Is sex better with a condom?

The perfect stocking stuffer for bacon lovers in your life.

Fight the urge to splurge, people.

J.K. Rowling can’t lose.

Backwards sweaters are all the rage.

Why finals suck.

Wild camels are ruining Australia.

Wait, people actually play Russian Roulette?

Maybe our thirties won’t be so bad, after all.

The perfect holiday gift for your more earth conscious friends.

Presenting: the best facial cleanser of all time.

And, obviously, on this particular weekend huge things happened in the world of pop culture and entertainment, which leave me with hundreds of emails and tons of voicemails upon my return. Note: hair extremely greasy.

Um. Dumbledore is gay!?

What? How on earth did I miss that? I mean, really; how the hell did I miss that?

I have read every single Harry Potter book…3 times.

I majored in English in college, meaning I learned the art of reading between the lines in all sorts of texts.

I am a total fag-hag and love (absolutely adore) gay men.

If anyone should have seen that one coming it would have been me.

I am not saying that I am some genius (though, if you would like to think of me as one I am more than happy to agree), but I am saying that I am always on the lookout for interesting sub-plots and the meaning behind everything an author writes. Especially when it involves fabulous and powerful gay men.

So, if JK had indeed intended Dumbledore to be gay from the beginning, I would have seen it. And I did not. There was no pink décor in Dumbledore’s office. There were no saucy memories of late nights in Hogsmeade’s most hoppin’ gay bars floating around the Penseive. There wasn’t even an inkling of interest between Dumbles (as I like to call him) and Cedric Diggory, and how could any gay man not fall for that boy’s eyes, not to mention his skills on the Quiddich pitch?

And, let us not forget just how shady it all would be if Dumbledore really were gay. The man’s protégé was an 11 year old boy, after all! Reminds me of one Mr. Mark Foley, no?

But that is not my biggest issue. My issue is that JK wrote 7 books (7!) without once making mention or reference to Dumbledore’s homosexuality. Sure, now she claims that there was a little sumthin’ sumthin’ going on between Dumbles and Grindelwald, that it was his “great tragedy,” but why is this the first we are hearing about it? Why not delve into this a little more at some point during her thousands of written pages?

If she is truly trying to make a statement and teach a lesson regarding homosexuality by writing such a strong and pivotal character as a gay man, why not really go for it?

Is it, perhaps, that she came up with this twist right there on the spot at Carnegie Hall? That maybe she simply wants to revive the recently waning interest in her precious books? Draw people back to the theaters for the final installments of HP movies? Could it be that this is just some huge publicity ploy?

I can’t help but wonder if there’s actually any point to writing a review for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I mean, it’s the seventh Harry Potter book. If you’ve read the first six Harry Potter books, I think it’s a safe bet that you’re probably going to read the seventh one, no matter what anyone says about it.

And if you have not read the first six books, there is no way you could possibly understand anything that happens in the last one. Not to mention, nobody really wants to know anything about a Harry Potter book ahead of time, anyway.

That didn’t stop The New York Times’ leading book critic Michiko Kakutani from posting a rather revealing review two days before the July 21 release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Photographs of every single page were available on file-sharing websites as early as July 16, and I noticed plenty of mean-spirited, intentional spoilers sprinkled throughout Facebook like landmines, but I would have expected more from the Times.

While Kakutani just barely manages not to actually give away the ending of the book, she does describe the tone of the ending and pretty clearly implies whether it is happy or sad. She drops some other fairly major plot points, including an explanation of what the “deathly hallows” actually are, a revelation that does not come until more than halfway through the novel.

For anyone who has been following the epic Harry Potter series, I’m guessing you’re done with book seven by now, but if not, trust me, it’s good, and you will be satisfied with the ending.

For anyone who hasn’t, I can tell you that it would be worth it to start. Now that all seven books are written and published, you can buy a box set and read it all at once. I’m guessing it would be sort of like watching the first three seasons of Lost on DVD, which is to say, amazing and considerably less frustrating. I am a recently graduated English major and a total literature snob — my favorite authors are James Joyce and D.H. Lawrence — and seriously, J.K. Rowling is a very talented writer who knows how to captivate and please her readers. I swear.

If you haven’t picked up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by now, do it. I wholeheartedly recommend the series as a whole. Just make sure to set aside a week or so, because you aren’t going to be able to stop until you plow through all seven books.

• Sexual tension. Pretty much everywhere. And Harry finally puts the moves on that chick he’s been eyeing for 2 movies.

• Homoerotic tension. Harry is awfully happy to see Sirius whenever he appears…and the guy does have great hair and a perfectly manicured mustache…

• Ron Weasley. The older he gets, the more he seems to represent the great state of Maine, lumberjack clothing and all. LOVE it!

• 420 Hook-up. Luna Lovegood is on something during this movie, and whatever it is, I want some.

• Childish Happiness. One scene involving indoor fireworks will make you so happy and proud you might just cry. …especially if you’re me.

• Magic. You know you want one of those wands.

• The Red Scare. Who knew J.K Rowling would be able to comment on the ridiculous Communist panic during the 50’s while writing about wizards? Who knew she’d manage to take on Bush’s failing No Child Left Behind act? My post-collegiate mind was intrigued.

• Harry’s Hotness. He’s so close to attractive, one more movie is all we need before Daniel Radcliffe starts invading your fantasies.

• Hogwarts. I want to go there. Plus, there doesn’t seem to be a tuition fee. Wizard logic is fantastic!

So it took me by surprise when I recently realized that the next movie, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, opens on July 11, and the next and final book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, comes out on July 21.

I’m kind of astonished that there hasn’t been more hype about this double dose of Harry. Maybe if J.K. Rowling or Daniel Radcliffe spent some time in jail or rehab, I’d be more aware of these things.

Now that I know, though, I’m pretty psyched.

Apparently the Harry hype hasn’t gone unnoticed by everyone. One place he’s making his influence felt is…fall fashion?

According to Australia’s Brisbane Times, the Harry Potter phenomenon has already popularized small round spectacles, and soon enough we muggles will also be wearing blazers and striped, v-neck sweaters over shirts and ties. “Geek chic with a hint of magic” may also include robes and capes, or owls, bats, and rats as accents.

I don’t think I’ll be buying any black silk capes anytime soon, but I am wondering if I have time to re-watch the first four movies by July 11 and re-read the first six books by July 21…