Ahhh, Fourth of July.

It’s not a holiday that carries the burden of gift exchange, and you don’t feel guilty if you don’t spend it with your family. Is that why it’s one of the best days to celebrate? People make plans for the Fourth months in advance, which is more than we can say for St. Patrick’s day, its celebratory-drunkfest cousin. So what is it that makes Independence Day so special? I mean… other than the fact that we have freedom of speech and right to assemble and such.

1. Fireworks.

They appeal to everyone. The rebels can light stuff on fire and blow things up. The artists can appreciate the colorful patterns of light against a midnight sky. And the lovers can tell themselves it’s okay if they just did it in a park on a blanket. Fireworks and Fourth of July are like Mistletoe and Christmas. They just aren’t as cool if you pick the wrong day.

2. Hot Dogs.

Am I the only one that kind of thinks Joey Chestnut is hot? Or the only person who has the SNL Saturday TV Funhouse featuring Takero Kobayashi bookmarked? Seriously, my inner fat kid can live vicariously through these competitive eaters. It’s like rubbernecking a bad car crash — you can’t help but cheer when 90-something-pound Sonja Thomas proceeds to chomp 8 hot dogs in about 15 seconds. Sonja, your metabolism is the kind of freedom every girl wishes for this Fourth of July.

3. Bank Holidays.

This year, the 4th occurs on a Saturday. My office is having a half day on the 2nd, and a full day off on the third. That’s a 3 1/2 day weekend, all because we gained our independence from the Brits a couple hundred years ago. Score! Many of us that do have to work can rest assured that we’re getting time and a half, and a lot of places have extended their patriotic holiday to include closings on Monday the 6th. Awesome!

4. Bikinis.

Really, the 4th is the only summer holiday. Sure, if you live some place with consistent warm weather, like California, Florida, or Hawaii, you can have pool parties and cookouts whenever you like. But even if it is nice weather year-round, can you really justify a bathing suit at Christmas dinner? Whether you’re having a party or a family get-together on the fourth, you can express your independence in a string bikini and get away with it this weekend

5. Colored booze.

For St. Pat’s, they dye the beer green. BFD. For the fourth, you have a plethora of options, especially since there are THREE patriotic colors. From red strawberry daiquiris to blue Electric Iced Teas, you can mask your social drinking problem and look festive all at once! A lot of barbecues will be supplying cherry and blueberry Jell-O shots for the occasion, or just swing back a PBR and boast that you’re a true, red-blooded American.

If these aren’t enough reason to love the fourth, then I suggest you flip on TBS — hello, Independence Day is bound to be playing on repeat. Not only can you get your daily dose of Will Smith, but you can repeat the line “Welcome to Earf” until it’s just not funny anymore.

What type of independence are you celebrating this year?

After about a minute of feeling guilty about almost forgetting our Nation’s birthday, I started to remember why I adore the 4th of July so much.  I get to spend time with my family, spend all weekend drunk and in the sun, and eat massive amounts of food.

This year, however, I decided I wasn’t going to puss out after just three servings of barbecue.  So, I did a little research and gathered some tips from the masters (read: the competitors in the yearly Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest!).  Now you guys can join me in celebrating the founding of America the only way that is appropriate – by eating more than anyone else on the planet.

Don’t Starve Yourself Beforehand – When you starve yourself, you’re actually making your stomach shrink (in addition to being a pretty bad move in general).  Keep eating before the big day and you’ll  keep your appetite up.  Besides, who wants to rock that crazed, hungry person look during the family picnic?

Prepare Your Stomach - Assuming that you aren’t Takeru Kobayashi, you probably don’t eat like a maniac on a normal basis.  Therefore, you might have to stretch your stomach out to make room for all those amazing Independence Day meals (ribs? burgers? corn on the cob? Droooool).  Use this week to chug water and chomp on mad lettuce – you’ll expand your stomach in no time (thirds, much?).

Strategize – There are a million different delicious dishes (or calories) to be had at a Fourth of July barbecue (okay, maybe not a million, but close), so you might wanna take a second and think about what you really want to be filling your stomach up with.  Do you want the meat sweats or the ice-cream coma?  Pick your favorites and stick with them.

Do The Wiggle – It sounds crazy, but if you take a dance break (as in, wiggle your hips from side-to-side for 10-15 seconds and throw in a couple jumps here and there…that counts as dancing, right?), your food will pass through your esophagus faster and get all mashed up in your stomach.  More room for cake!

Exercise – Aside from being a generally good idea, working up a sweat will mentally and physically prepare you for  your day of eating.  Don’t overdo it – just some light cardio will get your appetite ready and raring to go.

Don’t Fill Up On Liquids – Although there’s nothing quite like a frosty Coke on a boiling hot day, stay away from carbonated and sugary drinks.  They’ll fill you up and take away valuable space that you can use for a hot dog (or four).  Stick with water to lubricate your digestive system (and to soften up those buns before you shove them down your throat).  Small sips while you chow down should do it – save the chugging for the beers by the campfire later.

Keep It Fun – Make your Independence Day feast into a competition a la Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.  Challenge your brothers, sisters, cousins, and/or crazy aunts and uncles to try and take the title from you.  Nothing says family like competitions and eating. And reversals of fortune.

Accessorize – Nothing says massive amounts of eating like an awesome sweatband and stretchy pants.  Thank goodness fashion is at a point where flowy, maternity-like tops and leggings are fashionable enough to wear at social outings.  That way, no one will be able to tell the difference between your aunt’s real baby and your food baby.

The mustard belt will remain on U.S. soil for another year.

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