiate the first “I love you.” The worst case scenario (your love being unrequited) is heartbreaking enough to rationalize this fear. But if you truly love someone, saying it is an act of bravery that can ultimately lead to an eternity of bliss (or at least a solid semester…)

The MTV Movie Awards have come and gone and it was quite a show. From the Les Grossman opening to Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell hanging from the ceiling (“My testicles are numb….”) to the awkwardness-as-they-tried-to-be-funny-without-actually-admitting-to-being-together when Kristen and Rob won Best Kiss, there was a whole lot going on. And who can forget Betty White’s tribute to Sandra Bullock? Or Ken Jeong channeling Lady Gaga in his leopard leotard?

Or how about the 3 times someone said “f**k” and the sensors missed it?

All in all, it was a great show, but like any award show, what really mattered at the end of the night was what everyone was wearing. And like any MTV event, there was a whole lot of good and a whole lotta OMG, WTF is that!?

The Best of the Best:

The key to rockin’ out on the MTV Movie Awards red carpet is too look cool and classy, and these ladies did it right. Jessica Biel looked ladylike, toned and fresh, and that skirt was not only super fly, but look at those legs! Scarlett Johansson’s green contrasted perfectly with her pale skin and the dress hugged her in all the right places. Not that it’s hard when you look like her. And Whitney Port‘s mini was sexy, fun and young, just like the gorgeous gal workin’ it down the carpet.

WTF, yo?

While everyone is allowed to have more fun with their MTV Award fashion than, say, the Oscars, some attendees took things a bit too far. I have no words for Katy Perry. She looks like a slutty smurf. I know she was trying to look good for her “California Gurls” performance but, seriously Katy, we do not dress like that in California. And WTF is that ’70s jumpsuit, Lindsay Lohan? I get that you are trying to hide the SCRAM bracelet, but there’s got to be a better way than a glittery, wide-legged unitard. And I don’t know who you are, Chelsea Korka, but suspenders do not make that trashtastic little ensemble red-carpet appropriate. Even J-Woww looked classier than you and, well, that’s saying a lot.

Drool

While most of the red carpet attention is on the ladies, you can’t talk about an award show red carpet and not talk about the delicious man candy. And it was extra sweet last night. I didn’t think it was possible for Paul Rudd to get any sexier, but throw a suit and some scruff on the guy and, sigh, I’m sold. Zac Efron, on the other hand, finally shaved that trash ‘stache, put on some sexy tight jeans and made me want to do evil things to Vanessa Hudgens swoon. And Mark Salling? Be still, my mohawked heart.

What did you think of the MTV Movie Awards? Who were your favorites of the night?

Another week, another break up. I’m starting to wonder if there was some sort of memo circulating through Hollywood this month. Seriously, the mayor should really consider changing the name to Splitsville, USA. Yeah, none of us ever expect those celebrity relationships to last too long, but this is getting OOC. Thank goodness there’s not much to talk about in the Tiger/Jesse battle for head douchebag. At least we’ve got that going for us.

The Biggies:

1. In another celebrity cheating scandal, Larry King and wife Shawn Southwick are getting divorced because of a five year affair with her sister, Shannon Engemann! Talk about scandal. Apparently, Shawn discovered the affair because of Larry’s credit card statements which listed purchases from Cartier and a $160,000 car. Neither of which were for her. This disgusts me, not only because King is a cheating bastard, but because he is still finding women who want to see him in the buff.

2. Melissa Etheridge and partner Tammy Etheridge have separated after nine years together. They are asking for their privacy during this difficult time. The couple got married in Malibu in 2003 and have three year old twins together.

3. Leighton Meester and boyfriend Sebastian Stan split around the same time as Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick last week. Apparently, Leighton “doesn’t know how to be in a relationship and really doesn’t like them” and some sources are saying that Leighton and Robert Pattinson are seeing each other! Rob was seen leaving Leighton’s apartment after spending the night and they’ve been having a texting (maybe sexting?) romance. I can’t say I’m opposed to this; if he’s not going to be with me, I’d rather him be with Blair Waldorf than Bella.

4. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are reportedly calling it quits… for good this time. Rumors are circulating because Justin is working on the movie, Bad Teacher, with ex-girlfriend, Cameron Diaz. Justin supposedly doesn’t respect Jessica anymore and makes fun of her to his friends, all while Cameron is prancing around lookin’ hot. Personally, I can not allow myself to believe that Justin Timberlake, my childhood (and present) love, would be such a douche. Besides, Cameron is said to be dating A-Rod, and I don’t think Justin would be dumb enough to mess with that ‘roided up mess.

5. Angelina Jolie is allegedly pregnant with baby #325. Multiple sources have confirmed the pregnancy because Angie has changed her diet and she has a “baby bump.” But sources from her camp say these rumors are “totally false.” I say: girl just had a big lunch. Why is it that everyone who is the slightest bit bloated is all of a sudden preggers?

Other Ish:

1. One of Tiger’s skanky homewreckers, Jamie Grubbs, was arrested this week for driving with a suspended license and had two warrants for the same offense in different cities. Her bail was set at $30,000. Perhaps Tiger will hook her up?

2. Vanessa Hudgens was seen leaving boyfriend Zac Efron’s house the morning after some sexy time in leopard print leggings, holding her shoes and waiting for a limo. Now that’s how you Walk of Shame in style.

3. Taylor Lautner attended a swinger party at director Bryan Singer’s house, sparking gay rumors. Please don’t let this be true, TayTay; the world has had enough to deal with this year.

4. Keira Knightley agreed to shoot a short film called Maze for director Stuart Pearson Wright for free because his budget is only $23,000. I love her, and this makes me love her even more.

5. In honor of Glee’s return this week: Here’s a little eye candy of Gleek hottie, Matthew Morrison

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