The Jonas Brothers are NOT breaking up, OK?

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What exactly is going on here?

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But if I had to guess, I imagine it would go something like this:

They start off at a Build-a-Bear workshop where the brothers and friends gather to make cuddly mementos of Kevin and Danielle’s love. Inevitably, one of Kevin’s cheesier friends will make him his own wedding day Love Bug. That one will definitely take its place at the foot of Kevin and Danielle’s marital bed.

Joe and Nick have already confirmed that they’re forgoing the typical Las Vegas trip in exchange for something much cooler. I imagine they are chartering a private jet to Disney World where they will dine in style at Cinderella’s castle. For dessert, Minnie Mouse will pop out of a cake and give Kevin the Eskimo kiss of a lifetime. But no pictures guys, things could get wild (with Kevin drinking some sparkling apple juice) and it could be incriminating.

Next comes the scavenger hunt around the Magic Kingdom where Kevin and his friends have to locate all of the items on the list, including, but not limited to, one candy necklace, Ariel’s sea-shell bra, a Phil Collins C.D. and Tinkerbell’s phone number.

But the excitement isn’t over folks; Nick and Joe have one more surprise up their sleeves. The little JoBros will fly in special guest Dr. Ruth for a private sex-ed debriefing for Kevin. While the brothers have taken a vow of chastity, it’s time for Kevin to ditch the purity ring and become a man.  So earmuffs off, Kevin, you’re going to need these tips come honeymoon time.

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Stoner tries to smoke his cat in a bong. Yes, for real.

We heart cropped sweaters.

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Pink goes Green.

No one wants to see the Jonas Brothers in 3-D?

Dear Boyfriend,

While you were at your frat’s campfire Friday night—I know, triple kegger! How could you not check it out? Life’s too short, bro!—I stayed in and watched “Camp Rock,” Disney Channel’s newest original movie starring The Jonas Brothers.

Let me tell you something; these “bros” are like three Prince Charmings, and you’re still just a frog—a frog with crappy hair gel and a dorm room that constantly smells like Jose Cuervo and dirty underwear.

After the movie, I got to thinking: the JoBros would collectively make a much better boyfriend than you. So without further adieu…

Here are the top 20 reasons why I’d rather date the Jonas Brothers:

1. Fame

2. Money

3. Won’t consider the “Pimp My Ride” marathon and frozen White Castle burgers a romantic night in on our one-year anniversary

4. Great hair

5. Hey, uh, that middle one…Joe Jonas…he’s over 18, right?

6. Record-breaking tours

7. Won’t abandon me in Cabo over Spring Break—even if they ran into Matt Pinfield from MTV and “had to buy the dude a round.”

8. …that Joe’s got a killer smile…

9. Adorable YouTube videos

10. …and a girl could really get lost in those eyes…

11. At least one other brother is always nearby

12. Have you seen how his ass looks in those white leather pants?

13. Scripted Disney show in the works

14. …And the way he sings that ballad in “Camp Rock” is SO hot…

15. Two words: family values

16. Wow, I mean, just thinking about Joe…

17. They’ve met the friggin’ Queen!

18. …I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before.

19. I mean, I think you think you’ve made me feel this way, but trust me, I was faking it.

20. I, uh, I need a minute. BRB.

…Wow, back! Much better. Anyway, there you have it. Even if I never meet them because I’m not a Disney tween star, the thought alone of dating a JoBro is ten times better than actually dating you.

Love,

Jessica

P.S. Can you please drop my Miley Cyrus sleeping bag at my apartment when you get a chance? Thanks.

[Photo courtesy of clubjonas.com]