Note to readers: The above paragraph has not been approved by CC staff and at no time is The Dude’s identity going to ever be revealed in any way *wink wink*

Rosh Hashana is the beginning of the New Year according to the Jewish calendar. That’s right, Jews have their own calendar. Because we’re more than 3,000 years older as a civilization than Christians. Y’all came along and created your own calendar and stamped your own 1 AD on it. So, while it’s the year 2011 for you, the chosen folks are starting year 5772. Rosh Hashana is also the start of the High Holidays for practitioners of the Jewish faith that culminates with the most sacred day of the year, Yom Kippur (that day all of you goys get a day off from classes for but can’t pronounce). Yom Kippur is known as the Day of Atonement. For the entire last month of the Jewish calendar leading up to Rosh Hashana you’re required to begin mulling over all the crap you’ve done in the past year that you should feel the need to atone for. It’s like baking a lasagna comprised of 12 different kinds of guilt. (Editor’s note: that sounds awfully Catholic to us…)

Now, I’m not from an Orthodox family. Mildly conservative might be stretching it even. With each successive generation the devotion to practicing every ritual and attending services every Saturday has diminished. Maybe it’s a sign of the times, maybe we’re just bad Jews, and maybe both. I don’t know. This is just how it is with my family history. But when it comes to the High Holidays, we get our yarmulkes on our heads and our talit on our shoulders. We dig deep and we dig into the spirit of the holiday: getting together with a lot of relatives, eating a lot of food, partaking of the holy sacrament and gossiping!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my family’s nothing but gossip-mongers. I admit it freely. If there’s a secret, there isn’t.

Now my favorite Rosh Hashana story deals with my sophomore year of college in ____. Not a great time for my family. My sister’s father wasn’t on speaking terms with my sister but he’s best friends with my Pop Pop, so he was invited. My brother in-law’s mother had some kind of a thing between my sister and her husband, my parents were dealing with fallout over my grandpa’s declining health — basically half of the room was pissed at the other half. If it were to be properly written, one would describe the atmosphere as: “a room wrought with tension.” (If I give off the impression that my family tree has many boughs, it’s because we do. Our family motto is: “Cats only get nine lives but you can have as many divorces as you want!”

Coming home from ______, I’d had full privy to all the skinny. Like I said, my family likes to talk about each other behind their backs (and really, what family doesn’t, right?). Now, granted, I was a little worse for wear when I entered the festivities that my parents had “volunteered” to throw. After all, I was back in ______ and had reconnected with some of my high school pals. Hey, being hungover to a family gathering isn’t really a sin (right?). Or at least not a rarity so *shrugs shoulders.* My headache was expecting the worse: tantrums, battery and possibly an awkward physical exchange (I’d use the term “fight” except I don’t think anyone in my family has purposefully made contact with another human being with the intent to injure).

As I watched and waited for the powder keg to erupt I…kept waiting…and waiting…and then I noticed something: no one was yelling at each other (more than usual). Everyone who wasn’t on speaking terms was actually conversing. Those who’d sworn revenge against each other were telling old stories and laughing. LAUGHING! And that’s when it hit me. What was remarkable about my family, and I think is indicative of a lot of Jewish families, hopefully yours too, was that we found a way to cherish one another despite all the bull*hit going on.

When it comes to family there’ll always be major disagreements and shameful acts (we’ve had dognappers, embezzlers, mafia ties, murder rumors and girlfriend beaters). But no matter the personal grudge, no matter the fact that tomorrow the blood feud will be as fiery as yesterday, on this day of celebration, we unite and love each other. For better or worse. We embrace denial and revel in nostalgia. That’s my favorite Rosh Hashana story: Discovering how insurmountable our power to love each other is. I’ll never forget it. Because we’re family. We have to try. At least try. As long as we put in the effort, there’s a spark of encouragement that everything can be atoned for.

A new year brings hope for reconciliation. A new year brings hope for new love. There’s a new chance to make amends with others and with ourselves. May this New Year bring you more blessings than curses.

Shana Tova,

The Dude

Here are some tips to make your holidays away from home as enjoyable as possible. (This doesn’t just apply to Jewish students – every student can find the right balance between religion, relationships, classes, activities, and a part-time job.)

First and foremost, talk to your professors if you plan on missing a class because you are observing a religious holiday. My freshman year I had a foreign professor that refused to excuse me from his 1-credit seminar class because of Yom Kippur. I was intimidated but my parents (typical Jewish mother syndrome) convinced me to talk to my advisor right away. He was made aware of the situation from day 1 and it became a non-issue. Your university should have a policy stating religious discrimination is unacceptable. Do your research just in case a similar situation arises.

Seek out student organizations geared to your religious affiliation. Hillel and Chabad are great places to spend the High Holy Days if you are Jewish. Penn State Hillel, for instance, provides a home-cooked meal every Friday night after services – a big improvement over the dining hall food. The students involved in these groups have created a balance in their lives and they can advise you how to do the same. You already all have something in common. You can compare how many times a day your Mom has called or share stories about your yearly winter vacations to visit Grandma in Florida. Who knows… you will probably be able to find someone who went to the same sleepaway camp as you did (the Six Degrees of Jewish Separation is no joke).

Bring the holidays to you and your friends. If you live in a dorm, order chicken noodle soup from a local deli and share with your roommates. Plan your own festive meal. Teach your Gentile friends about the importance of rye bread and good bagels. You can be extremely adventurous if you have your own kitchen and make your own “Jew Food.”

By the time the High Holidays roll around, everyone’s going to be so sick of Ramen and late-night Easy Mac that they’ll think matzo balls are better than sliced bread. Which, as any Jew knows, they totally are. Unless that bread is challah. Yum.

Last week, AOL’s Parent Dish blog posted an interview with Jon Gosselin in which the revolting reality star revealed that he’s flirting with Judaism. His current girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, is a Member of the Tribe herself, and she’s apparently turned him on to the wonders of Jewish holidays and munchies: “I just went through Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur and learned about the new year and every Friday is the Shabbat dinner. I love challah bread. I’m learning about Jewish food, going to Zabar’s. I love that place. I’m learning about kosher and when not to order a bacon, egg and cheese and make an ass of myself,” he said.

The interviewer then asked Jon if he can see himself converting, and he replied by saying that he’s already spoken to Rabbi Shmuley, star of TLC’s Shalom in the Home and Michael Jackson’s former BFF.

Jon’s only the latest in a long line of public figures who have made headlines by dabbling in Judaism—Britney Spears was spotted wearing a Star of David this summer, fueling rumors that she was switching religious teams to get closer to once and current boyfriend Jason Trawick. Lindsay Lohan reportedly announced on Facebook that she was converting for Samantha Ronson, although it’s unclear whether she went through with it since she and Sam split up last spring. And don’t forget about Madonna, whose uber-Christian name makes her devotion to Kabbalah insanely ironic.

I totally understand why stars would want to become Chosen People themselves. Our holidays are fun (we’ve got at least two that instruct those celebrating to get hammered), our food is incredible, and we’ve got pretty deep ties to the entertainment industry. Plus, I’m sure they think that doing anything that makes them more like Marilyn Monroe couldn’t hurt.

But here’s the thing: we Jews aren’t exactly excited about the prospect of welcoming idiot celebrities into our culture. Britney, Jewish girls get a bad enough reputation for being crazy—we don’t need you to make things worse. That goes double for Lindsay, who should also know that Jewish girls generally are sensible enough to wear a pair of pants once in awhile. And I think I speak for everyone I went to Hebrew School with when I say that I never, ever want to be in a position where I have anything in common with Jon Gosselin.

Okay, so Jon, Britney, and Lindsay wouldn’t exactly ruin the religion—especially since we’ve had bigger crises to deal with recently—but they wouldn’t be doing us any favors, either. Like any minority group, Jews love feeling a sense of pride when they see prominent fellow Jews succeeding. Likewise, we can’t help but feel disappointed when a Jew does something stupid. I think I’d be feeling a whole lot of disappointment if Jon Gosselin started regularly noshing on bagels and lighting candles on Friday nights.

Hailey Glassman, you’re breaking your mother’s heart. I hope you’re happy.

You know what they say about a big shofar....

Every single January 1^st, I swear that I’m going to start regularly exercising and watching less TV. But somewhere around January 3^rd, I always find myself back on the couch, eating kettle chips by the handful and staring slack-jawed at yet another Top Model marathon.

Of course, I’m not alone. Research shows that a full third of all New Year’s resolutions are broken during the first week of January. Luckily, I’m going to get another chance to make a fresh start tonight.

Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. When the sun goes down, other Members of the Tribe and I will be drinking wine, eating apples and honey, and making a second set of promises about how we intend to act in the year 5770.

Here’s my preliminary list of Jewish New Year’s Resolutions. I’m going to keep them this year. I swear:

- I will buy all of my clothes on sale, then immediately call my mom to tell her what a good deal they were.

- Speaking of Mom—this year, I will guilt trip her instead of the other way around.

- And I will try not to get pissed when she tries to insinuate for the 1,408,225th time that I should apply to law school next year.

- I will eat fewer cheeseburgers. But I’ll also eat more grilled cheese sandwiches and hamburgers to make up the difference. Not together, obvi.

- When my dad sends an email to inform me he’s discovered that someone famous is Jewish, I will reply by saying “haha!” or “OY!” instead of rolling my eyes and ignoring it.

- I will not get wasted at my little cousin’s open-bar Bar Mitzvah.

- I will also suppress my giggles when my cousin’s voice cracks as he’s reciting his haftarah portion.

- I will actually light Hanukkah candles all eight nights of the holiday, even though we’re technically not allowed to have candles in my dorm.

- I will watch more Woody Allen movies and read more Phillip Roth novels.

- I will not skip class by claiming that I have to observe some obscure Jewish holiday (Tu B’shvat, anyone?).

- When I walk across campus, past pro-Israel protestors standing on one side of the lawn and anti-Israel protestors standing on the other side, I will bite my tongue and keep walking.

Want to jump on the new-New Year’s Resolutions bandwagon? Write your resolutions in the comments. Happy New Year!

Today is the first full day of Rosh Hashanah, which means that I just spent 4 hours thanking God for everything he has given me in the past year (followed, of course, by a large and delicious meal). While in synogogue, I thanked the Big Guy upstairs for my family, my friends, my education and the fact that my money is still safe in a bank somewhere.

I also thanked him for my wonderful job, my great hair and the awesome deal I got on that green pashmina I wore to services.

I thought I covered it all until I got home and realized I left a major “Thank You, GOD” out: a hearty thank you for all the super hot Jews in Hollywood. And for the DVR that allows me to record them, the iPod that allows me to hear them and the vivid dreams that allow me to…er…interact with them.

It doesn’t matter if you are Jewish, Christian, Hindu, or Agnostic; I think we all owe someone a giant thank you for these boys. (Click on the pic for more delicious pics!)

I just don’t know if 2 days is enough for me.

Being that I have such a public forum at my disposal, I thought I would go the extra mile this year and clear my slate of sins before I even step foot into synagogue this evening. So, without further adieu, here are my apologies. Please forgive:

- I am sorry for doubting the Wolverines and their ability to have a KILLER comeback in a football game.

- I am sorry that I called that girl a bitch in the bathroom because she refused to pass me toilet paper under the stall.

- I am sorry for all those times I cut people off while driving; I thought I had more important places to be than them, but I now realize that getting home in time for Oprah is really not important at all (mostly because I have DVR).

- I am sorry for talking badly behind people’s backs all year. I am also sorry that I will do it again next year.

- I am sorry for stealing internet from you, upstairs neighbor. But you should be sorry for waking me up at 6am on weekends while having (LOUD) sex with your boyfriend.

- I am sorry for this.

God I love this holiday. The apples and honey, the family meals, and the fact that all my wrong doings can be erased simply by asking. I can see why Lindsay Lohan wants to be a jew.

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