We’re now right in the middle of the Ten Days of Repentance, the week and a half following Rosh Hashanah during which Jews reflect on past sins they’ve committed and ask for forgiveness (kind of like Sunday Confession for you Catholics out there), as well as forgive those who’ve sinned against them (I always have a bit of trouble with this part…like, do I really need to forgive my friend for hooking up with my ex?). These ten days are supposed to prepare us for this weekend’s upcoming holiday, Yom Kippur. Otherwise known in my family as that day where every gets extremely cranky and hostile. Oh and extra bonus: my dad suddenly feels compelled to talk about his decreasing blood sugar every six minutes.

The Deal: Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. It’s the day that we ask God for forgiveness and for a good year ahead. Essentially, Jews believe that God decides on Yom Kippur whether or not the upcoming year will be the best ever, a living nightmare, or something in between. So, in hopes of swaying God’s opinion, we repent. We pray, we atone for our sins, we mourn those lost, and we look forward to a better future. It sounds depressing, I know, but it actually ends on an optimistic note and starts with the Kol Nidre service, which is absolutely gorgeous. We’re not allowed to play instruments, but the singing for this particular service is some of the most beautiful of all of our prayers. Unless your chorus has that token loud singer who insists on overshadowing everyone with her tone deaf voice. Like, you’re not Beyonce. You’re Shira Goldberg, head of the Scarsdale PTA.

In addition to Kol Nidre, we have a few other traditional ways of expressing our repentance:

The Fast: One of the biggest and best-known aspects about Yom Kippur is that we’re supposed to fast for twenty-five hours. Yes, this definitely can make us a little touchy (and might explain why your Jewish friend balled you out for tagging an unflattering photo of her last Yom), but the purpose is to cleanse our souls for our new beginning. Think of it as a colonic for the soul.  The more religious observers will take this a bit farther and, in addition to not eating or drinking, will also abstain from gum-chewing, showering, and even brushing their teeth (and now you’re like “so was that smelly kid of my freshman year celebrating Yom year round?” No, he was just disgusting).

No Leather: For Yom Kippur, Jews also abstain from using products created out of the hides of animals. That means no leather shoes, no leather belts, no leather bags, etc. The idea is to strip yourself of luxuries, especially those that come at the expense of another. Many Jews will also refrain from wearing make-up, perfume, or anything overly flashy. The goal here is modesty and respect. So yes, Yom Kippur is one of the few Peta approved Jewish holidays. But that could all easily change this year if my Rabbi takes a page from Lady Gaga’s book and wears a meaty tallis.

And if that’s not hard enough, we also have to stand for most of the 3-4 hour long services to ensure total focus on our prayers.

So, from half an hour before sundown Friday to Saturday half an hour after sundown (yay for the Lunar calendar), try not to eat or drink anything near us, and don’t be surprised if we apologize for that time last October when we borrowed your favorite bag without asking. We’re working on correcting our mistakes. Promise.

Oh and take note, minutes after the holiday is over we eat until we’re sick the game is back on until we have to repent again.

Please note: all writers AND editors involved are Jewish…and sarcastic. Really sarcastic.

Almost as good as latkes. Mmmmm.

Put on your yarmulke, it’s time for Hanukkah! (Chanukkah? Hhannuukkka? I’ve heard there might be a silent “j” in there somewhere…)

Everyone’s favorite Maccabee-inspired, latke-flavored, menorah-lit, better-than-Christmas—yeah, I said it—holiday starts tonight at sundown. And even though I’m hoping to get a few specific gifts this year, there’s only one thing I really want to find wrapped in a giant box on Day Eight: a nice, Jewish boy. I don’t think it’s too much to ask; I go to school in New York City, for Moses’s sake.

But I’m not the only one who should be angling for some Semitic lovin’ this holiday season. Dating Jewish boys is the best, and everyone should do it. Why? Well, I’m glad you asked:

-  They’re funny. If you need proof, Wikipedia has 228 pages in its “Jewish comedians” category. Sure, a lot of them—Woody Allen, Al Franken, Howard Stern—aren’t exactly dreamboats. But Seth Rogen, Michael Showalter, Jon Stewart (real name: Jon Stuart Leibowitz), and plenty of other dudes are the whole package: Jewish, funny, and cute.

- Even if your Jewish guy doesn’t have a quick wit, he might have a Jew fro, which is probably hilarious enough to compensate.

-  Jewish dudes have so many neuroses that your quirks will seem tame and adorable by comparison.

-  They know how to treat a lady. Between the guilt and the daily dealings with a Jewish mother, these boys have learned the rights and wrongs when it comes to interacting with the lady folk.

-  They’re also used to dealing with a big, dramatic, sometimes-embarrassing family, so they won’t freak out when they meet your folks.

-  And speaking of family: if a Jewish guy’s mom likes you, you’re set for the rest of the relationship (and I’m not just talkin’ about all the good cookin’ coming out of her kitchen). My mom still asks my 25-year-old brother why he isn’t married to the girl he dated his sophomore year of college. I think she might even still have weekly phone dates with her.

-  When they get older and start to lose a little hair up top, they can just cover it up with a yarmulke and no one (especially all your girl friends) will be the wiser.

-  Jewish guys come with Jewish holidays (lots of them), which come with Jewish food: kugel, blintzes, bagels and lox, brisket, challah…

-  Maybe best of all, according to the Torah, it’s a mitzvah (good deed) to have sex on Shabbat, a.k.a. Friday night and all day Saturday. Sure, this is only technically true for married couples, but I doubt your Jewish beau will care.

Last week, AOL’s Parent Dish blog posted an interview with Jon Gosselin in which the revolting reality star revealed that he’s flirting with Judaism. His current girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, is a Member of the Tribe herself, and she’s apparently turned him on to the wonders of Jewish holidays and munchies: “I just went through Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur and learned about the new year and every Friday is the Shabbat dinner. I love challah bread. I’m learning about Jewish food, going to Zabar’s. I love that place. I’m learning about kosher and when not to order a bacon, egg and cheese and make an ass of myself,” he said.

The interviewer then asked Jon if he can see himself converting, and he replied by saying that he’s already spoken to Rabbi Shmuley, star of TLC’s Shalom in the Home and Michael Jackson’s former BFF.

Jon’s only the latest in a long line of public figures who have made headlines by dabbling in Judaism—Britney Spears was spotted wearing a Star of David this summer, fueling rumors that she was switching religious teams to get closer to once and current boyfriend Jason Trawick. Lindsay Lohan reportedly announced on Facebook that she was converting for Samantha Ronson, although it’s unclear whether she went through with it since she and Sam split up last spring. And don’t forget about Madonna, whose uber-Christian name makes her devotion to Kabbalah insanely ironic.

I totally understand why stars would want to become Chosen People themselves. Our holidays are fun (we’ve got at least two that instruct those celebrating to get hammered), our food is incredible, and we’ve got pretty deep ties to the entertainment industry. Plus, I’m sure they think that doing anything that makes them more like Marilyn Monroe couldn’t hurt.

But here’s the thing: we Jews aren’t exactly excited about the prospect of welcoming idiot celebrities into our culture. Britney, Jewish girls get a bad enough reputation for being crazy—we don’t need you to make things worse. That goes double for Lindsay, who should also know that Jewish girls generally are sensible enough to wear a pair of pants once in awhile. And I think I speak for everyone I went to Hebrew School with when I say that I never, ever want to be in a position where I have anything in common with Jon Gosselin.

Okay, so Jon, Britney, and Lindsay wouldn’t exactly ruin the religion—especially since we’ve had bigger crises to deal with recently—but they wouldn’t be doing us any favors, either. Like any minority group, Jews love feeling a sense of pride when they see prominent fellow Jews succeeding. Likewise, we can’t help but feel disappointed when a Jew does something stupid. I think I’d be feeling a whole lot of disappointment if Jon Gosselin started regularly noshing on bagels and lighting candles on Friday nights.

Hailey Glassman, you’re breaking your mother’s heart. I hope you’re happy.

Happy Hanukkah, people!

In honor of the eight days of Hanukkah, we decided to do a tribute to our 8 favorite Hanukkah celebrators (also known as Jews). But then we decided that 8 just wasn’t enough; there are too many good ones! So, we upped it to eight Jews for each of the eight days.

Yes, it’s a lot of Jewish, but let’s be real – Hanukkah gets totally ignored this time of year, so we thought it would be nice to give a little shout-out to the people not dreaming of a white Christmas. You know, the ones dreaming of a little Mu Shu on Christmas eve. Click on any of our favorite Jews to see why we love em so much (and why anyone – Jew or non Jew – will love them too!).

Today is the first full day of Rosh Hashanah, which means that I just spent 4 hours thanking God for everything he has given me in the past year (followed, of course, by a large and delicious meal). While in synogogue, I thanked the Big Guy upstairs for my family, my friends, my education and the fact that my money is still safe in a bank somewhere.

I also thanked him for my wonderful job, my great hair and the awesome deal I got on that green pashmina I wore to services.

I thought I covered it all until I got home and realized I left a major “Thank You, GOD” out: a hearty thank you for all the super hot Jews in Hollywood. And for the DVR that allows me to record them, the iPod that allows me to hear them and the vivid dreams that allow me to…er…interact with them.

It doesn’t matter if you are Jewish, Christian, Hindu, or Agnostic; I think we all owe someone a giant thank you for these boys. (Click on the pic for more delicious pics!)