Who else was mad when Dane Cook didn’t get nominated for an Oscar for Employee of the Month? I wasn’t mad either. When Dane Cook first stepped into the limelight, I’ll admit that I thought he was funny. Then something happened. I would watch one of his specials on TV, and then the next day in class I would feel like I was watching it over and over again. Every fratty bro felt the need to repeat Dane Cook quotes over and over and over and over.

So maybe it’s not fair that I don’t like Dane Cook because he annoys me. He really isn’t the annoying one. It’s all the bros (and girls that want to be like bros) who are annoying. I think a comedian’s jokes should only be allowed to be said by the comedian, because they are obviously the funny one. Not the frat guy toasting to Dane Cook before shot-gunning a beer. So maybe I’ll give Dane another chance next year, because love him or hate him, he will be back on our TVs.

Happy Hump Day! Only 2.5 more days until the big, fat, delicious weekend full of ANTM Marathons and afternoon naps. (Which, in all reality, isn’t much different from today.) But there’s a lot to do between now and freedom, like that 200-page reading assignment, that Stats worksheet, and pondering this little sitch:

Would You Rather: get locked in a bathroom at a party for two hours with a drunk girl who can’t stop bawling, asking you for advice about her ex, and hugging you because, “OMG you’re like the best friend eeever!” OR with a drunk, disgustingly arrogant guy who won’t stop telling you about his conquests and making sleazy jokes? Read More »

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

Just for fun, I’ve decided to lighten up this week’s column with an article on urinal etiquette. I get such a laugh every time a guy friend walks out of a public restroom screaming, “He was staring at my penis!! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU DON’T LOOK AT ANOTHER GUY’S SHLONG!” Come to think of it, this seems to happen an awful lot. Hm.. what does this say about the company I keep? Perhaps I should work on being a little more suspicious of my friends..

Anyway, while I do that, here is some suggested reading for you guys (and interested gals). Since I lack the appendage in question, I had to enlist my dear friend and urinal expert, Justin G., to clue me in. Enjoy! ** Warning: This post is pretty crude. If you’d much rather learn about something a lot daintier, feel free to read up on how to be a good house guest or what to do when you meet his family. Read More »

Oops! Heidi Montag can’t vote after all–sorry McCain (but thank you, God!)

Behold: the bacon bra

The Do’s and Don’t of crashing Beyonce and Jay-Z’s wedding

Seven jokes that actually came true

More reasons why sex is awesome

“I was raped” t-shirt

Posh Spice’s new adss for Marc Jacobs–WTF?

Astronomers discover solar system that is the Mary-Kate to our Ashley

Why wouldn’t you buy Armani roller skates?

RIP Charleton Heston.

• Get Lauren Conrad a present! Because, you know, she needs one and all.

• Going to an Ugly Sweater Party this weekend? Check out some terrible ones…

• Have nothing to talk about when you’re home with the parents? Everyone loves a horrible, horrible joke!

• You’d think with the holidays around the corner mothers could give their kids a break…not so for this hard-ass mom!

• “Don’t tase me, bro!” is the top quote of 2007! Congrats?

• The internet is used for something positive! It’s a Christmas miracle!

• Nobody wants to see this picture anyway…

Carson Daly has committed the ultimate crime: resuming production on Last Call with Carson Daly.Daly has also defied the ongoing writer’s strike – but that’s hardly his biggest offense.

Does anybody really watch Last Call with Carson Daly? It’s on at some ungodly hour next to weight-loss and fly-fishing gear infomercials…and since when did Daly become a source of comedy? The show has been on the air since 2002 and I still don’t know one soul who watches it.

Since his writing staff is M.I.A. Daly has solicited outside help from family and friends, asking them in an email to submit him jokes that will be used in an upcoming skit. Read More »

SAT. What a horrible word. The lost hours that stupid test took from me will never be replaced, and the sheer embarrassment I felt looking at my math score will stay with me for the rest of my life.

The English part of that standardized bullshit was easier for me than the mind numbing numbers sections, but a little thing called vocabulary kept me from getting a top score. Learning words that people don’t use on a daily basis wasn’t ever something I cared to do, but had I only known a few more nerdy terms, I could have hit the language jackpot.

Classless Education, a “collective of comedy writers and educators” have decided I’m not the only one who could use some vocab help. The group recently put out a book called The Yo Momma Vocabulary Builder, an “irreverent, educational” paperback that attempts to teach the finer points of language with some of the oldest jokes in the book. Read More »

“Why am I like Britney Spears kids? If the state doesn’t step in, I’m not going to see 2008,” death row inmate Patrick Knight jokes in an article on a local Texan website. The 39 year old is seeking the help of the public, via MySpace, to find the perfect punch line to say for his final statement before he is executed on June 26^th.

My first thought was, this is absolutely hysterical. For one, the man is on death row and he has a MySpace page. Come on over to jail and we’ll give you free internet! But I digress. For two, he’s getting the public involved in his final statement before he dies for the murder of a Texan couple back in 1991.

That kind of stopped me in my tracks.

He’s on death row. For murder. I mean, I hate to be so overdramatic with the italics and all, but that’s pretty much how the thought occurred in my mind. (Yes, I think in italics.) This wasn’t just some funny concept anymore. This is a real man, about to be put to death for the real people he killed. If these were my parents who died, I wouldn’t be happy if their killer was seemingly cool enough with it to be making jokes on his death bed, especially if that bed was one they made themselves by the crime they committed. Knight says the contest, which he’s named “Dead Man Laughing” (no, really), isn’t for him, it’s for his fellow inmates awaiting death row. Knight says that he’s, “not trying to get any money… not trying to get any pen pals or anything like that. It’s just, jokes are needed back there. We need some kind of hilariousness. We need something to ease the tension.” Read More »